Thursday, October 29, 2009

Thursday TMI: My own Dr. Frankenstein (the Halloween Edition)

It's that gross time again, thanks to Lilu.

Since it's almost Halloween, I have decided to tell something scary.
To me.
And about me.

In high school, a friend of mine was diagnosed with testicular cancer. It really rocked my world.
Everybody started talking about the importance of self exams.
This was not a problem, as I was pretty proficient with handling Big Ed and the twins.
The idea of finding a “lump” though, made me want to vomit Purina.

Flash forward several years.
In the shower, while cleaning the bait and tackle, I feel something. Something that’s not supposed to be there. Something that wasn’t there before.
Could I have had 3 testicles this whole time and not known?
Does this make me even more manly?
I immediately began to panic. My mind was racing through all the possibilities. None of them as good as Coconut Crème Pie. I love coconut crème pie. Now, I’m hungry.

But I’ve ditest--icle.

Anylump,

(I should mention, secretly, I’m a hypochondriac on the level of Howard Hugh.)

I start seeing surgery, chemo, radiation, death.
Every holiday becomes my last.
I don’t even own a bucket to kick, let alone, put a list in.
I can’t face it.
I think about ending it, but I’m a chicken in that regard too.

To make matters worse, this is all around the time of Lance Armstrong’s comeback from testicular cancer, and Tom Green’s episode played out for everybody on MTV. I was freaking out dancing around the whole time and could barely watch that.
Needless to say, that shit was everywhere. As far as I was concerned, there was some Testicular cancer virus in the air. Probably released by some man-hating women's group of scientists. (Or would that be scien-tits?)
I was seriously going loco over this. I had to get put on meds. I still refused to tell anybody for fear that my fate would be sealed if it was acknowledged.
Finally, I came up with a plan. I couldn’t stand the thought of separating the boys, but chemo and death seemed worse. So, I was going to do it myself. That’s right. I was now Dr.Wacko.
I figured, I had extensive medical training in the military, had assisted on many surgeries, and had even declawed a friends cat. How hard could it be? (TWSS)
I had access to all the supplies because of the clinic I worked at. So I brought home a surgical kit. Waited for a day when the wife was shopping with her mom, and then headed to my makeshift surgical suite…..i.e. bathroom.
I began prepping the area.
I taped Big Ed up to my stomach shoulder.
Shaved the fun bag.
Betadine the area.
Numbed everything up with Lidocaine (without epi….you don’t won’t epinephrine anywhere near your junk - less it should turn black and fall off)
While waiting for the numbing to take effect, I pulled out the suture kit, clamps, the q-tips with the silver stuff that stops bleeding, and the #11 scalpel.

I was just beginning to make an incision when FINALLY I thought,

“WHAT THE F*&%ING HELL AM I DOING?!?!?”

Eventually, I told my wife what I almost did. She convinced me to see an actual doctor and even went with me. Turns out, it wasn’t cancer. Thank God.

It was some kind of cyst thingy, called a vericele or something. Evidently they are real common. The doctor told me that he had one too and even offered to let me feel, which I passed on. But the wife didn’t. Which seems kind of odd, now that I think about it.

Kidding, honey.



And to think that I almost threw out a perfectly good nut!

25 comments:

Travis said...

Dude.

Anyone else posts this, I'm callin bullshit. But not you.

I actually laughed when I read this.

Now 6 teenagers wanna know what I find so funny. Do I let them read a story about Big Ed?

I know what you'd do. I also know what Jesus would do.

I'm gonna go with Jesus.

Kristin said...

Wow. Ew and LMFAO! That was pretty funny. My hubs had the same thing. They ARE pretty common. As I was reading I was saying, "PLEASE dont tell me he actually did that". hahaha

Coffeypot said...

I know of what you speak. I too found a lump on one of the bowling balls and saw all the things you mentioned in about one fifth of a second. But not being a highly trained military ‘pecker checker’ like yourself, I went straight to the doctor.

The only good thing about the start of the exam was that she had small, in comparison, warm hands. She kept feeling around them and rolling them between her fingers. And yes, she did turn down my proposal of marriage.

But I was okay. It seems that I had a kidney stone stuck and the tube was inflamed at a junction of some sort and the poison from the infection was seeping into the tube running down to the nut. It was just a bag of puss or beer or Jack Black or something, and as soon as the stone moved on the lump went away.

I still love my doctor even though the restraining order makes me stay out of her building, but, damn, she had nice hands.

carissajaded said...

I think I just lost my job. seriously from "i began prepping the area" on down I went into a fit of uncontrollable laughter.

Being a fellow hypochondriac, I can only relate too well.... If I had a peen, I'm sure I would have been in this same position several times.

"And to think I almost threw out a perfectly good nut!"

CANT STOP LAUGHING!~

Hillbilly Duhn said...

OMG! I just laughed so hard. I know, it's not really a funny subject, but holy shit man, you really thought to do it yourself?

rof

Man, there is something wrong with you!

