Recently, I had the pleasure of dealing with a Customer Service Rep for AT&T via chat.
It went something like this:
Christine M.: Thank you for choosing AT&T Premier. You are a valued customer! How may I assist you today?
Me: Blah, blah, blah. Well, for starters, you can quit blowing smoke up my ass. It makes it hard for the gerbil to breathe.
Christine M.: Did you have a specific question about devices or plans today?
Me: Well, I don’t know if you’d call it a ‘specific’ question. It more of a ‘WTF ARE ALL THESE ADD ON CHARGES AND CHEESE&RICE I JUST WANT TO UPGRADE MY PHONE NOT EARN A DOCTORATE IN ACCOUNTING’ type situation.
Christine M.: So that I may better assist you, can you verify the FULL NAME and Last Four numbers of the primary account holder’s social security number? Or even your account passcode?
Me: Suuuurrrreee! And why don’t I co-sign for that new car for you while I’m at it?!
Christine M.: Sir, it will allow me to access your account to better assist you.
Me: Whatever you say, ‘Christine M.’ I bet the ‘M’ stands for Madoff. Say ‘Hi’ to your dad Bernie for me.
Christine M.: If you won’t allow me to access you’re account, I’m not sure that I can assist you today.
Me: There’s no reason to get testy, Christine. Geesh! Whatever happened to the customer is always right and handsomely good-looking?
Christine M.: ….
Me: Fine. Here’s my info (xxxxgives infoxxxx). If you steal my identity, I will find you!
Christine M.: Thank you, Sir. Please wait while I pull up your account.
Christine M.: Okay, I see you currently have 3 lines on the (overpricedfamily) plan with (hardlyany) minutes, and (useless) added features. And your current devices are (morecellphonewords). Is that correct?
Me: Sorry, I feel asleep during that last part. Last I heard, you were going to pull something up, and then my mind started to wonder. Never mind about what, you perv. Just get on with the cellphone stuff.
Christine M.: You originally said you wanted to upgrade your current device, right?
Me: That’s why I called you…through chat.
Christine M.: Okay. Go here and do this and this and that and this and look at this and select that and click on this and you’ll see your options.
Me: I’m already there. That’s the page I’ve been on.
Christine M.: Okay. Once you select the device you want, do this and this and that.
Me: I’ve done that. Here’s my issue…
Christine M.: Okay. Well, if you don’t see what you want there, you can click on the more options tab at the top.
Me: Would you hold on a freakin’ second? Damn, speedracer! You might want to switch to Decaf!
Me: As I was saying, I need a new phone, but I don’t want a refurb…
Christine M.: You can click the NEW box to eliminate the refurb phones.
Me: I’ve done that already. I wasn’t finished with my question yet!
Me: I currently have unlimited data/text, but not a smart phone. All the good (NEW) phones are smart phones. I don’t want to add an extra $50 a month to my plan just for a smart phone…
Christine M.: There are non-smartphones available, but most are refurbs. However, if you switch to smart phones, you’ll have a lot more options.
Me: I’m seriously going to crawl through this screen and unplug your keyboard! Quit telling me shit I already know! I’m saying I don’t want to increase my bill another $50 a phone just for a ‘smartphone’ when I already have unlimited data & text.
Christine M.: The smartphone option would only add $15 for each phone to your plan. Plus it replaces your current data plan. So really, it would only change your bill about $10.
Me: Okay, fuzzy math lady, price me out a plan similar to the one I have: 3 lines, 700 minutes shared family plan, with unlimited text, but with smart phones for me and the wife, and a real basic phone for the kiddo.
Christine M.: I am sorry, Sir, but we don’t quote pricing online. If you would like information on pricing, you can call (1-800-ATT-LAME) Mon-Sat between the hours of (Noon and Never).
Ed: CHRISTINE! Seriously! You are NO HELP!
Christine M: I’m sorry Sir. I really wish I could help, but they don’t allow us to give out pricing information online. I can only assist you in navigating the Premier site.
Ed: I’m not some old lady who needs a Boy Scout to cross the damn road! I swear, I am this--->[__] close to going back to using tin cans and a string. If it wasn’t for the increase in string prices and the lawsuits for clothes-lining people, I already would have.
Christine M.: I’m sorry Sir. Is there anything I can help you with today?
Ed: You tell me, because so far it doesn’t seem like it. Any recommendations? Other than calling someone else?
Christine M.: I truly am sorry Sir.
Ed: Don’t be. I was just giving you a hard time. You’ve been great. Thanks for your time and info. You have a great day.
Christine M.: You too, Sir.
See how I brought it home there at the end? A pleasant closing ALWAYS makes up for being a dick. It's the law. Or Science. Something like that.