Friday, July 17, 2009


A friend recently had a new baby, well actually his wife had the baby-he just contributed in a small way and earned a new tax deduction for his efforts. Anyway, after seeing such deduction I have judge it to be quite cute. Now, most women will tell you there is no such thing as an ugly baby, but women lie. Not on purpose mind you. I don't say that to be derogatory to women, but they are unable to see the ugliness due to their motherly hormones and innate love of babies.
Having worked in a Pediatric clinic twice in my life, trust me, there are some ugly babies. Ugly! It's not their fault. They may turn out, with a lot of luck-work-money-surgery-etc, to be beautiful people. They just so happen to enter this world making it hard to determine which end to put the diapers on.
You know, or should know, if you have one of these. People are always saying stuff like, "They're a special little thing", or "They look just like their daddy/mommy"-who happens to be a little short changed in that department, or maybe "Aww, how precious! I wish my eyebrows were that thick", or even, "Everybody should be so lucky as to have an extra ________" (extra parts unlike extra credit are not a good thing). These don't always indicate ugliness, but look at the person's facial expressions when they say such things. Do they have a slight wince? Do they look somewhat fearful? Maybe they are plastered with that fake smile that the restaurant hostess has. Maybe they are fugly themselves, thereby making them a poor judge.
Regardless, some babies are just ugly. If you got one, maybe God decided you needed some humility in your life. All you can do is love your little gremlin and pray. And DO NOT get cute and give it a name like Summer, Lovely, Eve, Aphrodite, or Adam, Adonis, David....or some other name that implies Beauty. You shouldn't be mean and give it a name that reflects it's future as a layaway department attendant, either. You know the one's I'm talking snicker everytime you hear them. Besides, then they may grow up to be a really hot person with a name like Matilda....or Madusa.....or Beelzebub......or Butthead.
So, if you have an ugly kid, don't be ashamed, just blame your partner. Preferably when they are not around!


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