White Guilt - It's REAL

White people are full of guilt. Guilt over some shit that happened over 150 years ago.

Hell, we didn’t own slaves! No white person alive today ever owned a slave.

But we still feel that guilt.

We go out of our way to be extra nice to black people. Even put one in the white house.

It’s the media that keeps that racial tension shit alive.

And the black people.

They will play that card anytime they feel they are being wronged.

“Bitch, why you put pickle on my cheeseburger when I ordered it plain? It’s cause I’m black, it’s it. I bet if a white person would’ve ordered theirs plain, there wouldn’t be no pickle on their shit. You racist M-F’er!”

So we feel guilty.

My wife and I saw that movie Traffic in the theaters. You remember that movie?

After it ended, my wife turns to me and says, “Let’s go hug that black couple sitting over there.”

And I, because of white guilt, was like, “Yeah, that’s a good idea. Let’s do it.”

Then my brain was like, “Whoa…hold up. Are you friggin crazy! You don’t go hugging on some strange black person. Do you want your ass beat?”

I’m like, “Hang on a second babe. On second thought, we’ll just make a donation to the NAACP.”

But nowadays, Arabs are the new Blacks.

Now don’t get jealous black people. I don’t mean we are going to put Arabs in chains and make them do manual labor, only to free them, give them the vote, and eventually pay them millions of dollars to play sports for our leisure.

No, what I mean is, when you see an arab nowadays, like at the seven eleven or the cellphone accessory kiosk in the mall or on a plane…doesn’t your sphincter pucker a little.

Used to be, white people would see blacks, and they would get scared. Lock their doors. Women would clutch their purses a little tighter.

Now, when we see Arabs, we either walk the other way incase they explode, or we get ready to tackle them incase they reach for a detonator.

The poor guy at the kiosk learned that the hard way the other day. I felt bad afterwards. Turns out he was just reaching for his phone to show me we had the same kind.

But white people don’t fear blacks like they used too. We are more worried about them not liking us.

“I sure hope this black guy doesn’t hold what my relatives did to his relatives 150 years ago against me.”

The Indian Who Wasn't

While helping a veteran get a new ID Card at the VA today, I noticed he had a really neat "Native Pride" hat on.

It said "Native Pride" on the bill, and had a large embroidered Dream-catcher with a wolf's head in the center.

The following exchange took place:

Me: "I love your hat."
Him: "Thanks!"
Me: "What tribe?"
Him: "Huh?"
Me: "What tribe are you from?"
Him: "What do you mean?"
Me: "Aren't you Native American?"
Him: "Yeah! I was born in St. Louis, Missouri!"
Me: "Oh....I thought maybe you were Indian."
Him: "I'm Irish."

Turns out, a friend bought him the hat in Arizona because she knew he liked to read about the Indians.

Second Chances-Clean & Sober version

After discussing the previously mentioned evening with various folks in attendance, I think I finally figured out what Joke/Story I was attempting to tell at the reunion.

If I had been clean & sober, it would have gone something like this:

My dad calls me in the middle of church the other day.

Now dad has had some health problems lately, so when I see it’s him calling, I think it’s an emergency.

I run out of church to answer his call and this is what I get:

Dad: “Do you have a sickle?"

Me: “A what?”

Dad: “A sickle! Like you cut weeds with?”

Me: “No. I have a weedeater for that.”

Dad: “Nah, I’ve got one of those, I want a sickle. Wonder where I can get one.”

Me: “I don’t know..........maybe the 1800’s?”

Couldn’t he just wait a couple months and borrow the Grim Reapers?

 

Not sure being sober makes it any funnier, but it was funny when it happened.

My 20 year class reunion and how I basically died.

My reunion was this past month.

Or so I’m told.

See, ole Ed had a few too many. How many is too many, you ask?

Well, the reunion started around 6pm and lasted until about midnight.

I had a couple Crown & Cokes at the cash bar, and visited with some old friends.

The guy who was our class president found me at the bar and asked if I would be doing standup that night. I explained that it was talked about, but that nothing was decided beforehand, so I never prepared anything.

He said that was bullshit and he wanted me to do it anyway. I explained that I had not consumed nearly enough alcohol for provide an impromptu performance.

