Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Tuesday's Ramblings

So, I did a Video Blog this weekend which was super AWESOME and done in the style of MTV Cribs and I wasn’t chewing gum and the camera work was done by my 10 year old. Then the wife came home and was pissed because she had told me not to do it because she is a private person and doesn’t want people knowing what our house looks like or seeing all our expensive treasures or judging her our cleaning skills or class standing in society. She has a fear of being judged. I was all, “The only way to confront your fears is to face them head on. So you should definitely put yourself out there and say, ‘Go ahead and judge me because I don’t care what you think’”. And then I said, “Also, it’s better to be judged by 12, than carried by 6”, which made complete sense in my mind but didn’t in hers. And then I got all badass and was like, “It’s my effing blog and I’ll post it if I want to!” because I clearly don’t want to have sex before my vasectomy, or after for that matter. Then I watched it, and realized that I looked like a cross between Quasimodo and C3PO, because of my stupid back, and decided not to publish it.

Then I thought about filming one at work showing our kickass Colts office, but Old Guy decided it was the Ed Sullivan show or something and started doing all these impressions of dead people like Cary Grant and Jimmy Stewart and I was all, “Get your own blog!”, and he was bitching about my camera work and saying how he was a natural born director and stuff. This probably won’t make it up either.

I won a caption contest over at Jeff’s This Is Why Your Hold Time Is So Long.

You people who follow me with your Google Reader are missing all my sweet Christmas decorations that I spent millions of dollars and man hours on. So your loss.

Also, I have some new awards over on my sidebar which are totally worth looking at, but have $0 value.

Make sure you visit everyone on my blog roll over on the side bar too. And tell them that I sent you over, that way they will owe me stuff like Lunchables and money and kittens and their first borns and stuff. Especially visit Kurt, and tell him he’s a douche for not following me back.

Our Christmas party is tomorrow, and they are having some White Elephant gift exchange for which they said we are supposed to bring in something cheap and funny from home. So since I can’t wrap myself (again) this year, I am bringing in some dog poo from the yard. It’s cheap. It’s from home. And poo is always funny. Somebody is going to be very surprised.

Also, we are supposed to make something to eat, but I am lazy and the wife doesn’t cook much, so I will be claiming I brought in stuff that other people made when they aren’t around. This guarantees that I still get to eat without looking like a lazy douchebag, which I totally typed as doughbag the first time through and now can’t stop giggling like a school girl, but not looking like a lazy douchebag would be like attending in costume. So basically, it’s a Christmas Costume Party.

Yesterday, my 10 year old brought home a friend from school. My five year old asked his brother’s friend how many syllables were in his name…*crickets*……Friends response was ,”WTF!”………Actually, he said, “You’re smarter than I was at your age.”, which immediately caused my wife to do a double fist pump, and then wag her finger in the friend’s face while yelling, “Nah-nah-nah-boo-boo!”*.







*My wife would never say or do something this mean to a child. However, I totally would cause that shit is hilarious.

27 comments:

Tamara aka Cheapskate Mom said...

It is your blog...damn straight! Then again, it is your wanker and it sounds like it will be lonely for quite some time!

If you find one of those crusty old white turds shaped like an elephant, that would kick ass!

What do I have to do to get my name back up your blog roll? It's so dark down here :( Waaah

Sally-Sal said...

Hey man, congrats on that caption contest. Your comments are always hilarious, yo.

Travis said...

Did Tamara just call it a wanker?

What a weirdo.

British and stuff.

Anyway, the party sounds exciting. Just tell them you brought the Chex mix. You know that will be there.

Daffy said...

So sorry about the vlog. Was looking forward to another one. Maybe just film yourself in front of the closet door...closed of course...then none of the house would show (other than the closet door) and no one can judge cleaning skills (or lack there of) along with ensuring no identifying markers are present in the footage that would allow blogs-stalkers to show up at your door. That was a hellaciously long sentence but I think you get the idea. Ummmm, no? Okay -whatever.

I think wanker is a great word. WHOOT Cheesecake Mom!

I'm jumping on T's back...just say you brought the veggie tray. You know that will be there too!

The Blue Zoo said...

LOL Dog poo? Ugh, so gross! But funny! You always crack me up.

Cassie said...

I would totally say that to a child especially if he deserved it.

Kurt said...

To be fair, I really AM a douche. Because I like to be inside vaginas. Get it? HAHAHAA!

Sorry it took so long to follow you. Not Really sorry. Just like...a little.

hotpants™ said...

I've yet to watch the video since videos are blocked at work. Bastards.

Heather Leigh said...

Your first paragraph had me in stitches. You should post more stream-of-thought-type posts. Very funny and very real.

I for one would LOVE to see the Colts-themed Christmas decorations.

Secretia said...

i heard that Wednesday Night Christmas parties are the wildest! Have fun, Secretia

The Vegetable Assassin said...

So Eddie, by "sweet Christmas decorations" you meant a red and green header and a little square santa? PAH! I expect for a boast that big to get some effing lights, tinsel, elves that sparkle and a big, giant turkey in a santa hat, fool! Else it's back to my Reader for me. :)

Hillbilly Duhn said...

Setting aside all you wrote up there, douche has come back fully swinging, like a big penis slappin upside ones leg. It used to be popular when I was a kid, then I hadn't used or heard it again till the last couple months. I think that's kinda funny. Just thought that. But anyway...

Have fun at the X-mas party, and I woulda totally been that mean to a kid. I say shit like, WTF to my kids all the time!! LOL!

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

So............????

How many syllables in the kid's name???

Talk about cliffhanger!

