Thursday, December 17, 2009

A recap and a look ahead....(I said head....hahaha)

So yesterday was the office Christmas party.

My dog poo was a hit!

Actually, I didn’t bring any poo, because my dog is good at hiding it and you can only find it with barefeet in the summertime.

Old Guy went out and bought both mine and his gifts to bring, because he knows I’m handsomely irresponsible.

He also brought in extra food for me to claim.

He’s like my Daddy Warbucks.

So we go in at lunch time and they are drawing numbers for the White Elephant gift exchange (A.K.A. Redneck giftswap…….which is similar but different to Redneck Wifeswap).

Anyway, a big argument breaks out about how to play the game.

Do you pick and open and then swap, or can you just swap and force that person to open again?

People are getting seriously upset about this.

So finally, I scream in my mind, “YOU’RE RUINING CHRISTMAS!!!!”

I received a First Aid Kit.

The food was good.

The End.

Afterwork, Old Guy and I are walking out to our cars and when we get to the parking lot, Old Guy remembers that he parked on the other side of the campus because Alzheimer's is a bitch.

I’m like, “That sucks dude. See you later.”

Then, I gave him a ride over to his car because he faked a heartattack and I didn’t want to get stuck disposing of a body. Again.

On the way to his car, he starts talking about how dark my windows are tinted and other stuff that old people notice.

Then, we’re slowly pulling through the parking lot and this lady is walking to her car, and she looks a little freaked out and keeps looking back at us and walking faster, and Old Guy says, “It looks like she thinks you’re going to rape her.” And I was all, “Why do you think my window are this dark!” and I gave him the crazy eyes.

So, I know today is supposed to be TMI Thursday, and I’ve been promising to reveal my “biggest” TMI ever.

But I’m seriously chickening out.

Here’s why:

1. It is disgusting!
2. It is way too personal.
3. It would most likely cost me followers, and since I lost one yesterday and didn’t even write anything yesterday, you all are a fickle bunch.
4. I’ve tried writing it 3 times and it just sounds more vomit inducing than funny, which sucks.
5. I’m a pansy.
6. I have too many flesh friends and family that read my blog.
7. It is fun keeping secrets.
8. I’m a sissyboy.
9. I wanted to make a top ten list of reasons why, but yet again I keep getting stuck around #7 or #8.
10. I went ahead and put this in and now it will count, so suck it Letterman.

Tomorrow is V-Day.

I’m actually looking forward to getting it over with.

It’s like the stock market, short term risks = long term rewards, but with sore balls and no accidental pregnancies.

This might be the best Vasectomy post ever in the history of Vasectomy blog posts and will definitely make my balls legend, which is completely random.

I wasn’t sure if I was going to come into work tomorrow for a half day, or just skip the whole day.

Well, because of my indecisiveness and rugged charm, my coworkers surprised me with a birthday party this morning.

I’ll be 35 on Saturday.

Actually, it was mostly Old Guy’s idea. He’s awesome like that. Gruff exterior but with a heart of rainbows (not the gay kind of rainbow though).

Old Guy isn’t old, old, by the way. He’s like 67.

Which is almost twice my age because Math hates him.

So that makes him “Old Guy” for witness protection purposes.

I was planning to vlog most of this last night, but I’m lazy and decided TV and sleep were more important.

Then, I thought about doing a before and after vlog of my nuts for educational research purposes because I like to help society.

But I can’t ever get any privacy at my house, and when you’re showing your junk to the world, you HAVE to have privacy.

So then I dreamed I met the President at the White House, which we all know means I’ll secretly be having an affair with Mrs. Obama in the future.

Or I’ll be winning the Super Bowl.

Or the World Series.

Or some Championship.

Or crashing a dinner.

I’m hoping for the affair. Michelle’s hot! (Call ME!)

Just kidding Wifey!

*shaking head at camera and mouthing “Not really, Michelle. Do call me!”*

As I was typing this, the doctor’s office called to confirm my appt tomorrow at 1pm.

And to tell me they could get me in at 9am due to a cancellation, if I wanted.

