Tuesday, February 23, 2010

How did I get so FAT?.....Thankfully, I'm still sexy!

It’s Tuesday already. Holy Shmoly.

You might be asking yourself about me, “Where has he been? And how is he reading my mind? And how is he still doing it? And will he know if I think of something bizarre and off the wall like…..Pink Pickled Pigs Pheet? Or….Unicorn Horn-on-the-Cob? DANG IT! He’s good at this mind reading stuff, but that still doesn’t explain his absence.”

Well, let me answer all your questions with subliminal telepathic morse code.

“Ahem -..--.-.--…-.-.----..-.-…-…--.--.---.----.-.--.--.----.-…--lazy--..-.--…-.-…---.---.-…----..-.-.-.---.TV Olympic Coverage--.---.-.---.-..-…..--.-.-.—diet & exercise--…..-..-.--.----.-.--.-.-.-.--..--…..--.--.-.--.----.-…busy @ work.-.-.------…-.-.---.-….-.---.-.—planning vacation--.-.-.-….---.-.--.---.-.-.-.---.---.---…---….-.-.---.-.-F*#@ the Mayans”

(pretend I said all of that with my mind)


So, I’ve been getting FAT.

I hate that.

Sweet rhyming skills aside, I have been letting myself go.

I don’t know how fat, because I don’t own a scale, but my pants have stopped fitting.

MY BIG PANTS.

It’s sad.

I still remember my glory days.

5’8”……172 lbs……3% bodyfat……17”biceps…..28” waist……YES, I was 18, but so what.

Now………..5’4 ½”…….200+ lbs…..1,000,000% bodyfat……36+” waist

I’m almost taller lying down.

I can’t take it.
I used to workout a lot.
I played sports in school.
I was in the military.
I have belonged to a gym off and on my entire adult life.

Example:
I used to work in a doctors office in Michigan City and I got to be pretty good friends with one of the physicians there. (Dr. A!) We used to workout after work at the local YMCA.

Then I moved.
I quit working out.
I started working at the VA, where I would sit on my butt all day, eating carry-in food and snacking.
I got fat.
Eventually, I joined the local YMCA in Marion.
I started working out at lunchtime. I got lean again.
Then someone complained about my “long lunches” (which was BS).
So I quit going to the YMCA, and started blogging during my lunch hour instead.
Surprise!
I got fat again.

Basically, I’m the poor white Oprah.


Regardless, I have resolved to get my waistline back to at least one zip code.

No more junk food.
No more sitting all day.
No more blogging during lunch (in fact, no blogging from work at ALL---expect more infrequent and erratic blog posts from now on---mostly in the late evenings), but instead I’ll be walking the hallways.
Nightly workouts at home are the new norm.


So last night was my first time working out in 6 or 7 months. Basically, since I started this blog.

I was going to try that P90X series, which I got from a friend.

I quickly realized that I valued my life too much to jump right into that. I need to get into shape BEFORE I get into shape.

Instead, I rode my Schwinn Recumbent Exercise bike for 20 mins, then did a couple sets of push-ups and pull-ups.

Two things I noticed:

1. My plan to start slow was foiled by my over-eager definition of the word “slow”.
2. My belly has decided to conspire against my workout efforts by preventing my decent while in the push-up position. (Imagine a teter-toter….as my chest goes toward the floor, my feet are driven towards the ceiling.)

However, after I finished and showered and got past the feelings of imminent death, I actually felt AWESOME.

I was slightly disappointed that my six-pack abs hadn’t instantly returned. But I quickly forgot about that, thanks to half a gallon of Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey.

Kidding.

UPDATE: I almost forgot. Cheesecake made me a "button". Thanks Cheese. It's over there on the side bar if you want it.

21 comments:

Life Laugh Latte said...

You go for it! I think blogging is giving me an eye twitch, a painful shoulder, and neck issues. Yeah...not so good. It also makes me a little cranky if I do it for too long. Like, what happens to the kids if they watch too much tv. Holly

DiPaola Momma said...