He immediately ordered shots of some fancy Irish whiskey. And several more followed.

I eventually made my way to the table where my wife & sister-in-law (who married my best friend from High School) were seated.

At this point, things are getting foggy.

Eventually, I was handed a microphone with the request of “At least give us a one-liner. Something quick.”

Anybody who knows me or my comedy knows, Ed don’t do one-liners. I think I told some story about my dad or something, which pretty much bombed.

It must have been bad, because when I turned around, my wife said something about how my comedy doesn’t work with one-liners or something. And, the guy I handed the mic back to thought he needed to save the moment by trying a one-liner of his own, which I’m pretty sure got more laughs than me.

After that, my BFF/Brother-in-Law said “Let’s do some shots”, and off to the bar we went.

That was about 8:30pm.

And that’s the last thing I remember.

Until I woke up. At 5 a.m. In my backyard.

Now, I started the evening drinking $3 crown & cokes, which I was paying cash for from the $30 I had in my pocket. I remember ordering 3 of those, plus a double. This is in addition to all the shots people were buying me.

However, at some point, I must have started a tab, because I woke up with a receipt in my pocket for $75! AND no cash!

Although I have no memory of the night, I got a detailed report from the wife. Without even asking for it.

I also questioned my Brother-in-Law about the evening’s festivities.

Here are some of the highlights:

2 people told my wife that she needed to cut me off and take me home. Evidently I had grabbed their crotch and ass. They were both men.

I bump&grind-ed with some “fat girl” on the dance floor.

I keep yelling “Fuck you!” and “Shut the fuck up!” to no one in particular.

I told my sister-in-law that my brother-in-law was passed out on the floor of the bathroom. No one remembers if he actually was.

I evidently said, on several occasions, “I want some blonde because I get brown at home”.

I sat at the bar and did Snakebite shots with my Brother-in-law for over an hour.

At one point, I order a full glass of whiskey, and forced the class president to try and drink it all. He managed to choke down half, and I finished the rest.

I yelled at the spouse of a classmate, “Who the FUCK are you?! You weren’t in my class!”

I kept whispering to people, really loudly. Or, whispering so close it bordered on giving them a hicky.

We didn’t leave till after midnight, because I refused to leave.

Then, I refused to get in the cab of the truck. Evidently, I kept shutting my foot in the door and telling my wife, “It’s fine, just go!” When she would try to tell me otherwise, I would say, “Shut up and drive!”, which she refused.

I eventually got in the back of the truck bed, which is how I made the 15 min trip home.

Like I said, I have no memory of this. My first memory is waking up freezing in the backyard at 5am.

I was still drunk till about 2pm the next day.

And hungover until the day following.

Pretty sure I must have had alcohol poisoning. It’s a miracle I did not die.

AND that my wife did not leave me.

Lessons learned:

I will never again say, “I haven’t had nearly enough to drink yet to do that.” That is basically a challenge.

Scotch whiskey, Irish whiskey, and Tequila don’t get along.

I’m kind of a dick, with a hidden preference for blondes and fat girls. And maybe even a closet bisexual.

I don’t have that little inside voice that says, “Maybe you should quit. You’ve probably had enough.”

I suck at whispering.

I have the BEST Wife in the World!

Seriously, it’s a miracle she hasn’t murdered me in my sleep.

Yet.

theChive - It's my new thing!

theChive is my new addiction. It’s AWESOME!

If you haven’t checked it out, I HIGHLY recommend it.

It was started by these brothers from Ft. Wayne, Indiana (my home state), and has since become a global phenom!

It can't be described in such a short blog post. It's more than just a website. It's a way of life.

Not only does it have all the funnies for could want, but it also has tons of pics of hot babes, cool gadgets, cats & dogs, awesome locations, and charitable stuff. They are constantly raising money and having fun doing it.

It’s basically social networking on steroids!

There is an app for your phone too.

I’ve heard it described as a better version of Maxim.

Someone I recommended it to said there was “Too much tits & ass” ........(like that is a real thing)hahaha.

It’s really not that bad though. People let their kids follow it.

Do yourself a favor and check it out.

And for the ladies, they have a more "female friendly" version called theBerry, where they post pics of girly stuff (like purses & flowers & kittens & shit).