I asked the lady if there were any advantages to coming in at 9am vs. 1pm.

Like “Are the doctor’s hands warmer in the morning?” or “Is she in a better mood in the morning?” or “Does she fight with her husband at lunchtime?”

I won’t divulge her answers because I don’t spread rumors but let’s just say I’m keeping my 1 o’clock.


Travis said...

Hey man,

Me and Brandee both dedicated posts to you today.

Apparently, my balls can type, and they have some words for you.

And no, it's not, "I love you" you sick bastard.

You poor, poor sick bastard.

*shakes head slowly and clucks tongue*

Daffy said...

Do you ramble when you're nervous? Or is this totally normal?

erin said...

I think 'You ruined *insert appropriate holiday here*!"...

Like last year when my oldest daughter had Strep Throat on Christmas Eve. Or when I was on bedrest on Easter. Or last year when the UPS man lost Max's life-sized pug stuffed animal I had last minute purchased for her birthday.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

These are for you.

mepsipax said...

Ah shit funny as always. If you can't joke about rape what can you joke about. I even wrote a small post about raping someone's soul. I find it is more violating and less illegal.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

1) Flesh friends? How many "flesh friends" do you have? Two? Heehee. It's funny because I'm talking about your hands.

2) I turn 35 on Wednesday. We're like twins! Only I'm not getting my nuts cut open. Happy Birthday!

3) Send me your TMI and I'll tell you how bad it is. I'm a really good judge. For real. Honest too.

4) I'd let someone take a knife to my nuts if it meant I'd get a blog post out of it.

5) Yeah, top ten lists are hard. You're right.

Anonymous said...

I so didn't know you had a thing for the First Lady. How very liberal of you! There is hope yet! I was thinking of continuing with a statement about you, her and no birth control needed but then I decided that seems like a violation of some national law or treason? I guess your MILF is your FLILF- :-)
I was also going to comment about how ridiculous it was for them to ask to move your appt. up..I was gonna say you can never get up in the morning..then I realized again, it didn't sound right. Truth is, I can't say anything on here without it sounding dirty

Jay Ferris said...

I still say your current ride is an upgrade from that that windowless van you were driving.

Also, I'll be thinking about your balls, but only in a sad way. So business as usual really.

DiPaola Momma said...

Um Ed.. I don't know how to tell you this.. because really there is no easy way to do it.. so I'll just jump right in. Old Guy, well it seems to me (most of us actually) that he's sort of "into you". Meals, gifts, going full Scarlet O'Hara on you with the heart attack thing just so he could get in the car ALONE with ya. NONE of us buy him "forgetting" where he parked his car. He just want to be "aaah aahh aahh ah Close to you". Wifey just might want to keep an eye on him before you go all "Former New Jersey Governor" on her.

adrienzgirl said...

Lara's right Ed. It is a little "too" much, Old guy and his doting on ya.

There are lots of comments at my place for you today. You should feel loved, I dedicated a whole post to ya and your balls. AND, I didn't use the word BALLS once in my post, AND I wrote you a poem!

Happy V-Day! Not to be confused with Valentine's day. V is for Vasectomy. For some reason I just had a Sesame Street moment there.

Moooooog35 said...

When you have your affair with Mrs. Obama, make sure you come back and let us know how big her penis is.

Speaking of that, good luck on your Vasectomy.

Actually, you should probably pass that message to the doctor. You're going to just be laying there..he's the one messing with your junk.

Also, don't let the rumors of having erectily dysfunction bother you. They're untrue - except in my case and in 99.99% of all other cases but your insurance will probably cover most of your Levitra prescription and you should see the wood you get with those things.

Have fun.

Carol said...

Let me first say "Thank you" for not doing a vlog of the before and after.

Enjoy your day tomorrow Ed. May it be a pleasant experience for you.

Cassie said...

I am definitely looking forward to this secret TMI post. A TMI vlog, however, is going a little too far.

Meagan@Megs7827 said...

