Friday, April 23, 2010

Birds Are Flying Assholes.....LITERALLY!

Flying mammals hate me.

Example #1

I took my children to the park the other evening.

The 11 yr old and 6 yr old were running around beating each other up in an imaginary Jedi battle that occasionally slipped into UFC bounds.

Meanwhile, I was following the 2 yr old up down around over under up down around over under (again and again) one of those giant new park contraptions with the slides and climby-things and tunnels all connected.

I just happen to glance down toward my feet and that’s when I noticed a huge glob of fresh duck or goose crap on the inside right calf of my pants leg.

“THESE WERE NEW PANTS, DAMN YOU!” *shakes fist at sky* (which is absent of birds because they are sneaky and have good timing)

This was not from brushing up against something. From the looks of it, not only was it a direct hit from a dive bombing bird, but the poo must have just missed my face on the way in.

Example #2

Last night, I was sitting in the backyard with the kids, while the wife was at a church meeting.

The kids were busy playing on the giant wooden contraption I built them so we wouldn’t have to go to the park as much. (It’s almost like I psychically knew the birds would one day come for me.)

Upon Wifey’s return, a dandelion fight broke out. Yellow flower heads were flying everywhere. The kids were popping the flower tops and throwing them. The wife was throwing them.

My Matrix/Ninja skills were no use. I decided to catch what I could and return their fire.

Then I realized, it’s harder to catch a dandelion head than I thought, especially from a 6 yr old with an arm like Roger Clemens on steroids (which is redundant-I know).

So, I reach down, pop a dandelion head, and as I throw it at the 6 yr olds face, I think, “That one was really juicy!”

I look down at my hands, after letting it fly, and they are covered in fresh bird doo.

I was like, “OMG! Birds have tried to kill me with their shit for 2 days now! They want me to get Bird Flu and DIE!”

After I washed it off, I remembered that we should probably check the 6 yr old face.

Lucky for him, I am a sucky dandelion thrower and had also absorbed most of the mess with my giant sponge hands.


Now, I am not sure what caused this sudden increase in aggression on the birds’ part.

Really, it started off innocent. I received the occasional butt-bombing on my truck.

Lately, the bombings have become more frequent and more personal.

Maybe it is retaliation for all those times I killed their friends/relatives with a pellet gun.

But, if they are reading this, I just want them to know that I wasn’t discriminating against the Aviarian race. I mean, I shot at squirrels and rabbits and cats and small children also.

So let’s call a truce.

You keep your shit to yourself, and I won’t dig out my pellet gun and go all Harvey Oswald on your asses again.

Deal?

(Pssst----probably best to have the parrots handle the reply)

17 comments:

Daffy said...

It wasn't THIS *two thumbs pointing backwards* Duck that shat on your leg...for I NEVER would've missed your face.

Oh, and if you are as good an aim with the pellet gun as you are with a dandelion head, I don't REALLY think the Aviarian race is worried....justsayin

Sharon said...

Bahahahaha!! When I was little we went to a bird sanctuary for a visit. My mom, brother and I left my dad to go to the bathroom, and when we got back, he was COVERED.. like 10-15 hits... he couldn't get away from them in time!

My advice, Don't EVER go to one of those zoos where the birds fly free.

Sharon said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Momma Fargo said...

They're mad now. Don't look up.

Moooooog35 said...

Depression: Realizing that dandelions get head more than you do.

Cassie said...

There's a reason why I call them the rodents of the sky.

JennyMac said...


“THESE WERE NEW PANTS, DAMN YOU!” *shakes fist at sky* (which is absent of birds because they are sneaky and have good timing)


that bird and all his birdies friends are getting big laughs over you..

sorry about your dirty pants.

Meagan@Megs7827 said...

Omg! I am being haunted by birds too except they are haunting me in a way more annoying way than poop! There is one at home that has this loud weird chirp that chirps NON STOP all hours of the day! Then I try to escape at work and there is a big fat (too fat to fly) crow that won't shut its face up either! I am seriously going to google best way to kill a bird!

Aleta said...

EWWWWWWWWWWW..... yeah, that would gross me out. I suddenly remembered the movie "Attack of the Birds".. hehe.. Did you star in that?

The Blue Zoo said...

Holy Moly! They really are after you! LOL

Maybe you should brush up on your pellet gun skills!

Monique-aka-Surferwife23 said...

Too bad their aim wasn't a little better or I could legitimately call you a shithead in this post. Now, I am left calling you a shitleg.

Coffeypot said...

You are a bird shit magnate. Sit at another table next week,ummkay

ScoMan said...

It's not just bird shit you have to worry about.

Did you know the seagulls are plotting to take over the world?

I know, it's pretty scary right? But it must be true because I read it on my blog.

Tony said...

Birds seriously do suck. I don't see their purpose in our world, because we can't eat them. I say the only birds we need are chickens and turkeys, and the rest can go die somewhere. I know what you're saying, "Without birds, then the world would be overrun with bugs!" Well, the bugs can go die too.

Tgoette said...

Bird crap grosses me out, but I figure if I was a bird and was sick to death of flying, then strafing people with poop runs would be about all the fun I would have. So instead of shaking your fists in anger, perhaps you should applaud their aim and be a harder target next time. That, or keep your pellet gun handy just in case. LOL!

Lily said...

I'm getting you a parakeet for your birthday.

Your Welcome.

Pat said...

I do love birds, but they shit on me nonetheless. I was sitting on the beach (a long time ago) with my friend and our kids. I was the only one who got PEED on by the seagulls AND shit on. Yep. Her husband said it was because my bathing suit was black/green and the gulls mistook me for land. Great.

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