They also post pics of hot guys.

Or so I’m told.

When is enough and when is too much?

I struggle with knowing when someone expects a reply to an email and when they don't. And how many replies. Like, they send me a message, I send them a reply, then they reply to my reply thanking me for my reply. Do I reply to their reply, so they know I received their thank you? Cause to me, that seems stalkerish. Like, they may think I want to be friends or something, when I don't. Or they might think I don't think they are busy and have time to start a conversation of replies.

*On a related note, I may either need more or less caffiene*

Holy cow! My last post was December 2012???

Is anyone still here?

Well, not much as changed since then. I am still working for the Fed. Still volunteering as a Fireman in the city I live. My kids are still driving me crazy. My wife is still putting up with me. I am still restoring an old Fiero. And I am still the same wild and crazy funnyman. I have been trying to get back on stage to so standup, but other commitment have thus far prevented that.

I kind of got burnt out on blogging. It seemed like a fad that had outlived its run. I did miss the community and the friends I made, but I could never find the time for regular posts, and when I did...I could always think of other things I would rather do.

Plus, when you are writing standup, the last thing you want to do is waste all your funny on a blog post.

So I quit.

I was so busy at work and in real life, I just didn't have time for it. And it didn't seem right to post stuff and not spend the time reading what others have posted.

Lately, I 've missed my blog and the mental release it provided.

Still not sure if I am planning to return regularly, but who knows.

Buy Rodney's (aka Moooog) Book!!!...Oh yeah, and long time no see

Rodney (aka Moooog) has written a book.

God help us.

Not that he has ever been lacking for words. But THIS time, he has managed to organize them into coherent trains of thought AND find someone mentally-challenged enough to print them.

Rodney is one of the only people I know shorter than me, and who also happens to be ALMOST as funny as me.

So BUY HIS BOOK!!!

Go HERE

DO IT!!!

1% of all the proceeds go to help the Vertically Challenged. The other 99% goes for beer.

Plus, Rodney is giving away Free Kittens with every purchase. Not necessarily to you, or at the time of purchase, or even alive kittens. This may or may not be true.


*I was not paid for this endorsement. Because Rodney is a cheap bastard. But, he is a friend nonetheless.*


If you want to know what I've been up to lately, go here.

There Once Was A Neglected Blog

Real life keeps me busy these days.

For starters, there has been all kinds of Drama at work. Was told that I was being moved, then I wasn't, then I was, then I wasn't, etc.etc. I still don't know what is going on.

The Fire Dept was a bigger commitment than I originally thought it would be. Way too much for volunteer. But it's too late to bitch now.

Lately, my free time has been consumed with family and my latest passion.....Building a Custom Car!

First, I was planning to build a Lamborghini kitcar. Something I had always wanted to do. Now, its a toss up between a one-off custom and restoring a Hot Rod. Either way, I am starting one soon! (My winter project)
I am obsessed!!!!

My dad has been having some medical issues, and I have been caring for him. Not quite ready to lose another parent so soon. Prayers are appreciated.

BUT mostly, I just got kind of bored with blogging. It was supposed to be an outlet for me and my humor. BUT My wife finds me funny again!!! She is my outlet. Probably one reason I haven't been back to the standup stage.

I still would like to try that again sometime.

However, this blog just became more of a task than something fun to do. And I'm sure it showed in my lack of posts, and the quality of the few times I would post.

So am I done? Is this it for Eds Funny Pages?

Who knows.

Best Of Craigslist While Blogger Still Eludes Me

I'm guessing that the most recent update to blogger is not compatable with my work computer.

I have yet to try it from home, as my wife isn't as understanding of "Break Time" as they are at work.

Regardless, here are some links to Hilarious posts on Craiglist.
(I recommend Left-Clicking on each link and opening in a seperate window.)

Enjoy!

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/2979885438.html
Makes me want one!

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ral/3178532215.html
I sent in my Resume.

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/2597736393.html
Hilarious!

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/grr/2967803311.html
Glad they specified. Would hate to slay the wrong one!

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/2783430662.html
I think we've all had days like this.

This place is DUSTY!

*cough* *cough* *coughy-coughy-cough-cough*

DAMN!

