Tuesday, September 20, 2011

The One Where I Give AT&T The Business

Recently, I had the pleasure of dealing with a Customer Service Rep for AT&T via chat.
It went something like this:
Christine M.: Thank you for choosing AT&T Premier. You are a valued customer! How may I assist you today?
Me: Blah, blah, blah. Well, for starters, you can quit blowing smoke up my ass. It makes it hard for the gerbil to breathe.
Christine M.: Did you have a specific question about devices or plans today?
Me: Well, I don’t know if you’d call it a ‘specific’ question. It more of a ‘WTF ARE ALL THESE ADD ON CHARGES AND CHEESE&RICE I JUST WANT TO UPGRADE MY PHONE NOT EARN A DOCTORATE IN ACCOUNTING’ type situation.
Christine M.: So that I may better assist you, can you verify the FULL NAME and Last Four numbers of the primary account holder’s social security number? Or even your account passcode?
Me: Suuuurrrreee! And why don’t I co-sign for that new car for you while I’m at it?!
Christine M.: Sir, it will allow me to access your account to better assist you.
Me: Whatever you say, ‘Christine M.’ I bet the ‘M’ stands for Madoff. Say ‘Hi’ to your dad Bernie for me.
Christine M.: If you won’t allow me to access you’re account, I’m not sure that I can assist you today.
Me: There’s no reason to get testy, Christine. Geesh! Whatever happened to the customer is always right and handsomely good-looking?
Christine M.: ….
Me: Fine. Here’s my info (xxxxgives infoxxxx). If you steal my identity, I will find you!
Christine M.: Thank you, Sir. Please wait while I pull up your account.
Christine M.: Okay, I see you currently have 3 lines on the (overpricedfamily) plan with (hardlyany) minutes, and (useless) added features.  And your current devices are (morecellphonewords). Is that correct?
Me: Sorry, I feel asleep during that last part. Last I heard, you were going to pull something up, and then my mind started to wonder. Never mind about what, you perv. Just get on with the cellphone stuff.
Christine M.: You originally said you wanted to upgrade your current device, right?
Me: That’s why I called you…through chat.
Christine M.: Okay. Go here and do this and this and that and this and look at this and select that and click on this and you’ll see your options.
Me: I’m already there. That’s the page I’ve been on.
Christine M.: Okay. Once you select the device you want, do this and this and that.
Me: I’ve done that. Here’s my issue…
Christine M.: Okay. Well, if you don’t see what you want there, you can click on the more options tab at the top.
Me: Would you hold on a freakin’ second? Damn, speedracer! You might want to switch to Decaf!
Me: As I was saying, I need a new phone, but I don’t want a refurb…
Christine M.: You can click the NEW box to eliminate the refurb phones.
Me:  I’ve done that already. I wasn’t finished with my question yet!
Me: I currently have unlimited data/text, but not a smart phone. All the good (NEW) phones are smart phones. I don’t want to add an extra $50 a month to my plan just for a smart phone…
Christine M.: There are non-smartphones available, but most are refurbs. However, if you switch to smart phones, you’ll have a lot more options.
Me: I’m seriously going to crawl through this screen and unplug your keyboard! Quit telling me shit I already know! I’m saying I don’t want to increase my bill another $50 a phone just for a ‘smartphone’ when I already have unlimited data & text.
Christine M.: The smartphone option would only add $15 for each phone to your plan. Plus it replaces your current data plan. So really, it would only change your bill about $10.
Me: Okay, fuzzy math lady, price me out a plan similar to the one I have: 3 lines, 700 minutes shared family plan, with unlimited text, but with smart phones for me and the wife, and a real basic phone for the kiddo.
Christine M.: I am sorry, Sir, but we don’t quote pricing online. If you would like information on pricing, you can call (1-800-ATT-LAME) Mon-Sat between the hours of (Noon and Never).
Ed: L
Ed: CHRISTINE! Seriously! You are NO HELP!
Christine M: I’m sorry Sir. I really wish I could help, but they don’t allow us to give out pricing information online. I can only assist you in navigating the Premier site.
Ed: I’m not some old lady who needs a Boy Scout to cross the damn road! I swear, I am this--->[__] close to going back to using tin cans and a string. If it wasn’t for the increase in string prices and the lawsuits for clothes-lining people, I already would have.
Christine M.: I’m sorry Sir. Is there anything I can help you with today?
Ed: You tell me, because so far it doesn’t seem like it. Any recommendations? Other than calling someone else?
Christine M.: I truly am sorry Sir.
Ed: Don’t be. I was just giving you a hard time. You’ve been great. Thanks for your time and info. You have a great day.
Christine M.: You too, Sir.

See how I brought it home there at the end? A pleasant closing ALWAYS makes up for being a dick. It's the law. Or Science. Something like that.


The Vegetable Assassin said...


How about you do this.

A) buy a smart phone ELSEWHERE for retail, you can get some good deals and you'll own it outright and it won't affect your plan AT ALL

b) Unlock it or have it unlocked. It's fairly easy to find a place to do it. I had it done myself lately.

c) put your current SIM into that phone and voila! you still have your unlimited everything plan you currently have.

d) If your lady wants one do the same for her.

Is that hard? Do it. Sure you have to pay out for the phones but you'll own it and it won't affect your plan. see?

Pearl said...

I miss the days when you just bought one phone, plugged it into those holes in teh kitchen, and you were done with it.



Angie said...

No offense Ed but I think the Vegetable Assassin just schooled you and I like her all the more for it and I'm going to take her advice and try it myself! :D

Pat said...

I feel your pain. I had a go around with AT&T, too. Had to deal with a hard-to-understand customer service rep. I was explaining that I wanted to bring my phone to a nearby store, and even went so far as to tell her the street it was located on, when I had that I-could-of-had-a-V8-moment and slapped my head and thought "WTF - this person is in INDIA! She has NO IDEA where Randall Road is!"

Dealing with them almost makes you want to slit your wrists. ALMOST.

Coffeypot said...

At least you got to talk to a live person. I have to push buttons and then the tell me if I want to talk to a live person to hang up and call my wife. Assholes.

Mary said...

I love the online customer service chat options...Especially when it's SaHib on the other end. I always correct the bad grammer, it flusters them to no end...try it some time, it's funny. (and I have bad grammer)
Hope the issues get straightened out...


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