Monday, March 28, 2011

Something new-ish from Old Guy Office Mate!

Taking a cue from my old buddy (and I mean OLD!) Coffeypot, I decided to do something here that I rarely ever do.
I know you’re thinking, “What’s that? Be funny?”
But to you I say, “Ha! Nice one, Assmunch!......NO, I’m always funny, but I thought I would copy and paste something that someone else sent me.”
And that someone is the NOW RETIRED Old Guy Office Mate!
Actually, he retired in August, and has spent the ensuing months repeatedly crashing his personal computer.
But he is FINALLY back up and running and forwarding me mostly trash, but occasionally funny stuff like this:

I had just come out of the store with a meat & potato pie, large chips, mushy peas, and a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man was sitting there and said, “I have not eaten for two days”.
I told him, “I wish I had your fucking willpower!’

Tip: If you’re camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because of the heat, she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it is NOT necessarily an invitation for casual sex.
Wish me luck; I appear in court next Monday.

I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse. Apparently the instruction ‘finish off on her face’ didn’t mean what I thought it did.

A fat girl was serving me food at McDonalds during Lunch Time the other day.
She said, “Sorry about the wait.”
I said, “Don’t worry, Fatty! You’re bound to lose it eventually!”

There is Snow in the Forecast. The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight.
I thought to myself, “Fat chance with a face like that!”

Years ago there was a common saying of “An apple a day keeps the doctor away.”
But since all the doctors now seem to be Muslim, I’ve found that a bacon sandwich works best.

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name 2 things commonly found in cells.
Apparently ‘Blacks’ and ‘Mexicans’ were not the correct answers.

Well, there you have it. Some slightly offensive stuff from Old Guy!
I’ll be back with a real post later this week.


Momma Fargo said...

You stooped to Coffey's level...unbelievable!

Orange jail suits are not your color

Pat said...

But I bet you'd look pretty in pink! In Maricopa County, AZ Sheriff Joe is notorious for making his prisoners wear pink prison outfits, eat bologna sandwiches and only watch PBS on TV. The public love him out here!

But I gotta admit, I loved some of these jokes. You can guess which ones!

Anonymous said...

Computer keeps crashing, eh? Must be all the pron he's downloading.

Anonymous said...

The camping one had me laughing out loud. haha. Thanks for cheering me up after my run in with an asshat in a parking lot! Grr.

Coffeypot said...

How do you like it down here as a cut-n-paster? It’s all us untalented peeps have to offer. But that is some of the funniest shit I have read in a while. Good post, you young whippersnapper.

Tony Van Helsing said...

A bloke comes home from work and finds his wife in bed with his best mate. He drags his mate to the garage and sticks his cock and balls in a vice, tightens the vice and removes the handle. He picks a knife and his mate pleads "Oh Christ no, don't cut it off"! The guy then hands him the knife and says, "I'm not cutting it off, I'm setting fire to the garage".

Kage said...

bwahaha! i can't believe those were the wrong answers for the biology exam...

Anonymous said...

I'm pretty sure that the level of offensiveness is directly related to the amount of funny.

WhisperingWriter said...

I'm definately amused!

Anonymous said...

Ha! The McDonalds one cracked me up.


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