Monday, May 17, 2010

Memoir Monday: I Nearly Got My Sister Killed (she deserved it)

Another Memoir Monday, brought to you by Travis. Go over and checkout the others at his place AND donate to his weight loss cause. The money goes to help a little baby with cancer.

I was an adorable little child who always behaved.

If you don’t believe me, check out this post. Or this one.

As another example of my perfectness and idealchildwhoeverymotheronlydreamsofhavingness, I transport you back in time to when I was about 5 or 6.

It was summertime.

I was home and playing outside on a warm summer day.

Since my older, by 10 years, sister had been left in charge, I was playing by the street that ran in front of our house.

Meanwhile, she was inside watching soaps when she should been watching me or doing homework or dishes or whatever she had mom falsely convinced that she was responsible enough to do on her own (Told you I would eventually tell on you! 30 years counts as eventually in this case!).

So, I am out front, minding my own business and doing what little boys at that age do.

Like throwing rocks at a bird that was sitting on a wire across the street.

I’d pick up a rock, take aim, and heave that rock as far and high as I could.

I did this probably a dozen times.

I am pretty sure the bird was laughing at my efforts, cause birds are jerks.

Or it was too terrified by my awesome pitching skills to move.

Regardless, I was determined.

So determined, I barely noticed the big burly Harley guy coming down the street on his Road King.

Right about the time that I DID notice him, I also learned that my hand / eye coordination was surprisingly good at such a young age.

That’s right.

The rock I intended for the bird suddenly sailed right towards Mr. Hell’s Angel’s head.

(That’s my story and I’m sticking to it)

Cue screeching tires and motorcycle U-turn.

Being no dummy, I made a bee-line for the house.

I busted in the front door, slamming it behind me, and rapidly explained the curious dilemma to my shocked sister.

I think I said, “HELP, HELP, HELP! HE’S GONNA KILL ME!!!”, as my little heart beat out of my chest.

Sister was like, “….*blink,blink*…Wha?”, cause she is a blonde.

This exchange was soon followed by a heavy *BANG,BANG,BANG* on the door and a loud, “OPEN UP YOU MF-ing LITTLE SHIT!!!”

I ran to my room and crawled under my bed, while sister dealt with the leather-clad unhappy camper.

After much swearing and threatening and apologizing was exchanged, the coast was clear.

Except that my sister decided to try her hand at physical punishment by spanking me.

I laugh in your face, Julie, at that pathetic attempt.

Even if I didn’t do so then.


Moooooog35 said...

One can only imagine what she had to agree to to make him go away.

I'm trying to do the math on the age to see if what i just wrote was creepy or hot and I'm guessing it's creepy.

Par for the course.

rxBambi said...

LOL that is great! I'm pretty sure I got my sisters in trouble but never had their lives threatened by big scary biker dudes. I think you are pretty lucky... and so was she :)

Anonymous said...

I once threw a snowball at my buddy Dave at the tool and dye shop we used to work at.

Then, while it was on it's downward arc, my boss came out of nowhere and walked in front of Dave.

Then the snowball hit my boss squarely in the face.

The End.

Daffy said...

Birds are NOT jerks. YOU are the jerk. And I am quite positive the bird was laughing at your pansy skinny white ass. Geez....

Lucky you Julie is so smart and witty and quick on her feet to dispell the bad biker dude's desire to make a new leather cuff out of your ass.

Hillbilly Duhn said...

I'm afraid that Daf said it perfectly! LOL!

Poor Bird.

I grew up in a family of bikers. Yeah, I'm surprised that the biker didn't spank you...

Nancy C said...

Talk about poking the bear. Damn, boy.

Sara said...

Maybe the guy on the motorcycle just wanted to have a friendly, intelligent conversation with you about how it's not nice to throw rocks at passerby.

Or maybe he just wanted to beat your ass.

One or the other!

Coffeypot said...

I’m guilty of that, too. I was throwing rocks because I was a major league pitcher striking out the baddest batter to ever step up to a plate. Since I was in the front yard and I couldn’t throw toward the house, I had to time my pitches between cars passing. I miss the timing and hit one. He came into the yard yelling at me. I stood my ground, not because I could take the fucker, but because I was too scared to move. My brother was home from the Navy on leave (during Korea) and he walked into the yard straight up to the guy and told him that I was sorry and it was an accident (he had been watching me the whole time) and that he should leave. The guy started to say something and my brother got real close in his face and said, “I told you he was sorry and there is no damage to your car. Now get the fuck out of my yard or there will be some damage to you.” The guy left. I was so proud of my brother (he was 10 years older, too). He walked up to me and popped me in the back of the head and told me to get in the house. I think he was scared too.

Coffeypot said...

Oh, Daffy and Hillbilly, God made birds just so little boys have something to practice their aim on.

Pat said...

I can't believe your sister even answered the door. She took one for the team, man. You owe her BIG TIME.

May the bluebird of happiness shit all over you.

The end.

aladdinsane12 said...

I'm with Pat. If I were your sister, I would have locked those doors and run down to the basement!

Ed said...

Moooog35: I'm sure it was probably the same thing you have agreed to several times before.

rxBambi: She had the screen door locked the whole time, the big baby.

Imnotbenny: Best story Evah!

Daffy: Says the egg killer herself. Shutit bird brain.

Hillbilly Duhn: get points deducted for agreeing with anything Daffy says. And, Hillbilly biker clans? Mayberry Angels?

Nancy C: I just knew hoe fast I can run. I'm like lightening.

Sara: I am pretty sure he wanted to eat me.

Coffeypot: You brother sounds like a stud. Mainly cause of the Navy connection. But yeah, he saved your ass.

Coffeypot (2): Amen, Brother.

Pat: She wasn't the brightest of us three (that was ME!), but she was cool. And the birds already shit on me. Haven't you been reading my posts? Geez people.

aladdinsane12: She actually tried, but since we have a crawl space instead of a basement, she just kept hitting her head on the floor joists and knocking herself out.

WhisperingWriter said...


I'm not sure I'd have even opened the door. I'd have been scared to death and probably would have called 911. Then I'd have been all, "There's a crazy motorcyclist CURSING at the door, HELP, for the love of chocolate, HELP!"

carissa said...

You are so freaking mean. But woulda done the exact same thing....

Cheryl said...

Having you ass saved by a blond is pathetic.

Anonymous said...

like you I never got my sister into trouble. Ever!

Momma Fargo said...

You got rescued by a girl? You are indeed the pansy, Mr. Ed! LMAO. said...

Props for your sister!!

otherworldlyone said...

Damn. Right up until the end, I thought we might have had something in commen: Being spanked by a biker.

The Princess of Sarcasm said...

I threw a piece of wadded up tin foil at a car one time. It was TIN FOIL for heaven's sake, so I didn't expect it to make such a loud noise. The driver squealed the brakes and came back. I ran and jumped down the ravine into the woods. My friend "ratted me out" and told them where I lived. I paid him back by going to our Junior prom with him years later and not "giving it up."

Score: Princess 1, Rat Fink Friend -0



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