Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Earthquakes ruin everything, including education.

I have to thank my wife for finding these for me. It says so in our prenup.

Scientists say that the recent Chilean 8.8 earthquake shifted the earth’s axis, thereby shortening the day by like 1.8 milliseconds.


Excuse me while I reset the millisecond hand on my watch.

How can they even measure that?

1 millisecond is the time that it takes to… just forget about it because you can’t even comprehend how little time that is.

They stress that the change is permanent.


There goes a millisecond of my life I’ll never get back.

In fact, there went a billion milliseconds in the time it took me to just think that.

They also said that the 9.1 quake that caused that big Tsunami in 2004 shortened the day by 6.4 milliseconds.

Thanks for telling us NOW, assholes!

Geez, don’t there realize how many milliseconds we’ve lost since 2004?

Like a hundredth of a second worth.

I totally could have started to blink an eye in that time.

You owe me a start-to-blink-an-eye, Mr. Scientists!!

I hope these day shortening earthquakes don’t continue. Or in a Million Billion Gadzillion years, 7-11 might have to change its name.

I wonder if I can use the quakes as an excuse.

“It would have lasted longer, Honey, but these DAMN earthquakes ruined everything when they shortened time, including sex.”


The State of Indiana has cut Education again.

Because we obviously have too much of it.

I guess they are going to focus our resources where they are needed more.

Like maybe building more jails. And issuing more welfare.

“I’m sorry that we can’t afford to teach you to read, little Johnny. But I do have some good news! Here’s some free money to buy crack. AND, when you get busted for using, we have a nice place all set up for you. You’ll get 3 meals and a bed, plus cable.”

P.S. This post only took 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 x 10 milliseconds to write. Give or take.


EmcogNEATO! said...

I probably shouldn't even get started about Mitch Daniels and all the "jobs" he's created too. At any rate, your post made me laugh. That's about all I can hope for.

Anonymous said...

This just further proves my claim that EARTHQUAKES ARE ASSHOLES. Because really, who wants to reach those nasty "getting older" milestones a whole like...seven milliseconds early? I mean imagine when you're about to be 60 and classed as "senior" and you have to start thinking "That's it, I am officially OLD.", now we all have to feel that sadness about 7 milliseconds earlier than before. I object. I want my seven milliseconds back right now!

June said...

Thank you for that insightful information.

Sounds like Indiana has their priorities in order.......

Travis said...

When you're as fast as I am in the sack, every millisecond counts.

That can mean the difference between "just the tip" and "almost to the tip."

Yeah. I'm very disappointing.

Alison said...

WOW....we need to really be using our time better than this....I mean we are short milliseconds now

Hillbilly Duhn said...

LOL!! I missed out on a millisecond and didn't even know it? Dammmmmnnnn.

Well, at least your wife get's sex, even lacking the millisecond or two.

MJenks said...

You're off by a factor of 1,000. It shortened each day by 1.6 microseconds, which is about a millionth of a second.

And, as to how you can measure that, you can use atomic clocks, wherein they measure the decay of various isotopes.

The natural log is your friend. Or, 1 over ln2, at least...

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

At least Johnny will be comfy in his cell.

Moooooog35 said...



*head pops

Anonymous said...

Geez! Missing milliseconds? Whatever will we do?

Im sure your wife will be super impressed by your new and improved excuses. =)

carissajade said...

Now I'm fretting. All this time I was thinking a Millisecond was a much much greater amount of time than it actually was. Now my brain hurts.


this was one of my favorite posts of yours ever

very funny ed

my hat's off to you

Matty said...

Oh dang...the time I lost just reading this. Who do I see about getting it back?

Momma Fargo said...

Thank you for your education lesson today on science and sex. Now I can tell hubs he doesn't have to be sad about getting older, things are getting shorter...oh, you were talking about time.

anya said...

Just ask any Olympic athelete who went home with a silver medal....a millisecond is EVERYTHING.

Cassie said...

Take heart, maybe the next earthquake will bring back that 1.8milliseconds. I mean if they take it away, they should be honor bound to give it back at SOME point.

The Princess of Sarcasm said...

OMG...does that mean Monday comes quicker now too?! I'm blaming this on Al Gore too!!

Alex said...

Stupid earthquakes, not enough hours in the day as it is...

adrienzgirl said...

OMG...apparently you need those extra milliseconds for sleep, cause you my friend are Mr. Cranky Pants without them!

Coffeypot said...

You scoff now, but in 1 Billion years you will be sorry. By then when 12 noon is actually 11:00 am and you have another hour before lunch you will be really hungry.

The Office Scribe said...

Maybe I'm saying this because I'm not married, but instead of using an earthquake as an excuse to shorten my sex life I like to use my sex life as the reason earthquakes exist.

((( wink wink )))

Anonymous said...

Maybe the next earthquake will be on the other side of the world and knock it back to where it was. This will make up for all time lost.


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