Thursday, September 1, 2011

It's Like I'm Fabio's Illegitimate English-Speaking Son!

Most days, I like to ride my bike back to work after lunch.
It gives me some exercise that sitting behind a desk all day doesn’t.
And, with the way gas prices are, it prevents me from having to sell that extra kidney.
There’s this old railroad line that has been converted into a recreational pathway called “The Cardinal Greenway” which runs near my house.
It takes me almost all the way back to work.
See…

Well, through my sunglasses it looks more like this…


It has flowers, trees, wildlife, and no cars. It’s quite lovely and makes for a pleasant ride.

It is also quite close to Indiana Wesleyan University.
Meaning it’s not uncommon to see college girls out jogging.
I appreciate the finer things in life.
One day last week, while returning to work, I encountered a group of hot college girls out jogging.

They, OF COURSE, noticed me and were smitten.  
::stating the obvious:: 

They smiled.

I smiled.
They waved.
I…..
SUDDENLY….
Out of NOWHERE….
Something hits me RIGHT.BETWEEN.THE.EYES!!!!
I’m guessing by the force of impact, it looked something like this…

Some kind of flying wombat/pterodactyl /California condor type thingy.
“Ed”, you might say, “You’re not even anywhere close to Australia OR California!”
EXACTLY my point!
These things are ruthless in their endeavor to make me look a fool.
Just like that bird that hit Fabio in the face on that rollercoaster. 

Birds have NO respect for perfection!

“But Ed,” you might add, “pterodactyls went extinct 65 million years ago!”
HA! They said the same thing about the Coelacanth until some Japanese fisherman caught one. Now those things are turning up everywhere. 

Granted, they aren’t hitting people in their faces. But that’s because they are fishes, NOT cool dude-hating birds.

“But Ed,” you might ask, “You said you were just ‘guessing’ it was a wombat/pterodactyl/condor thingy. Do you mean you aren’t sure or you didn’t see it?”
Well, the last thing I remember seeing was this… 

Which is CLEARLY a wombat/pterodactyl/condor hybrid! Case closed!

Regardless, the moment was ruined.
The girls watched as I was assaulted by nature.
I, however, remained calm and rode on like it was nothing more than a tiny gnat.
Because I’m cool like that.
I won’t lie though. That shit HURT.

P.S. I recounted this story for the wife later. She, after laughing uncontrollably for what I thought was an obscenely and offensively long amount of time, said, “THAT is what you GET for smiling at other women! You didn’t know I had wombadactyldors on my payroll, did you?!”
Touche, wife. Touche.

10 comments:

Brutalism said...

Awesome. Really.

Joshua said...

They'll get you every time. And by they, of course, I mean wives.

Moooooog35 said...

Two things:

1) You wear your sunglasses ridiculously far away from your face and

2) It's like that song says, "Tequila and sometimes wombat/pterodactyl/condor hybrids make her clothes fall off."

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Well clearly "it" was a Japanese throwing star! I mean DUH. Or wait. Was that picture not REAL?

Also with all that hot boobage jogging nearby, be happy it only hit you in the FACE.

Coffeypot said...

It is so hard to stay cool and look sexy when you have wombat/pterodactyl/condor hybrid blood, guts and shit spread all across your face. But then, it would help your looks...sexy stud.

Momma Fargo said...

Nice military birth control glasses. Brilliant art work. Except no woman or girl is that perky. Just sayin'.

karen said...

Nice artwork...and what kinda weird creature was that anyways? Ewwww!!!!!

Pat said...

First off, thanks, I think I peed a little reading this.

Secondly, what are those, x-ray vision glasses? Why all of a sudden are the college girls topless? And why did nobody else notice this? Duh?

Third, by the sounds of it, you DESERVED to be smacked in the face by a flying indescribable creature, for looking at other women, you dickwad!

Pearl said...

First time here, and you made me laugh.

I've added you to my blogroll, because that's what happens when you make me laugh.

Pearl

King of New York Hacks said...

Amazing how women laugh when things like that happen to us ...but when it happens to Fabio its "oooo poor Fabiooo" Lol ..cool blog bro, first time here as well.

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