ME TOO! well on the whole Chunky Monkey thing. Since I started getting paid to be online my ass has expanded quicker than a super model who ingests a grain of rice (has to work me & super model into one comment). I TELL myself, it's work now.. I NEED to do it but sort of like Lays baby you can't stop at one (read any metaphor you'd like into that one).

Wii fit Yoga & Wii active kick butt PLUS the cost less than a gym membership and don't come with the perfect people at the gym who FORCE us to eat donuts after a workout because we've faced the fact that even sweat of tsunami proportions can't make us look like them.

Cassie said...

I think it would be a lot easier if you just convince everyone that short and round is the new sexy.

Laurie said...

Not to sound like a smug asshole(okay, thats a lie), but I completed the P90X, moved onto the insanity program and am now doing a yoga routine. That shit is brutal, but if you stick with it for three, four days, then let the soreness wear off, it's not so bad. Sure, you'll feel like you've been hit by a car, but you can't be a pansy your whole life.

:-) Best wishes to you. My husband says he's waiting until his waist is bigger around than the length of his legs, then he'll start working out. Only problem is, he keeps buying longer pants....

Momma Fargo said...

Let it all hang out...or Not. Go for the 6 pack...I always do...prefer 90 Schilling, actually,...LOL. Just kidding.

And don't forget to blog. You are too funny to quit and besides, your fingers and wrists need to be muscle like the rest of your body.

anya said...

I got the muffin top goin' on. Unfortunately for me, the only place in the world that this is sexy is in a jungle somewhere in Timbuktu. And they don't even wear pants!

Tony said...

I was the same about two and a half years ago. Fit. I probably weighed like 135 pounds. I could do back flips, and run around like a maniac. Then I gained weight like a mofo. I topped out at 190. I'm down to 165 now, but man, that was a bitch.

Good luck in your endeavors, big guy. I mean...fit guy.

The Princess of Sarcasm said...

Yay! You got a button!! Princess is very happy.

If this new healthy lifestyle means you won't be blogging, I know some people (me) who will not be happy. :(

Tip: It's a whole lot easier to bring your wife donuts so she gets fat too than it is to lose weight. That's what the prince did to me. B@st@rd....

Alison said...

one thing I would like to point out about our early days in school....way the heck back in the stone ages...Kindergarten....ROUND IS A SHAPE.....:0)

Alison said...

one thing I would like to point out about our early days in school....way the heck back in the stone ages...Kindergarten....ROUND IS A SHAPE.....:0)

adrienzgirl said...

You are the white Oprah? Does that mean you get to retire next year too? Who will you give your show to?

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

Cute Button. You sound like my husband...I was 140 pounds and had 0% body fat when I was wrestling and could lose 20 pounds in 2 days. Now he's just fat.

Coffeypot said...

Fat ass on a woman, I like; fat ass on a man, I could care less. Hell, Ed, lets have a beer and talke about when we could fit into pants that wouldn't go around our arms, now.

Daffy said...

No wonder you are wearing shorts today. You out grew your fat pants....


It's okay - it happens.

Join up with us fatties at the Lose It Bitches blog! Seriously! Good tips great recipes and lots of motivation and support!

YOU CAN DO IT

Terry said...

Listen to Daffy and join us at Lose It Bitches...we are full of fun and support and whining and bitching and yeah...all THAT! See you there??

Monique-aka-Surferwife23 said...

Ok, so I come up with all my blog postings during my runs. My brain is open and all oxygenated out so you can kill two birds with one stone.

The Blue Zoo said...

Love your button!

So your the poor white Oprah? Does that mean you'll give out Top Ramen instead of cars?

Moooooog35 said...

Really?

I'm in really good shape at 41. Quite the specimen, actually.

Hope it helps!

JennyMac said...

Sweet rhyming skills aside...haha..

I dont picture you a poor white Oprah at all! lol.

Aleta said...

PLEASE - keep blogging about this - inspiration - much needed!!!

Pat said...

I need inspiration, too. Although men lose weight faster, then women, dirty rat bastards!!

BlogCatalog

Humor & Funny Blogs - BlogCatalog Blog Directory