Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Vasectomy report and randomness

I promise never to talk about my nuts again.

After this time.

So, the vasectomy went great.

As far as someone cutting on your junk can go.

My wife reasoned with me before hand, that making the doctor laugh during the procedure would probably not be to my benefit.

I agreed with this sound logic and therefore kept my jokes to myself.

Just so you know, myself was totally busting a gut at my funny.

The doctor was very nice and gentle.

The nurse was pretty.

She also was very loving of my cleanly shorn balls, and rolled them around in her hands playfully.

She even gave Little Ed a nice rub and tug beforehand.

Which is a total lie, because the wife was sitting there the whole time.

Party pooper.

But she wanted too, because I could see it in her eyes, and it looked huge.

When they started, I felt a slight pinch when the first needle went in.

Then, as the doc was working on the left side, I felt my back and left leg cramp up, and my toes started curling.

I think she had ahold of the wrong cord or something.

Anyway, she put a little more numbing in and it was good to go.

The whole thing took about 45 minutes.

Afterwards, it just felt like I got kicked in the crotch.

Or for you ladies out there, imagine really bad menstrual cramps, but worse because I’m a guy and not used to that once a month stuff.

Then, I spent the weekend lying around and using a bag of frozen peas (Which I will be secretly serving to the entire extended family on Christmas Eve…..sssshhhhhh!) for comfort.

The wife got a front row seat for the entire procedure, since it was taking place in her purse.

Her reaction was, “That was a lot worse than I thought it was going to be. They really downplayed it, but that was WAY worse. I didn’t realize they were going to be taking things out and putting them back in like that. You poor baby.”

Then she bought me a Blizzard at DQ because I was such a good boy.

Moral of the story, Guys?...Make sure your wife goes in and watches the whole procedure for big sympathy points.


As an aside: The wife and I were puzzled as to why they kept stressing ,“You are not sterile when you leave today!” ….Not only do they say that a bazillion times, but it’s printed on everything in giant bold letters……My wife even asked, “Do people actually go home and get busy right after having this done?”…..And they just kept saying that I was not sterile until they had 2 confirmed negative samples…..Ever the curious individual that I am, I went home and researched this phenomenon….Turns out, sperm can be stored downstream in the remaining tubes for 6 to 8 weeks afterwards, AND it takes approximately 15 to 20 ejaculations to clear the tubes!......I shared this info with the wife.

Her response……”Knock yourself out!”

Not exactly what I had in mind, but at least I now have permission.

_______________________________________________________________________________


So I spent part of this morning looking up remedies for “Dark Circles Under Eyes”, because evidently some people are scared by my Grim Reeperliness appearance in my vlog yesterday.

One person, who shall remain nameless…….okay, not really…..it was Dr. A, said, “Dude. What’s with the giant bags under your eyes? You need to lay off the late night porn and get some sleep.”

To which I replied, “It’s not the late night porn that won’t let me sleep. It’s the carpal tunnel syndrome CAUSED by the late night porn that won’t let me sleep. That shit be painful.”

Another anonymous bitcher commenter (ahem…Carol) said, “You look like you need some rest. Like a 24 hour nap.”

I like to think of these dark circles as my own permanent Eye Black, because you never know when the coach is going to put you in the game, and like a good Boy Scout, I always be prepared, plus sun glare is a bitch.

Not to mention, it adds to my rugged good looks, which I just mentioned after I said I wouldn’t.

I’m part raccoon, is my point.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Merry Christmas!

Don’t forget the real reason for the season.

God gave us his Son.

Regardless of whether we are celebrating it at the right time of year or not, it’s the principle that matters.

And if you’re Jewish, thanks for ignoring that Jesus guy, and opening the door for the rest of us.

Happy Chanukah!

42 comments:

Tamara aka Cheapskate Mom said...

FIRST!!!!

Tamara aka Cheapskate Mom said...

That is my gift to you. When people vy to be the first commenter then you know your blog has reached uber cool status! So for at least today you are uber cool, haha

I know of two people who had vasectomies and then a baby came after the fact. Like several years after the fact! Turns out the tubes can untie themselves...so don't be too aggressive with Little Ed! (Hey you are the one who said little...)

Did you do anything fun for your birthday? Hope it was great!

Daffy said...

I too suffer from dark circles.... I just used makeup...you could too. Justsayin...since you're neutered and all...

Sorry I couldn't pass up that dig...

On the bright side I am so totally wigged out about your details on the procedure that I will for ever be loving towards the hubs (like I wasn't before. He's the old one...I'm the one in my prime). I don't think I'd ever make him go through that. Of course I'm the one with rotten eggs so it wouldn't matter anyway.

Happy Birthday and Merry Christmas
Jesus is the reason for the season...thats Real

Bombshell BLISS said...

Have I introduced you to my twins...yeah those would be number four and five at my house. Ahem, post vas babies both of them. Just sayn'.

Anonymous said...

The nice thing about vasectomies vs. tubal ligations is that it's easy to test if the vasectomy is still working, even years later. If you're concerned at all, bring in a sample every year or so, just for peace of mind.

