Friday, October 30, 2009

Friday Bonus

I wish I had a pet monkey.
I’ve always wanted one.
Maybe that’s why I wanted kids.
They suck as monkeys.
Except for the eating bananas and throwing their poop everywhere part.
They own that.

Seriously, wouldn’t a pet monkey be wicked cool.
Not one of those mean ones that tear peoples’ faces off, like that one in Connecticut, or where ever.
Remember that one?
Went all crazy on that lady’s friend up there in New England.
That little monkey tried eating that ladies face for real.
What was its name, Moooooog35 or something?

I’d want one that sits on my shoulder and fetches me stuff, like Jack in Pirates of the Caribbean.
But without the whole “living dead” part.
That way, if I got tired of it, I could easily kill it.

Clint Eastwood had a cool monkey.
“Right turn Clyde!”
He’d be punching out bikers, getting in fights, and just making good times.
With a monkey like that, you rule.
Nobody wants to fight a monkey.
1) cause you look like an idiot fighting a monkey.
B) they would kick your ass. And pull your arms off for fun.

Michael Jackson had a monkey.
He named it Bubbles.
It was probably gay.
Only gay monkeys have stripper names.

Sometimes you see a monkey wearing a diaper.
That’s just lazy.
Teach that monkey to use the toilet.
Don’t be lazy.

Sometimes people put clothes on their monkey.
That always makes me laugh.
You think that monkey likes wearing human clothes?
Those are the same people that buy clothes for their dogs.
Speaking of which, I saw a Pet Snuggie at CVS the other day. WTF!

I wouldn’t have one on a leash though.
That’s just mean.
It’s much better just to hold them by their tail.
It’s more natural that way.
I wish my kids had a tail.

If I had a monkey, I’d teach it cool tricks.
“Fetch me the remote, Monkey.”
“Tie my shoes, Monkey.”
“Solve the middle-east peace problem, Monkey!”
“Take this camera in the girls’ locker room, Monkey”

If it disobeyed me, I’d spank it.

And since it’s Halloween, I’d take that little swinger trick-o-treatin’.

Monkey = best costume EVER

“Wow! That’s a very realistic costume you got there, little guy.”

Curious George is one of my all-time favorites.
Although, that man in yellow hat should have spanked that monkey a long time ago.

You know those monkeys are good workers too.
What’s that saying, “Monkey see, monkey do.”
He’d be seeing dishes and toilets and mops and dust at my house.

Did you ever see the SNL skit, “Sprockets” with Mike Myers?
It was the German talk show.
Dieter was his characters name.
He had a sweet monkey.
He was always asking the guests, “Would you like to touch my monkey?”
They would always say yes.
Then he would say, “Touch him! Touch my monkey! Love him!”
Then they would dance.

Yep, I love me some monkeys. Except sea monkeys. I still hate them.


adrienzgirl said...

You could start a business, and name it Monkey. That would be cool.

Rod Stewart could sing your jingle for your Monkey business...

If you think I'm sexy
and you want my Monkey
C'mon baby let me know....

Alison said...

Yeah a monkey would be the coolest pet of all....when you are asked to do something you don't wanna do...."I can't I have a monkey on my back"

carissajaded said...

Michael Jacksons monkey wasn't gay by choice.

But I too want a monkey.

Aleta said...

Like Monkeys much? Wow.

And those poor sea monkeys.. Lol. They were fun when I was a little girl.

Daffy said...

we love curious george!

Good to know that monkeys with stripper names are gay. I'll remember that when we name our next one.

ScoMan said...

I have a friend who was always obsessed (and still is) with getting a pet monkey. He started watching Friends only because he heard Ross had a pet monkey, and he wanted to live vicariously through Ross.

I've always been more of a donkey man. That nickname doesn't hurt either.

Heather Leigh said...

"If it disobeys me, I'd spank it."

That's what she said.


CK Lunchbox said...

Did you see that Simpsons episode where Homer gets a helper monkey? "Pray for MoJo"

Coffeypot said...

You mentioned more than once about spanking your monkey. Yep! You are an ex-sailor.

Captain Dumbass said...

A little capucin monkey would be cool, but I think I'd like a big 800lb gorilla. I'd name him Pebbles and train him to kill on command.

Ah, wait. I was just joking about the killing bit. Heh heh. Really.

Anonymous said...

That was a stupendous work of art, my man. I mean I have never seen such an in-depth expose of the monkey world in all my life. It's like you're part monkey yourself, you're so clued in on monkey doings.

Although, Clyde was a chimpanzee. They get all up in your business if you call them monkeys. It's like when you call Puerto Ricans "Mexicans". They might poke your eye out and rightly so.

Ed Adams said...

adienzgirl: Monkey business. I like it.

Alison: As long as the monkey is present when you say that. Otherwise, it just sounds like you have a drug problem.

carrisjaded: Did Bubbles tell you it wasn't by choice, or are you just assuming he was born that way?

Aleta: Sea Monkey's are the Devil's henchmen.

Daffy: You own a stripper? Awesome!

ScoMan: Your friend has a serious monkey fetish and is most likely banned from the local zoo.

Heather Leigh: She said you'd like to spank my monkey?

CK: I missed that one. Damnit! By the way, what's up with the comments on your blog? You not taking feedback anymore?

Coffeypot: You speak with a knowledge of what I speak, my fellow squid.

Capt. Dumbass: Pebbles for an 800 lb Gorilla? Shouldn't it be Boulders. Surely an 800 lb Gorilla packs some serious stones.

Veggie Killer: Actually, Clyde was an orangutan. Bubbles and the face eater from Conneticut were Chimps. But like I told the wife when she tried to correct me, "They're Monkeys in my book, Damnit!"

Charisse and Holly said...

You start the monkey pet store, and I'll totally buy one. I'm all over that! I'm wondering how a monkey and a chihuahua would get along? Who would be dominate? Hmmm. Oh and by the way...I think my son has the hots for Hello Kitty. Am I delusional (I can't even spell that word). Happy Halloween...Holly at

Charisse and Holly said...

Come by Sunday...bling for you.

kys said...

No pet monkey for me. I'm scared of them. (Plus the last thing I need around here is more poo flinging.)


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