Thursday, February 25, 2010

Wii Fit is a Smartass......Just like my kid

The Wii Fit is a smartass.

I got on that thing the other night and here’s what happened:

WiiFit: “WHOA!”
Me: “Excuse me?”
WiiFit: “I said Whoa.”
Me: “That’s not very nice. And..did you…just….ANSWER me?”
WiiFit: “Looks like it’s been 361 days since your last visit.”
Me: “That’s probably about right. My wife has been using you, but I haven’t since about the first week we got you.”
WiiFit: “Don’t worry, I never forget a name. Are you ready….Liz? Hahaha, just kidding.”
Me: “……..”
WiiFit: “Stand still and try to relax your shoulders”
ME: “What? Wait…are we doing a prostate exam or are we going to exercise?”
WiiFit: “Looks like your weight is 206.5 lbs.”
Me: “Holy Sh….”
WiiFit: “This is an increase of 10 lbs since your last visit.”
Me: “No Sh….”
WiiFit: “Way back then, you set a goal to LOSE 15 lbs.”
Me: “I had completely forgotten abo…”
WiiFit: “You have clearly failed to reach your goal.”
Me: “……..”
WiiFit: “This time, try setting more achievable goals.”
Me: “Thanks for the tip, assh…..”
WiiFit: “Like gaining 15 lbs. Hahahahaha”
Me: “Listen smartass, I still have your receipt. Don’t make me tak…..”
WiiFit: “Now, we’ll look at your BMI.”
Me: “Didn’t Nintendo teach you it’s not polite to interrupt peo……”
WiiFit: “Last time your BMI was 32.18, which was obese.”
Me: “………”
WiiFit: “This time it’s…….it’s…..it’s….I’m sorry, my BMI chart doesn’t go that high.”
Me: “What the F…..”
WiiFit: “Basically, it’s the same as Crisco.”
Me: “…….”
WiiFit: “Select a new goal now, Tubby.”
Me: “What did you just call me? That’s IT! I’ll show you!”

*frantically pushing buttons until goal maker maxes out*

WiiFit: “Great. You have selected your goal as losing 22 lbs in 30 days. Fat chance.”
Me: “………”
WiiFit: “Even if miracles happened and you reached that impossible goal, your BMI would still be Obese.”
Me: *GASP*
WiiFit: “The good news is, at least then you would register on my BMI chart.”
Me: “…….”
WiiFit: “Maybe you should consult your doctor before beginning an exercise program.”
Me: “What the F…..”
WiiFit: “AND your mental health provider before setting goals for yourself.”
Me: “I hate you.”

I blame Nintendo.
Everybody knows the Japanese hate fat people.
Unless they are wearing diapers and pushing each other around a circle.


So it is day four of the new me, and my pants already fit better.
I love being a dude.
Not only because of the standing to pee thing, but belly fat is so much easier to lose than hippage.


I cut the boys hair last night.
As I’m running the clipper/trimmer thingy over his head, my five year old said this:

Sam: “Don’t cut off my eyebrows.”
Me: “What? Why would I do that?”
Sam: “Because they look like hair. But they are NOT!”
*10 year old starts laughing hysterically in the background*
Me: “They aren’t hair?”
Sam: “Nope”

32 comments:

BigSis said...

More reason not to get the Wii Fit. But, this cracked me up!

Daffy said...

Oh Ed....the things you do to my funny bone...

Speaking of which, I'm pimping you tomorrow at the Pond. FYI

Miss Yvonne said...

That wii fit is such a bitch. Next time be sure you say something like "your mom's a bmi". That'll teach it.

Brutalism said...

I like it when my Wii Fit tells me I'm off balance.

Pat said...

That's just what a need! A Wii Fit Trainer! I don't know if I can take the criticism without crying. I'm sure my BMI is off the chart, too. I feel your pain.

Funny stuff.

Don't shave my eyebrows! Ha!

Just Another Momma said...

Best part is when my Mii blows up so big it looks like it's going to explode.
Then, after that slap in the face it says to me,
"Uh oh, you're obese"
Yeah thanks . . Like I wasn't already aware.
Love this post though, LMAO!

Lily said...

I HEARD that Wii just came out with a "tough love" program, but I didn't believe it 'till now...

Tony said...

Try power walking, Ed! You know how awesome you'd be if you power walked? Like really awesome, because power walking has the word "power" in it, and that in itself sounds like a beastly exercise.

And screw Wii Fit. Video games are supposed to help you GAIN weight not LOSE weight. Wii Fit is a stupid turd.

MJenks said...

The Japanese have such a wicked sense of humor, don't they, Tubby?

Terry said...

