I love kids.
Not in the way that requires me to notify the police if I move.
I just mean, kids are great.
I have coached kids’ sports. I’ve led kids in Scouting. I have substitute taught kids in school.
I even made 4 of my own.
I’ve worked for Pediatricians, and hope to one day be a pediatrician.
Sometimes, I understand why tigers eat their young.
Or why male lions will chase off their own young when they get to a certain age.
That age being………. Middle Schoolers.
The tweens and preteens.
The “awkward” stage, if you will.
Don't get me wrong...
Not that the terrible twos (which sometimes happen at 3) are easy, but at least they still have the cherub cuteness going for them.
And eventually, they go to sleep and all is forgiven.
Plus, they have that unconditional love for their parents still intact.
Potty training is your biggest challenge really.
There are also the relentlessly talkative and inquisitive 5 & 6 year olds.
Questions, questions, questions. Talk, talk, talk.
During this stage, you fondly look back and remember when you were excited for them to say their first word, where as NOW, you just wish they would shut the BLANK up.
This stage is called “Diarrhea of the Mouth” stage.
Although annoying, they are still cute and full of love.
Something happens around 10, 11, or 12.
Maybe it’s hormones.
Maybe it’s being around older kids on the bus.
Maybe it’s God punishing us for what we did to our parents.
Regardless, if you have kids at, near, or reaching this age, prepare to kiss your sanity goodbye.
If your kids have already passed through this phase, and you managed not to kill them, well......enjoy your padded room AND remember to take your meds.
Seriously, I wouldn’t consider coaching baseball beyond coaches pitch.
In scouts, it was always the boy scouts that were the worst, NOT the cubscouts.
While subbing, it was always the 7th & 8th graders that I used to beat with metal rods.
The fact that they deserved it only made it more legal.
WHY, for the Love of Pickles, do we have to go through this stage?
Just like you wish with puppies, "Why can’t they stay cute forever and just learn not to piss on the floor?!"
Why can’t they skip from being babies to graduating from High School?
Do we REALLY need all the shit in between? Seriously?!
Puberty was bad enough when WE went through it. Why should we have to relive it when THEY do?
Therefore, I am advocating a ban on all adolescents between 10 and 18.
Upon their 10th birthday, they will be imprisoned on an island and left to fend for themselves.
Survival of the fittest. Only the strong will survive. And a bunch of other cliches to justify child abandonment.
If and when they reach their 18th birthday, they will be allowed to leave the island.
In the meantime, it would make a great reality show.......Like Survivor for Nickelodeon.
I'm strictly talking about other peoples kids here.
Mine are perfect angels.