1. That is exactly what happened at our holiday (started to type Christmas! oh no! must be pc) party yesterday. We had a scrooge that went off on everybody, I almost blogged about it, but I'm really worried about big brother finding my blog.
2. I love all Old Guy stories!
3. I support your decision to not share your TMI. I have stuff that I am holding on to as well because I am not anonymous. Lets start an anonymous blog where we can tell some good TMI stories.
4. I was reading along and then I see "Tomorrow is V-Day". This one stumped me. I'm thinking valentine's Then I continue to read...and cringe! But can you post every gory detail and if it isn't too bad I'll save it to some day show my hubby? Thanks.
5. Don't vlog I can't watch them at work and I am way too famous to read blogs at home.

ScoMan said...

I think it's important to have an old guy friend in the workplace. If for nothing else, you can sit there and listen to them waffle on for hours and if you get accused of being unproductive you just say "Well I didn't want to hurt the guys feelings, and he was telling me about a game of cricket he played in 1959 which I could tell was very important to him"

Plus they look out for you too, which is nice.

BeckEye said...

So wait, the fact that you like to rape old ladies isn't TMI?

Tamara aka Cheapskate Mom said...

Aww Ed. You'll be fine. If it hurts a little, think about the moments when your wife was giving birth and the baby's head was crowning...remember that?

Now you got me all curious about your TMI post. Maybe you could put it in email form and send it to those who sign a disclaimer or something, eh?

Shell said...

Good luck tomorrow! Don't be a big baby about it like my Hubs was. Seriously, it's not like he gave birth to 3 children like I did. AND I had one with no drugs whatsoever.

carissajaded said...

You know the more you talk about NOT telling us about your "oh so great" TMI, we are either #1 wanting to know even more, #2 thinking you are lying about having a great story...

And good luck manana. I hope they don't botch your peen.

Coffeypot said...

You're a chicken shit on not posting your TMI stuff. And good luck with your nuts tomorrow.

Vic said...

Lighting a candle now in honor of your legendary balls.

Tony said...

Well...I do have many testicle jokes, but they would be highly inappropriate. Instead, I wish you a safe surgery, and I suppose your balls will be missed. Not by me. But by other people...

Anonymous said...

A vasectomy, that is a courageous thing. Nice for your wife though, takes away some pregnancy stress.

Good luck, it will go smooth.


Homemaker Man said...

Good luck. I got me one of those. glad you stuck with the 1 oclock. I had an early appointment and the office was cold. Was my excuse.

Anonymous said...

Good Luck with the V-Day! You'll be fine. You are very brave. My husband said the worst part about his was the shot in the ass the nurse gave him. It was supposed to make him more relaxed for the shots in the balls. It didnt. Hope the shot in your ass relaxes you! LOL

Ed Adams said...

Post-op report:

I made it. It wasn't bad.

We were in and out in about an hour.

Just like Lenscrafters.

Slight pinch with the first shot, then just some tugging.

Had a little feeling like I got kicked, but not too bad.

Liz even took me for ice cream afterwards, since I was such a good boy.

She watched the whole thing, and said it was worse than she thought it would be.

She said, "I didn't know they were going to be taking so many things out!"

I still say it wasn't bad.

Thanks to everybody for all their concerns.

Anonymous said...

I'm glad you survived. You need to call my husband and explain it to him.

Alex said...

Awwwwwww, poor baby (laughing hysterically cos I'm not a man).

Shout out to you on my blog today.

Phillipia said...

That is a lot of post there Ed...

A lot of good post.

Waiting for the video...not.

Happy belated told us three days early and I still missed it...where have I been???NOYDB.

Anyway, hope you got a happy for your birthday.

Narm said...

Whoa - redneck wifeswap? How did I not know about this? I need to go get married ASAP. Luckily the family reunion is coming up...

kys said...

There are times that the Redneck Wifeswap sounds like a good idea.

Anonymous said...

Not sure where to post this but I wanted to ask if anyone has heard of National Clicks?

Can someone help me find it?

Overheard some co-workers talking about it all week but didn't have time to ask so I thought I would post it here to see if someone could help me out.

Seems to be getting alot of buzz right now.



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