Wednesday, December 28, 2011

If You Can't Stand The HEAT, Learn To Man The Hose!

Guess what I agreed to do?

That's RIGHT!

I agreed to join the local Fire Department.

It's only volunteer.

Because I have a real job. (Ouch, BURN.) (Hahaha, I so punny.)

But seriously, it's a small department that only services a community of about 1800, so all the Firemen are volunteers.

I'm friends with some of the guys on the Dept.

Not sure exactly why they asked me to join.

I have a feeling it was to boost their annual calendar sales.

Next year, it's ALL me baby.

Maybe they just needed a bigger hose on the truck.

If you know what I mean. *wink,wink*

Regardless, next year I will be protecting the citizens of Jonesboro, Indiana from the dangers associated with improperly cooked Meth.

Or from trying to start their grills with a can of gasoline.

Or the dreaded burning leaf pile run amuck.

And let's not forget, decorating their walls with my Calendar of AWESOMENESS.

Training starts January 4th and runs until March 28th.

Wish me luck.

Friday, December 23, 2011

Twas The Funnies Before Christmas

The other night, this happened:

The Girl (3 yrs old): **runs out of her brothers' bedroom with something**
Wife(to girl): “Take that back in there.”
Me: “And, DON’T throw it, either.”
The Girl: **marching back to boys room**
Oldest Boy: “She THREW it!”
Wife(to girl): “Did you throw it?”
The Girl: “NO! I didn’t throw it. I HANDED it to him………….He just wasn’t there.”
My mom fractured her pelvis over the weekend.
She swears she didn’t fall, just “did a funny little dance”.
Most people do that “funny little dance” IN bed.
With a partner.
It’s safer that way.

The Hospice Case Manager showed up to ask mom questions and fill out forms.
That’s when this exchange took place:

Case Manager: “Are you depressed?”
Mom: “No. Not really.”
Case Manager: “Really? Boy, I would be. I would be majorly depressed!”

Hey, Ms. Sunshine, maybe you ought to consider a new line of work.  You may not have the steely resolve cut out for the Hospice line of work.

While you’re at it, go ahead and cross these off your list of potential occupations:
1.       Life Coach
2.       Mental Health Counselor
3.       Cheerleader
4.       Suicide Prevention Hotline
5.       Greeting Card Writer
6.       Anything that involves dealing with other people.


All week, The Wife has been looking forward to going to a “Live Nativity Scene” that some local church was putting on.

She has mentioned it several times, and reminded me frequently that she was looking forward to it.

Last night was the night.

After we ate dinner, she brought our little plastic nativity decoration into the dining room and explain to the kids that we were going to see a REAL LIVE one.

The kids asked if there would be REAL animals, because obviously donkeys and cows are more exciting than Baby Jesus.

The wife said she was sure there probably would be, because, HELLO, it’s a LIVE NATIVITY!

We get the kids dressed (yes, they were still in their pajamas, but screw you it’s Christmas break), and loaded in the truck.

Feeling festive, I crank up some Christmas carols on the radio and off we go.

We arrive at the Church and I can see the flicker of a campfire in the distance.

As we head that direction, I slow down and roll down the windows.

That’s when we see it.

3 hay bales.

A lean-to.

A teenage Joseph

A very over-weight looking Mary.

And a possibly drunken wiseman.

My Oldest Son: “Is THAT it?”
The Wife: “Wait….what?”
My Middle Son: “Where’s the animals?”
The Wife: “I don’t understand. Did we miss it?”

Then the sarcasm starts.

The Oldest: “That’s just AWESOME!”
Me: “Looks like we got here before the Shepherds and other Wisemen.”
Middle Son: “Where are the animals, mom?”
The Wife: “What a bummer. I expected it to be more majestic. I guess the real one was probably more similar to this one anyway. Except it had the whole bright starlight shining down.”
The Oldest: “Yeah, and God in human form.”
Me: “Maybe they are just on break.”
The Oldest: “Like a coffee break?”
Middle Son: “Even the animals?”
The Wife: “I think we missed it. It was supposed to be from 5pm-8pm. That’s the last time I trust the local paper for stuff.”
Me: “Nah, I think we’re early. By the looks of Mary, I think we got here before Baby Jesus even did.”
The Oldest: “This is GREAT! I can’t WAIT to do it again next year.”
The Wife: “Let’s just go look at the Christmas lights at the park instead.”


