Monday, January 4, 2010

Don't bother me while I'm freestylin'

So, I came home at lunch today and the wife said, "Have you looked like that all day?"

Thinking that once again, she was awestruck by my awesome handsomeliness, I eloquently said, "Yea!", while doing eye brow waggles and pelvic thrusts in my mind.

She said, "You know you have bed head in the back, right?"

To which I made a couple of lame attempt to evenly smash down my hair in the back.

Then I geniusly inquired, "That get it?"

She lovingly said, "Not even close. You might want to take care of that before you go back to work."

Then I closed the door and left.

I figure, just like the bed thing, why fix it if I'm going to be right back in it in a couple hours.


All Christmas break, I was silently punching myself in the face because I didn't come up with using garbage bag twist ties for anything other than occasional bread loaf re-closure, when all along I could have been strapping toys inside their packages tighter than my middle school girlfriend's thighs and having toy companies pay me Bill Gates money.

After opening a few toys, which took till New Years Eve, I realized that the twist tie market had obviously been monopolized by the makers of Prozac and Zoloft as a subversive marketing ploy.


**The post title means nothing. Jokes on you sucka.**


Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

You need a degree in engineering to open toys these days. Back in the day, when we walked up hill to school in the snow with no shoes both ways, you just ripped the dang toys outta their boxes. Those were the good old days.

Noelle said...

the really rewarding thing at my house is, once i get said toys out of said houdini packaging, my kid just wants to play with the box. now tell me...who's the real genius?!

Coffeypot said...

One Christmas, when my daughter was little, she got a new dollhouse that had ‘assembly required’ all over the box. Fine...I'm a good Santafather, so I tackle the project.

The trouble was, the studs that needed to go into the adjacent holes were square and the adjacent holes were round - and smaller. (I use to have the same problem with my wife before it got to where she could do deep-knee bends over fire hydrants.) So I got to looking at the instructions and saw the problem. The doll house was made in Poland.

True, I swear!

The Office Scribe said...

Those twist ties are not the same as those found on bread bags. Those are super twist ties created not by drug makers but by the devil himself. They are the #1 reason I never got to play with my 1994 Holiday Barbie.

Corrie Howe said...

I agree about the twist ties. They are the bane of Christmas.

On another note, did you know they use these to put rib cages back together after heart surgery? My son asked me how the doctors put my dad's chest back together. I asked the doctor, who told me the above.

Daffy said...

I would NOT have restricted my eyebrow wiggles and pelvic thrusts to my mind only.

And I totally would've gone back to work with the bed head claiming a ritious case of FF hair.

Cassie said...

Okay worse than the twist ties (which are clearly the work of the devil) are the toy trucks which are screwed into the box. One had such small holes my husband had to go buy a screwdriver to get it out of the box.

Arizona Mamma said...

I was actually releived this year when one or two toys had some new contraption that only requires a little pinch of the device to get it off. Those twities have me near postal every time!

Miss Yvonne said...

Bed head is to 2010 what the mohawk was to 2009. So there you go. Ahead of the trend.

adrienzgirl said...

I want to know why the hell they have to put all those twisty ties on the packaging anyway. You need a scalpel and surgical gear just to get into the damn thing to begin with!

Thanks for the visual dude! I got your pelvic thrust, eye wiggle dance stuck in my head.....


Monique-aka-Surferwife23 said...

Curious as to what the combination of eye brow waggles and pelvic thrusts look like?

Travis said...

What can I say here that hasn't been said already?


I don't think anyone has said that yet.

But for real, those twist ties are lame. The Office Scribe nailed it.

Just Another Momma said...

Shit, santa bought one of our kids a remote control car. The f'in thing was screwed to the box. We had to use a screw driver to get it out of the box. Lots of twist ties too.

The Princess of Sarcasm said...

Travis didn't get to play with his 1994 Holiday Barbie either?

Poor (gay) baby.

Anonymous said...

I'm sure they were all super impressed with your bed head.

This year the stupid twist ties didnt kill us. It was the train table that took 3 hours to assemble.

ScoMan said...

Bed head is only a problem for people sitting behind you. As long as you look good in the mirror, that should be all you're worried about.

The Peach Tart said...

