Thursday, April 22, 2010

Updates and More Shopping Adventures

First, a few updates on the last couple posts I did.

I really hate explaining stuff that I post, but I had so many questions and misunderstandings in the comments section that I felt compelled to break it down for my less than gifted readers, or for those who skim posts, like Travis and Mooooog and Lilu.

On Olive Garden:

I am generally a very large tipper, IF the service is good. I have been told that I often leave too much. I just don’t like being told how much to leave.

The $57 bill was just for me, the wife, and our 3 munchkins; AND, it was a good deal only because my wife is better at saving money than I am. As proof, my meal alone was $16 of the total.

The entire party/group numbered around 30 people, but everybody paid their own bills. The gratuity thing was determined by Olive Garden for parties of 8 or larger.

On the masseuse:

I had an umbilical hernia in 2001. My innie became an outie. That’s why my abdomen was originally shaved and not the groin area.

Also, I really didn’t grow fur. (Geez people!) It was just a lot thicker there than anywhere else.

And yes, you CAN also get the Cochy shave lotion from those home parties.

And now…..

You may have enjoyed my Trip To Victoria Secrets post.

So I give you…..

MORE ADVENTURES IN SHOPPING

Running to Kmart for some baby wipes should be pretty straightforward, right?

WRONG

Go to the baby section. Spend 10 minutes scouring the diapers and pull-ups and swimmies. Scan the other 3 aisles.

No wipes.

HUH, guess K-mart doesn’t carry the complete baby pooping line.

Heading towards the front to leave, an associate asks me if I’ve found everything I was looking for.

Now, I’ve worked retail. I know store layout comes from corporate and not the associates.

But I noticed the person’s name tag says, “ASST Store Manager”, which not only explains why they bothered to ask if I needed help in the first place, BUT also means they may have some knowledge and input on store layout.

So I say, “Umm….Baby wipes?”

ASS Manager: “Oh. Those are up in the pharmacy section by the mouth wash.”
Me: “I see. Cause mouthwash makes A LOT more sense than by the diapers in the baby section. GEEZ!”
ASS Manager: *blink,blink*


Shopping tip #1

It is better to shop at an adult item store that has a big black guy who looks like Tone Loc behind the counter, then one that has a flaming homosexual that looks like a fat George Michael.

Unless you want anal lube or something of that sort.

Tone Loc will be very knowledgeable about pleasing the ladies and will ask things like, “Yo man. You really want to make your girl happy? Let me show you what they really like.”, while grabbing his knee to adjust his junk.

Fat George Michael will stand there looking all retentive and only offer to help when you near the section with the plugs and beads and lube. THEN, when you go up to pay for the Cochy brand shave lotion, will ask stuff like, “You know this is for shaving, right?!”, and then head-bob from side to side followed by two finger snaps.

11 comments:

Moooooog35 said...

Jesus, dude.

How long were you people at Olive Garden?

Travis said...

I don't skim posts, ass.

Now what was the rest of this about?

Tone Loc?

Captain Dumbass said...

Maybe Tone Loc could hook you up with some baby wipes.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

I hope you explained to fat George Michael that you were happy he intervened BEFORE you put that shit on your ice cream cone! Phew!

Coffeypot said...

Fat Geroge was looking at you and thinking, "Boy, you sure got a purty mouf." You tease, you.

Daffy said...

I often grab my knee to adjust my junk. He got that from me

Momma Fargo said...

Oh my.

Who knew baby wipes would lead to Tone Loc grabbing his junk.

Cheryl said...

This is why I don't want children. $57.00 for dinner. Sheesh.

The Blue Zoo said...

Olive Garden, baby wipes and anal lube... Yup. You've covered all the basics.

Tamara aka Cheapskate Mom said...

Dude, you got TWO snaps...that's some serious 'tude!

I actually met Tone Loc at a nightclub for teens called "On Tracks" when I lived in San Diego. He was a guest there and signed autographs and played with the DJ. He was really cool. I was like 14 at the time, lol

Pat said...

You had me at, "grabbing his knee to adjust his junk". *sigh*

BlogCatalog

Humor & Funny Blogs - BlogCatalog Blog Directory