How'd it get so dusty up in here?

I had some stuff to post but will have to do it some other time.

It seems Blogger made some changes in my long absence and I don't even know how to post pictures anymore.

WTF!

I'll read up and try again later.

That Time Me And Crown Royal Entertained Some Wolverines

In June, I went to Saginaw, Michigan for a work training conference.

Saginaw is about 4 hours Northeast of me, and about an hour north of Detroit.

Let me just say, that area of Michigan sucks.

I know that they were hit hard by the collapse the market and lost several auto manufacturers.

The area lost thousands of jobs when those companies packed up and moved production to greener Asian/Mexican pastures with less unions and lower wages.

But honestly, how long can you use that as an excuse to be the armpit of the country?

So you negotiated yourselves out of work, so what! It’s time to pick yourselves up and do something else.

Like maybe cleaning up the streets of your cities.

Or at least remove the dead deer carcasses from the highway. (I counted 12 JUST on the way UP there!)

We all know Detroit is a cesspit, so I digress.

Saginaw is slightly better. You are still close enough to catch a contact high, and possibly STDs, but far enough away that the bullets from 8 Mile fall short.

You get the picture.

So there I am. Stuck. For a week.

The training runs from 8 to 4, leaving quite a bit of free time.

Free to do WHAT?

The second night there, I noticed a HUGE Buffalo Wild Wings in the parking lot of my hotel.

I walked over to get some dinner, and ended up staying to watch the NHL finals.

While there, I ordered an adult beverage, only to be CARDED!

Because I’m THAT youthful AND sexy.

That is when I found out my Drivers License had expired on my birthday.

Last December.

Like 6 months ago.

Like before I drove out of state 300 miles.

The bartender took pity on me and gave me my drink.

The next night, I debated on whether to risk embarrassment by going back, only to realize it would be less embarrassing than going somewhere new and experiencing it all over again. At least they already knew my license was expired at this BW3.

When I got there, the place was PACKED. A couple hundred people AT LEAST.

I found an empty seat at the bar on the patio, which was also packed.

I originally planned to grab a bite to eat and leave, but after meeting the two gentlemen sitting on either side of me, I figured some guy talk over beers and an NHL game would be better than watching Real Housewives alone in my hotel room.

Shut up.

Turns out, the guy on my left who was on a first name basis with all the bartenders and waitresses was not just some regular, but was the General Manager of all the area Buffalo Wild Wings.

He was really cool, and kept ordering the 3 of us Crown & Cokes.

The other guy, to my right with the really fancy watch, was an executive of NBC Detroit.

We talked and laughed and drank for most of the evening.

About 8 Crown & Cokes in, I mentioned that I had done standup comedy a few times.

Awe, hell.

Next thing I know, the GM has me up on the bar, with a mic, in front of the entire restaurant doing standup.

I did about a 20 min impromptu set that had the place rolling!

At first, I thought maybe they were just laughing at my drunk ass, and not the jokes.

But after I came down, they were patting me on the back, buying me drinks, telling me I was hilarious, and asking me to come back the next night.

I may or may not have even signed a couple pairs of titties. It’s difficult to remember.

Yep!

I’m now an INTER-STATE comedian.

Living the dream, one Crown&Coke at a time.

One Hot & Crazy Summer

Summertime.

I love summer.

Used to be, one of the best things about living in Indiana was seeing the seasons change.

All the colors of fall.

Having snow on Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Years in the winter.

The flowers and trees blooming in the spring.

Pardon me while I adjust my vagina.

The older I get, the more I like summer.  And the less I give a shit about changing seasons.

In fact, after Christmas, winter can go F#@K itself.

Since I hit 30, I found myself thinking more and more fondly about the possible climate change effects of global warming.

Who cares that it’s a myth!

Who care that the Earth has been going through periods of Hot and Cold for millions of years throughout history.

If there was just the tiniest chance that Al “Iinventedtheinternet” Gore was right, then I supported it whole-heartedly.

I would be willing to cut off ALL the catalytic converters of all the cars in town, mow my yard in the middle of the day, waste water, and burn roofing shingles 24-7, if it meant Indiana would soon become the new Florida.

It would be GREAT!

