What's in a Name?!?!?

OMG, I totally missed it.

I did my 200th post this week and kept right on going without recognizing it.

Judging by the lack of cards, well wishes, and cash gifts, all you assholes missed it too.

Thanks. Jerks.

Guess that makes us even for the time when I promised a hugely embarrassing TMI post once I hit 100 followers, then chickened out.

Now I have over 200 followers and my balls are just as small. (Figuratively speaking of course.) (Literally speaking, they are more like grapefruits.)

HA!

That reminds me of the AD we had in High School.

That guy used to have the worst guy-cameltoe in history.

I don’t know if he just wore boxers all the time with his too tight dress slacks, or if he really WAS hiding grapefruits down there, but he would always end up sitting somewhere in front of the congregated student body with his legs spread wide showing off his enormous balls, which were thinly veiled by khaki material, for all to see.

We nicknamed him, “Ole Pignuts”.

And THAT reminds me of other unfortunate nicknames from High School.

Like the girl who got nicknamed “Hotdog”, after her embarrassing trip to the ER, to have the broken off section retrieved from her body, after an illicit encounter with a frozen hotdog.

Some guy’s mom worked in the ER, and while trying to get her son to stay away from said girl (who was obviously looking for some “attention” in that area), she inadvertently let the dog out of the bun, and that poor girl was branded with a nickname that followed her through the rest of school.

There was also a girl who was given the nickname “Roastbeef”, due to the appearance of her female genitalia.

Nobody felt quite as sorry for her, since she was in the habit of exposing that region to so many many MANY viewers.

Which probably also explained how it got that appearance.

We also had a guy named “Crusty”.

He either had some tooth disease that made them brittle, or just ate too much candy. I can’t remember now.

I just remember that when he smiled, he had a mouth full of jaggedy spike-like teeth.

There was also “Smelly Donnie”. That one is pretty self explanatory.

Needless to say, Smelly D could clear out the locker room after gym class just upon his arrival.
He never showered after class.

Maybe never at all.

He had some reason he couldn’t shower at school.

Regardless, he was eventually given an involuntary shower by several of his classmates who had decided that they could no longer endure the repeated raping of their olfactory senses.

Said showering included him being carried into the showers fully clothed, and scrubbed with SOS and Brilllo pads that were brought from home for the occasion.

Pretty sure he didn’t stink much after that. I think he must have gotten the point.

I had many nicknames myself, but not one in particular.

There was Fast Eddy in T-ball and coaches pitch.

That’s because I ran around the bases like lightening.

Well, when I wasn’t stopping at each base to retie my shoes. (Thanks for the extra long shoelaces, Mom.)

There was Fiz Ed, my rap name.

“They call me Fiz Ed because I’m physical.
Rappin’ & Rhymin’ the mike because I’m lyrical.”

That’s all I remember. But as you can see, I had seriously sweet skills.

And there was Mr. Ed.

For….ummm….non-tooth related reasons.

2010 Funniest Blogger Awards Runners-up (a.k.a. First Place in Loserville)

I announced the 2010 Funniest Blogger Award winners last week.

Here are the peeps that ALMOST made cut:

http://thequeenofwtf.blogspot.com/

http://wereatdadsthatweek.blogspot.com/

http://mrsblogalot.blogspot.com/

http://bigdaddycainblog.blogspot.com/

http://starbucksbreak.com/

http://zaiusnation.blogspot.com/

http://www.pajamasandcoffee.com/

http://domestica79.blogspot.com/

http://drgrumpyinthehouse.blogspot.com/

http://tinythingsihate.blogspot.com/

Make sure you check them out for some good laughs.

They were all REALLY good.

Just not good enough…..LMAO….Maybe next year.

But until then, and to honor your valiant efforts, I give you this:

The Minus Smiley Face!

(See yesterdays post for the meaning of this)

Smiley THIS!

I was making giant pretzels in the kitchen last night with my 6 yr old, when he noticed one of his school papers on the fridge.

He said, “I didn’t realized I missed that many on this paper.”
Having no clue what he was going on about THIS time, I said, “Huh?”

Him: “Geez. Look at all those red X’s! No wonder I only got a minus smiley face!”
Me: *…Blink, blink…* “Minus wha…..? Ummm….shouldn’t that be a frowny face then?”
Him: “No, look.”

Me: “That’s CRAZY! How can it be a minus or negative smiley?! Minus & negative mean the opposite of a smiley. And THAT would be a frowny.”

Him: “Oh man! I even made my ‘P’ backwards!”
Me: “Ahh, it’s an old paper anyway. And that’s probably a ‘Q’.”
Him: “Since when does ‘PIG’ start with ‘Q’?”
Me: *thinking if I know any cops named Quentin*

SERIOUSLY PEOPLE!

What are we teaching kids nowadays?!?!

I mean, I know the big thing is to give everybody a trophy just for participating (ex. “Congratulations Loser! You actually showed up every time! Here’s your trophy!”), but it’s no wonder these kids test scores are so low.

The freaking teachers don’t even know their opposites!

What happens when he goes to take the SATs in a bunch of years, and gets the following:

Rise is to Fall, as Succeed is to _________?

Minus Succeed?

Negative Succeed?

Geez.

Wouldn’t these have been better:

UPDATE: My wife, also an Elementary teacher, explained that it was probably a Minus Zero, and his teacher drew a smiley face in the zero as a way of saying Good Job. I might accept that and feel the need to apologize to all my teacher/readers, IF not for all the red X’s on the paper.

How can they put red X’s AND put a minus zero or Good Job on the paper?

Can the teacher not count?

Were the red X’s some sick educator joke?

Maybe there really is a delicious farm animal named a ‘qig’?

Until then, I am pushing for teachers to be paid at the end of the year with trophies.