Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Blankity Blanking Kids And Their MuthaBlanking Hormones

I love kids.

Not in the way that requires me to notify the police if I move.

I just mean, kids are great.

I have coached kids’ sports. I’ve led kids in Scouting. I have substitute taught kids in school.

I even made 4 of my own.

I’ve worked for Pediatricians, and hope to one day be a pediatrician.


Sometimes, I understand why tigers eat their young.

Or why male lions will chase off their own young when they get to a certain age.

That age being………. Middle Schoolers.

The tweens and preteens.

The “awkward” stage, if you will.

Don't get me wrong...

Not that the terrible twos (which sometimes happen at 3) are easy, but at least they still have the cherub cuteness going for them.

And eventually, they go to sleep and all is forgiven.

Plus, they have that unconditional love for their parents still intact.

Potty training is your biggest challenge really.


There are also the relentlessly talkative and inquisitive 5 & 6 year olds.

Questions, questions, questions. Talk, talk, talk.

During this stage, you fondly look back and remember when you were excited for them to say their first word, where as NOW, you just wish they would shut the BLANK up.

This stage is called “Diarrhea of the Mouth” stage.

Although annoying, they are still cute and full of love.


Something happens around 10, 11, or 12.

Maybe it’s hormones.

Maybe it’s being around older kids on the bus.

Maybe it’s God punishing us for what we did to our parents.

Regardless, if you have kids at, near, or reaching this age, prepare to kiss your sanity goodbye.

If your kids have already passed through this phase, and you managed not to kill them, well......enjoy your padded room AND remember to take your meds.

Seriously, I wouldn’t consider coaching baseball beyond coaches pitch.

In scouts, it was always the boy scouts that were the worst, NOT the cubscouts.

While subbing, it was always the 7th & 8th graders that I used to beat with metal rods.

The fact that they deserved it only made it more legal.

WHY, for the Love of Pickles, do we have to go through this stage?

Just like you wish with puppies, "Why can’t they stay cute forever and just learn not to piss on the floor?!"

Why can’t they skip from being babies to graduating from High School?

Do we REALLY need all the shit in between? Seriously?!

Puberty was bad enough when WE went through it. Why should we have to relive it when THEY do?

Therefore, I am advocating a ban on all adolescents between 10 and 18.

Upon their 10th birthday, they will be imprisoned on an island and left to fend for themselves.

Survival of the fittest. Only the strong will survive. And a bunch of other cliches to justify child abandonment.

If and when they reach their 18th birthday, they will be allowed to leave the island.

In the meantime, it would make a great reality show.......Like Survivor for Nickelodeon.

I'm strictly talking about other peoples kids here.

Mine are perfect angels.


That One Mom said...

It's so funny that you post this today. I called Brandee last night, promptly after dropping my son at a friend's house for the night, to tell her the sleepover was saving his life. Preadolescent boys are AWFUL.

Matty said...

Oh I know your angst. Been there, done that.....3 times. I like the idea of banning them to an island. Take them back when it's all over.

Kimi@SoManyKids said...

We have two 11 year olds, and a 10 year old (among our many others) and they are making me crazy all summer long.

Hillbilly Duhn said...

I have the adorable talkative questionable six year old, who asks so many questions that I wonder how it is that I even have that much knowledge...

And I have a soon to be 14 yr.old. Who I'm not sure will make it to 14. I'm lovin the island idea. Yeah, especially after a fight this morning before my first cup of coffee that involved he not shutting his pie hole and me closing it for him...yeah, that island idea is sounding better and better and better!

Miss Yvonne said...

Ahhh, the middle school years. So glad I made it through them alive. Now I can just point and laugh at those going thorugh it now. Good luck, suckas!

The Invisible Seductress said...

I am a single mom with two girls in that age group. The drama in my house is draining. I always try not to have a pencil in my hand lest I poke my eardrums out to relish a moment of silence. I have also considered what condiments a Lion would have with them..No not really.. It's the alligators I have been talking to. Every age tastes like chicken to them.


kate said...

I worked as a camp couselor one summer during college where I lived in a bunk with 10 11-year-old girls for three months.

I cried every day.

I also called my parents multiple times and apologized for anything and everything that I might have done between the ages of 10 and 15.

June Freaking Cleaver said...

My son will be 15 next month, if he lives that long.

I am pretty certain that one of us must die before he's 18...I mostly hope it's me, I need the rest.

I already lived through this with two girls - but they never resorted to physical violence with mom.

Anonymous said...

My son wasn't terrible until 3, but now he's great at 4. My daughter, on the other hand, is driving us crazy at 18 months. I don't even want to think about the future right now.

Pat said...

I used to work in a middle school. I hated it. The only perks were the school holidays and June, July and August. I quit my job.

Coffeypot said...

I can't advise you, dude. I'm still going through puberty and I can annoy the shit out of you.

Daffy said...

That was a long ass post....talk talk talk... you must be stuck at age 5 or 6.



Totally makes sense....

ScoMan said...

After all this Perez Hilton stuff this week I've learned that Miley Cyrus is "almost" 18.

Can we have a special rule for her where she's locked up until she's 42? Because it would be great to bring this rule in and lock her up, but I don't want to see her back out again in a few months time.

Sara Jane said...

Great post, Ed.

Tamara aka Cheapskate Mom said...

Speaking of hormones...I'm PMSing today and I just noticed something...

Where the flipping eff is your damn blog button??!!??


The Princess of Sarcasm said...

Pediatrician? Really? I saw you more as a gynecologist...or maybe a proctologist.....or a trashman.

Mrsblogalot said...

HAAA! Finally a reality show to tune in for.

Damn ICarly. Sick of her already.

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