Friday, May 7, 2010

Old Guy Office Mate: The Fitness GURU

Office Conversation

Coworker: “Hey!”
Me: “Hey girl!”
Old Guy Office Mate: “Hey yourself. What are you doing?”
Coworker: “Just coming bye to say ‘hi’.”
Me: “Cool.”
Coworker: “Yea. So, I’ve been riding my bike afterwork. Yesterday, I rode from my house to my mom’s, then to my uncle’s across town, then to the park and back.”
Me: “That’s good.”
Coworker: “Yea, except my ass is killing me now.”
OGOM: “No wonder! Look at the size of that thing!”
Coworker: ….blink, blink….
Me: …whince….
Coworker: “So yeah, I need to get a new seat for my bike.”
OGOM: “You NEED to go on a diet!”
Me: “Damn dude.”
Coworker: “I meant, that tiny bike seat hurts my ass.”
Me: “Just stick with it. You’ll get used to it. You’ll develop butt calluses.”
Coworker: “I don’t want calluses on my butt.”
Me: “Not really calluses. Only your muscles in that area will toughen up and you won’t even notice any discomfort after awhile.”
Coworker: “Nah. I just need a bigger seat.”
Me: “Do they make seats for black girl booties.”
Coworker: “Yea. They have some wider ones.”
OGOM: “Look, whatever you’re doing ain’t working.”
Me: “Geez dude.”
OGOM: “I’m just saying she should quit even trying.”
Coworker: “Why?”
OGOM: “Because you’re a big girl. That isn’t going to change from riding a bike.”
Me: “There’s nothing wrong with trying to take care of yourself.”
OGOM: “You don’t have to tell me that. I’ve lost 35 pounds in 45 days.”
Coworker: “That’s because it’s easier for guys to lose weight. They don’t have to deal with estrogen.”
OGOM: “No, it’s because I changed my diet, along with exercise. If YOU want to lose weight, you’ll practically have to starve yourself. That’s the only way it will come off.”
Coworker: “That ain’t gonna happen.”
OGOM: “Neither is your ass strinking.”
Coworker: “No he didn’t!”
Me: “Oh boy.”
OGOM: “I went on a modified Atkins. Lots of meat, fish, dark veggies. Plus I went to the gym every night.”
Me: “Look, as long as you are taking in less calories than you are burning, the weight will come off. It’s just a matter of how fast it does.”
Coworker: “Thank you!”
OGOM: “What I am saying is……Look,’re……pleasantly plump. Be happy with who you are. If a guy doesn’t love you for who you are, then he’s stupid. Just quit kidding yourself about losing that ass.”
Coworker: …..jaw bouncing off floor……
Me: “DUDE!”
Coworker: “I’m out of here.”
…she leaves….
Me: “Maybe just a tad harsh dude.”
OGOM: “She’s fat. Those hips aren’t getting less wide.”
Me: “Nice.”

What can I say about Old Guy Office Mate. Just like Jillian Micheals, he loves vagina AND gives you the straight talk.


Tony said...

OGOM is a badass. He never holds back! I wish I was badass enough to give the straight talk...

Matty said...

There's a time and place for being brutally honest with someone. THAT isn't one of them. Dang!

BigSis said...

Wow. I think I've said it before. What an HR nightmare.

Moooooog35 said...

I can't believe you called me 'old.'

Momma Fargo said...

Wow. Get your deposition ready. LMAO.

B-Dub said...

OGOM might be my hero.

Lily said...

She should have sat on him

Pat said...

Can you say "sexual harassment"? Oh yes you can!

Coffeypot said...

I lost 125 lbs of useless weight once. I divorced her.

Jules said...

Note to self: Starve yourself....

June said...

OGOM really knows how to make a person feel good about themselves, doesn't he?

Tamara aka Cheapskate Mom said...

I'm still amazed that you found someone with less tect than you!!


Barb said...

She should have walked away sooner. And I would have expected a gentleman like you to have stopped that conversation sooner! Now I'm going to get one of those bigger bike seats!

The Blue Zoo said...

Wow, I cant believe he didnt end up with a hand print across his cheek!

Daffy said...

If it made YOU cringe it must've been bad. Sheesh....

I hope OGOM never analyzes ME!

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