Tuesday, December 1, 2009

How Victoria's Secret Stole all my money........

Old Guy Office Mate and I decided that being back to work after 5 days off SUCKED!

So, we cut out at lunch time and went Christmas shopping like a couple of old women.

Seriously, it’s not even Christmas Eve yet. I’m pretty sure we have vaginas now.

Regardless, it beats work.

Shopping….that is…….not vagina.

Although, that beats work too.

I’m seriously off topic here.


Shopping on….
Old Guy decided he wanted to buy my lunch for helping fix his computer. (Part of our shopping mission was to pick up a new graphics card for his personal PC, so he could use his new Hi-Def monitor)(Guess watching Porn in regular definition wasn’t cutting it.)

We ate buffet style at the Sirloin Stockade, replete with senior discount and all.

There we were…..At Lunchtime…..On a weekday.

I am pretty sure I was the only one there who didn’t remember the Normandy Invasion.

The only other person I saw without white hair was a guy who looked like he had probably been run out of every buffet in town.

You know……five full plates in front of him……an I.V. of gravy….. and sitting in 3 chairs.

I’m pretty sure I saw him pick his teeth with a child’s femur.

After lunch at God’s waiting room, we headed for the mall.


I ended up in Victoria’s Secret (that sounds dirtier than I meant for it too).

One of the only “hints” that I caught from the missus was that she needed some new bras.

Honestly though, any reason for a guy to go in that store is a decent reason.

Well, unless he’s buying something for himself.

I went in looking for their “new” bra that was supposed to be “special”. I have no idea why I keep using “quotes”.

After a fair amount of ogling fondling perusing the merchandise, I finally asked a VS lady for assistance.

Why do they always have really hot chicks with lots of cleavage working in these places? It’s so disgusting.*****(That was just in case wife reads this.)(However, that disclaimer probably ruined my ruse.)


Anynotreally, she shows me to the special bras.

Then I notice that the special bras aren’t available in my wife’s size, per the little slutty poster.

I voice this concern to the lady, and she said, “About 70% of women are wearing the wrong size bra. What size is she?”

I tell her what my wife said, but the lady is sure that is probably incorrect, because I’m a guy.

So I call the wife, to verify. The lady ends up having wifey measure herself over the phone.

While waiting for wife to get a tape measure, I say the following:

You guys should really have some of those different sized silicone molds, for when guys are shopping for their wives. I could totally put my hands on them and tell you which size hers are.”

VS Lady: *eye roll*


Later,

VS Lady: “These bras will add 2 cup sizes.”

Me: “Holy Crap!”..and then..“Wait, that’s false advertising. That’s basically like stuffing two pillows under your shirt and walking around all hot.”

VS Lady: “It will make her a Double D”.

Me: “I’ll take seven!”


I also asked about panties.

She took me to a table with dental floss. I thought I must have been smiling too much after eating at the buffet.

VS Lady: “Does she wear thongs?”

Me: “That’s none of your business.”

VS Lady: “Well, what do you like to see her in?”

Me: “Do you have any made of bacon?”

VS Lady: “What style panty does she normally wear?”

Me: “Something comfy, but not granny panties. Maybe Bikini briefs?”

VS Lady: “You’ve never noticed what type of panty she wears?”

Me: “I’m a guy! I only notice when she’s NOT wearing panties!”


$300 later…



I remember that wifey said she could use some new jeans.

Since we both like to pretend we’re still hip, young, and cool (she pretends, whereas, I really am!) I entered one of those trendy boutique stores.

They may even have had Twilight posters in the windows.

Charlotte Russe or something.

When Old Guy and I enter, the little clerk girl comes running over to us, as we are clearly over the age limit to be shopping there.

Clerk girl: “Can I help you.”

Me: “I doubt it. I need to get some jeans for my lady.”

Clerk girl: *clearly surprised that I have a lady*.. ”What type of jean?”

Me: “I don’t know. Something that makes her butt look good. Or those that say buy one get one 50% off.”

Clerk girl: *giggling* “How about these flare legs?”

Me: “NO! My wife said flare legs were out. She has a bunch that she is getting rid of.”

Clerk girl: “Flare legs aren’t out. Tell her they aren’t out and don’t get rid of them.”

Me: *enticed by the picture of the jeans model’s butt*…”What about these skinnies?”

Clerk girl: “Does she wear skinnies? Oh, and these are flare legs also. What size does she need? Do you like the light or the dark? Is she Team Jacob or Team Edward? What time is it in Borneo?”…(I’m not totally sure what all she was saying. She just kind of started rattling stuff off at machine gun pace in a high girlish shrill.)

Me: *looking at the tiny jeans on the table*…..”Do you have any in adult sizes?”

