Wacky News Wednesday: Boobies & Rings

Russian scientists expect to meet aliens by 2031

Ha! NOT with THEIR space program.

Woman sprays police with breast milk

Some lady in Ohio got mad at police during a traffic stop. When they tried to remove her from the vehicle, she announced that she was a nursing mother, exposed her breasts, and squirted milk at one of the officers.

She was arrested for carrying WML’s.

Weapons of Mass Lactation.

Scantily dressed visitors must cover up to see Rikers inmates

No skimpy outfits for visitors to Rikers Island.

Scantily clad visitors are required to put on a drab XXL T-shirt before being admitted as visitors.

Turns out it was making the prison bitches jealous.

Botox and texting may not mix

Some 15 year old girl got Botox in her HANDS because she had sweaty palms. The sweat was interfering with her texting ability.

The botox blocked the nerve signals to the sweat glands in her hands.

It also blocked the nerve signals to her texting fingers.

She couldn’t text for 6 weeks.

Irony.

North Korea blame loss to U.S. on players getting struck by lightning

Not surprising. They ARE the land of excuses and tiny dictators.

Wrongly pronounced dead woman dies of shock at own funeral

Some lady in Russia was pronounced dead from a heart attack, only to wake up in a coffin surrounded by mourners at her funeral.

She freaked out, had another heart attack, and died.

Her husband said, “This time, she’s dead for good.” He sounds so distraught.

If death don’t kill you, the funeral will.

Ring turns up 51 years after was flushed down toilet

This was actually a cute story.

From South Carolina, a guy who graduated in 1962 was reunited with his class ring.

He had given it to his girlfriend at the time, who accidentally dropped it in her toilet mid-flush.

She panicked and had her dad call a plumber, who removed the toilet and snaked the drain, only to pronounce the ring a “goner”.

Recently, a city worker fixing a busted storm drain found the ring, took it to a jeweler, got the ring cleaned, and tracked down the old dude it belonged to.

The best part?

The old guy gave the ring back to the girl who had flushed it.

She’s been his wife since 1964.

Next Time, They ALL THREE Are Going To Camp!!!

In case you missed it, my oldest was at Junior High Challenge camp last week.  They spent time doing cool stuff like hiking, canoeing, kayaking, swimming, rock walls, rope climbing, zip lining, primitive camping, and chasing girls.

All while learning about God.

If not for the girls, it would have been called Christian Bootcamp.

While he was gone, the only form of communication he could receive was email, which the staff would print and deliver to the campers once a day.

His mother and I each sent him one, but later found out mine was the only one he received.

It read:

“Hey Son! Dad here.  Just wanted to drop you a few lines. I remember how much fun it was to get mail while away at camp. Although, when I was at camp, my parents never sent me mail. Pretty sure they hated me and were just glad I was gone. Anyway, I used to love getting mail in Navy bootcamp. I’m sure you are having WAY more fun there then I did at Navy bootcamp (i.e.girls), but getting mail is still fun. It’s like a little piece of home. A small piece. The only piece not completely cluttered by all your toys.

I miss having you around. Your mom has been crazy without you here. I think your sister and brother are about ready to push her over the edge. They have been beating the crap out of each other. They need you around to keep the peace and your mom out of jail for murdering them. You sister asks about you every day. And your brother has been bored without you to play with.

We went to Granny & Grandpa’s last night for the WWE thing. Grandpa made hamburgers, but without the fries. WTF! Your brother threw a fit because your mom wouldn’t let him wrestle grandpa. Grandpa’s back was hurting. So instead, he took out his frustration by randomly attacking everyone else repeatedly. He got in BIG trouble. Your mom threatened to take away his wrestlers and make that the last WWE party. He cried, as usual.

We are looking forward to coming down and picking you up. We plan to leave early and make a day of it. Hope you are having fun and making friends. Don’t be picking up any girls. I know what a ladies man you are. You get that from your father. We are just too irresistible to women.

Oh, and I bought you a car while you were gone. It’s a Pontiac Solstice. Just like you wanted. Unfortunately, you have to be really tiny to drive it, because it’s a Hot Wheel. Hahahahaha, just kidding. Even the Hot Wheel was too expensive.”

So we went down early to retrieve the boy from camp.

On the way down, I stopped at the Edinburgh Premium Outlets.

I had been promising to take the wife there for several years and thought it would be a nice little detour.

And it was.

Until my daughter shoplifted.

Me and my youngest son were waiting outside the Claire’s store for my wife and daughter.

Suddenly, my daughter comes flying out of the door, HUGE smile on face, and saying, “LOOK WHAT I GOT! DORA POLISHES!”

Me: “That’s great! Does Mommy know you have those?”

Her: “Yep”

Two seconds later, the wife bursts threw the door saying, “She didn’t pay for those! L, get back in here!”

Once back in the store, my little angel threw a huge fit, tore open the polishes, knocked over a display shelf, kicked her mom, and threw herself on the floor, while screaming and crying.

My poor wife comes dragging her out the door, about in tears herself.

I grab my little angel from the wife, stand her up, and tell her that stealing is WRONG.

Her: (crying) “But I want the Dora polishes!”

Me: “We don’t steal! Stealing is wrong! It’s Bad!”

Her: “But I want them!”

Me: “You’ve been a bad girl. And bad girls don’t get anything. But STD’s.”

It’s never too early to impart words of wisdom.

Demotivational Posters--The News Edition