Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Canada & The Winter Olympics = A Monkey Having Sex With A Football

Canada & The Winter Olympics Is Like A Monkey Having Sex With A Football.

Let me start by saying…I LOVE THE OLYMPICS!

Normally.

Yes, the Olympic Spirit.

The whole world coming together.

The competition.

The pride in one’s country (USA, USA, USA!)

Even the sappy made for TV backstories.

And since I never get to travel, I also enjoy seeing documentorial footage on the host countries (Canada Has Polar Bears? Who Knew?).

But Seriously, COME ON CANADA!

I mean, I expect you to screw up BACON.

But if anybody was going to eff up the WINTER Olympics, I would have never thought it would have been YOU.

Summer Olympics? YES.

Winter Olympics? Get the eff outta here!

And yet…

First, your cauldron thingy doesn’t work when it’s being lit, so it ends up looking like a three-legged dog.

Then, you kill a luger with your “super fast” track. Nice Canada. Real Classy.

Not to mention all the delays and crap.

Most importantly, WHERE IS ALL YOUR SNOW?!?!?!

The one thing you can be counted on to provide, (besides native Hockey players & funny dressed cops on horses) and you eff that up!

Seriously.

You guys can’t even make that shit right.

You got guys out there filling in the holes on the courses with straw.

STRAW!

EFFING STRAW!!!!

Because straw equals snow in retarded Canada.

Then, the snow that you trucked in starts melting. There's just torrents of water running down the hillside.

Now the Snowboardcross racing looks like a surfing contest at Waikiki, minus the hot chicks.

You know who you should ask for help?

Arizona.

They got tons of the white stuff, and I’m not talking Columbian.

The snow thing would be bad enough in and of itself.

BUT,

The freaking speedskating was delayed because the rink ice had turned into a melty slushy mess.

IT’S AN INDOOR RINK!

Hell, even Florida can keep ice frozen indoors.

And they have trouble punching holes in paper down there.

You know who’s fault all this is, don’t you?

You know who Canada should be pissed at?!

Al Gore!

Him and his global warming.

Thanks for screwing up our Olympics, CANADA and Al Gore!



P.S. Is it just me, or is finding a straight mens figure skater like finding the lost city of Atlantis?

P.S.S. When I said Canada was retarded, I meant no offense, and was just speaking literally.

P.S.S.S. Al Gore sounds like Ass Whore, if you squint while saying it.

P.S.IV. <--roman numerials

P.S.V. Curling is like bowling for lazy people who don't have balls. Hahahahahaha

39 comments:

Travis said...

Oh Canada.

Polar bears and slushy ice.

Deer and deathly luge tracks. Free health care couldn't save that poor bastard.

God save the Queen.

You see what I did there? I rewrote the national anthem for them.

Tony said...

When I heard that the Winter Olympics were in Canada, I said, "guess who's not watching the Winter Olympics?" Then I answered my own question, and said, "Me."

Life Laugh Latte said...

Wow...you are the first blog I'm reading today...funny way to wake up. It's actually quite a lot for my brain to digest in its sleepy state. But, I'll hand it to you...I laughed hard! Holly:)

MJenks said...

Can't they patch the holes with something other than straw? Like Sasquatch shit or something?

BigSis said...

Love the post. And, by the way, the snow that should be in Canada ended up in Virginia. They can have it back anytime as far as I'm concerned.

BeckEye said...

I haven't been watching much of it, which is kind of strange since I normally like the Winter Olympics. But I saw some sort of snowboard race last night, which kind of freaked me out. I didn't know that was even a competition.

Momma Fargo said...

I'm totally on board with the Al Gore...Ass Whore thingy.

hotpants™ said...

I heart the Olympics. I also heart Canada. And do we have the gayest of the gay figure skaters this year or what?!

The Princess of Sarcasm said...

Your PS's are cracking me up.

"Just speaking literally."

"if you squint while saying it."

"roman numerals."

I also liked "even Florida can keep ice frozen indoors."

You should get a side job as a humor columnist. You know, so you would actually be working at your government job....though it would be for someone else....

Pardon me. I must go sign your paycheck...I mean pay my taxes. ;)

Tgoette said...

What a disappointment this Olympics has been! Oh Canada, what the hell is wrong with you and your weather? Normally you have 4 seasons: Almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction. So what's the deal?

Way to go Canada and Al Gore and the Olympics Committee. You really stepped in it this time!

The Blue Zoo said...

All the P.S.'s were cracking me up!

I havent been watching the Olympics, so thanks for the updates. =)

kate said...