Clerk girl: *eye roll*

Me: “What about these?”…*holds up pair*

Clerk girl: “Those are popular. What size?”

Me: *I tell her the size my wife told me that I’m not going to tell you because I don’t want to die in my sleep for sharing but it turns out that the EVEN sizes my wife gave me are not inline with the ODD numbered sizes the store sells*……..”Well, she used to be BLANK before she had 4 kids, and now she wears BLANK. So it kind of depends on how high up they come because she still wears a size BLANK panty.” (insert even sizes for BLANK)

Clerk girl: “All our jeans are low rise, so let’s split the difference and go with BLANK.” (insert odd size for blank)….”How long are her legs?”

Me: “Longer than mine.”

Clerk girl: “So is she tall?”

Me: “She’s taller than me.”

Clerk girl: “Like……….?” *said kind of snooty*

Me: “Maybe 5’7”.”

Clerk girl: “OK, so she needs a Regular.”

Me: “I AM her Regular!”

Clerk girl: “I meant length.”

Me: “So did I!”

Clerk girl: *clearly ignoring me now*….”How about these?”…*holds some jeans up*….”They will make her legs look longer, and show off her height.”

Me: “Then we would be like Tom and Nicole, before the Katie"......... "Don’t you have any that would make her look shorter?”…..”Or maybe some that would make ME look longer?!”


My humor is often wasted at the mall.

80 comments:

kys said...

I'm laughing at your mall shenanigans! I can't believe you went through all that for your wife. I'll bet you get rewarded for your trouble.

Meagan said...

I started to copy and paste the lines that were cracking me up and then there were too many! Your brain is weird! Please quit your job and start stand up!

Aleta said...

I was thinking about what blog to visit today. I need a laugh, like you wouldn't believe. It's been rough and the Christmas spirit escapes me. When I looked at my blog list, I decided to go to yours. I'm so glad I did. Thank you for the smiles!!!

Meagan said...

Totally suggested my hubby go to victoria secret. The whole two cup size thing is good advertising on their part. Once you are off the market why not do some false advertising, not like anyone but your spouse will be checking. You should get her those reebok shoes that make your ass look better! ot saying anything about your wife's ass, just saying if she is like me and digs the two cup size thing she will probably dig those too.

Coffeypot said...

I can't go in there. My tongue gets so hard I tant tok. To I et hr a gif car.

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

Wow...you bought bras and panties...admit it, they were for you...right??

Jessica said...

Clerk girl: “I meant length.”

Me: “So did I!”

LMAO!!!!!!

adrienzgirl said...

My hubby wouldn't even try to go buy me bras and panties. Like ever. He would give me a card and say here go get what you want. Smooth move there Eddie!

Love that you managed to piss off both of the clerks! Awesome! See, I would find you funny.

Dual Mom said...

"I'll take seven"....LMAO

Oh my god I may pee my pants...

P.T said...

Hahahaha...you're funny! But you already know that... *grins*

Sally-Sal said...

I'm pretty sure I want an I.V. of gravy now.

Daffy said...

My hubs says he would rather beat his head against the wall for 8 hours than go into Victoria's Secret. Damn good thing my name isn't Victoria...I'd never get any.

Oh

Wait

I don't anyway

On another note, I'd totally shop with you. Flippin funny is what you are! I bet you and Old Guy looked like a cute little gay couple shopping.... Mutt and Jeff...how metrosexual of you

Elizabeth J. Adams said...

This is the best!! How come you aren't this fun when we go shopping together?...never mind, don't answer that
this is truly very, very sweet...forget the gifts, the hilarious thoughts behind them are CLASSIC <3, save this for me

Elizabeth J. Adams said...

Oh yeah, forgot to tell you, I'm Twilight deficient, but I can say with certainty I'm totally Team Edward

Carol said...

I think the different sized silicone molds would be a great idea!

Or you could just try grabbing some of the fake ones being flaunted by sales women. They would love that! Tell em' I said it was approved by us women with real tits!

Narm said...

Instead of silicon molds - they just need workers of every cup size for guys to feel up and see if that is what their wives feel like.

Think big, man!

Oh wait, Double D's. You were.

ScoMan said...

You have a lot of fun with the shopping assistants. Makes me wish I didn't do most of my shopping online. The comments I leave at the end are hardly as satisfying as annoying someone and seeing their reaction live.

Why can't there be a place to shop within 100 kilometres of this town? Then I wouldn't shop online. Stupid town.

The Blue Zoo said...

The bacon comment totally had me cracking up! That is something I can see my husband saying. He loves bacon!

Cassie said...

Well you get an A for effort in shopping for the wife and also an A for annoying teenyboppers who work in malls.

Moooooog35 said...

Did the panties add two sizes too?

Panty FAIL.

miss. chief said...

