Me: “Only 2 more weeks boys.”
My Vas Deferens*: “Are you seriously still going through with it?”
Me: “Yeah. Appointment is all made.”
My Vas Deferens*: “We thought that was just some BS you were playing to get the wife off your back.”
Me: “Nope. I’m a man of my word. I’m taking one for the team. Just look at this two weeks as your Farewell Tour.”
My Vas Deferens*: “Come on, dude! Haven’t we always served you well? Gave you 4 kids, that you know of,didn’t we?”
Me: “Beg all you want, but the clock is ticking, then it’s adios.”
My Vas Deferens*: “Bastard!”
Me: “Sorry fellas. I just don’t need you anymore.”
My Vas Deferens*: “So that just gives you the right to toss us out like an old piece of meat.”
Me: “Well, technically…”
My Vas Deferens*: “We’re not going without a fight! Prepare for the hurt locker!”
*(I originally shortened My Vas Deferens to My VD…..During editing I realized that could cause confusion and possibly divorce.)
Since it’s Fatherhood Friday over on Dad Blogs, I thought I’d share some of my kid stories.
My little baby girl is the proverbial apple of my eye. No matter what kind of mood I’m in, when I see her, I light up instantly.
Thankfully, the feelings are pretty mutual.
She is almost always the first to greet me when I come home, and she will occasionally wrap herself around my legs when I’m about to leave.
My wife says she likes looking at my picture (which is completely understandable since I am so ruggedly handsome, kind of like a lawn gnome) whenever I’m gone and exclaiming “DADDA! DADDA!”
Often, even when I am with her, she will see a picture of some guy and gasp “DADDA!”
Usually, I’ll correct her and say, “No, that’s Ronald McDonald……….I’M Dadda!”
Or “No, That’s Rush Limbaugh……I’m Dadda!”
Or even “No, That’s Ellen DeGeneres….I’m Dadda!”
But last night, she was looking through my wife’s AVON catalog, and gasp “Dadda!”
I looked down to see her pointing at a picture of that Dr. McDreamy dude from Grey’s Anatomy.
Well, it’s not healthy to ALWAYS correct a child, now is it?
“Yes baby, that’s me!”
Last night, we went and picked out our live Christmas tree.
On the way back, we stopped to eat at Wendy’s.
When we got out, the 10 y/o said something about the 5 y/o’s Christmas Tree drawing blowing away.
Later, we get back in to go home and the wife decides we need to stop at Walgreens for milk.
Meanwhile, the boys are arguing about something in the backseat.
I head across the street to Walgreens and let the wife out. The 5 yr old is wailing by this time.
I’m like, “What are you WHINING about?!” (because I’m nothing if not sympathetic to my children’s emotional needs.)
He says, “My Christmas Tree Picture fell out of the truck and blew away!”
Then the 10 yr old helpfully adds, “I saw it land in a puddle!”
5 yr old wails…….
I say, “Well, just make a new one.”
He says, “I CAN’T! ….IT TOOK ME A LONG TIME TO MAKE THAT…..I SPENT LIKE TEN WHOLE SECONDS ON IT!”
Trying to again be helpful, the 10 yr old says, “Turn on the light and I’ll look to make sure that it’s not still in here.”
A little later…..
The 10 yr old says, “I don’t see it, but I did find your To-Do List, Sam!”
The 5 yr old loves To-Do lists. He is constantly making to-do lists.
That still doesn’t work, he’s all “Oh no! That was my best picture EVER!”
Finally, I say, “Well, just put on your To-Do List…’Make New Christmas Tree Picture’”