We were watching some of the men's figure skating at a bar last night...one of my friends insisted that the next guy to skate was straight - and then he came out in a sparkly unitard with ruffly sleeves. I think that arguement settled itself.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

All our effing snow is down in 49 of the United States because you stole it, fool! Seriously though, Vancouver is not really known for snow. It's too warm and wet. Winnipeg, that's where you get snow. We have snow, oh yes. Vancouver's always like this. It's not surprising.

As for the big cauldron thingie, who the hell cares if a leg didn't come out? It's not like anyone would have known anyway if they hadn't mentioned it. I mean what IS that thing? Looks like an apocalyptic cityscape.

Apart from that this Olympics is the best so you all can just bite me. 5,000 people flew down that luge without incident, but one feisty, miscalculating little Georgian and it's all up in smoke and everyone's being a pansy.

Anyway Canadians know what the Olympics are really about - getting ripped in the apres ski lodge and being loud and friendly. HI!

Monique-aka-Surferwife23 said...

Oh man. If I were a Canadian, I would march my happy ass over to you and backhand you a few times.

But I'm not. So I wont. And I will giggle to myself knowing this is finally you dealing with your gaping wound the Colts left you with.

Jules said...

I just love Canada and their slushy ice..... Don't you feel bad for them??? Come on, you know you do!

Coffeypot said...

Who woulda thunk it? I don't ever watch that stuff because it is not real nor does it mean anything. I worked the Atlanta Olympics and I saw first hand the hatred between countries when they weren’t on camera. So thanks for the update. Even more glad I'm not watching it. The Hosers!

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

I am going to do a whole post on those femmy dude ice skaters...seriously...that's a SPORT???

Hissyfits & Halos said...

Didn't you once say you were a men's figure skating champion????

I coulda sworn......

Meagan@Megs7827 said...

I'm half Canadian so I'll slap you for Monique! You are generalizing the WHOLE country! That is pretty bad. That is like people in other countries thinking we all talk like George W. But I like being half Canadian and like Canadian jokes, so I liked this blog. Plus I have to give you the can't keep an indoor rinks ice hard. That is bad. Oh and the killing the luge guy that was bad too. Probably going to be awhile before Canada gets to host olympics again, huh? I am also commenting from home cause work won't let me read your page and hoping you will come back to my page or is all the wedding pictures boring you?

Daffy said...

Wait, someone died? What?

Kiera said...

aw poor canada.

i like all your PSs. so funny.

LC Aggie Sith said...

Found you by way of The Bloggess, and am I glad I did :)

Great post....actually, all the ones I read were!

Jay Ferris said...

Those guys are a complete mess up there. I think they only managed to get into the UN on a dare.

Just Another Momma said...

Can't stop laughing. Your curling comment just about killed me.

ScoMan said...

I think Australia would be excused for holding a poor Winter Olympics, but then we'd never be invited to do it because we'd be expected to make a mess of it.

I say we form a mob and go bash Al Gore.. who's with me?!

Moooooog35 said...

I did the math and I've come to the conclusion that if you hate the winter olympics, then you hate monkeys having sex with a football.

It's like I don't even know who you are anymore.

Tricia said...

BAHAHAHA.

This is the best stuff you've written in a while . . . loved it!

Terry said...

Snow = Straw? Who knew??
This was hilarious...thank you...oh, I just found you thru Batcrap Crazy...
Gonna have to send her a gift or something!
Thanks for the laugh...I'll be back!

adrienzgirl said...

Polar bears and slushy ice? I had no idea that Canada invented ICEE!

It snowed in 50 of the United States last week. YES ALL 5-0. And Canada has no snow? There is something wrong with that picture.

VKT said...

You are a hoot.

The Office Scribe said...

Chicago was up for the summer games in 2016 and lost to Brazil. One of the man reasons was they didn't think would could provide them with adequate venues. I say they give us the Winter games in 2014 (instead of where the hell Russia) since we are guarenteed to always have snow and I bet we could use Wisconsin for skiing. And cheese.

The Only Girl said...

As a Canadian, I suddenly feel the need to apologize. Because we're polite like that. But I'm not going to. Instead I'm going to grab a beer and go watch the Canada vs USA men's hockey game. And hope we kick some butt!

Aleta said...

OMG, I haven't kept up with the Olympics. What little I watched on TV, I wasn't impressed with.

Thanks for letting me know that I didn't miss much. Lol.

Tamara aka Cheapskate Mom said...

LOL @ all the PS's! You crack me up, Mr. Ed! I still love Canada though, thanks to Michael Moore.

Crystal said...

I'm awesome.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Aw, I want to give Vancouver a big hug. And maybe I'll cop a feel while I'm there. Those Swedish curler girls are stacked.

Pat said...

Some of my best friends are Canadian so I won't tell them what you said. But your p.s.'s were damn funny, eh?

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Anonymous said...

Absolutely hilarious

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