Friday, May 7, 2010

Old Guy Office Mate: The Fitness GURU

Office Conversation

Coworker: “Hey!”
Me: “Hey girl!”
Old Guy Office Mate: “Hey yourself. What are you doing?”
Coworker: “Just coming bye to say ‘hi’.”
Me: “Cool.”
Coworker: “Yea. So, I’ve been riding my bike afterwork. Yesterday, I rode from my house to my mom’s, then to my uncle’s across town, then to the park and back.”
Me: “That’s good.”
Coworker: “Yea, except my ass is killing me now.”
OGOM: “No wonder! Look at the size of that thing!”
Coworker: ….blink, blink….
Me: …whince….
Coworker: “So yeah, I need to get a new seat for my bike.”
OGOM: “You NEED to go on a diet!”
Me: “Damn dude.”
Coworker: “I meant, that tiny bike seat hurts my ass.”
Me: “Just stick with it. You’ll get used to it. You’ll develop butt calluses.”
Coworker: “I don’t want calluses on my butt.”
Me: “Not really calluses. Only your muscles in that area will toughen up and you won’t even notice any discomfort after awhile.”
Coworker: “Nah. I just need a bigger seat.”
Me: “Do they make seats for black girl booties.”
Coworker: “Yea. They have some wider ones.”
OGOM: “Look, whatever you’re doing ain’t working.”
Me: “Geez dude.”
OGOM: “I’m just saying she should quit even trying.”
Coworker: “Why?”
OGOM: “Because you’re a big girl. That isn’t going to change from riding a bike.”
Me: “There’s nothing wrong with trying to take care of yourself.”
OGOM: “You don’t have to tell me that. I’ve lost 35 pounds in 45 days.”
Coworker: “That’s because it’s easier for guys to lose weight. They don’t have to deal with estrogen.”
OGOM: “No, it’s because I changed my diet, along with exercise. If YOU want to lose weight, you’ll practically have to starve yourself. That’s the only way it will come off.”
Coworker: “That ain’t gonna happen.”
OGOM: “Neither is your ass strinking.”
Coworker: “No he didn’t!”
Me: “Oh boy.”
OGOM: “I went on a modified Atkins. Lots of meat, fish, dark veggies. Plus I went to the gym every night.”
Me: “Look, as long as you are taking in less calories than you are burning, the weight will come off. It’s just a matter of how fast it does.”
Coworker: “Thank you!”
OGOM: “What I am saying is……Look,.....you’re……pleasantly plump. Be happy with who you are. If a guy doesn’t love you for who you are, then he’s stupid. Just quit kidding yourself about losing that ass.”
Coworker: …..jaw bouncing off floor……
Me: “DUDE!”
Coworker: “I’m out of here.”
…she leaves….
Me: “Maybe just a tad harsh dude.”
OGOM: “She’s fat. Those hips aren’t getting less wide.”
Me: “Nice.”

What can I say about Old Guy Office Mate. Just like Jillian Micheals, he loves vagina AND gives you the straight talk.

16 comments:

Tony said...

OGOM is a badass. He never holds back! I wish I was badass enough to give the straight talk...

Matty said...

There's a time and place for being brutally honest with someone. THAT isn't one of them. Dang!

BigSis said...

Wow. I think I've said it before. What an HR nightmare.

Moooooog35 said...

I can't believe you called me 'old.'

Momma Fargo said...

Wow. Get your deposition ready. LMAO.

B-Dub said...

OGOM might be my hero.

Lily said...

She should have sat on him

Pat said...

Can you say "sexual harassment"? Oh yes you can!

Coffeypot said...

I lost 125 lbs of useless weight once. I divorced her.

Jules said...

Note to self: Starve yourself....

June said...

OGOM really knows how to make a person feel good about themselves, doesn't he?

Tamara aka Cheapskate Mom said...

I'm still amazed that you found someone with less tect than you!!

:p

Barb said...

She should have walked away sooner. And I would have expected a gentleman like you to have stopped that conversation sooner! Now I'm going to get one of those bigger bike seats!

The Blue Zoo said...

Wow, I cant believe he didnt end up with a hand print across his cheek!

Daffy said...

If it made YOU cringe it must've been bad. Sheesh....

I hope OGOM never analyzes ME!

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