Thursday, October 31, 2013

My 20 year class reunion and how I basically died.

My reunion was this past month.
Or so I’m told.

See, ole Ed had a few too many. How many is too many, you ask?
Well, the reunion started around 6pm and lasted until about midnight.

I had a couple Crown & Cokes at the cash bar, and visited with some old friends.
The guy who was our class president found me at the bar and asked if I would be doing standup that night. I explained that it was talked about, but that nothing was decided beforehand, so I never prepared anything.

He said that was bullshit and he wanted me to do it anyway. I explained that I had not consumed nearly enough alcohol for provide an impromptu performance.
He immediately ordered shots of some fancy Irish whiskey. And several more followed.

I eventually made my way to the table where my wife & sister-in-law (who married my best friend from High School) were seated.
At this point, things are getting foggy.

Eventually, I was handed a microphone with the request of “At least give us a one-liner. Something quick.”
Anybody who knows me or my comedy knows, Ed don’t do one-liners. I think I told some story about my dad or something, which pretty much bombed.

It must have been bad, because when I turned around, my wife said something about how my comedy doesn’t work with one-liners or something. And, the guy I handed the mic back to thought he needed to save the moment by trying a one-liner of his own, which I’m pretty sure got more laughs than me.
After that, my BFF/Brother-in-Law said “Let’s do some shots”, and off to the bar we went.

That was about 8:30pm.
And that’s the last thing I remember.

Until I woke up. At 5 a.m. In my backyard.
Now, I started the evening drinking $3 crown & cokes, which I was paying cash for from the $30 I had in my pocket. I remember ordering 3 of those, plus a double. This is in addition to all the shots people were buying me.

However, at some point, I must have started a tab, because I woke up with a receipt in my pocket for $75! AND no cash!
Although I have no memory of the night, I got a detailed report from the wife. Without even asking for it.

I also questioned my Brother-in-Law about the evening’s festivities.
Here are some of the highlights:

2 people told my wife that she needed to cut me off and take me home. Evidently I had grabbed their crotch and ass. They were both men.
I bump&grind-ed with some “fat girl” on the dance floor.

I keep yelling “Fuck you!” and “Shut the fuck up!” to no one in particular.
I told my sister-in-law that my brother-in-law was passed out on the floor of the bathroom. No one remembers if he actually was.

I evidently said, on several occasions, “I want some blonde because I get brown at home”.
I sat at the bar and did Snakebite shots with my Brother-in-law for over an hour.

At one point, I order a full glass of whiskey, and forced the class president to try and drink it all. He managed to choke down half, and I finished the rest.
I yelled at the spouse of a classmate, “Who the FUCK are you?! You weren’t in my class!”

I kept whispering to people, really loudly. Or, whispering so close it bordered on giving them a hicky.
We didn’t leave till after midnight, because I refused to leave.

Then, I refused to get in the cab of the truck. Evidently, I kept shutting my foot in the door and telling my wife, “It’s fine, just go!” When she would try to tell me otherwise, I would say, “Shut up and drive!”, which she refused.
I eventually got in the back of the truck bed, which is how I made the 15 min trip home.

Like I said, I have no memory of this. My first memory is waking up freezing in the backyard at 5am.
I was still drunk till about 2pm the next day.

And hungover until the day following.
Pretty sure I must have had alcohol poisoning. It’s a miracle I did not die.

AND that my wife did not leave me.
Lessons learned:

I will never again say, “I haven’t had nearly enough to drink yet to do that.” That is basically a challenge.
Scotch whiskey, Irish whiskey, and Tequila don’t get along.

I’m kind of a dick, with a hidden preference for blondes and fat girls. And maybe even a closet bisexual.
I don’t have that little inside voice that says, “Maybe you should quit. You’ve probably had enough.”

I suck at whispering.
I have the BEST Wife in the World!

Seriously, it’s a miracle she hasn’t murdered me in my sleep.


Travis Sloat said...

Pump the brakes Big Poppa. Pump those brakes.

Coffeypot said...

Did any of the women you grabbed by the crotch garb you back? Does that constitute betrayal of the marriage vows? Did you care at the time? Who need stand-up comics. They had Big Ed for the night. If the wife had a sense of humor she would have stripped you naked and put a blowup doll next to our in the yard (with 15 condoms throw all around.)

Christian at Point Counter-Point Point Point said...

I drank a little too much at my reunion too. Nothing to this extent but I'm sure I didn't come across the best in many conversations.

Also, I can totally relate to them wanting you to do some stand up. I'm a computer programmer and at my reunion everyone wanted me to go up on stage and write some code.


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