Dude...you can not blame the sales girls for that. Shopping for bras and jeans for somebody else? Those are like the two things I would never let anybody buy for me. You have to try that shit on, son

miss. chief said...

p.s. this was very funny

Travis said...

I love it! Great times! For sure, your wife is Team Edward. That's kick ass!

Sorry so late to this party.

I can't believe you went to the mall.

What a gay!

mepsipax said...

OMFG I laughed so hard I peed coffee. That shit burns, yo. Seriously though, we could have some fun at the mall. You should see me at restaurants.
You have some seriously quick wit. Better yet we shouldn't hang out. I am pretty sure we would cause someone to snap.

Ed Adams said...

I love my commenters. Even Moooog. I've been pretty lazy lately and haven't responded to my comments, so here goes:

kys: I didn't even have to wait until Christmas for my reward. TMI?

Meagan: Thanks. I would love to quit, but there's that whole "feeding my family" thing.

Aleta: Glad I could help. Comments like these warm my hearts. Yes, I have more than one.

Meagan (again): I'll have to check out those Reeboks. In the meantime, I am soooo telling my wife you said she has a flat ass.

Coffeypot: You do know that Viagra are NOT chewables? Right? E.D. Medication FAIL.

Lee the HFQ: I really wasn't ready to spill those beans yet, but thanks for the push.

Jessica:....:)

Adrienzgirl: I've worked retail, and both of my sisters were store managers. Shopping with me can sometimes be quite the experience.

Dual Mom: Oh no. I know a good place to buy jeans. In fact they have some BOGO 50% off.

P.T.: Thanks. Hearing it from someone besides myself always helps.

Sally-Sal: That's not all you want. Fess up. You want some bacon also.

Daffy: More like middle-aged guy sponging off his retired old father.

Elizabeth (x2): I love you. Just don't tell my wife.

Carol: Thanks. Can I call you for bail money too?

Narm: In this economy, everybody's worried about cutting costs, and payroll is always the first to get cut. Customer service be damned.

ScoMan: I would rather shop online. Then I don't have to walk.<-------lazy

The Blue Zoo: That would be the best kind of edible panty.

Cassie: Thanks. I always wanted to be an A student.

Mooooog35: They actually did, but my wife managed to fashion them into a lovely necktie for me. Although, it's a bit tight.

miss chief (x2): I wasn't blaming the girls. I was just having fun messing with them. Kind of like when you go into the bookstore and rip a loud fart while everyone is all quiet. Or something.

Ed Adams said...

Cont.

Travis: Being late isn't so bad. Unless you're a 14 yr old promiscuous girl. Chastity FAIL.
Don't be hating my gayness. I'll sick Adrienzgirl on you. She works for GLAAD I think.

mepsipax: Sorry about the Starbucks bath. And we would most definitely get arrested if we were out in public together.

DiPaola Momma said...

Don't kid yourself bub vaginae ARE work!

Ed Adams said...

Chicken NUGGS: Yeah, but it's the GOOD kind of work, like being a beer taster for Sam Adams.

Secret Agent K said...

lmfao @ size blank!!! Your wife sounds like me except when they ask me what size I am I tear up a little and tell them to mind their damn business...

Captain Dumbass said...

That post was all kinds of beautiful. Good luck with your new vagina.

Ed Adams said...

Secret Agent K: I'll have to try that technique the next time I buy condoms.

Captain Dumbass: Who needs luck when you got one of these! *points at crotch*

SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB said...

your wife must really trust you to pick out anything that a- she would like and b- that would fit her

Ed Adams said...

SFTC: She trusts me like a hooker trusts her purple stilleto pumps. That, and I've been buying her stuff for like 16 yrs.

Life Laugh Latte said...

My favorite line...and this was a tough choice (drum roll please) I’m pretty sure I saw him pick his teeth with a child’s femur.

Holly

Phillipia said...

This was a great post Ed, including all the comments. I jiggled a few pounds off laughing - I can skip Bally's tonight - thanks:)

AtYourCervix said...

And this is totally why I do my own shopping. Even for Christmas presents.

Miss Yvonne said...

I would NEVER let my husband shop for jeans for me. Because no matter what he brought back, it would be a fight. "These are soooo huge, how fat do you think I am!!!??" or "These are three sizes too small, are you saying I'm too fat!!???".

Also, I do believe my husband has told me on several occassions that they should make bacon underwear. The two of you would get along famously.

hotpants™ said...

So, is she 2 cup sizes bigger? Inquiring minds want to know.

Also, you've gained a new follower.

Joshua said...

Ed, where have you been all my life? I don't know how I missed your comments on Moog's until now. Made my morning, and reminds me of last year when shopping for Christmas.