Tubal ligation failure can only be detected via pregnancy or HSG (having had one for that reason, trust me - not something I'd repeat on an annual basis.) That's why my SO is now facing a vasectomy.

Ed: now that you know the necessity of "draining the system" post-op - have fun, fella.

Travis said...

Dude.

Is Anon a Dr? I want them commenting on my site.

Anyway, the peas thing was fucking hilarious.

Even better?

A light cream sauce that you've contributed to 15 to 20 times.

Meagan@Megs7827 said...

Thanks for the gory details! It sounds awful! Maybe you deserve another blizzard!

adrienzgirl said...

Oh,suck it up you big baby! I can't believe there were a bunch of rude bitches out there commenting on your dark circles, hello? RUDE!

Glad you are feeling better with permission to knock yourself out! SWEET!

Get crackin'!

Merry Christmas!

BeckEye said...

Well, happy vasectomy day. You got ice cream afterward? Are your tonsils inside your junk?

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Well! I hope your probably swollen bollocks don't make you walk like a horse for too long, although if they do, make sure to take another video. :)

I don't do the religious thing but I do Christmas in style, regardless. Merry Christmas to you, New Balls!

Jennee said...

You are the first person that has made me laugh over a topic like vasectomy! Merry Christmas!

Martinis or Diaper Genies? said...

Um. EW.
SICK. I can't believe she stood there and watched! It's not like you were giving birth and she wanted to see it for the first time. sickness.

Secret Agent K said...

Mental note to self:

Don't EVER eat peas OR cream sauce again...

Thanks Travis

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Excellent. The bar has been set. If I don't get a fucking blizzard when I get my snip snip cauterize done later this year, I'm totally throwing a fit.

Tgoette said...

Dude, that was hilarious. You should have another surgery so you can write funny shit about it. Do you have your tonsils still? Appendix?

Travis, you are so sick! But we love you anyway.

Enjoy cleaning out your tubes and your two follow-up appts! (You may want to bring your own porn)

Cassie said...

Sorry for your loss...(you know that all so important piece of tubing) and Merry Christmas!

Elizabeth J. Adams said...

@ Martinis: Sick? I was there because my husband and I are always there for each other..no matter what. We just do things like that. We stick together when one of us is down. I don't really know whose idea it was for me to be there, it was just assumed. I can tell you there was benefit to it. I at least knew he wasn't exaggerating any recovery issues and that he deserved some extra help. I am not squeamish and I was just there. It's not like I enjoyed it. But for us, love is not just sticking around for the stuff you enjoy. He, on his own, chose to have the surgery which he called "taking one for the team". I chose to be there for him to show him I will ALWAYS be here for him. That's just how we roll, you call it sick, I call it love.

Coffeypot said...

The peas thing was funny, but you only had to take a couple out of the bag. The rest are good to go for the dinner.

Good that you also remembered Jesus and the reason for the season. And it's not because he is the patron saint of vasectomies

Travis said...

Dude, I fuckin love your wife.

That's real.

justsomethoughts... said...

i was going to say keep milking it
as in the sympathy
but i'm afraid that would be taken the wrong way

so, way to go dude.
enjoy clearing your pipes
and the afterparty

and a holly jolly one

Alex said...

Your wife rocks!

My hubs said he would never, ever, ever, never get the snip.

So stupid babies keep appearing in our house. Way to take one for the team.

Dual Mom said...

Glad to hear all went well..

*silence*

Your wife scares me.

miss. chief said...

TAKING THINGS OUT?! wow I didn't know it was that...intrusive

Aleta said...

I know I don't contribute much to the comments, but damn, you are funny. I always leave.. laughing and thanks for that!

Trooper Thorn said...

My nurse was hot too! I think we are all part of a large Pavlovian experiement to see if men still dig hot chicks if we are forced to associate them with inpleasant genital activity. So far I still like hot chicks, although that same nurse may not pass the test with me again.

The Office Scribe said...

My mom used to buy me DQ after my doctors visits too.

Except for the time I was diagnosed lactose intolerant. Because that would have been uncool.

Sebastian said...

I'm not sure what the correct response here is... 'Well done'? 'Merry Vasectomy!'?

No, doesn't sound quite right...

Well, anyway, YOU MADE IT!

35 and all tied up. Chrikee. Well, whatever works I guess.

Happy birthday, Christmas, and all that JAZZ.

I hope your wife is particularly giving throughout the festive season.

God, I need to get a girlfriend...

Captain Dumbass said...

So how long does the kick in the crotch pain last?

ScoMan said...

It's great that you found you so entertaining. Just a shame that you couldn't share you with the rest of the room.

Oh well, another time I guess.

Like walk into the hospital on Monday when the doctor is with a patient and be all "Now at this part of the procedure, I was going to say .... I know, hilarious, right?"

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Secretia said...

You're just as funny as you were before, but you're not nuts anymore!

Moooooog35 said...

Thanks for bringing back the absolute HORROR of the needle to the balls, thing.

Joy.

During mine, the doctor and hot nurse (I find it interesting that they save all the hot ones for the ball surgeries) looked at my freshly shaven junk.

