Thursday, November 5, 2009

TMI Thursday: NOT!

I don’t have a TMI post today.

Actually, I’ve got a doozy, but I’m saving it for when I hit 100 followers. (Which may be awhile since I just lost one yesterday)

Instead, I’ve decided to tell a story.


(Some of this may be true, but I have no idea what as I’m just now writing it. Most will probably be lies though, since that is what I’m best at.)

Year: 1994

Age: 19 (1/2)

Location: Memphis, TN

My Status: Navy Hospital Corpsmen attached to Naval Hospital Millington

The story:

This is a story about me and my buddy, Todd. I had only been at Millington for about 6 months, and Todd worked with me in the Pediatrics Clinic. We spent our days taking care of military dependent children, and our nights partying. Usually at someone’s apartment.

I had figured out how to forge adjust my military I.D. so it said I was actually 23. See, it was the old type I.D., that was typed on a paper card with a picture attached and was then laminated. When they typed the 1974 for my date of birth, the crossbar of the four fell right on the line of the “date of birth” box. So it basically looked like 19711. I just took a ball point pen, connected the top & bottom lines of the four, and made it a zero. WALLA! 1970! However, I rarely needed this, as most places didn’t even check. If you showed them military I.D., they just waved you in, often without even paying the cover charge.

Todd was 22 and had just been through a messy divorce. He decided he wanted to go downtown to some clubs and celebrate. I had no car, so Todd drove. He had a sweet ride. It was a brand new Nissan 240z or something. Anyway, off we went.

We started at this place called Illusions. We drank. We danced. We had a good time. Eventually, we got bored and needed a change of scenery. Todd decided we should go to another club called 616. We stopped and got some beers for the road, since Tennessee didn’t have an open container law at the time. We started heading through downtown on US 40 (I think), when we realized we didn’t know how to get to 616.

I suggested we pull over to ask directions. (I know that sounds like a lie, since I’m a guy, but we were drunk, and therefore thinking reasonably.) About that same time, we are rapidly approaching a convenience store. I say rapidly, cause Todd was doing about 80 mph. Todd decided asking for directions was a good idea, but braking wasn’t.

As we were in the inside lane of the three, and the convenience store was on the right, he yanked hard on the wheel and cut across the other two lanes, ramped the curb, and came to a stop inches from the door. Thankful that we didn’t flipped and were still alive, I reached for the door handle, only to see flashing lights behind us.


Cops approach on each side, guns drawn. Todd rolls down his window and says, “What’s the problem, Officers?”

The cops start laughing.

About that time, 2 more pull up. They ask us to step out. I put down my open 40oz, and slowly got out.

Evidently, they were training a rookie cop, because when they took Todd back behind the car to do a field sobriety test, the main cop kept telling the young one, “Watch his eyes. See how they move all jittery when trying to follow the light? That’s how you know when someone is fucked up.”

They did the walk the line, the alphabet forwards and backwards, and the stand on one leg with head back- arms out and alternately touching fingertips to nose tests. I was still standing beside the car with the cop that came to my side. He totally checked my Military I.D. and didn’t notice the fake.

Finally, they said this:

“Okay boys. We all know how much shit you guys will be in, if we take you in and report your arrest to the base. So here’s what we’re going to do. You see that Krystal’s next door? You’re going to go over there and fill your stomachs with those gutbombs and hope it absorbs the alcohol. (It was open all night) You stay there till you’re sober. If we see your car gone when we come back by, we’re putting out an APB. If we catch you on the road again tonight, you’re going to jail. Also, if you hit any of these police cars when pulling over there, you’re going to jail. Do you understand?”

We were like, “Yes Sir! Thank you very much!”

Todd carefully pulled over to Krystals, we went in, and ordered some sliders. The cops waited until we were seated in a booth, then they pulled out. After we ate, (about 5 minutes after the cops left)Todd said, “You ready?” I said, “Yeah, but we should probably skip 616 and just head back to base.”

That’s exactly what we did.

I’ll be back tomorrow with something funny.


Travis said...

You really liked the booze, eh?

I wish more cops were cool. Although, that was back in the day, when they were allowed to beat the dog shit out of people and not get sued.