-Joshua

Crystal said...

you're one of those people who, when i read your blog, it makes me feel dumb and nervous and have writer's block so i can't comment. if this were real life, and blogs were personalities, you would be Wendy Testaburger and I would be Stan Marsh.

that being said, i can't believe you told the jean girl what size "panty" your wife is! it's bad enough that you thought she needed that information, but the fact that you used the singular "panty" is killing me over here. lmao

Ed Adams said...

Life Laugh Latte: I'm glad you enjoyed that. You probably like watching Silence of the Lambs also.

Phillipia: Thanks. Glad I could help. I might rename my blog "The Biggest Loser". It's kinda of a double meaning.

AtYourCervix: Awww, got no one who loves you?

Miss Yvonne: My wife trusts me. She knows if I thought her ass was fat, I would just tell her. I wouldn't buy her the wrong size clothes. I even had her run through her sizes before I left.
P.S. It would be an honor to break bacon with your hubby.

hotpants: Thanks. I'll be buy to check you out. And I did let her try one on just to see if they fit. It looked pretty good to me.

Joshua: I've been doing this for a little while now. I like giving Moooooog the shit. Welcome to my nut house.

Ed Adams said...

Crystal: Now I have to Google Wendy Testaburger & Stan Marsh. Thanks.
As for the panty thing, I was trying to convey to the girl that if the jeans were low rise, no prob, as only the wife's muffin top had gotten bigger with kids.
What can I say, I'm a guy. And an open book.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I can only say the word "panty" with a Southern accent. Like, "Son, you gotta panty on yer head". <--What movie?

I like to ask for "underpants" when I'm at VS. That usually dissuades them from trying to measure me for anything.

Ed Adams said...

Steamy: I love that you quoted Raising Arizona on my blog comments. It's one of my All-Time Favs.
I also find it amusing that you use the term underpants when the correct pronuncimationism is underroos.

Martinis or Diaper Genies? said...

this is amazing.
First I can't believe you are shopping for clothes for her. B would NEVER EVER EVER!
Second, no one says "panties" don't be gross.
Third I disagree, shopping is better than a vagina.

Crystal said...

panties.

Alex said...

First time I've stopped by, damn you're funny.

I say they need a boob mould to feel up too. Guessing more men would go shopping for underwear then.

Johnny Virgil said...

My humor is wasted at the mall as well. Does your wife walk away from you shaking her head like mine does? While shopping for mattresses, I bounced on one a couple of times, looked at the salesman and asked, "So. How's the fart absorpsion on this model?"

Tamara aka Cheapskate Mom said...

LMAO - I am glad I finally got a moment to read this! Ed, you are so funny!

Your wifey needs to tell me if those bras really add two sizes. If so I am investing in those suckers! That would make me a "B" wahooo! I'm seriously like an A- right now..

I'm a boy shorts kind of girl. Those are some sexay panties without all that annoying anus rubbing thongs cause...pretty grody.

I'm surprised you didn't tell that clerk your length was "Long flare" hehe

It is the thought that counts but maybe next time you could get her a gift card and go shopping with her. Fitting rooms can be a fun place to hang with the spouse...hehe

Ed Adams said...

MODG: What can I say, I like spending money. And I'm a guy, so the V wins.

Crystal: Ha!....."Fight,Fight,Fight!"

Alex: Thank you & thank you! I am totally patenting those boob molds.

Johnny Virgil: Ha! Fart absorption! She usually claims I'm her retarded brother.

Cheesecake: First, thanks for YOUR LONG WINDED COMMENT on my "long winded post".
Secondly, just when I think you're all sweet and innocent, you bust out "anus rubbing thongs".
I'll take your word on the fitting room friskiness.

Sally-Sal said...

Bacon is only a good present if it comes in a certain size. Like hella bacon.

Sebastian said...

I have so much to look forward to when I'm older and married...

Hopefully my trips to the lingerie store will be as funny as yours :)

Sebastian said...

(Actually, I have some lingerie store stories from a relationship a few years ago, but I'm not quite ready to share those...)

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The Princess of Sarcasm said...

OMG! THis is the funniest farking thing I've read in a long time.....

You poor wife is either brave or insane for letting you attempt to pick out jeans for her. But from your other posts...I've determined she's also a saint.

Seriously, dude...I can't believe I haven't read your chit until now. It's going to take me FOREVER to get through it all.

The Princess of Sarcasm said...

OMG! THis is the funniest farking thing I've read in a long time.....

You poor wife is either brave or insane for letting you attempt to pick out jeans for her. But from your other posts...I've determined she's also a saint.

Seriously, dude...I can't believe I haven't read your chit until now. It's going to take me FOREVER to get through it all.

The Princess of Sarcasm said...

Sorry....I'm impatient and hit publish again.

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