I want to wish everyone a Very Merry Christmas.
For everybody else, feel free to have a Happy Kwanza/Chanukah/Ramadan/Festivus/Winter Solstice.
I’m sure the Kwanza people will be doing crazy Kwanza things.
The Jews will, no doubt, be spinning those weird top thingies and eating Chinese.
The Muslims will be avoiding pork and blowing themselves up.
 Festivus people will probably spend the holiday watching Seinfeld reruns.
And let’s not forget the Winter Solstice people and their pagan customs with their dark robes and magic.
Meanwhile, we all laugh at the atheist who sits at home, drunk and alone.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

My Mom

Although I have been guilty of over-sharing on here before, I haven’t spoken much about this personal subject.
And I’m not asking for your sympathy, no matter how sincere.
I just had this on my mind and wanted to unload.
Most of you know that my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 esophageal cancer in September of last year.
Because she’s an overachiever, she skipped right past stages 1-3.
That’s like skipping to the last page in a novel and finding out who the killer was without reading the story. Except, in this case, the killer is your own body and the novel is your life story.
Anyway, my mom has been doing really awesome the last year or so. She’s a fighter and had faith that God would heal her.
She has consistently defied the odds.
The cute little female Indian oncologist she has told her in May that she had already lived longer than most patients with this type of cancer. Usually, they succumb to the disease before they finish their first round of chemo. Few make it six months. Her doctor said recently that she had never had a patient make it to the third round of chemo.
My mom has completed 3 rounds.
She has even had 2 doses of a fourth round.
All without the adverse side affects that normally accompany chemotherapy.
She has also had relatively little pain, which we have all been thankful to God for.
She has had approximately 55 blood transfusions during her battle with cancer, which I’m pretty sure legally makes her a vampire.
It says so in the Constitution.
But seriously, please donate blood. Mom would not have survived this long without the precious blood transfusions she’s received.
Over the weekend, my mom was admitted to the hospital. She had been weak and experiencing a lot of pain. They ran some tests and determined that she was bleeding out internally, partially due to the cancer spreading and growing, and partially due to the Coumadin she was taking for a blood clot that had recently developed in her leg. They decided to keep her in the hospital for a few days, and give her some blood. They ran more tests.
Her oncologist came in after her CT scan and said that the cancer is worse and spreading, and at this point, the chemo is doing more harm than good. She told my mom it was time to stop the chemo and focus on quality of life versus quantity. They also stopped the Coumadin when she was admitted and decided they weren’t going to restart that and would take their chances with the blood clot, which is the least of her worries at this point. They were able to get the bleeding under control, and get her blood counts up enough that she was able to be discharged home.
The doctor wants her to start hospice.
My mom is 66.
Never smoked.
Never had a drop of alcohol.
The woman is a SAINT!
She has been a wonderful mom and an even better grandma to my kids.
She is one of the nicest persons I know, and not just because she is my mom.
Now, my teenage self might have disagreed with that last statement, but only because he was kind of a dick.
Most people, who know my mom, love her.
She is a special person.
The kind that would give you the shirt off her own back. Not that you would want her to take her shirt off. You pervert!
Describing my mom to those who don’t know her is no easy task. I think that those who do know her would agree with this list of traits:
Highly intelligent, very quick-witted, humorous, big hearted, great moral compass, very compassionate, outgoing, cheerful, excellent judge of character and yet not judgmental, woman of strong faith, humble, on and on and on.
I really can’t even begin to list all her good traits.
So let me list a few of the bad……..Just kidding.
She’s wonderful.
The number of lives my mom has touched in her short time here is innumerable.  And really, even she has no idea.
She has been a witness and an inspiration throughout her battle with this disease to those that know her.
She has never whined or complained or gotten angry with God.
And her concern for the well-being of others has never wavered.
For example:
When my mom was admitted, they put her in Peds because all the other beds were full. The place eventually emptied out, and on the last day my mom was there, it was only her and some 16 year old kid. The 16 year old ended up getting the same news my mom got. The old, “I’m sorry, there’s nothing else we can do. You just have to go home and wait to die” talk. My mom was devastated for HIM. Everybody that came to see her after that, she asked them to pray for that 16 year old. Not her.
THAT is the type of woman my mom is.
And although I am not giving up on her yet, and am in no hurry for her life to end, I am cherishing every moment she has left.
I told my sisters, the time for tears will come after she is gone.
 Now, we laugh.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Wacky News And Funny Stuff From The Internetz


There has been some wacky news stories of late. You'll have to look them up for yourself, but let me summarize here:
1. A young blond model was horribly and tragically disfigured when she walked into the turning propellor of an airplane. This story is terrible and I'm ashamed for laughing. But I did.

2. A Southern California couple returning home was nearly beaten to death by a naked body-builder who had camped out on their front porch in a steriod induced rage. Hulk SMASH!

3. A Detroit mother of 6 traded in her $96,000 home for a $6,000 mini-van with 86,000 miles on it. That is one HELL of a used car salesman.


Here's some stuff from the web that made me laugh over the last week or so.


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