Monday, November 9, 2009

Monday Memoirs: My sweet new shorts

Travis says Mondays are for stories.



Here goes:

I take you back to the scene of one of my most traumatic social fashion fopas.
It was sixth grade year.
Bermuda shorts were all the rage.
Remember those?
Flowery beach shorts that went knee length.
In fact, on this particular day in question, everybody who was anybody (or just people who wanted to be SOMEBODY, like myself), were supposed to wear their Bermuda shorts to school.

Unfortunately, I didn’t own any Bermuda shorts. My parents weren’t rich enough to afford such luxuries.
It was considered a blessing, if I was able to have a new pair of Pro Wings for the first day of school.
This year, my Pro Wings were all black. (This was back when the only people besides Pro Basketball players wearing black shoes were policemen.)

However, my loving mother was sympathetic to my plight.
I had explained to her the absolute necessity for me to show up to school wearing said style shorts.
She found it in her heart to make a last minute dash to the store, in hopes of saving my social standing.

I am pretty sure she sold a kidney on the way, in order to get the funds.

Turns out, there had evidently been a rush on Bermuda shorts.
The store only had one style left. (NOW, the reason for this seems obvious).

She came back with her find, triumphant that the mission had been a success.
I, naively thankful just to have a pair of shorts to wear, never gave it much thought.
I proudly put on my new shorts, and headed off to school, sure I was destined to fit in.
My only concern was that they didn’t seem to go with my black shoes.

I have kindly taken the liberty…

**YES, VIRGINIA! THEY DID HAVE PURPLE AND WHITE VERTICAL STRIPES**

Immediately upon entering the building, I began getting heckled and harassed.

“Nice shorts, BOZO!”
“What are you wearing?”
“Where can I get some clown pants like that?”

I was devastated. I was a social pariah. I wanted to cry.

I had to make it stop!

One of my good friends, and one of the only people not making fun of me, let me borrow a pair of grey sweatpants he had in his locker.
Unfortunately, all this did was create a mystery for the kids who had heard about my shorts, but hadn’t seen them for themselves.

“What happen to yours shorts?”

“Why’d you change out of your clown pants?”

“Why are you wearing sweatpants that say 'Juicy' on the butt?”

Ok, that last one was a lie.
They didn’t have those back then.

But the shorts were real.
And they never saw the light of day again.

My mom’s poor kidney.

18 comments:

Travis said...

Dude. If they would have had the "Juicy" sweatpants when I was in school, I would have rocked those bishes.

I feel your pain though. I had Hammer pants made by my mother.

I really think I was gay.

adrienzgirl said...

Ah...what kids won't do to fit in. AND, moms will do whatever they can to save their little ones from the trauma of being ostracized!

I'm pretty sure my inheritance bought me some Nikes, parachute pants and izod polos!

Lily said...

For me, it was Converse sneakers.

My poor parents, lacking the funds, convinced me to buy a "generic" pair.
Unfortunatley, kids - especially pre-teen girls - can sniff out a fake a mile away.

It was a rough start to the schoolyear, I can tell you.

Luckily, they're all fat pieces of trailor trash now, so I got the last laugh, but still. I'm traumatized.

Daffy said...

Better Bermuda shorts than those tiny running shorts some men feel compelled to wear.

Purple is manly...NOT

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

For a second, I was afraid they were going to be compression shorts or not long enough to keep Little Ed hidden away and you walked around all day with your scrote exposed.

Phew!

Thankfully it was just clown pants.

Moooooog35 said...

I hate to break it to you, but the only place Bermuda shorts were in style may or may not have actually been Bermuda.

Now...white pants and teal green tank tops on the other hand...

ScoMan said...

I don't know what Bermuda shorts are.. or were.. but I do know I like purple and I like white and I like stripes. I bet your shorts rocked.

Eva Gallant said...

That is so funny and so sad! We all tried so hard to fit in back then--so unnecessary!

The Mother said...

This, unfortunately, didn't stop with your generation.

I'm really tired of trying to find skinny jeans that fit a 15 yo MALE.

Secretia said...

I got sent to grade school wearing some embarrassing stuff.

prashant said...

what kids won't do to fit in. AND, moms will do whatever they can to save their little ones from the trauma of being ostracized! Work From Home

Coffeypot said...

As a kid I was so skinny I look like I had just came out of a 10 year stint in Dachau. On Bermuda Shorts day the football team (which I as a proud bench warmer) wore solid blue shorts with our blue and white football jerseys. I was the only guy there who’s legs sticking out of the shorts looked like a wind-depleted sail sagging around the mast. I took a great deal of kidding. But I got the last laugh because the girls felt sorry for me and wanted to dance and flirt and ignore the other dudes. I have no pride. I’ll take it where, when and how ever I can.

Homemaker Man said...

Hello. Good and funny blog. Found you through I'm not benny. For me, it was parachute pants. When I finally got a pair, they were from my grandparents and they were mustard yellow. Even my teachers commented. "Those are some pants . . . "

Tamara aka Cheapskate Mom said...

You know - nowadays boys can wear purple and pink and no one would even look twice at them.

Sucks that wasn't the case for you!

Your poor mother. I am so glad you at least wore them to school. She would have been sad to have went to all that effort to have you refuse to wear them! What a nice son you are!

Secret Agent K said...

I had some of those shorts, but they were yello, and had penguins, surfing. Yep. and I was a short fat kid so I'll go ahead and let you have your own visual on that stylin look

Oh and I wore them with a yellow Bon Jovi tee shirt....

How's that visual workin out for you?

SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB said...

your most serious faux pas was spelling faux pas --- fopas

damn govt workers

Sebastian said...

Beautifully standard for a MS Paint drawing...!

I have lots of embarrassing school stories to tell. Thanks to you, I might actually have the courage to start telling them... maybe.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Well I think your girlie purple striped shorts were lovely. I mean I'd wear them!

OK, on reflection I get what you're saying...

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