I think knowing that makes a person cooler.

Daffy said...

Damn, you're old....

It was nice you got a Get Out Of Jail Free card that one time...

I don't drink and drive because that's LAME but I do occassionally exceed the speed limit. Cops like me cause I'm Duckalicious so I never get tickets...

Captain Dumbass said...

Good thing they had a sense of humour.

Ed Adams said...

Travis: There was a time and a place for everything. I was a sailor. I was young. I had more money than I'd ever had in my life. Yes, I partaked. Now, not so much. Although, I am Presbyterian, which is practically Catholic, so what the hey!

Daffy: 34 is the new 20, no? I don't drink and drive anymore. That was when I was young and stupid. Now, I'm just stupid. I rarely drink anymore. I still drive though. Just not while drinking.

Capt.D-ass: Yeah, they were a bunch of Gems. Definitely let us off easy.

Coffeypot said...

If Daffy thinks you are old, I don’t even want to hear what she thinks of me.

But your liberty sounds similar to my drunk-ass 18 year old liberty’s. It was mostly a 2 year drunk except when at sea.

How’s this, Miss Daffy, I was sitting in front of a radar scope in route and two days out of Yokosuka, Japan, when we received word that Kennedy had been assassinated.

Old, I tell ya. So old I remember when Moby Dick was a guppy (I was disappointed when I read that book because I thought is was my autobiography.)

adrienzgirl said...

I'm not telling my drunk stories, evah! No way! I did used to have a saying, a motto if you will though, Dr. Dr. DH. Don't remember, Dt on't recall, DIDN'T HAPPEN!

Friends: You wanna know what you did last night?
ME: Nope.
Friends: Can I just tell you this one part?
ME: There's a reason I've chosen to block it out.
Friends: Please?
ME: Dr. Dr. DH

ScoMan said...

I just realized I hadn't hit follow on your blog. And now I have (even though I'm a bit over TMI Thursday and shouldn't be encouraging that sort of behavior)

That story had me laughing. I hope most of it was true. It reminds me a bit of a guy I went to Uni with.

He got pulled over by the cops one day and they said he wasn't allowed to drive home. They left, he drove home.

They came knocking on his door the next morning and said they'd driven past 10 minutes later and his car was gone, so they were charging him.

He said "My mate lived just up the road so I pushed the car to his driveway and then got a tow truck from there and if you fuckers wake my sister up at 7 in the morning again I'll report you both for harassment" and slammed the door shut.

Of course, I'm not sure how much of that is true. I wasn't there.

Kristine said...

Something similar happened to me once, but I actually called my Dad to drive my friend and I home.
I think this makes me the better person, in case you were curious.

Ed Adams said...

coffeypot: Daffy's a peach. She's got a soft squishy layer covered in fuzz that hides the real nut inside.
"I was disappointed when I read that book because I thought is was my autobiography"....CLASSIC!

adrienzgirl: You know. No one ever gets that drunk. People like to claim they were too drunk to remember, but that's a lie. If you ever got drunk enough to NOT remember, then you were passed out, which is why you don't remember.

ScoMan: Thanks for the follow (finally) Good story too, although I'm sure he was lying.

Ed Adams said...

kristine: That's very responsible of you. Thanks for pointing out how much better you are than me. It's good to keep my ego in check.

Stacie's Madness said...

I had a fantasy about being in handcuffs...then I was arrested, no more fantasy. Cops fuck everything up. *rolls eyes*


Sebastian said...

Aw, cute story :)

I have often thought about joining some kind of national force, be it the army or intelligence or... anything like that really.

Can only begin to imagine the camaraderie from being in a group whose mission is to look after its homeland.

MLee said...

I remember, I just do not repeat. However, my dear hubby loves to tell tall tales of when I was younger. Thank God he cannot figure out how to blog :)

kys said...

Are you sure they didn't make you squeal like a pig before letting you go?

Moooooog35 said...

I have a similar drunk story but I blacked out and don't remember any of it.

So I guess this comment was a complete waste of time.

Kris said...

The craziest part for me was your friend was 22 and going through a divorce. HOLY CRAP!

prashant said...

Good thing they had a sense of humour. Work From Home


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