Only better, actually, since we have no hurricanes, poisonous snakes or spiders, gators, sink holes, or Cubans.

And we keep our retired folk in homes, where they belong.

Not running around clogging up the malls and theme parks.

Yep, I was becoming more and more in favor of adding a few degrees to the thermometer.

Until this summer.

The HEAT has been HELL-like.

I’m not talking the normal humidity/heat that we are used to, that other people bitch about when they visit Indiana.

I’m talking the several weeks of 100+ degrees minus the humidity heat.

I’m talking the “kill all your grass and plants and animals” heat.

I’m talking the “don’t walk outside unless you want an instant flash burn that melts your face off and makes it impossible to breathe” type heat.

We have had WAY below average rainfall this summer, which may have helped with the humidity, but not the heat.

I’m starting to look forward to fall.

My Family: I Can't Take These People ANYWHERE!

A relative of my daughter's preschool teacher recently opened a restaurant in our area, and we had been meaning to stop in and try it.

And since we hate to cook and were out by there, we stopped in.

What the HELL is a "bistro"?

Sounds like some kind of commie French place where stuffed shirts sit around drinking fancy coffee and eating croissants and discussing their hatred of Western Capitalism.

Definitely not the usual type of place for this area.

See, my family is more of the McDonald's, Arby's, Bob Evans, Cracker Barrel, Steak-n-Shake, Long John's, Pizza Hut, Papa John's, Chinese Buffet-type of connoiseurs.

Once in a blue moon, we'll go "fancy" and hit the Applebee's.

That's high-falutin' for our area.

So needless to say, as soon as we hit the door, we had some reservations.

Actually, we wondered if we should have made some reservations first.

My lovely wife, the tightwad, said "This looks expensive."

My kids asked, "Is this a museum?"

I wondered if kids were even allowed in a place like this. 

I saw this and thought, "Oh shit! Square plates! I hope I brought enough cash."

Within seconds of being seated, my daughter had thrown her silverware on the floor.

My oldest son spilled pepper all over the table. He was confused by the combo salt and pepper-grinder\shaker they had on the table. I showed him how the salt shakes out of the top, and by turning the top (like he had just done) it will cause freshly ground pepper to pour out the bottom.

My youngest son practically spilled his water looking to see if his eyes were playing tricks on him because, "It looks like the hole goes all the way through the bottom of the glass."

It's funny how being in a nice place instantly causes you to be concerned with stuff like table manners.

We found ourselves instructing our little animals on such things as: "GET YOUR ELBOWS OFF THE TABLE!" and "STOP PLAYING WITH YOUR SILVERWARE\THE SALT&PEPPER SHAKER\YOUR FOOD\ETC.!" and "SIT ON YOUR BUTT THE RIGHT WAY IN THAT CHAIR!" and finally, "PUT YOUR NAPKIN IN YOUR LAP."

That last one was my wife to the 8yr old, who kept covering up with his napkin.

It went like this:

Wife: "Place your napkin in your lap."

8 yr/old: "Where is my napkin?"

Wife: "You're covering up with it."

8 yr/old: "THAT'S NOT A NAPKIN! It's CLOTHE! It's soft like a blanket!"

Seems the lack of paper napkins confused him.

I felt like I was with the Beverly Hillbillies.

I half expected one of them to ask the waitress, "Ya'll have a concrete pond out back?"

Then came time to order. Unable to find exactly what the prices were on the menus, my wife ordered a salad, and I ordered a burger. The kids got something from the "kids menu" the waitress brought.

My wife's salad came and looked something like this:

She said it was excellent.

I couldn't find a picture of my burger, but it was similar to this. Just imagine it on a bun with fresh condiments.

It was wonderful.

We were really impressed with the fancy presentation of everything, and the kids even loved their food.

Evidently the guy running the place is a classically trained chef.

"No kids, the white coat does not mean he's a doctor."

I held my breathe as the check came.....

The total was $33 and some change.

Unbelievable for the quality!

Not to mention, for feeding a family of FIVE!

Hell, we spend almost that much at McDonald's!

I told my wife, "It's big city food, at a small town price."

Still, I think we'll leave the kids at home next time.

What's Up, World?!

Hey you! Yeah, I'm talking to you!

