Friday, August 19, 2011

Anderson Cooper's Gay Laugh Pisses Me Off, But Not As Much As These Things...or...A Lesson In Urinatomy"

There’s been a lot of “Pissing” news lately.
Like the Fat French Actor and the American skier who publicly relieved themselves on planes.
 AND there was Anderson Cooper getting all giggly-schoolgirl while discussing them on live TV.
Well….since we are on the subject (which I brought up), I wanted to address something that most of us know but rarely talk about.
Urine habits.
No, I’m not suggesting you wear a Nun’s outfit.
I’m talking tinkle trials and tribulations.
Most of us know that as men and women get older, their abilities in this department change for various nature related reasons.
Women tend to lose control in that department.
Whether it’s triggered by a sneeze, cough, or laugh (It just Depends. Hahaha), a woman’s bladder becomes her panties worst enemy.
Most women have developed a technique to try and prevent this spontaneous leakage called the Double Hand Grab & Cover.
Feeling a sneeze coming on, she will instinctively use one hand to cover her nose, and the other hand to grab her crotch.
This technique is rarely, if ever, successful.
As men get older, they have the opposite problem.
With age, the prostate gland often becomes swollen and enlarged for various reasons, making urination a long (TWSS) and difficult process.
First, a quick anatomy lesson.
 The urine (pee, piss, ink for snow writing, etc) exits the male bladder (urine bag, last night’s beer keg) through the urethra (pee tube).
As it does, it passes the prostate gland on its way to the penis (Mr. Johnson, One-eyed Willy, Vlad the Impaler, etc).
The male body uses the same tube for both emptying the bladder and ejaculating (spreading the love juice).
After sperm (little swimmers) are produced in the testis (nuts, balls, family jewels, aka ‘The Boys’), they are sent up the Vas Deferens (of Vasectomy fame)to the Urethra, where they are added to seminal  fluid (water for the swimming pool) creating semen (love juice, baby-making cocktail, the pearls for the necklace).
SO, when the prostate becomes swollen later in life, it presses against the Urethra, effectively creating a traffic jam.
I am pretty sure this has something to do with another known fact to guys, but something the ladies might not be familiar with.
That being the difficulties in urinating after ejaculating.
Trying to pee immediately following sex is HARD, yo. (No pun intended)
It takes a while to get it started. And when it does, it burns/hurts/sprays EVERYWHERE.
Am I right fellas?
Sometimes the opening might be partially stuck shut from the recent activity, and no matter how well you aim, that shit is hitting the wall or the floor or the back of the toilet REGARDLESS.
You have to do some majorly quick aim adjustment.
Kind of like when you are playing that fair game where you shoot water into the clowns mouth and have to rapidly adjust your aim after the carnie turns on the water.
Cause once you start, there ain’t no stopping.
You can’t shut that sucker down. It hurts too bad.
The worst is when the center of the opening is stuck shut and you get the double stream going in two different directions.
No amount of “putting up the seat first” can save you then.
And FORGET peeing with an erection.
It AIN’T happening.


Momma Fargo said...

First...I'm way too young to experience any of these bladder problems. Second, what if you don't wear panties? boys have so many problems and it sounds like just another excuse to hold or touch yourselves.

Coffeypot said...

MF, I don't need an excuse to touch myself. It is an act of pure love.

If that shit starts, just sit down like the ladies. There is nothing in the man book that says you can't sit down to pee when you need to. I mean, when you take a shit, you pee with sitting. Just assume the position more often.

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Ed said...

For the record, my prostate works AMAZING.

Just speaking in general terms here.

Angie said...

I am fearful of that day when I am buying poise pads. I am grateful though that I won't have to worry about my hole getting stuck shut in the center though... uh... :S weird.


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