Oh my goodness...this was hysterical and yet so true!! That WiiFit can sure make one feel like crap, huh?? Glad your pants are already fitting better....
Not liking you right now.....as mine are still tight! grrrrr

anya said...

That f@*king bitch of a Wii....she said my Wii age was WAY older than I really am.
Everyone knows not to mess with a woman's age.

Cassie said...

If you can lose enough weight for your pants to fit better in four days, I will no longer be accepting "losing weight" as an excuse for not blogging.

Momma Fargo said...

Hilarious! I often think there is a little man in there watching me. Sometimes creepy. I think you answered my mystery.

Travis said...

At least your Wii didn't tell you to get the hell off of it.

Tubby.

Tamara aka Cheapskate Mom said...

LMAO Ed! I haven't seen my Wii Fit in quite some time. I think I'll dust it off and watch it laugh at me too.

You should get the Wii Fit Plus - for Plus Size Fatties!! hehe

Monique-aka-Surferwife23 said...

That thing is a huge bitch. I hate it. Though I do give her props for relating your BMI to Crisco.

The Blue Zoo said...

Sam is hilarious! My kids are always scared Im going to shave their eyebrows too!!

Glad Im not the only one who cusses while exercising.

Captain Dumbass said...

The Wii Fit is a bitch, but she's got a nice caboose.

It's not hair. That's awesome.

ScoMan said...

What you do with the Wii fit right, is you change people's height. One of the girls I work with did that to her husband, and he's like 6'8 and probably 100 kilos which is probably good for someone that tall but when she put his height at 5'4 and he stepped on it the Wii scolded him and drew him as a little fat guy.

Tgoette said...

Wow, I'm so glad I didn't get a Wii Fit! They were out of them so I got a different, more brutal workout program.

Someday I'll even open it and check it out.

♥Georgie♥ said...

LMAO!!!! stopping by from batcraps blog she had you pimp'd out today

Kristen said...

So funny...I am going to have to add you to my list!

I am over from Daffy's blog.

Thanks for the giggle :)

Ian said...

BIG PIMPIN

Ian @ thedailydoseofreality.blogspot.com

is in da hizzouse. Daffy threatened me if I didn't follow so therefore I am here.

Entertain me.

*peruses blog*

Nice. I think I might stick around for a while.

Matty said...

Greetings from the pond. Daffy sent me over.

I'm always on the lookout for other men who blog, since there aren't many of us.

My daughter and her family have a Wii, and they use it all the time. I tried it once and played tennis with my 5 year old grandson. He destroyed me. I never used it again.

Matty

Heather said...

Visiting from Daffy's! My Wii fit is always rude as hell.

Melissa said...

OMG...you are funny as hell! My Wii Fit is not as rude as yours, but it's bossy when I don't visit for a few days.

adrienzgirl said...

Kamden is always afraid I am going to cut his ears? What the hell? They are clippers kid not a scalpel.

Yeah...the Japanese love to make fun of us stupid fat white folk. Ever seen the show "I survived a Japanese Game Show"?

The Princess of Sarcasm said...

It called you Liz....LMAO.

BMI of Crisco.....effin' funny.

Don't worry.

We will still love you even if you're fat. <--cuz we have to have someone to make fun of.

Johnny Virgil said...

Try the Body For Life program, or the P90X when you get ready for some really tough love. The hard part with them (and any workout plan, I guess) is to put the time in...they are like 45 minutes a day, with one day off, and that's tough to do...but good luck, man.

Hissyfits & Halos said...

My Wii Fit is Satan incarnate. We don't speak, anymore. (after a similar encounter)

I've always cut my fam's hair. I DID accidentally cut a line in an eyebrow one time. Wasn't pretty.

You really should check out that P90X thing that Johnny Virgin (*giggle*) recommended up there. That's awesome stuff. My nephew does the program, and the change in his little scrawny self is amazing. He models for Abercrombie, now. I'm gonna order it, if I ever get motivated. ;)

SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB said...

TOP OF THE MORNIN' TO YE

yet another reason to NOT buy Wii fit

i tell myself enough times a day that i am fat. i don't need a computer game to tell me every day too.

just as fyi, IT'S HERE. tomorrow you are top blog of the week. would you mind putting a wee blurb somewhere on your post so if my followers come to follow you they will know you are at the right place? thanksomuch

and sorry for the late notification. i have been ill. like serious. blood test and whatnot ill. so i'm doing my best. thanks again. kelly

Scott said...

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You have a nice blog. At last you can unlock wii console worldwide without risky hardware modification or expensive modchip's. I remove all the guess work out of my 3 step process that will allow you to unlock your Wii in under 5 minutes!

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