I wish I had a pet monkey.
I’ve always wanted one.
Maybe that’s why I wanted kids.
They suck as monkeys.
Except for the eating bananas and throwing their poop everywhere part.
They own that.
Seriously, wouldn’t a pet monkey be wicked cool.
Not one of those mean ones that tear peoples’ faces off, like that one in Connecticut, or where ever.
Remember that one?
Went all crazy on that lady’s friend up there in New England.
That little monkey tried eating that ladies face for real.
What was its name, Moooooog35 or something?
I’d want one that sits on my shoulder and fetches me stuff, like Jack in Pirates of the Caribbean.
But without the whole “living dead” part.
That way, if I got tired of it, I could easily kill it.
Clint Eastwood had a cool monkey.
“Right turn Clyde!”
He’d be punching out bikers, getting in fights, and just making good times.
With a monkey like that, you rule.
Nobody wants to fight a monkey.
1) cause you look like an idiot fighting a monkey.
B) they would kick your ass. And pull your arms off for fun.
Michael Jackson had a monkey.
He named it Bubbles.
It was probably gay.
Only gay monkeys have stripper names.
Sometimes you see a monkey wearing a diaper.
That’s just lazy.
Teach that monkey to use the toilet.
Don’t be lazy.
Sometimes people put clothes on their monkey.
That always makes me laugh.
You think that monkey likes wearing human clothes?
Those are the same people that buy clothes for their dogs.
Speaking of which, I saw a Pet Snuggie at CVS the other day. WTF!
I wouldn’t have one on a leash though.
That’s just mean.
It’s much better just to hold them by their tail.
It’s more natural that way.
I wish my kids had a tail.
If I had a monkey, I’d teach it cool tricks.
“Fetch me the remote, Monkey.”
“Tie my shoes, Monkey.”
“Solve the middle-east peace problem, Monkey!”
“Take this camera in the girls’ locker room, Monkey”
If it disobeyed me, I’d spank it.
And since it’s Halloween, I’d take that little swinger trick-o-treatin’.
Monkey = best costume EVER
“Wow! That’s a very realistic costume you got there, little guy.”
Curious George is one of my all-time favorites.
Although, that man in yellow hat should have spanked that monkey a long time ago.
You know those monkeys are good workers too.
What’s that saying, “Monkey see, monkey do.”
He’d be seeing dishes and toilets and mops and dust at my house.
“GET THE DO, MONKEY!”
Did you ever see the SNL skit, “Sprockets” with Mike Myers?
It was the German talk show.
Dieter was his characters name.
He had a sweet monkey.
He was always asking the guests, “Would you like to touch my monkey?”
They would always say yes.
Then he would say, “Touch him! Touch my monkey! Love him!”
Then they would dance.
Yep, I love me some monkeys. Except sea monkeys. I still hate them.