Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Part 2 of Bowling Post....Ed vs. The Masochistic X-Ray Tech

After the x-ray tech yanked off my sock and I shouted, “Jesus Christ, LADY!”

...I was greeted with this...

And that is when the real fun began:

Me: “Holy shit! Would you look at that sucker?! It didn't look like that at the bowling alley!”
X-ray Tech: “Yeah. Sometimes the really bad ones take awhile to puff up.”
Me: “Well, it's doing a good job of it now. So, where do you want me?”
X-ray Tech: “I need to have you up here on this table.”
Me: “That's what she said.”
X-ray Tech: *blink, blink*
Me: *hoisting self out of wheelchair and up on table*
X-ray Tech: “Okay, I need to have you place your foot flat on the table, so you might need to bend your knee:”
Me: “Okay” *grimacing and trying to flatten out foot*
X-ray Tech: “Flatter. All the way down.”
Me: “I'm trying.”
X-ray Tech: *pushes my foot down flat*
Me: “Ouch. Damn it!”
X-ray Tech: “I know it hurts, honey.”
Me: “And THAT'S why you pushed down on it?!?!”
X-ray Tech: “Ok. Hold still right there.” *goes in cubbie and makes machine buzz*
X-ray Tech: “Good. Now, I need you to put the inside edge of your foot flat on the table.”
Me: “Okay.” *slowly positioning foot*
X-ray Tech: *pushing on my foot*
Me: “Damn!”
X-ray Tech: “There. Hold still.” *back in cubbie, more buzzing*
X-ray Tech: “Now, straighten out your leg all the way and point your toes straight out”
Me: *grrrrrrr*
X-ray Tech: “Good. Hold still” *cubbie. Buzz, buzz*
X-Ray Tech: “Now, I need you to point your toes straight up. Like you're pulling your foot back towards you.”
Me: “Okay.”
X-ray Tech: *Pushing up on the bottom of my foot*
Me: “What the hell, lady? Are you some kind of masochist?”
X-ray Tech: “No.” *snickering*
Me: “Bullshit. I bet you love your job.”
X-ray Tech: *ignoring me*“Hold that right there” *more cubbie and buzzing*
X-ray Tech: “Okay, I need you to lay your foot on the outside edge.”
Me: *shifting and trying* “Ouch”
X-ray Tech: “Further. Keep going. All the way over”
Me: “That's is far as its going.”
X-ray Tech: “I know that's the sore side, but you have to go further over.”
Me: *trying*
X-ray Tech: “Good. Hold it.” *buzz*
X-ray Tech: “Okay. Now, back on the inside edge, but not as far flat.”
Me: *positioning foot*
X-ray Tech: *yanking foot where she wants it*
Me: “Shit! Stop helping me!”
X-ray Tech: “I'm not trying to hurt you.”
Me: “Well, if that's the case, you FAILED!”
X-ray Tech: “Just hold still.” *back to cubbie and buzzing*
X-ray Tech: “Okay, we are almost done. Last one. Unfortunately, its back on your sore side.”
Me: “Oh sure! Why not! Why don't you just rip the motherfucker off and position it however way you want?!”
X-ray Tech: *laughing* “That's good enough right there. Hold that.” *more buzzing*
X-ray Tech: “Okay. We're all done. The pictures look excellent. You can relax and put your foot where ever you want.”
Me: “How about I put it up your fucking ass?!”
X-ray Tech: “Hahahaha, I'm not sure that would feel very good for you.”
Me: “Oh, I don't know that I would say that.”
X-ray Tech: “Hahahaha, you're pretty funny. Especially for being in as much pain as you must be .”
Me: “Yeah, I'm sorry. I don't mean anything by it. I just like to joke around. It's how I deal with pressure and stress.”
X-ray Tech: “Well, now I'm feeling a little stressed.”
Me: “Good. Then that means I succeeded in passing mine off to you. Enjoy!”

Back to the ER.


The PA comes in and says, “Well, I have some bad news and worse news.”

I love it when they don't even attempt to sugarcoat it.

He says, “It is broke. That's the bad news. The worse news is that...well...the two bones in your lower leg form like a U-shape that surrounds the ankle joint. Your Fibula side of the U is broken, leaving just the Tibia side. Now, the Tibia side is the weight bearing side, but without the Fibula side there, the whole ankle is unstable. So we'll probably splint it and have you see an Orthopedic Surgeon.”
Me: “Geez. So, does that mean surgery?”
PA: “It means that the Orthopedic Surgeon will have to look at it and decide if it needs surgery. So, who would you like to see?”
Me: “I don't know. Let me do some checking around and get back to you on that.”

My brother-in-law said: “Dang dude. I feel sorry for you. I wish this wouldn't have happened.”
I said, “I just wish it would have happened to you instead. It's the least you could do since I let you bone my sister.”

I made some calls to family to get opinions on available docs, and decided that the Ortho on call was actually the one I wanted anyway and told the PA.

He came by later to tell me that the on call Ortho pulled up my films on his computer at home and said it looked intact enough that it didn't need surgery and should heal fine.

Later, they came by to tell me (interrupting my watching Avatar on my brother-in-laws iphone, the nerve of them!) that they were putting me in a temporary splint until the swelling went down, after which the Ortho would see me in his office for a regular cast.

I said, “Well, lets get this show on the road. I've got places to be. I need to finish my game. I left during just the 3rd frame.”

They wrapped me up, gave me some Loritab and crutches, and sent me on my way.

4 hours later.

So much for the new ER Fast Track.

