Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Tuesday Quickies

My anniversary is coming up.

It will be 13 years of slow death marital bliss on the 8th of November. (I’m writing this to remind myself)

I’ve been trying to think of what to get my wife.

She deserves some kind of medal.

Unfortunately, I don’t have much money to spend.

See, I’m on an allowance of $20 a week.After beer hookers Juggs Magazine Subscription heroin church tithes necessities, there just isn’t much left.

I thought about just making her a medal out of one of my leftover Chuck-E-Cheese tokens.

Then, I realized, she already has ME!

What more could a girl need?

What else could I possibly get the woman who has everything?

*She used to drop hints….like……”I hate you”…..or …..”I want a Divorce”…..or……”I wish you were dead”…………or…………”How about taking a bath once in awhile?”

I know all that is just her way of saying “I love you”.

Yep. I married the love of my life.

It’s just like O.J. said to Nicole, “Does this feel sharp?”


*I’m totally joking. She never said the first 3 of those quotes(to my face). The last quote is a daily anthem.*



My youngest son wrote out a “to-do-list”.

Whatever that is.

He’s 5.

It had about 20 things on it.

“Die” was in the middle of the list.

I’m not a “list” expert, but his order seemed a little odd.

He did have death listed before “get married” and “have kids”, so maybe he knows something I don’t.


My oldest son, 10 going on 16, had some artwork chosen for a PTO fundraiser.

They put the kids’ artwork on T-shirts, coffee mugs, calendars, and other overpriced junk in hopes that parents will snatch it up like fake green cards at the border.

Originally, he drew a sweet red sun.

It had a skeleton.

Because everybody knows stellar giants are nothing without a good skeletal support system.

Unfortunately, the art teacher felt it was a little too Columbine, and asked him to redo it.

He drew an ocean scene instead.

It’s cool.

But I had my heart set on a red sun skeleton T-shirt.

15 comments:

adrienzgirl said...

That's what is wrong with education. Stifling creativity. However you might want to make sure you have all your guns(that I know your Republican ass has lying around the house) put up.

Your wife is a total saint and you better do something nice for her, cause really who else is going to put up with you?

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Maybe there is something to this "stifling creativity" thing that everyone is heralding.

At least she didn't give you the old "When you're inside me, I feel nothing" like my wife says twice a year.

Secret Agent K said...

Ed-

I truly enjoy your usage of "quotes" beccause I myself am a fan of "quotes"

Happy "Anniversary" totally uncalled for quotes but I felt it appropriate =)

Secret Agent K said...

PS: Travis said you can kiss his ass...

Just relayin the message

carissajaded said...

Well happy almost anniversary to you!

My lists are kind of like your sons I fear. I just write em as I think of em, not in the order I'm going to do them. Im also the type of person that skips around on a crossword puzzle. Not sure what any of that means.

Daffy said...

13 years...wow...do you drug her? Have some incredibly maniacle blackmail material on her?

I almost don't believe you're on a $20 a week allowance except that so is my hubs! If you were a great hubbers you would've been saving that $20 a week for the last 6 months so you could buy some bling or something. the 25cent ring from the gumball machine doesn't count....

Travis said...

Special K is a total doucher! Who rats people out like that!!!

Ed, for the record, I did say you can kiss my ass. But only in a romantic way, and we both know it.

I would by a red sun skeleton t shirt, and that's real.

You're allowance is about $20 bucks higher than mine. Thanks for reminding me.

Moooooog35 said...

I had my 14th anniversary last week.

Why are you worried about getting her something? At this point, severe apathy should have set in by now.

You may not be doing it right.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Those damn teachers quoshing creativity! :) Maybe a skeletal red sun was a serial killer marker? :)

Charisse and Holly said...

Are you sure your son meant to write DIE, it could have been Bie. A common mispelled word for a 5 year old. So, it was probably something like BIE (buy) Mom a nice gift for her anniversary cuz you know Dad won't.
Happy Anniversary, just remember to take a shower that day.
Charisse at lifelaughlatte.blogspot.com

Coffeypot said...

I agree, why get her anything. She alread controlls ALL the coochie and most of the money...what else does she need besides your soul?

Secretia said...

How our lists change over time.

kys said...

Happy Anniversary to your sainted wife! And you, too.

ScoMan said...

A red sun skeleton tshirt would make the perfect anniversary gift. Unfortunately now that's out I have no other suggestions.

Laszlo Brown said...

Maybe he meant die in the Shakespearean sense, like "little deaths" or "la petite mort." The order would make more sense that way.

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