Flying mammals hate me.
I took my children to the park the other evening.
The 11 yr old and 6 yr old were running around beating each other up in an imaginary Jedi battle that occasionally slipped into UFC bounds.
Meanwhile, I was following the 2 yr old up down around over under up down around over under (again and again) one of those giant new park contraptions with the slides and climby-things and tunnels all connected.
I just happen to glance down toward my feet and that’s when I noticed a huge glob of fresh duck or goose crap on the inside right calf of my pants leg.
“THESE WERE NEW PANTS, DAMN YOU!” *shakes fist at sky* (which is absent of birds because they are sneaky and have good timing)
This was not from brushing up against something. From the looks of it, not only was it a direct hit from a dive bombing bird, but the poo must have just missed my face on the way in.
Last night, I was sitting in the backyard with the kids, while the wife was at a church meeting.
The kids were busy playing on the giant wooden contraption I built them so we wouldn’t have to go to the park as much. (It’s almost like I psychically knew the birds would one day come for me.)
Upon Wifey’s return, a dandelion fight broke out. Yellow flower heads were flying everywhere. The kids were popping the flower tops and throwing them. The wife was throwing them.
My Matrix/Ninja skills were no use. I decided to catch what I could and return their fire.
Then I realized, it’s harder to catch a dandelion head than I thought, especially from a 6 yr old with an arm like Roger Clemens on steroids (which is redundant-I know).
So, I reach down, pop a dandelion head, and as I throw it at the 6 yr olds face, I think, “That one was really juicy!”
I look down at my hands, after letting it fly, and they are covered in fresh bird doo.
I was like, “OMG! Birds have tried to kill me with their shit for 2 days now! They want me to get Bird Flu and DIE!”
After I washed it off, I remembered that we should probably check the 6 yr old face.
Lucky for him, I am a sucky dandelion thrower and had also absorbed most of the mess with my giant sponge hands.
Now, I am not sure what caused this sudden increase in aggression on the birds’ part.
Really, it started off innocent. I received the occasional butt-bombing on my truck.
Lately, the bombings have become more frequent and more personal.
Maybe it is retaliation for all those times I killed their friends/relatives with a pellet gun.
But, if they are reading this, I just want them to know that I wasn’t discriminating against the Aviarian race. I mean, I shot at squirrels and rabbits and cats and small children also.
So let’s call a truce.
You keep your shit to yourself, and I won’t dig out my pellet gun and go all Harvey Oswald on your asses again.
(Pssst----probably best to have the parrots handle the reply)