Monday, March 1, 2010

I was Dad/Husband of the year!...How was your weekend?

I haven’t forgotten/given up on Stickman. He will return.

Saturday, I had the pleasure of having all 3 of my lovely children all day by myself.

Now, I know this is nothing new for you SAHMs, like my beautiful wife, who do this day in and day out.

However, I’m a working dad who normally spends about 4 hours with his kids in the evening.

Which, after you subtract for my pooping and eating, it really only amounts to about an hour or so before their bedtime.

And all of that is with my wife present, which helps with things like interpreting for the baby, reminding me who is grounded from video games, who has early bedtime, who ate what for lunch so they don’t have the same thing for dinner, blah, blah, blah…

So, an event like Saturday was basically like me becoming a parent for the first time all over again.

Not to mention, the difference between 3 kids and 2 kids, is like the difference between 1 kid and NO kids.

My wife?

Oh, she was off enjoying some much needed time away with a friend.

She went to Indy to pick out and try on her dress for her friend’s Renaissance wedding.

It’s like Medieval Times meets a Las Vegas Wedding Chapel.

Or maybe Robin Hood + Rocky Horror Picture Show - Father of the Bride?

Regardless, she was excited about her dress/costume.

Meanwhile, I was dealing with stuff like this:

Max (10 yr/old): “Dad! Lily just took a piece of poop out of her diaper!!!”
Me: “What the….”
Lily: *looked of BUSTED written on her face*
Max: “Nevermind. She put it back in.”

Me: “Where are the wipes?!?!”
Max: “I think we’re out.”
Me: *uncontrollable sobbing*
Sammy (5 yr/old): “Is mommy home yet?”

Sammy: “Dad.”
Me: “Yeah bud?”
Sammy: “Can I have some lunch? I’m STARVING!”
Me: “It’s only 10 am! You just had breakfast like an hour ago.”
Sammy: “Is mommy home yet?”
Me: “…….”

Sammy: “What time is mommy getting back?”
Me: “She said 2 or 3, but I’m guessing with drive time and girl stuff, it will probably be closer to 4 or 5.”
Sammy: “What time is it now?”
Me: “12:30.”
*5 minutes later*
Sammy: “Is mommy home yet?”
Me: “……..*Blink, Blink*……”

My lovely wife returns to rescue me around 4:30pm.

She does not seem sympathetic to my plight in the least.

Doesn’t she understand what HELL I’ve been in?!?!?!

Oh wait. That’s right.

I’ve been having a taste of her world.

Actually, it was more of just a nibble.

This is all hindsight of course.


Now, and by now I mean back then on Saturday, I was all pissy.

Then she tells me (of course she later swears she didn’t tell me this) I have to be at the School for the BINGO thing I am calling/MCing at 5pm.

I jump up, get in the shower, and throw on some clothes.

We get there at like 5:02pm.

My Mother-In-Makesmylifehell-Law asks my wife what time it starts, and my wife says something like, “Well, it starts at 6pm, but the doors open a 5:30.”

I flip my poop.

See……I HATE to wait……… Also, I am often late.

I think the two go nicely together, because when you show up late (or as I like to call it, “On time”), then you never have to wait.

It’s simple Math really.

My wife HATES that I’m always “late”, as she calls it.

This is just because she sucks at Math, I think.

Back to our story…

I instantly concoct in my supremely huge brain that my wife has done the ole’ switcheroo.

I think, she has told me that I had to be there at 5, only to make sure I was there on time and not late, thereby treating me like the child I am.

I instantly look over at my wife, and giving her my biggest stink eye, I say, “I soooo want to punch you in the face right now! You said I had to be here at 5 and the doors don’t even open until 530!”

Then I get out of the minivan, slam the door, and stomp off to pout inside.

This is a wonderful start to my evening…

See, this BINGO thing was something I got roped into like 4 years ago, when my wife was on the PTO board.

They needed someone to call the numbers, and since I have no life outside of family, I volunteered.

By volunteered, I mean my wife probably said something like, “They need someone to call the numbers at the PTO Bingo. Will you do it?”, and I said “Sure.”

See how they do that?

It’s marriage mind control.

