Friday, October 22, 2010

NEWS FLASH: Al Queda Acquires Weapons Of Mass Destruction By Claiming Responsibility For Public Schools

Al Queda does not need to get a hold of weapons of mass destruction.
They just need to claim credit for the public school systems.
Schools are like little germ factories with built in delivery systems.
Every year, millions of unsuspecting parents send their little kids off to school to get an education, only to have little Johnny or little Suzy (or nowadays more like little Jacob or Emily, but in five years will probably be little Edward or Bella), return home a carrier of “the Plague”.
The poor teachers are usually the first victims of this outbreak.
But honestly, society already accepts them to be collateral damage.
We just wish they would keep that yuck on the playground.
About a week and a half ago, my 6 year old returned home from first grade with a rare advance warning.
He informed us that “everyone at school has been getting sick.”
Evidently, it was bad enough that the computer teacher felt the need to give them the following instruction, “If you’re going to barf, aim away from the keyboards.”
Although I can appreciate her concern for the protection of delicate taxpayer-purchased merchandise (actually it was grant purchased, but grants are funded with tax money, so that’s just a 3 cup & marble game), I am disturbed by the fact that such common knowledge of an outbreak wasn’t passed on to the parents.
Maybe on one of those bright colored fliers that they so readily send home when it’s time to purchase another T-shirt with your kid’s artwork on it.
Here’s my dilemma:
Last Thursday night/Friday Morning….the two year old started vomiting. Then followed it with 24+hours of diarrhea.
Saturday night/Sunday Morning….It was the wife’s turn. Here’s the kicker, not only is she the main care giver of the family, but also was the first to experience the SEVERE joint pain that accompanied this nasty virus in adults effected by it.
Sunday night/Monday morning….The 11 year old was stricken, much to his delight, since he was able to milk missing two days of school out of it. His mother and I were not quite as happy about his illness, mainly due to him being too lazy to attempt making it to the restroom beforehand.  A feat even his 2 year old sister managed.  Instead he covered his whole bed in chunky chunks, as well as an entire box of some 300 hot wheels.
Tuesday night/Wednesday morning…Yours truly was blessed. I had been DILIGENT in hand washing, disinfecting, cleansing, and scouring. But it was all for naught.  The joint pain was the WORST. Like gout, but all over.  
Funny story:
While lying in the bedroom the next day, trying to recover, I began to smell a stench that continually grew stronger and stronger until I thought I would resume the vomiting that had ceased the night before.
I was sure the 2 year old had snuck into the bedroom with a messy diaper, and even yelled her name a couple times to tell to her to leave. When it continued to grow stronger, I yelled to the wife to inquire as to the baby’s whereabouts, only to learn she was in another part of the house.
I then began assuming the dog had somehow acquired this human illness and had shat somewhere inside.
Finally, I could no longer remain in my present location and went to search out the rest of the family.
Upon leaving the bedroom, I was noticed that to smell seemed confined to that area of the house. I told the wife of my findings, and she took it upon herself to verify their correctness.
Her verdict? 
The bedroom did smell like hot death served over a warm ass, but it was just the bedroom.
And since I was the only one present in there, I must be the culprit.
It was then that I remembered passing gas earlier.
...
You know its sickness when you are driven away by your own stink.
It actually made the local dairy farm smell like expensive perfume.
...
Guess who hasn’t been sick yet?
Yep….The 6 year old carrier.
Little terrorist.

13 comments:

Moooooog35 said...

you know it's a keeper when you can smell it yourself.

I was talking about the kids..not the gas.

But I think it's applicable to both.

alicia said...

OMG - Ed you had me laughing so hard.. Everyone in my little office came runnign to see what was goign on & why I had tears rolling down my face... Thank you for makign this Friday at work even better ... Alicia :)

Matty said...

Dang, I'm sick just reading this. And I think that washing hands thing is way overrated. If you're gonna get sick, you're gonna get sick.

Beta Dad said...

My kids are never going to school. No good can come of it.

Fred Miller said...

I may never eat again.

dufmanno said...

I love it when the assault comes in rolling waves of terror.
You know you won't be escaping it so you lie in wait for your time.
Also, I CANNOT wait to tell someone they smell like hot death served over a warm ass. That is the best thing I've ever heard.

The Blue Zoo said...

Yuck. Just yuck!

Coffeypot said...

When my daughter came home sick, we put her up in a motel till she died or get to feeling better. Good plan, but the problem was, she came home first. We always got sick and had to stay in the motel, too.

No! Not really.

DiPaola Momma said...

"hot deal served over a warm ass" Hello, Food Network? I think we've found your next STAH!

Pat said...

I have "sympathy" vomiting, so whenever the kids puked, my husband had to deal with it. How nice of him.

Glad your family is feeling better. When everyone is back to par is when the 6 year will start upchucking. :)

WhisperingWriter said...

Oh ew.

My daughter was vomiting yesterday, probably from a bug she picked up at the ER. It was awful.

Momma Fargo said...

I know I shouldn't laugh at your dilemna, but I peed myself. Little terrorist. And please get bigger print for us oldies. For a minute I got a virus from your post and was going blind.

Trooper Thorn said...

It just goes to prove that other people are our biggest problem.

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