Wednesday, February 9, 2011

"What's Wrong With This World, Momma?"...The Black Eyed Peas Are Right!

Why I hate the News
Me: “We should watch the news. We have no idea what’s going on in the world. UNLESS it shows up on Facebook.”
Newscaster: “Tonight’s news….Blah blah blah…..MURDER…DEATH…BAD ECONOMY…RAPE…BABY IN A DUMPSTER…”
Me: “Holy crap!”
Newscaster: “More MURDER….MORE DEATH…WORSE ECONOMY….MORE RAPE….MORE BABIES IN A DUMPSTER!’
Me: “JESUS, this is depressing! Surely it’s got to get better!”
Newscaster: “EVERYONES DEAD!.....THEY ARE KILLING EACH OTHER AND THEMSELVES!....AND GETTING FIRED OR LAID OFF…..THEY ARE RAPING ANYTHING THAT MOVES, AND SOME THINGS THAT DON’T…..AND DUMPSTERS HAVE BECOME VIRTUAL NURSERIES!!!”
Me: “This sucks! I hate the news! Where’s the feel good stuff?! I can’t wait for the weather!”

Weatherman: “IT’S GOING TO BE THE STORM OF THE CENTURY!....40% OF THE COUNTRY WILL BE EFFECTED….MASS POWER OUTAGES….NO BREAD OR MILK ANYWHERE!”
Me: “What the (bleep)?!”
Weatherman: “……PEOPLE WILL DIE!....BUT AT LEAST IT’LL BE TOO COLD TO RAPE!”
Me: *blink,blink*
Weatherman: “The weekend forecast is more of the same…Or not….I really have no idea…I get paid to guess.”
Me: “Geez! I can’t wait for sports! You can’t mess up sports!”

Sportscaster: “Tonight on Sports…..BRETT FAVRE’S PENIS!.....REX RYAN'S FOOT FETISH VIDEOS!”
Me: “THAT’S IT!  I GIVE UP!...............I’m turning it back to Nick Jr.”

17 comments:

otherworldlyone said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SBBe0X813z4

You're welcome.

Coffeypot said...

Now I know what you do in your meetings at work. I slept through mine. You come up with blogging ideas. But you look tired.

The Princess of Sarcasm said...

Facebook and Twitter are the new CNN....

Forgotten said...

LMAO!!!

This is exactly why I'm glad I don't have cable...

WhisperingWriter said...

LOL!

But Nick Jr has the creepy Yo Gabba Gabbas. One of which looks like a penis with warts.

hotpants™ said...

This is why I'm ok with iCarly being on 24/7. No rapes or toilet babies on there.

Today, on the local news, they talked about a local child sex offender in PRISON who is sending letters and cards to his VICTIMS that are CHILDREN. The fuck??!!

Jewels said...

The most recent news in my little corner of the world...3 30 yr olds from England fly into Philly International Airport to get black market plastic surgery in a hotel room and one dies. Apparently they wanted ass injections and injecting commercial grade silicone directly into ones ass can be deadly...who woulda guessed. It's a sick world...which is why I avoid the news at all costs.

The Blue Zoo said...

Yep, thats why i dont watch the news. It sucks!

the news is worse than any scary movie out there.

Tamara aka Cheapskate Mom said...

I agree. Brett Favre's penis was pretty damn scary!

I don't watch the news either. Once in a while I do, but then I regret it immediately. Ignorance is bliss and Nick Jr is way better than Sprout. I can't stand that bald headed Caillou or however that brat's name is spelled!

Dorn said...

My wife's been watching "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" on Netflix streaming here lately. 4 out of 5 times a week when I come home she's watching it. I asked her how many seasons there were (5, wtf, how?) and said, "damnit, this will never end huh?" She's on the 4th season! How has she had time to consume 4 seasons of anything?

All of that was to say, I'll take your murder and Coach's foot fetishes any day. They've got Favre's penis, rape and dumpster babies on every other episode, so you know...

Lisa said...

that was great and so very true!!

PBJdreamer said...

"PEOPLE WILL DIE!....BUT AT LEAST IT’LL BE TOO COLD TO RAPE!”


FABULOUS

I heart you


that is all

Lady Ohlala said...

Lol and lol again!

I'm gonna have to print this post and keep it in my bag. This way, next time I'm asked why I don't watch more TV or the news, or read more newspapers, I'll save myself the hassle of getting (AGAIN) into an annoying conversation (where they're trying to cast me as the dumb part) by just passing over your brilliant explanation.

Says it all, nothing to add.

Sandra said...

Too cold to rape! haha! The funny thing is, when I go running at night in the winter, that thought does cross my mind: well at least I won't get raped. Who'd want to rape me in the snow and ice...

Sarah P said...

Absolutely.

Every time that song comes on my iPod while I'm on the elliptical at the gym, the TVs are always tuned to some cable news show about disaster and murder.

And, because the Black Eyed Peas seem really deep when you're high on endorphins, I'm all, "Speak on it, Will.i.am. Speak on it."

Momma Fargo said...

LMAO. It's unfortunate that you are so accurate. I'm tuning into Bret Favre's penis right now.

Paige said...

why why why why am i just finding your blog now?!?

BlogCatalog

Humor & Funny Blogs - BlogCatalog Blog Directory