What's up? How you been?

Man, seems like we haven't seen each other in FOREVER.

Honestly, I wasn't sure I wanted to continue blogging.

I mean, yes, I have been crazy busy at work and at home and with firefighting.

I had planned to make a return to Standup, and I had kind of gotten bored with blogging.

Plus, they changed my job description at work, and now I get to work from home more.

This is a very good thing on many levels, except for blogging.

See, I get too distracted at home to blog. I used to blog on my breaks at work during downtime.

At home, when I have downtime from work, I have a million other things to do....when my wife gives them to me.

Firefighting has been way busier than I expected it to be. Between fire calls, fundraisers, meeting, and training classes (Just got my Haz Mat Certification), it's almost like a full-time job. That you don't get paid for!

Now that it's camping season, I have been spending a lot of time with the family as well.

And even though I get to work from home more, work is still crazy busy. They still haven't replaced my retired co-worker, so I am doing both of our jobs. PLUS, the are sending me to a week long training class 5 hrs away in Saganaw, Michigan! Wherever the Fuck THAT is!

I see I lost a follower while I was gone. I am surprised more didn't jump ship. Oh well, I really don't care anymore.

Oh, and I have still been watching lots of TV and Movies online when I get a chance. SEE? More distractions!

I finally broke down and watched all FIVE seasons of Madmen. I'm hooked! It's awesome.

Guess that's all my ramblings for today. Just thought I would pop in and say Hi.

I might be back.

Movies, Movies, Movies!

I LOVE movies.

Not that I get to go that much. Thank God for the internet.

But I drop my share of a small fortune at the box office when I can.

This year is shaping up to be the best year for movies in the history of ever.

Just check out what has been released so far:

Underworld: Awakening

Redtails

Haywire

Chronicle

Safe House

Act of Valor

The Lorax

John Carter

21 Jump Street

The Hunger Games

Wrath Of The Titans

American Reunion

…and others.

Compared to years past, even that list would make for a decent year.

But just check out just some of the movies still to come (in order of release):

The Avengers

Dark Shadows

Battleship

The Dictator

MIB III

Snow White And The Huntsman

Prometheus

Madagascar 3

That’s My Boy

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

G.I.Joe: Retailation

The Amazing Spider-Man

Ice Age 4

The Dark Knight Rises

Neighborhood Watch

The Bourne Legacy

Total Recall

The Campaign

The Expendables 2

Resident Evil: Retribution

Hotel Translyvania

Taken 2

Red Dawn

SkyFall (007)

Breaking Dawn (Part 2)

The Hobbit

The Great Gatsby

….and many more

Sure, there are lots of superhero movies and sequels, but it wouldn’t be Hollywood otherwise.

That town is short on original ideas.

I am probably MOST excited for The Avengers and The Expendables 2.

Yes, the first “Expendables” was a little cheesy and short on plot, but these movies are PACKED with all the GREAT action stars I grew up watching and admiring.

It’s like a REAL LIFE version of The Avengers.

The second one has even more!

Including ARNOLD, Jean Claude, and…..Chuck FREAKIN Norris!!!

I can’t wait!

Which ones are you excited for?

The Stage Is Calling Me

Now that my mom is in the ground (too soon?)...

And my Firefighting training is complete (no word on whether I passed my test yet)...

And AND things are finally calming down at work...

I have been finding my funny again.

Who knew it was here all along?  Right under a big pile of Life Shit?

I hope to get back to updating my blog more often, but I also am working towards my return to the stage.

I said on Facebook that I had been writing some new Stand-up material.

Well, it's more like "talking points" or "topics".

I don't really like to write entire jokes out. Not only do they never come out like you planned, but they sound rehearsed--which they probably are.

Mostly, I just HATE repetition. Going over the same material more than once, including after it has been written down, is too repetitive for me.

Damn this photographic memory of mine!

It's probably a good thing I'm not a comic for a living.

Not only am I not funny enough, but those guys go over and over the same material, night after night.

Honing their delivery. Seeing what works and what doesn't.

I HATE hearing there same joke from a comic more than once, no matter how good it is.

Unfortunately, by not practicing this repetitive custom,  one must have unlimited material.

It also exposes you to more opportunity for failures.

