Friday, March 5, 2010

Fun Times With The Family...And How I Was Almost Eaten Alive

Wife giving 5 year old a bath last night

Wife: “SAM!”
Sam: *playing in tub and clearly not listening to mommy*
Wife: “Sam! You peed all over the toilet again! I am tired of cleaning it up! You better start wiping off the seat when you are done!”
Sam: “mmmhumm”
Wife: “Did you hear me?!”
Sam: “Yes.”
Wife: “What did I just say?!?!”
Sam: “I peed on the seat.”
Wife: “And?!?!”
Sam: “Wipe it off?”
Wife: “Right. So, what are you going to do next time?!?!”
Sam: “Keep doing it.”

*He had clearly gone back to not listening*

Lunch conversation yesterday between Me, Wife, and Mother-In-Hell, about the upcoming Tornado Alley Roundup in St. Louis

Wife: “A weekend in St. Louis will be fun. I’ve never been there before.”
MIL: “You have. We just didn’t stop.”
Me: “That’s how all my visit were. I’ve driven through St. Louis several times, but never went INTO St. Louis.”
MIL: “Oh Liz, you’ll love it. I remember when I saw the arches for the first time.”
Wife: “..........”
ME: *blink, blink*
Wife: “Arches?”
MIL: “In St. Louis.”
Me: “I think you were at McDonald’s.”

*clearly she doesn’t remember seeing “them” for the first time.*

While at lunch, my wife says that she is sure we have a mouse.

The dog has been camped out by the piano for hours, whimpering.

No worry, I say, because we still have the Live Traps I got last time we had a mouse.

I go home at lunch, bait and set the traps, and return to work.

Wife texts me to say that the 5 year old just brought her one of the traps, asking what it was.


When I get home, I go about resetting the trap, which the dog later sets off again.

In the meantime, the wife and I begin a thorough clean up and inspection of the area.

She finds bedding and mouse turds. I find little plastic toys it has been trying to eat.

Yep, we have a mouse.

I get out the vacuum and start sweeping the area behind the piano.

The dog is standing close by, like she’s about to get a treat.

Just then, I hear a thud.

I turn around in time to see Godzillamouse running at me.

I scream like a little girl and start running in place, because I’m a manly man.

My wife breaks into uncontrollable fits of laughter.

The dog is still looking behind the piano, and completely misses KingKongMouse as it charges Pamplona style, intending to devour my leg and ego.

At the last second, by the grace of God (or because it was frightened by my studliness), it veers into the kitchen and under the stove.

A thorough search of the stove yielded no mice.

This morning, the traps were still set.

So far, the overpriced Live Traps have caught a 5 year old and a dog, but no mice.

In my defense, here’s a picture of TerminatorMouse from last night.

As you can see....Mice are sucky spellers.


KimJohnson said...

Holy shiz that is a killer. It's a miracle you survived! Seriously.

Tony said...

You know what's scarier than a mouse in your house? A bird. Those turds are impossible to chase out, and they peck really hard...

Hopefully you get that rabid bastard though. Rabies aren't fun for anybody.

carissajade said...

Dude. I had a mouse in my house that was actually a rat. I killed that mother with poison but he got me back by dying in the wall and stinking worse than anything I had ever smelt. So don't kill him that way....

Forgotten said...

Seriously. Glue traps. Peanut butter in the middle. When it gets stuck roll it's ass up and toss it. I hate mice. Pissing and shitting everywhere, kinda like you come to think of it...


Momma Fargo said...

Well, at least you used live traps. Could you imagine what would have happened to the 5 year old and dog if you used the other? Ouch! And you better catch that mouse...they only grow exponentially. Nice art work. Especially the teeth...realistic stuff...and scary. I fear for you and your family. Good luck on the hunt.

Pastor David said...

Done the mouse thing a couple of times and that's no fun. They do like to die out of sight and stink up the joint.

My brother had a squirrel die in the walls of his house -- the stench was lovely.

Chased a bird or two out of the house, but the real fun ones are bats! They love to come out at night and fly around in the house. My wife got him with a tennis racket! Those two years of high school JV tennis paid off!

Anonymous said...

I laughed out loud reading this because I too have an effing MOUSE.

We've been getting them ever since they started working on our apartment building. The first two I cunningly caught and released far away. But this one's more wily. The thing's been evading my trap (a humane one with food in it and everything!) for days yet celebrating by running all around my bed at night making me sleep like a burrito in my blankets.

Today, as I'm home Fridays, I went out for five minutes to get coffee and obviously caught it unawares because I came in, heard this frantic scuttling noise and this gigantic thing the *size of a dog ran over my foot and under the dishwasher (where it lives).

I hit an octave Mariah Carey would be proud of and proceeded to almost pee in my pants. Goddamn thing has to go.

(*OK it was tiny. Bite me.)

MJenks said...

I'm in love with its tail spike, too.

Damn, dude. Spear and magic helmet up already and start slaughtering some rodentia.

5thsister said...

Now that's a funny post!

ScoMan said...

I think it's just the Freddy Kreuger gloves that give the mouse the edge.

Otherwise, I would have lost all respect for you.

Coffeypot said...

A 12 gauge works great on mice.

Hissyfits & Halos said...

Godzillamouse!!!! I laughed so hard, I almost peed my pants. I can just see you running in place, screaming!

I have lots of mouse stories. My fave is when I stuck a steak knife in the sewing machine to kill the nest of babies inside. In my defense, if we had opened it, they would have run everywhere. ;)

Oh, and Coffeypot....a .22 would work better. Not so much shrapnel. :)

Monique-aka-Surferwife23 said...

are you sure this isn't a self portrait?

Alex said...

Ba ha ha, I'll send you my feral orange likes to leave half eaten mice on my doorstep as trophies...only eats the tails though...sick, torturer cat...

Kiera said...

awesome! thats like the rodent from the princess bride.

i just ate peanut butter and its kinda making my mouth water and im getting a bit sick.

The Princess of Sarcasm said...

WTH are you doing with LIVE TRAPS?! I thought you were REPUBLICAN?!

Meagan@Megs7827 said...

Ew! That is gross! I love the arches!

Phillipia said...

And I thought my mice were big...

Moooooog35 said...

Does that mouse have a goatee?


Melissa said...

OMG...You men, I swear, all big and macho until a mouse comes along. Something smaller than the size of your big toe (exagerating I know). When hubby and I bought the house we are in now, he was going around changing all the light plates and fooling w/ electricity. I was painting all the areas that needed painted. I hear a terrible scream from the garage and I go flying out there, because he's fooling w/ electricity only to find out he'd seen a mouse. I laughed for so long at him, he ended up mad at me.

Daffy said...

How the hell did I miss this post? Yeah, I'm blogstalking you. I'm bored tonight and not quite ready to call it a night....still got a couple (40) martini's with my name on it.

Anyway, so you're afraid of a wee little mouse, eh? I think I'd just have to bond with the wife and laugh my ass off at your fancy footwork. I bet you scream like a girl and run like one of those dorky speed walkers....

Come to work with me sometime...we've got hoodrats that qualify for free lunch in the cafeteria because except for the lack of pants, you'd never know it wasn't a full grown 16 year old.

yeah, they're that big....

Welcome to the ghetto


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