Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Don't Help The Discovery Channel In Your Dreams.

I had the strangest dream last night.

First, it was strange because I rarely ever dream.

I don’t mean that I have them and don’t remember them, although I’m sure that occasionally happens. No, I mean I DO NOT DREAM (except for the first year I was married and had that recurring dream of being on death row for a crime I didn’t commit.)

I just don’t dream.

Probably because I don’t sleep. I usually won’t fall asleep until about 2 or 3am. And then, I’ll have to wake up in time to be at work by 745am. So, I don’t think I ever actually enter REM sleep.

BUT, for some reason, the last 2 nights I have crashed around 830 or 9pm, and slept until the next morning.

Last night, I had this freaky dream. The kind that makes you wake up because your heart is racing and you swear it’s real. (Okay, I’ve had those before too. Also during the first year of marriage. And always that my wife was cheating on me with my best friend. I would wake up pissed, but always stopped short of punching her. Or holding the pillow over her face as tight as I wanted to.)

But this time was different.

I was helping film one of those Discovery Channel/Animal Planet shows I love.

This one was taking place on my street though.

It was night time.

And the shot was to have me running down the street.

While being chased by an angry Hippo!

Why I volunteered for this, I have no idea. Guess I never learned anything from my time in the NAVY (NAVY = Never Again Volunteer Yourself).

So cameras are rolling, and I take off like a bat out of hell down the street.

Now, if you know me, you know that because of my back, I don’t run so gracefully. Rather gallopy.

But I was like Carl Lewis.

I marveled at the long fluid strides. And the way my legs looked so muscular in the shadows on the road created by the passing street lights.


Cue the Hippo.

And the Discovery Channel/Animal Planet voice over guy.

The hippo is chasing, but it’s kind of slow.

I am kicking its ass!

Until the Voice Over Guy says, “The Hippopotamus is often thought of being a slow docile creature. But they are deceptively fast and highly territorial.”

Cue the Hippo with Nitros.

I’m thinking, “Thanks a lot, Voice Over Guy!”

But he goes on…

“They become very aggressive when angered, and are responsible for more human deaths each year in African than all other wildlife combined.”

Now I’m thinking, “Voice Over Guy is such an asshole!”

I’ve still got a good lead on the Hippo as I near my house.

But when I get to the door, it’s freaking locked.

Probably the 6 yr old playing a joke on Dad again.

I turn to see the Hippo barreling down the street like a fat girl at an All-You-Can-Eat rib buffet.

I quickly scamper up one of the maple trees out front, just as the Hippo enters the yard.

And then I wake up as I’m screaming, “CUT, DAMNIT, CUT!”

Later, I got curious, and looked it up on one of those stupid dream interpretation sites.

Here’s what I found:
Chase dreams are one of several common dream themes, stemming from feelings of anxiety in your waking life. Flee and flight is an instinctive response to a physical threat in the environment. In these dreams, the scenario features you being pursued by an attacker, an animal, a monster or an unknown figure, who wants to hurt or possibly kill you. Consequently, you run, you hide or you try to outwit your pursuer. Your actions in the dream parallel how you would respond to pressure and cope with fears, stress or various situations in your waking life. Instead of confronting the situation, your dream indicates that you have a tendency to run away and avoid the issue.

The pursuer or attacker who is chasing you in your dream may also represent an aspect of yourself. Your own feelings of anger, jealousy, fear, and possibly love, can manifest itself as the threatening figure. Or the shadowy figure can also symbolize rejected characteristics of yourself. You may be projecting these feelings onto the unknown chaser.

Consider the distance or gap between you and your pursuer. This indicates your closeness to the issue. If the pursuer is gaining on you, then it suggests that the problem is not going to go away. The problem will surround you until you confront and address it. However, if you are able to widen the gap between your pursuer, then you are able to successful distance yourself from the problem. In essence, the problem is fading away.

A more direct analysis of chase dreams is the fear of being attacked. Such dreams are more common among women than men, who may feel physically vulnerable in the urban environment. These dreams are often brought about by the media, who magnifies fears of violence and sexual assault.

To see a hippopotamus in your dream, symbolizes your aggressive nature and your hidden strengths. You have more influence and power than you realize. Alternatively, it indicates that you are being territorial. Perhaps someone is overstepping their boundaries.

So basically, I am of afraid of being sexually assaulted and eaten by a Hippo. And even though it was a dream, I’m just as likely to run away from the same real life situation.


Thanks Dream Interpreter thingy. NOW, I can sleep easily.


Coffeypot said...

So you had sex with a hippo, pervert, and she was chasing you for another stump-breaking experience. It happens. You know that 9 out of 10 doctors that have tried Camels have gone back to women? Try a woman, dude. They smell better.

Brutalism said...

I would not have taken you for a hippophobe.

The Demigoddess said...

I don't dream either because I sleep at 8 in the morning but I started having dreams again after I watched Inception.

I didn't know you have the hots for Hippos. My only interpretation is you are subconsciously attracted to plus size women and they manifested as Hippos in your dreams.

And LOL @Brutalism
I didn't know that word existed before today. Hippophobe. Classic.

Tiffany said...

this reminded me of my dad. he watches a lot of the animal shows and then dreams about it. my mom can't stand it b/c he acts out his dreams in his sleep. he once dreamt he was wrestling an alligator or something and shoved my mom out of bed b/c in his dream the alligator was about to attack her. so i guess it's nice, in a really annoying kind of way...

aladdinsane12 said...

i was totally going to wow you with the fact that hippos are the most dangerous African animal, but you beat me to it. you bastard. anyways, i think we all fear being sexually assaulted by hippos at one time or another...

Pat said...

You guys got it all wrong. Deep down, Ed here wants to do it with a fat girl. He's doing the old, "oh, I'm scared, I'm running away" routine, but really wanting the "hippo" wink, wink, to catch him.

Too bad this fat girl's taken. :)

Oliver said...

This is hilarious! I dream of very stupid things. One night I dreamed of being the apple in that Annoying Orange YouTube video and I woke up from the dream when I was about to be sliced and chopped.

And hey! I have a book that translates dreams. HAHAHA. It's cool. LOL.

So here's the entry on hippopotamus: It signifies a strong and dangerous rival. This animal, if it is in captivity (in a zoo), forecasts a period of frustration.

LOL. Kudos to that. XD

Tamara aka Cheapskate Mom said...

Hey look it's happy Ed! I missed happy Ed!!

uhmm wait

That sounds kind of dirrty

I'm referring to the cartoon Ed, for those of you who think I am talking about his wiener.

Because I most certainly have not seen Ed's wiener.

See because when I say it like that then it sounds like I have seen it.

Where was I? Oh yeah..

Oh and nice guns cartoon Ed!

carissajaded said...

So you've never been assaulted by a hippo? It's really not that bad. Or maybe I'm just thinking of a guy who looked like one.

I have weird dreams all the time and I don't sleep much. But maybe theyre alcohol witch visions. I'm drunk.

Kimi said...

Damn voice over guy. What a friggin douche!

I used to have a dream I was getting chase by a panther. After hearing your dream interpretation, I'm a little ashamed to admit it. Just sayin...

Momma Fargo said...

Disturbing. That's all I've got.

The Princess of Sarcasm said...

Was the hippo sexy?


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