Actually, I’ve got a doozy, but I’m saving it for when I hit 100 followers. (Which may be awhile since I just lost one yesterday)
Instead, I’ve decided to tell a story.
(Some of this may be true, but I have no idea what as I’m just now writing it. Most will probably be lies though, since that is what I’m best at.)
Age: 19 (1/2)
Location: Memphis, TN
My Status: Navy Hospital Corpsmen attached to Naval Hospital Millington
This is a story about me and my buddy, Todd. I had only been at Millington for about 6 months, and Todd worked with me in the Pediatrics Clinic. We spent our days taking care of military dependent children, and our nights partying. Usually at someone’s apartment.
I had figured out how to
Todd was 22 and had just been through a messy divorce. He decided he wanted to go downtown to some clubs and celebrate. I had no car, so Todd drove. He had a sweet ride. It was a brand new Nissan 240z or something. Anyway, off we went.
We started at this place called Illusions. We drank. We danced. We had a good time. Eventually, we got bored and needed a change of scenery. Todd decided we should go to another club called 616. We stopped and got some beers for the road, since Tennessee didn’t have an open container law at the time. We started heading through downtown on US 40 (I think), when we realized we didn’t know how to get to 616.
I suggested we pull over to ask directions. (I know that sounds like a lie, since I’m a guy, but we were drunk, and therefore thinking reasonably.) About that same time, we are rapidly approaching a convenience store. I say rapidly, cause Todd was doing about 80 mph. Todd decided asking for directions was a good idea, but braking wasn’t.
As we were in the inside lane of the three, and the convenience store was on the right, he yanked hard on the wheel and cut across the other two lanes, ramped the curb, and came to a stop inches from the door. Thankful that we didn’t flipped and were still alive, I reached for the door handle, only to see flashing lights behind us.
Cops approach on each side, guns drawn. Todd rolls down his window and says, “What’s the problem, Officers?”
The cops start laughing.
About that time, 2 more pull up. They ask us to step out. I put down my open 40oz, and slowly got out.
Evidently, they were training a rookie cop, because when they took Todd back behind the car to do a field sobriety test, the main cop kept telling the young one, “Watch his eyes. See how they move all jittery when trying to follow the light? That’s how you know when someone is fucked up.”
They did the walk the line, the alphabet forwards and backwards, and the stand on one leg with head back- arms out and alternately touching fingertips to nose tests. I was still standing beside the car with the cop that came to my side. He totally checked my Military I.D. and didn’t notice the fake.
Finally, they said this:
“Okay boys. We all know how much shit you guys will be in, if we take you in and report your arrest to the base. So here’s what we’re going to do. You see that Krystal’s next door? You’re going to go over there and fill your stomachs with those gutbombs and hope it absorbs the alcohol. (It was open all night) You stay there till you’re sober. If we see your car gone when we come back by, we’re putting out an APB. If we catch you on the road again tonight, you’re going to jail. Also, if you hit any of these police cars when pulling over there, you’re going to jail. Do you understand?”
We were like, “Yes Sir! Thank you very much!”
Todd carefully pulled over to Krystals, we went in, and ordered some sliders. The cops waited until we were seated in a booth, then they pulled out. After we ate, (about 5 minutes after the cops left)Todd said, “You ready?” I said, “Yeah, but we should probably skip 616 and just head back to base.”
That’s exactly what we did.
I’ll be back tomorrow with something funny.