Friday, April 9, 2010

Fly Fishing.....It's The New Black

Summer is just around the bend and I am thinking of inventing a sport. See, I already engage in a version of this activity, but have never given it a name or rules or its own custom equipment before. Chances are, you’ve played a similar version of it yourself. It also has very minimal start up cost. It can be a great workout. And you can participate in it anywhere.

It’s FLY fishing.

No, not fishing with flies. Fishing FOR flies.

Here’s what you do. When you get flies in your house, or say, they show up at your picnic uninvited, you pull out your fly rod. In this case, it’s a flyswatter with short piece of string tied to the business end. You bait the line. Since flies like shit, you get some. Rabbit works great because of size. Baby works great because of availability. Dog is a good substitute because it’s always laying around. If you live in the city, don’t have pets, or don’t have a little pooping machine in your house, you can use your own. I recommend this as a last resort. And make sure you wash your hands afterwards.

I can’t believe I have to tell you people to wash your hands after playing with shit.

So there you are, fly rod/swatter in hand, string tied to the business end with poo on the other end of the line. The purpose of the sport is to distract the nasty little flies from landing on your food or your sleeping partners face, and get them to go for the poo.

Once they attempt to land on the poo-on-a-string, you wack them with the swatter. Obviously, you have to be quick. It’s like that paddle with the ball on a string in the middle of it.

Patience and hand speed are a must.

This is strictly a kill sport. There are no catch and release, cause that’s just cruel. Who wants a bunch of maimed flies crawling around?

This is a stupid sport. Forget I said anything. Trying pushing away from the computer and going outside for once.

15 comments:

confessor69 said...

Oh, no. Too late. You cannot take this back. It's an awesome sport--one I will most certainly take up now that I spend most of the day by myself in my apartment, tormented by two cats who love to be anywhere but on the floor. Yeah, I know...I need a job. I used to have one...I'm a sad case....

Monique-aka-Surferwife23 said...

I'm a pro at this sport. And I actually have a fly story up my sleeve for next week.

Captain Dumbass said...

Hey! I play this sport. Only I try to take them alive so I can feed them to my fish afterwards. They like them when they're still moving because they can pretend they're hunting or something. Whatever, it's win-win.

Momma Fargo said...

You are so effed up. Here I was expecting the great sport of fly fishing since I live on the number one fly fishing river in America and you talk about shit. At least you didn't talk about trolling which is another fishing sport with a boat or your flies. You pick.

Momma Fargo said...

Oh...forgot...LOL.

ScoMan said...

If I don't have any shit lying around and I am not willing to use my own, can I hit the flies while they're on my partners face? Or is that strictly against the rules?

Oh, and where would I find a partner whos face they could land on instead of my food, and who would not have a problem with me hitting them in the face with a flyswat covered in shit?

Yeah, I decided to put the shit on there anyway, but I still want to hit my partners face with a fly swat.

Coffeypot said...

This could really catch on, Ed. It could become a family sport. Everyone could get a fly strip to hang off their belts and attach the dead fly to the strip and at the end of the day take the totals. The winner would get an Olympic type fly swatter and the looser would have to clean up all the shit. I see it growing into a community activity in places like church socials, ball games, or school recess. Good job, dude.

Mad Woman said...

I can't decide who is crazier. You, for writing this shit or me for reading it and thinking it's bloody hilarious.

Daffy said...

I'm thinking great buisness venture.....partners? You and me maybe? I've got access to shit o plenty and I'm picturing starting with an ebay store and branching out.

This whole NOT whapping people with it also kind of disturbs me. I don't think we should be limited to just flies. Yes, I have people in mind that need to whapped across the face with some shitola. Surprising I know.....

The Office Scribe said...

I'm still trying to master to chop stick technique.

Phillipia said...

OMG...I cannot believe you posted that....but thanks for the laugh and loss of appetite - my diet should go well this week.

The Blue Zoo said...

Well lucky for me I live in a house with 5 males. There's always lots of shit.

However Im thinking that you should smack the fly wherever it is..... Partners face or not... =)

Moooooog35 said...

So that's why flies are always landing on me.

Maybe my wife IS right when she says I'm a giant piece of shit.

Go figure.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

I can think of other things where patience and hand speed are a must that are much more fun than catching flies...

Pat said...

Here you are talking shit again....

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