As the nurse was wheeling me out, she almost ran my leg into a post.

Me: “Look, if you run me into a post, we are gonna have problems.”
Nurse: “I'm a good driver.”
Me: “I saw that when you almost took my leg off a second ago.”
Nurse: “Ha. What's wrong? Don't trust a woman driver?”
Me: “Well, I was gonna say something about that, but since you're still driving me, I figured I'd wait until we got there first.”
Nurse: “Ha.”

Then she almost shoved me into the side of my brother-in-laws truck.

I said, “There you go again. Proving those stereotypes right.”

Then we left, got my script filled, and grabbed a pizza.

I proceeded to sleep for the next 18 hrs or so.

Fun times.


Coffeypot said...

You medical types make the worst patients. Thank God you are not a profesioal soccer player.

Matty said...

I sure hope you threw a strike in that frame to make all this worth it.

At least you kept your sense of humor throughout everything. Look at the silver lining here....now you have more time for blogging.

Speedy recovery.

BlackLOG said...

This is going to sound a little harsh but “You whimp”, Mrs B broke the same bone* skiing last year (a far more conventional sport for breaking bones). Not only did she ski down afterwards (ok, a lot of it was on her bottom and she was swearing like a drunken sailor) but continued to walk (or should that be limp, pathetically) for two weeks before I forced her to go to the doctors. On the bright side your foot looks like it had swallowed the balling ball, which under an obscure bowling rule (I just made it up, but don’t tell anyone and you might get away with it) If your foot swallows a ball you automatically are awarded the game and as much Chuck-E-Cheese's as you can throw up in a confined space.

*Ok it was not exactly the same bone because that would mean that you shared a leg….

P.S What I intended to say was ouch, hope it mends soon ….

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Well that all sounds LOVELY. Ugh.

I smashed the arch bone in my foot in about 300 places when I was a kid and it required several surgeries and months on crutches to put it back together again. Even now I get twinges in it and I have a really attractive lump on the top of one foot, not to mention two giant scars and a limp when it's humid. So I sympathize, truly. But look on the bright side. You get to sit around for a while having people run around after you. What's not to like?

Feel better, dude! Or at least milk it for sympathy. :)

Anonymous said...

Your ankle almost made me throw up in my mouth. Ick! As somebody who has broken both legs (only once at the ankle) I know how much it blows. I hate those damend xray techs...but my real beef is that they can see you are injured...would it kill them to give you the good shit prior to bending it all around!? Give me a damned vicodin then you can twist it 7 ways from Sunday-not before you evil assholes!

Oh well-rest up, ice it, feel better! If memory serves I didn't enjoy that shit much-but I was also in 5th grade and a pretty cranky kid at being "kept down" as my mother put it.

Anonymous said...

That really sucks, dude. As someone who has broken his ankle in the past—under silly circumstances—I can completely relate. I might have to tell that story sometime soon.

Get better soon.

karen said...

X Ray techs do work for satan, didn't you know? LMAO! Poor guy, I've been there..."turn this way, turn that way." Hey, if I could turn this way or that way I wouldn't be here!
Rest up, hoping you're semi-pain free.


otherworldlyone said...

Damn, Ed. Are you sure you didn't just break it for comedic purposes?

Just checking.

X-ray Tech: “Ok. Hold still right there.” *goes in cubbie and makes machine buzz*

...I swear to god, I read that as "goes in chubbie" the first go round. Sigh.

My SPP Playdates said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
vickilikesfrogs said...

How could I not follow someone who broke his ankle bowling of all things?

Busted Kate said...

That foot looks like a zombie foot. Are you sure it's broken, and not that you got bit by a zombie? I'd like to reassure you this isn't a concern, but science proves otherwise:

Kage said...

i didn't realize bowling was a contact sport! were you trying to kick the ball down the lane?


oh wait, shit. someone already said that.

i hope you feel better soon!

pis.s. and if you do, can i have your pain meds?

Phillipia said...

I thing I asked for the extra pain meds before Kage...or at least I meant to...

I hope you feel like bowling again soon...or trying a different, less vicious sport (like football).

Anonymous said...

Damn. You know, it was karma for making fun of the kids in Africa who need laptops. lol

I hope you are being a good patient! Your poor wife. Taking care of a man who has a man cold is bad enough, but taking care of a man with a broken leg? Ugh!

OK - seriously though - Hope it heals up quick!

Pat said...

Poor baby. Now I suppose you expect your wife to wait on you "HAND" and "FOOT". You bastard.

Momma Fargo said...

Did you think you were going to get out of that government work with that? Have the ladies at the office feel bad for you and wait on you...run your errands...do your copying?

Hell, you will probably sit at your desk playing solitaire, gchat, email, and write blog posts. Oh wait, you do that anyway.

I guess it will be status quo.

Alex said...

High heels and Jaeger shots will give you the same effect ( as per my bday party 3 weeks ago).

No broken bones, but drunken ER at 3am, drunken xrays at 11am (booze doesn't wear off as quickly when you're old).

2 weeks no walking. When if you live in a 3 storey house with toddlers is...awkward, to say the least.

When if you live with a smart ass husband who told you not to go out with your girlfriends may or may not have been right.

Until he comes homes home from basketball with a ripped open EYELID and 7 stitches.

Marriage is fun.
Get better soon.

Christina_the_wench said...

I have a broken 5th metatarsil right now. (hubby shouldn't piss me off and he wouldn't get kicked. I get a bone stimulator today to help the healing.

Sounds promising if you ask me. ;)


Humor & Funny Blogs - BlogCatalog Blog Directory