So, we cut out at lunch time and went Christmas shopping like a couple of old women.
Seriously, it’s not even Christmas Eve yet. I’m pretty sure we have vaginas now.
Regardless, it beats work.
Shopping….that is…….not vagina.
Although, that beats work too.
I’m seriously off topic here.
Old Guy decided he wanted to buy my lunch for helping fix his computer. (Part of our shopping mission was to pick up a new graphics card for his personal PC, so he could use his new Hi-Def monitor)(Guess watching Porn in regular definition wasn’t cutting it.)
We ate buffet style at the Sirloin Stockade, replete with senior discount and all.
There we were…..At Lunchtime…..On a weekday.
I am pretty sure I was the only one there who didn’t remember the Normandy Invasion.
The only other person I saw without white hair was a guy who looked like he had probably been run out of every buffet in town.
You know……five full plates in front of him……an I.V. of gravy….. and sitting in 3 chairs.
I’m pretty sure I saw him pick his teeth with a child’s femur.
After lunch at God’s waiting room, we headed for the mall.
I ended up in Victoria’s Secret (that sounds dirtier than I meant for it too).
One of the only “hints” that I caught from the missus was that she needed some new bras.
Honestly though, any reason for a guy to go in that store is a decent reason.
Well, unless he’s buying something for himself.
I went in looking for their “new” bra that was supposed to be “special”. I have no idea why I keep using “quotes”.
After a fair amount of
Why do they always have really hot chicks with lots of cleavage working in these places? It’s so disgusting.*****(That was just in case wife reads this.)(However, that disclaimer probably ruined my ruse.)
Anynotreally, she shows me to the special bras.
Then I notice that the special bras aren’t available in my wife’s size, per the little slutty poster.
I voice this concern to the lady, and she said, “About 70% of women are wearing the wrong size bra. What size is she?”
I tell her what my wife said, but the lady is sure that is probably incorrect, because I’m a guy.
So I call the wife, to verify. The lady ends up having wifey measure herself over the phone.
While waiting for wife to get a tape measure, I say the following:
“You guys should really have some of those different sized silicone molds, for when guys are shopping for their wives. I could totally put my hands on them and tell you which size hers are.”
VS Lady: *eye roll*
VS Lady: “These bras will add 2 cup sizes.”
Me: “Holy Crap!”..and then..“Wait, that’s false advertising. That’s basically like stuffing two pillows under your shirt and walking around all hot.”
VS Lady: “It will make her a Double D”.
Me: “I’ll take seven!”
I also asked about panties.
She took me to a table with dental floss. I thought I must have been smiling too much after eating at the buffet.
VS Lady: “Does she wear thongs?”
Me: “That’s none of your business.”
VS Lady: “Well, what do you like to see her in?”
Me: “Do you have any made of bacon?”
VS Lady: “What style panty does she normally wear?”
Me: “Something comfy, but not granny panties. Maybe Bikini briefs?”
VS Lady: “You’ve never noticed what type of panty she wears?”
Me: “I’m a guy! I only notice when she’s NOT wearing panties!”
I remember that wifey said she could use some new jeans.
Since we both like to pretend we’re still hip, young, and cool (she pretends, whereas, I really am!) I entered one of those trendy boutique stores.
They may even have had Twilight posters in the windows.
Charlotte Russe or something.
When Old Guy and I enter, the little clerk girl comes running over to us, as we are clearly over the age limit to be shopping there.
Clerk girl: “Can I help you.”
Me: “I doubt it. I need to get some jeans for my lady.”
Clerk girl: *clearly surprised that I have a lady*.. ”What type of jean?”
Me: “I don’t know. Something that makes her butt look good. Or those that say buy one get one 50% off.”
Clerk girl: *giggling* “How about these flare legs?”
Me: “NO! My wife said flare legs were out. She has a bunch that she is getting rid of.”
Clerk girl: “Flare legs aren’t out. Tell her they aren’t out and don’t get rid of them.”
Me: *enticed by the picture of the jeans model’s butt*…”What about these skinnies?”
Clerk girl: “Does she wear skinnies? Oh, and these are flare legs also. What size does she need? Do you like the light or the dark? Is she Team Jacob or Team Edward? What time is it in Borneo?”…(I’m not totally sure what all she was saying. She just kind of started rattling stuff off at machine gun pace in a high girlish shrill.)
Me: *looking at the tiny jeans on the table*…..”Do you have any in adult sizes?”
Clerk girl: *eye roll*
Me: “What about these?”…*holds up pair*
Clerk girl: “Those are popular. What size?”
Me: *I tell her the size my wife told me that I’m not going to tell you because I don’t want to die in my sleep for sharing but it turns out that the EVEN sizes my wife gave me are not inline with the ODD numbered sizes the store sells*……..”Well, she used to be BLANK before she had 4 kids, and now she wears BLANK. So it kind of depends on how high up they come because she still wears a size BLANK panty.” (insert even sizes for BLANK)
Clerk girl: “All our jeans are low rise, so let’s split the difference and go with BLANK.” (insert odd size for blank)….”How long are her legs?”
Me: “Longer than mine.”
Clerk girl: “So is she tall?”
Me: “She’s taller than me.”
Clerk girl: “Like……….?” *said kind of snooty*
Me: “Maybe 5’7”.”
Clerk girl: “OK, so she needs a Regular.”
Me: “I AM her Regular!”
Clerk girl: “I meant length.”
Me: “So did I!”
Clerk girl: *clearly ignoring me now*….”How about these?”…*holds some jeans up*….”They will make her legs look longer, and show off her height.”
Me: “Then we would be like Tom and Nicole, before the Katie"......... "Don’t you have any that would make her look shorter?”…..”Or maybe some that would make ME look longer?!”
My humor is often wasted at the mall.