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Also, I haven't "followed" you yet either, but maybe you didn't call me a douche because you're on my blogroll on the sidebar thing? Or maybe you just don't care.

You hate me, don't you?

Screw you, funny pages!!!

adrienzgirl said...

I want more vlog DAMNIT! Hey, Friday when their in there fixin' up your ball situation could you have them replace yours with a set of brass ones? Yeah, I would totally appreciate that!

THANKS! Mwah!

Ed Adams said...

Cheesecake: Call me and maybe we can work something out. *Ahem* I mean, cash would be nice. *whew*

Sal: Thanks doubly so.

Travis: Yeah, she's all high society. And the Chex mix thing will work, unless I'm claiming it to the person who brought it.

Daffy: I'll probably do another one. Oh, and guys never bring veggie trays. Unless they are also bringing other guys to the party, if you catch my drift.

The Blue Zoo: Dog Poo says "I care". Thanks.

Cassie: Great minds think alike, which in this case means you're a bad parent.

Kurt: OMG,OMG,OMG,OMG! You CAME! (TWSS)
Seriously though, who ratted me out? Cause I know you don't usually read my drivel, so somebody told you I called you a douche. It was Steamy, wasn't it?
Anyway, thanks for FINALLY realizing the errors of your ways and following me.

hotpants: That excuse only works for soooo long, and then it doesn't work and someone puts a 3 wood through your back window. Trust me, I've tried it.

Heather Leigh: Thanks. Just like my drug habit, I learned it by watching Kurt. You should totally check him out. He's a loyal follower of mine.

Secretia: I'm sure you've more than "heard". Regardless, it's actually during lunch, which means clothes are optional. Or maybe I read the invitation wrong.

The Veggie Killer: Hey, not everybody is rich and famous from selling watercolors of RV's with broken wheels. Some of us have to make our own decorations. Just for that comment, I'm taking back my vote for you in that contest you didn't win.

HB Duhn: I know what you mean. Douche is the new black. I mean African American.

Steamy Pile of Becky (x2): He had 2 syllables. Now you'll be able to sleep tonight. And I CAN NOT BELIEVE you haven't been following me!!!! I thought after you sent me your panties, that meant we had something serious. *shakes fist* Played like the fool again!

adrienzgirl: I'll ask about the brass, but I bet that'll cost extra and the wife never lets me carry the checkbook when I'm showing people my balls. Especially not after the last time.

Jen said...

I am constantly measuring my kids against other kids and doing the fist pump whenever it might be warranted even if the stupid kid is right there in the room. Of course I don't have many friends.

JUST ME said...

Lunchables? YES.

Sometimes I contemplate buying those as a 26 year old.

Life Laugh Latte said...

Not really sure what to say to all of those ramblings...Ed. Hmmm...You know I dig Christmas decorations, and would LOVE to see yours. Love the privacy thing your wife has. I have a friend all upset about our vlogs because we publish them thru Youtube. When she watches them there other inappropriate videos come up as the next thing she could watch. She acts like we are producing those videos too! Whatever!! Holly

Tony said...

Dude, I would have been all up in that kid's face, "HA! A damn five year old knows more than you! You're stupid! You're parents must be so ashamed!"

That's why I'm not allowed near children. It's not because of...whoa, I shouldn't even joke.

ScoMan said...

It's a shame we miss out one seeing some guy doing inappropriate impressions. I'm sure he thought he was hilarious.

Doughbag is a great word for a fat douchebag. I'm using it and claiming it as my own.

Moooooog35 said...

Hot Pockets are an acceptable thing to bring to a Xmas party.

You know, if you decide to skip it and eat alone in your cube instead.

You're welcome.

mepsipax said...

That's why it's called Ed's funny pages. Get your own blog. Great post as always. You would be a dick to that kid. Awesome.

Tooj said...

I about spit water reading your comment about a spouse, pillows, and not waking up over on Megs blog. I had to follow you over here and see if you produced wit like that regularly.

Your wife sounds like my husband. I asked him to participate in a vlog with me, but he won't do it. So I haven't done it. I think it was very humble and courteous of your older son's friend to acknowledge the discrepancy in intelligence. He'll go far as someone's assistant one day. We need people like him.

Ed Adams said...

Jen: That's just because people feel too inferior to your kids awesomeness, and in no way reflects on your "supposed" lack of social ettiquette.

JUST ME: Why not?! It's not like they have one of those stupid "3 & under" age requirements stamped on the package.

Holly@LLL: Your friend sounds like a prude. She would be great friends with my wife.(Love you honey!)*whew* Anyway, I am baffled that I managed to leave YOU speechless otherwise. That's gotta be a record or something.

Tony: You're going to be a GREAT dad someday. And by someday, I mean when you can sneak one passed Merkin's defenses.

ScoMan: He's hilarious, otherwise I would have had him placed in a home by now. Also, doughbag is copyrighted. Send royalties to ME!

Mooooog35: Well, I have an office instead of a cubicle, but this allows me to close the door and explore other uses of a Hot Pocket.
Perhaps I've shared too much.

mepsipax: Nothing says role-modeling like making a child cry merely from insults.

Tooj: Thanks for stopping by. And for following me. Or wait, you didn't do that. Yet. *hint,hint*

Secret Agent K said...

You typed dougbag and before I even read that you were gigglin like a schoolgirl because of it I was laughin and snortin like a spaz.

Mental note: Add "Dougbag" to the list of words I have to use in a sentence before I die

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I'm stealing your "Its whats for dinner" line for the title of my post tomorrow. Is that ok? I wanted to reckanize before i did.

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