Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Church, Movies, and Hockey

Here’s what happened the rest of my weekend.

I went to church, because I love Jesus.

I was “On Time”, which meant the 5 normal parking spots were taken.

I’ve been telling the elders at the church that we need a REAL parking lot, but since I’m not Jesus, they don’t listen to me.

We have a huge empty lot next door that just needs some gravel put down and “BAM!”, parking lot.

Usually, I have to park down the street and walk a block or two.

It’s like they’re trying to kill me.

I’m starting to think that the reason they don’t put a parking lot in is because they don’t want me to have anywhere to park so I will go somewhere else.

Sunday, I parked in that empty lot.

That will teach them.

I did this in the spirit of brotherly love, of course.

After church, my wife decided to bless me with a day to myself.

“Why don’t you call Jimmy (brother-in-law) and see if he wants to go to a movie.”


(She probably just felt bad because she left me with the kids all Saturday.)

(Or she was trying to sabotage my diet plan so I wouldn’t become svelter than her, because she knows that I can’t go to the movies without a GIANT tub of buttered popcorn and a couple packs of Twizzlers, which I wash down with a Diet Coke to offset the calorie onslaught.)

I picked up Jimmy and we went to see Cop Out.

It was actually pretty funny.

It’s the ole’ Black Cop / White Cop buddy flick, a la Lethal Weapon, Beverly Hills Cop, or Rush Hour (if Jackie Chan had been white instead of Asian).

The best part is when Traci whatshisnamefromSNL punches a smartass little kid in the nuts.

I love it when kids get punched in the nuts for being smart.

Not in real life, cause that’s eff’ed up, but in movies.

Like in Bad Santa, when Billy Bob gets punched in the nuts, then he punches the black midget in the nuts, and then the midget punches the little kid in the nuts for laughing. Then they are all lying on the ground holding their nuts.


Of course, if I saw someone do that to a kid in real life, I would punch that person in the nuts.

But movies are different.

Anything can happen in movies.

Movies can make you laugh, cry, whatever.

I love movies.

Sometimes they just make you feel or do stuff that you normally wouldn’t in real life.

Like when the wife and I saw Traffic in the theater and it was over and she wanted to get up and hug the black people sitting behind us.

At first I was like, “Yeah, let’s do that.”

Then I was like, “What the forshizzle is wrong with you?! You wanna get us killed?! You can’t be all hugging on random black people!!”

Movies are great.

Afterwards, Me & Jimmy went to Buffalo Wild Wings to watch the Gold Medal Hockey Game between Canada and the USA.

We had a couple Coronas.

The US lost.

The End.


Momma Fargo said...

LMAO! You kill me.

Anonymous said...

Good to know that Cop Out was pretty funny. Im sure the Hubs will want to see it.

You should make a sign for your parking spot in the empty lot. Cause you know someone is gonna steal your spot now!

ScoMan said...

Maybe your church things Jenny Craig is jesus and this is the way they make everyone excercise.

I'm not sure, but just keep an eye open.

Anonymous said...

Make an "ABLED" sign for your spot on the vacant lot. that will make them take note

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

I watched the hockey players...does that count?

Alison said...

The parking thing is a conspiracy against you....a little birdie told me so...lol

Anonymous said...

Clearly I don't read my followed blogs often enough.

That was hilarious and quite nut-punchy.

I don't just throw that comment out to everyone.

JennyMac said...

I love it when kids get punched in the nuts for being smart.

Not in real life, cause that’s eff’ed up, but in movies.


and Coronos you say? YUM. Glad you enjoyed the movie. Tracy Morgan is crazy. Nut puncher.

Daffy said...

Buttered movie theater popcorn smells like dirty feet.

I have a BIL named Jimmy.

My husband drinks Coronas

Dang, we have a lot in common.

GingerJar said...

Maybe you should suggest a "love" offering to gravel the "parking" lot...churches love a new reason to ask for money. It might even work.

Jennee said...

all in brotherly love...which really means you think i'm joking but i'm not. kinda like when people say bless your heart I will be praying for you...that really mean...you are so stupid!

Cassie said...

If your wife sent you to the movies to sabotage your diet, WIN! Not only that but following up with buffalo wings and Coronas? Double Win!!

Tony said...

Corona, eh? Mexican piss water? Meh.

Have you ever seen Babel? That movie made me want to give hugs to Asian girls.

The Princess of Sarcasm said...

Oh man....maybe that was you and not some fat disgusting chick in front of me at the movies the other day with the popcorn and sugar buffet....

June said...

I will have to go check out Traffic.

The End.

Tamara aka Cheapskate Mom said...

Yeah Traffic was one of those get up and hug random people kind of movies. I think people getting hit in the nuts is a hoot...and no movie experience is complete without raisinettes and sour patch kids!

I want a day to myself! You better be loving up real nice on that lovely wife of yours!

anya said...

This is super funny!

Hissyfits & Halos said...

There's nothing funnier than seeing a midget get punched in the nuts. Classic.

I love going to the movies. It's the only time my husband will stop talking, and I get some peace. ;)

Tracie said...

I'm thinking I'll have to let my husband have some alone time at a strip club. He needs rewarded for letting me go visit the gals this weekend.

Moooooog35 said...

I love random black people.

I forget where I was going with that.

Forgotten said...

Tracie, are you nuts? You let him have time at the strip club and then give him alone time at home so he can beat off by HIMSELF. How's that for alone time?

I totally loved Badder Santa. That movie just rocks. "Are you fucking with me?"

Elle said...

HI-larious. I love it.


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