Thankfully, I HAVE unlimited material,  and I could care less about failure. Whatever THAT is.

I've always done better "on my feet" or "off the cuff". I think you call it, Extemporanious speech, or some shit.

Regardless, at least it gaurantees each time I perform will be different.

Basically, I just get an idea of what I'm going to talk about, in my head, and then go from there.

And, as long as I'm comfortable and not too nervous, it should be good.

If not...well....

My New Life Anthem

FIRE, FIRE, FIRE! An ACTUAL REAL FIRE!!!

I had 2 Fire calls yesterday.

TWO!

IN ONE DAY!!!

The first one came in while I was home at lunch.

An alarm at my kid's school!

I raced down to the station, grabbed my gear and climbed aboard the truck.

When we arrived on scene, there was no smoke showing, BUT I was fully dressed and breathing air from my SCBA.

I was ready to ROCK!

As we jumped off the truck, we are greeted by the Principal.

Turns out, a Kindergartener and known troublemaker, had pulled the alarm on the way out for recess.

False Alarm. No fire.

Oh well, STILL COUNTS!

Then, about 8pm, the tones went off again.

"Jonesboro Fire, Gas City Fire, Gas City Rescue. Structure fire at (address). Fire in bathroom."

I thought, "GEEZ, I've heard of having the hot flaming shits before, but DAMN!"

This call was different.

It was the REAL thing. Not just a call or an alarm. They actually mentioned visible flames on the call.

Race down to the station. FIRST! (Only I wasn't actually, as a couple guys were there doing work at the station)

Grab my gear and jump on the truck.

That's when things went downhill.

I shut my coat in the door.

Also, I was the smallest guy on the truck and had no space to move, let alone get my coat on.

The driver was hauling balls to the wall, as we were getting reports the structure was becoming engulfed.

We were bouncing around like pinballs in the back, as he raced through stop signs and over potholes and curbs.

To make matters worse, I opened the door to get my coat unstuck.

Right as he was turning a corner!

When we got there, I still hadn't gotten my coat fastened. I moved and let the other guys off the truck.

Then I proceeded to fight my mask for an eternity. Seems when I put it back after the first run, the straps decided to braid themselves together tighter than a 12 year old's ponytail.

THEN, my helmet strap wouldn't fasten!

I was gased just getting my gear on.

By the time I turned around and headed up the steps of the house, the fire was mostly out.

We stayed on scene till about 11pm, putting out hotspots and securing everything.

So there you have it, my first "real" fire run.

FAIL


*walks away in shame*

Wacky News On A Tuesday?!

MILLEDGEVILLE, Ga. (AP) - Police in Georgia handcuffed a kindergartner after the girl threw a tantrum, and the police chief is making no apologies.The 6-year-old is accused of tearing items off the walls and throwing furniture at school in the central Georgia city of Milledgeville.
The police report says the girl knocked over a shelf that injured the principal.The elementary school called police after the Friday tantrum. The report says when an officer tried to calm the child, she resisted and was handcuffed.
The girl was charged with simple assault and damage to property.Police Chief Dray Swicord says the department's policy is to handcuff people in certain situations, and "there is no age discrimination on that rule." The child was suspended from school until August.

Someone needs a Timeout!

In cuffs and a mini-jumpsuit.

What happen to the Good Old Days when you used to just beat the kids ass?

ANDERSON, Ind. -- An Anderson man has been arrested on charges he stole from a woman during a funeral over the weekend.

Police said a witness saw Derek Culbertson, 25, take the woman's purse and dig through its contents during the Saturday service at St. Ambrose Church, the Anderson Herald Bulletin reported.

The woman, who had traveled from Minnesota for the funeral, said her wallet with $105 inside and coin purse were missing from the purse, police said.

Several people at the funeral tracked Culbertson to a church bathroom and held him there until police arrived, the newspaper reported.

Police said they found the stolen items shoved into Culbertson's underwear. He was also carrying prescription medications without a prescription, police said.

Culbertson was arrested on preliminary charges of theft and possession of a controlled substance. He was being held at the Madison County Jail.

There you go again Indiana, making me proud.

And only about 30 miles south of me too!

At least wait till the casket is in the ground.