No toys here except for kitty toys but I have the same damn problem with medications and razor blade packaging.

Moooooog35 said...

Toy Twist Ties are today's Rubik's cube.

I may sell my old packaging on Ebay with that label.


Anonymous said...

My son got a car that required the use of several bad words and a screwdriver to get it out of the package. So I just threw it out and told him Santa gave it to him by accident...

He's only two he doesn't know the difference...

Does he?

Narm said...

Two things -

That line about your junior high gf's thighs was CLASSIC.

Second - I also drive a Ridgeline. I am from a farm town where anything not named Ford or Chevy is looked at as a sissy car - so I now have a sissy truck. Or maybe it is the pink pinstripes I put on it.

Forgotten said...

I second The Blue Zoo on the train table. 5 hours of assembly and set up of train parts here. What a nightmare. But the thing has been a cherished toy since Xmas.

I have bedhead almost every day but it's just because I need a haircut desperately. Maybe it's time for you to get a haircut?

Hillbilly Duhn said...

Well, if anyone said anything about your hair, you coulda just told em that your wife had her way with you on the kitchen floor....

Ed Adams said...

The Queen: Right you are. You did grow up in the OLDEN days. Hahahaha! oh snap!

Noelle: I'm guessing, not your kids? I mean, since they're playing with boxes and stuff.

Coffeypot: See! That's the problem with outsourcing! FYI for Ur Wife: Firehydrants don't equal Firemen.

The Office Scribe: That's alright. It's worth more in the package. (TWSS)

Corrie Howe: I've actually been in on those surgeries. It's a surgical wire that is similar, but not the same thing that is holding little Suzy's dolly in a death grip of package torture.

Daffy: Knowing you, like I'd like to, none of this surprises me.

Cassie: Yes, they are. Thankfully, they are not as In Vogue as the Twist Ties. Just wait. Eventually, the major companies will start selling those miniture screwdrivers for more than the toys themselves, and then every package will have tiny screws.

Arizona Momma: Yeah, I've seen those. They are too consumer friendly, which means they will never catch on.

Miss Yvonne: I am marketing the style as we speak. It's the new Black of hairstyles. It'll be bigger than the Pompadore.

adrienzgirl: Yes! *waggle & thrusts*

Surferwife23: Stay tuned. Video may follow.

Travis: Gosh travis. It's almost like you didn't even read the post cause you were too busy looking at a menu. Bacon Melt or Tuna Melt?

Just Another Momma: Ah, yes. More tiny screws. Just look at it this way, big screws or tiny screws, at least your still getting screwed.

The Princess of Sarcasm: GENIUS! Travis is GAY, but only cause he likes Duke.

The Blue Zoo: We got our kids a train table too. Ours didn't require assembly cause it's called "the floor".

ScoMan: Amen brother! I always look good coming, and not so great going. That just sounded wrong on so many levels.

The Peach Tart: Medication and Razorwhat?

Moooooog35: I require a 10% creative licensing fee because I'm sexy.

Secret Agent K: I hear them calling with your "Mother Of The Year" Award right now.

Narm: My girlfriends thigh were classic, but I really wanted what was between them.
Pink Stripes? Ha! That's so much sissier than the pink lacey bra mine wears in the summer.

Forgotten: I do need a haircut. However, I'm still distracted by the first part of your comment. I got stuck on the words..."second","The Blue Zoo", "train", "table"...I forget what we were taking about now.

Ed Adams said...

HB Duhn: You snuck in there, didn't ya. (TWSS) I have actually used that excuse before, millions of times, in my mind.

kys said...

My kids save the twist ties and fashion shanks out of them.

Anonymous said...

Have you looked like that all day, and also "Do you know what you look like?"

I hate hearing those 2 questions.

Phillipia said...

Love the holiday looks, Ed.

Wait am I commenting on the right post???

You cram so much funny into each post and I do not get here often enough.

I have been lax on my reading lately.

I do appreciate your comments at my place.

The girl with the flour in her hair said...

In 5th grade, I had a teacher who said that he didn't make his bed because he was just going to mess it up again that night anyway. That may have been the only thing I got out of that class. To this day, I apply that theory to all housework and laundry.


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