Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Wednesday Randomness....A.K.A. Don't Massage Squirrels On The Way To The Grocery Store When Flying A Grass Kite

First, I have to clear up a little misconception about yesterday’s post title. It was supposed to mean that those were all thoughts that ran through my head in a five second period. Some of you thought I meant that was how long it would take you to read it. I would never assume how smart someone is, like that. I know that not everyone’s brain works as quickly and efficiently as mine, and a few of you probably even rode the short bus to school. I hope this clears things up.

Driving home for lunch yesterday, I saw this big squirrel standing on the sidewalk of the bridge. He was thinking about crossing. I could tell. And he was looking right at my truck, trying to judge its speed and the timing he needed. I was saying, “Don’t do it dude!”, over and over, cause I know not to swerve, especially after seeing those Gieco commercials where they are high-fiving and stuff after they cause the wreck. Now, when I see it coming, I just mash on the gas, close my eyes, and hope for a clean kill the best. (It just occurred to me, that this may not be the safest practice.) He must have seen me close my eyes and speed up, because he waited for me to pass. When I looked back, I’m pretty sure he gave me the middle claw. Squirrels are such assholes.

I went to the grocery at lunch to pick up bananas and Sprite for the sick kiddos. Some old guy had a whole basket full of cans of green beans. He must have cleaned the store out. I was like, “Dang Old Dude, how much fiber you need?! You must really be backed up!” I wanted to ask if he was stocking his bomb shelter. But I figured, maybe he was Mayan and was planning ahead.

I had my first Deep Tissue Full Body Massage last week. Turns out, you’re not supposed to ask about the “happy ending”. Especially, if your mom works there. AND, if you have no money for a tip.

Ever try flying a kite when there’s no wind? I did last night. It very much looked like those little bulimic gymnasts that dance around in the Olympics with a ball or ribbon or hoop thingy. Basically, I was an idiot dancing around and waving my arms and a kite in the air, only to have it crash into the ground, my butt, the baby’s eye, the eleven year olds head, and the ground again. I still refused to blame it on the lack of wind, because that would have made everybody else right and I wrong (which is impossible), so I theorized that it was due to the kite being tailless. A little tail always makes me want to fly. *eyebrow waggle*

I mowed my grass for the first time this past weekend. I hate that first mow, because you know that just opens up a whole can of worms mowing seasons….that makes no sense, but you know what I meant. Anyway, I had to do something. Since we own a dog, which fertilizes all winter, the lawn was very patchy and uneven. After I lost the baby in a tall patch for the 4th time, I figured it was time to even it up. I did take the baby out first though, because my mower is still new and I don’t want to dull the blades. Plus, I like the kid.


Tony said...

The year when I first got my license, I ran over a rabbit. It was an accident, and that little turd came out of nowhere. He was suicidal.

Working Mommy said...

LOL!!! I usually leave the baby in the grass...sure the mower blades might be new, but it makes for an interesting game of cat and mouse-or baby and mower, as it were. I mean, you need a LITTLE excitement since mowing can only be but so exciting. Sometimes, I even shake things up by using a weed whacker instead :)


Jenny DB said...

good choice on the taking the baby, for certain.

carissa said...

Dude, your supposed to seek out that squirrel.. that's like at least 4 points.

Also... I really hope you did ask for the happy ending. I always think about it but I usually only get massaged by women or gay men, and I just don't think that it will go over so well...

The Vegetable Assassin said...

"Ever try flying a kite when there’s no wind? I did last night. It very much looked like those little bulimic gymnasts that dance around in the Olympics with a ball or ribbon or hoop thingy".

The word you seek here, dude, is "GAY". :)

Monique-aka-Surferwife23 said...

Are you implying you look bulimic?

And please tell me you tipped the masseuse. Please.

Stacie's Madness said...

*eyebrow wiggle*
duely noted.
mowing = shaving the nether regions for summer swimsuit season. I feel your pain...but bet you don't feel mine.

hotpants™ said...

I wish my husband would gmow the yard for the first time this year. It's a jungle out there.

Ed said...

Tony: Rabbits are suicidal. They are like one step above Lemmings. I hate hitting animals anyway.

Working Mommy: I've done the weedwacker thing for variety.

Jenny DB: Yep. I love the baby. Now, the boys, they were on their own. But they run fast.

Carissa: Dang. I knew there was a reason I always lost that game. I thought is was Old People who were worth 4 points. Turns out, the are a night in jail.

Veggie Killer: You are what?

Monique: Me being bulimic is like saying you are famous. And I tip her with my presence, plus a big sumthin sumthin in her hand.

Stacies Madness: That might be TMI. Or rather TMH.

hotpants: The hero is too busy for lame work like that. You could always try the carrot on a stick trick, only instead of a carrot, use either beer or hookers.

Daffy said...

A kite without a tail might be a kate????? no?

Okay then, maybe you were just missing one element. I mean, if you had the gay ribbons and the prissy pants dancing while waving your arms around and it still wasn't working it might have been because you forgot the rainbow.

Yeah...maybe thats it. You needed a rainbow.

Coffeypot said...

Strap a lawn chair in the back of your truck, strap the kid in the chair and head off down the road and let the kite fly. It works!

It also works with a boat on the lake.

Captain Dumbass said...

Freakin grass. I'm thinking of starting a new trend and just letting that shit grow like wheat. I can hire a goat in October or something.

ScoMan said...

Squirrels are pretty bad people.

And you're right, the last thing you want in your lawn during mowing season is baby blood. I hear that stuff fertlizes like crazy, you'd be mowing again every hour.

Moooooog35 said...

You saw a squirrel standing?!

Are you sure it wasn't just a little Italian guy?

The Princess of Sarcasm said...

You lie about your brain thoughts in five seconds. There wasn't a single mention of transvestite hookers...

adrienzgirl said...

What's up with your mutant squirrels? We have squirrels here and they are totally cool. They do steal all the bird food though.

Come to think of it, they are cool at all. Little thieving rat bastards!

I am totally running them over with the lawn mower. Yeah, thanks for the idea!

Aleta said...

"Squirrels are such assholes."

'nuff said!

Pat said...

Man - I LOVE your randomness. I feel like FINALLY someone's in MY head!

re: the short school bus! Yes! I understand! Sometimes I'd ask that question of people (Did you by chance ride the short bus to school?) and they had NO FRICKING CLUE what I was talking about.

I've had confrontations with ground squirrels, and they, too, gave me the middle finger.

Wait. You mean ALL Deep Tissue Full Body Massages don't come WITH happy hendings? Who knew?

"A little tail always makes me want to fly." I'd like to change that for me. "A bigger tail always makes me want to SOAR."

Glad to see you rescued the kid before mowing the lawn. Just saying.

The Blue Zoo said...

The short bus, happy endings, flying kites AND chasing babies with lawn mowers......


JennyMac said...


but closely cropped lawn: Absolutely. Our old neighbors never heard of mowing their yard. They likely didnt move but simply disappeared in there and cant be recovered.


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