Oh, and your comment back at my place, I almost fell off my chair..."Threesome and take home pets" Holy Crap!! I wish I would have thought of that when I was writing that!

Thanks for the laughter today!

Daffy said...

Maybe it was just an alien who had nested in your nether region to incubate new spaw. Eh? Ever think of that? Ya weirdo...

Jessica said...

LMAO! You had my dying at "I taped Big Ed up to" Sounds like something my husband would attempt to do.

adrienzgirl said...

I can't believe you almost went Lorraina Bobbit up in your junk region! What were you thinking? What if your wife had come home, and scared you, and you jumped, and then you nicked off a piece of Big Ed, or all of Big Ed in the process?

booshy said...

As much as my brain wants to call "dumbass" ....well, my husband is guilty of the same type of must-see-for-myself-when-it-involves-the-twigs-and-berries contraptions. Once, he even taped a mirror to a comb...my mirror...MY COMB (that I never used, but that's not the point).

Glad it ended up being a non-serious emergency.

Charisse and Holly said...

Loved the whole "Mouse & Cheese" bit at our blog! LOL This can't be true, tell me it's not true. I didn't think a man was capable of disecting his own sack. The gals at lifelaughlatte.blogspot.com

Heather Leigh said...

So glad everything turned out ok. thanks for stopping by my blog. I've added you to my reader. :-)

ScoMan said...

You think it's scary reaching down and feeling three lumps? Imagine reaching down and feeling one.

I don't know where lefty goes, but every few months he'll disappear for a day or so and then come back. I was freaked out the first time it happened, now I'm just pissed he doesn't send me postcards.

Aleta said...

Glad you came to your senses. Hilarious post with the word fun.

Alison said...

So I now have 6 kids looking at me like I have lost my mind...I am pretty sure I started snorting when I laughed....lol

Lauren said...

Wow....lol. You crazy!

I actually have not one, but TWO friends who had to get a nut removed. Not from cancer, but because they were being dipshits. I don't remember what the one did, but the other was playing football without a cup because he thought it was a wussy thing to do. Until he got his boys twisted and needed surgery. Whoops.

I'm glad you came to your senses in time! And I was laughing hysterically at the taping of Big Ed. omg funny.

kys said...

Only you can write a post about potential testicular cancer and make it the funniest thing I've read all day.

Children of the 90s said...

I agree, I don't think I've ever laughed at a story about possible testicular cancer, but I was pretty sold on this one.

The Offended Blogger said...

lmao and this is why I am glad to be a woman. :)

Tgoette said...

LOL! Thanks to your post I'm going to start checking myself several times a day - even while I'm driving. Can't be too careful, right?

Secretia said...

You're Nutz! Thanks for visiting Secret Story Time!

That was a scary story, good that you are OK!

Secretia

Moooooog35 said...

I self-exam myself once, maybe twice a day.

Actually..not sure I'd call it an 'exam,' but whatever.

Hänni said...

OK I really like nuts, but I'm so very glad I don't have them.

Sebastian said...

Fuuu-ck, dude.

Seriously...

That was too much.

Really...

Ed Adams said...

First, I want to thank everybody who commented on this. Not only did you help lighten a dark subject and period of my life, but you gave me quite a few laughs. Also, my wife pointed out that I put Howard Hugh instead of Howard Hughes. Thanks my OCD Honey, and sorry I misspelled your name.

Now to my replies...

Travis: You can't go wrong with Jesus.

Kristin: Glad to know my nuts aren't alone.

Coffeypot: I'd like the number to your doc, if I could.

carissajaded: Glad my psychosis could amuse you.

Hillbilly Duhn: Yes, I believe in taking matters into my own hands. Then moving them back and forth gently and then.....sorry, what was I saying?

Daffy: Alien? Where was his flying saucer then? Hmmmm?

Jessica: The taping up of the penis is actually a standard part of the procedure.

adienzgirl: With any surgery, there are always risks involved. Luckily, I am a professional.

booshy: I am so trying that mirror comb thingy.

Charisse & Holly: Dissecting our own sac, Yes. Getting it into our mouth, not so much. At least before the age of 50 and without lasting neck stiffness.

Heather Liegh: Ditto.

ScoMan: I think he is obviously cheating on you.

Aleta: Thanks.

Alison: SIX KIDS! Sounds like someone else should have had a ball or two removed.

Lauren: Sadly, that too is common. Guys need to take better care of their gear.

kys: Thanks. It's a gift, really.

Children of the 90's: Everybody seems to enjoy laughing at possible cancer patients.

The Offended Blogger: I was almost one nut closer to being a women.

Tgoette: If I can save one other persons nut, it will have been worth it.

Secretia: Thanks.

Moooooog35: Can never be too careful. One man's fondling is another man's exam. At least that's what I told HR.

Hanni: Those are the only M&M's worth eating.

Sebastian: I'm as serious as a panic-I-almost-cutoff-my-own-ball-attack.

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