It’s basically saying, “Since this needs done, and you’re my husband, and I control you, you will do this. BUT, I will phrase it like a question so you think you have an option, and that maybe, really it was your idea in the first place.”

So I did it that first year. And I actually had fun.

Then they asked me to do it again the next year.

And I said yes, ON MY OWN.

And the next year.

And then this year.

Why did they keep asking me? I don’t know.

I guess because everybody else was chicken.

Or because they thought I was funny.

Regardless, after the Saturday that I had, I am pretty sure they won’t be asking me back next time.

I think I left my funny in Lily’s wipes case.

However, I did have the pleasure of taking a leak during intermission only to turn around mid junk-in-hand/pre-zip up, and see my Mother-In-Law standing behind me.

Me: “Helen!”
MIL: “Oh Ed, I thought this was the girl’s room. They all look alike.”
Me: “Yeah, except for the penises and urinals!”


Travis said...

What a classy guy. Showing your junk to the MIL.

My mother in law said this to my innocent bride on her wedding day.

"Now Alicia, Travis is a big guy, so make sure you have some lube for your first time."

Little did she know, I'd been banging her daughter for a year.

Oh. And it's not that big.

Anonymous said...

I blame the commenter above for me losing my train of thought. Seriously... I got nothing.

Anonymous said...

Are you and Travis havin like a guy convo here cause not for nothin...

Anyway, now that I shook that image from my mind...

Hehe he said lube

and you said Junk

Ahh man forget it I was gonna say somethin witty but whatever

Captain Dumbass said...

Just lurched into a full body convulsion at the thought of seeing my MIL while holding my junk.

Tony said...

Man, if Merkin's mom saw my junk, she will not let it down. Thank God I only pee like three times a day.

Man, your wife's a lucky lady with you taking care of three kids, all day, by yourself. If Merkin and I have kids, and she wants a day to herself, I'm going to tell her to take the little craps with her.

...yeah, I don't see that happening either.

Aleta said...

LMAO. Great post. Just great and I'm glad Greg doesn't read your blog, otherwise he'd be getting some ideas. LMAO

Matty said...

I like how you describe her return as a "rescue". Been there, done that.

Laurie said...

I hope you fed them something more substantial than marshmellows...and changed the diaper rather than washing the baby down with a water hose...

That's what my husband would've done with our boys.

Cassie said...

I do the same thing to my husband when I want to show up somewhere on time/not late.

Alison said...

Ed you are just too funny 3 kids all day what a hard life that must Travis if my mother said anything to my hubby other than...."run she is the devil"....I would be happy.

Momma Fargo said...

Funny! And I've got one up on you and Travis...I have a MONSTER in law...stories I could tell but choose to spare you all. Never have showed her my junk... cause I don't have any...but did tell her where to put something once...or was that to suck big donkey dicks...can't remember.

Alex said...

Left the kids with the husband once, came back to find one kid on the roof cleaning the gutters, one still in bed @ 5pm, baby eating sticks and a shoe in the toilet.

(Figured out he just does a piss poor effort at things just so he doesn't get asked to do them again.)

Momma Fargo said...

I awarded you today! Go see.

The Office Scribe said...

It's when I hear stories like this that I recall the days I used to babysit by locking the kids in their rooms until they were so exhausted from screaming they passed out...

I call them "the good old days"

Anonymous said...

I cant leave hubby home with the kids for more than a hour or he calls me every five minutes, are you coming home yet?

adrienzgirl said...

BDC is better with the kids than I am. Strange.

Travy is right, showing the MIL your junk? CLASSY

Anonymous said...

Oh holy hell! LMAO Sounds like you've had quite the time lately.

From pooing babies to flashing your MIL - Just peachy stuff you got goin' on.

ScoMan said...

Can anyone enter the bingo thing?
What's the grand prize?
Will you accept chicken feed as a bribe?

Daffy said...

I 69

I 69

The Princess of Sarcasm said...

My dad walked into the bathroom after my hubby...then boyfriend...whom he hated. They pissed beside each other. (My dad made a stupid joke about the water being cold.) At least my dad knows why I will never, ever divorce my husband. ;)


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