The doctor said:

"Hey! Great job down there!"

I know. I should be a professional.

Kurt said...

That's why my bathroom is filled with circus mirrors. I think I'm hung like either a donkey or a cat or sometimes like I don't know what because it's wavy and fat like a balloon.

Carol said...

Merry Christmas to you from the Bitch! I hope your balls itch!

That's REAL!!!

Ed Adams said...

Cheesecake: So this means I have to tell people you were my first? My brithday was spent lying around with frozen peas on my balls. I did eventually get out of the house in the evening. And I got a Craftsmen drill from my mom, so that was cool.

Daffy: Thanks for the makeup tips. Glad my trauma could benefit your hubs. Tell him to send cash to ed@edsfunnypages.com.

Bombshell BLISS: Thanks for ruining my promising future. Hopefully you're just a fertile freak of nature and that is uncommon.

Anonymous: WOW. Thanks. I'll be thinking of you. But not really.

Travis: Cream sauce, CHECK!

Meagan: Sounds good to me, but I think the window has closed.

adrienzgirl: Thanks. I'll be thinking of you too. Okay, not really.

BeckEYE: No, but sometimes the wife's are. I wish.

Veggie Killer: I walk that way anyway, but maybe I can continue to use the Vasectomy excuse for the rest of my life. Thanks for the idea. Also, Merry Christmas to you. And don't worry, I know not all my readers are religious. I never descriminate against any Hell-bound Pagans. ;)

Jennee: I consider that an honor. Thanks.

MODG: Someday, when you're in a loving relationship, and your thoughts and feelings revolve around someone besides yourself, then you'll understand. Also, she was sitting down.

Secret Agent K: You know you want some.

mjenks: Hold out until you have it in writing.

Tgoette: I still have all my normal parts. I would prefer a less invasive way of coming up with posts, but you have to give the public what they want. Also, the samples come from home. They don't want you spilling seed in their office. I guess that would cost extra.

Cassie: Thanks. Merry Christmas.

Elizabeth Adams (aka my wife): I love you! So do my balls! They told me so the last time I looked in your purse for spare change.

Coffeypot: Jesus was the patron saint of Vasectomies? Is that a Catholic thing? You probably mean Circumcisions.

Travis: My dislexia kicked in a little when I first read "Dude, I fuckin love your wife." right after the "I" and before the "your" and I was like.... >:O
Then I reread it and saw that you weren't having intercourse with my wife.

justsomethoughts: I totally still took that the wrong way and began "milking it" as soon as I read that, and now there's a cleanup in isle 4.

Alex: Yes she does. Tell your hubs I said "Don't be a baby!" If that doesn't work, there's probably some place on the internet that would show you how to do one yourself while he's asleep.

Dual MOM: Don't be scared. She's really nice in person. She just types all Jackie Chan-y.

miss chief: It is. And then some.

Aleta: Thanks. That comment means as much or more than the rest. That's what I truly do this stuff for.

Trooper Thorn: It's like a conspiracy. I kept looking around for Fox and Mulder.

The Office Scribe: Ha! She could have at least driven by DQ and let you smell it.

Sebastian: Thanks. Merry Christmas or whatever you Brits celebrate across the pond. Soccermas or Pubmass or something. Also, I thought you had to beat the ladies off your sexiness with a stick.

Captain Dumbass: Not long. It's more of a dull ache. Some tenderness. Couple days at most.

ScoMan: Damn, I'll have to try that if I can talk myself into it. Myself lacks courage and is kind of a pussy. It's such a bitch, living with him.

Anonymous: Did you just spam my comments?!?!? I really have made to the big time now, haven't I?

Secretia: HAHAHahahahaha. That's your funniest comment that you left on my blog about my vasectomy that used the word nuts EVAH! Congrats! Seriously, good one.

Moooooog35: Are you offering to shave my balls for money?

Kurt: I envy your bathroom walls. Not because I want to make your junk wavy, but because I want to be covered in circus mirrors.

Carol: Thanks bitch. I know it was all in good fun. I hope you know that too. Luv ya. Merry Christmas to you and the Cleavers!

The Blue Zoo said...

Glad to hear that your V-day wasnt too awful! At least you got a Blizzard.

kys said...

All these post vasectomy baby stories are freaking me out. I told my husband about them and his solution is blow jobs as birth control. Merry Effin Christmas to me.

Anonymous said...

Travis:

As it happens, I am a doctor. DVM, not MD, though.

Ed:

No worries. Sounds like E has that department covered more than adequately!

hotpants™ said...

Dark circles are hereditary. So, basically you're screwed. Staying hydrated helps though. I have them and NO amount of sleep ever helps.

Mrsblogalot said...

Wow! A DQ treat and permission? What will you ask Santa for?

Corrie Howe said...

My husband had the procedure done within says of me having our last baby. His mom and dad had come to take care of us during our recoveries. So I guess it was good timing, since I was out of commission for six weeks anyway.

He also had the frozen peas. We bought the real cheap ones so that he couldn't complain when I threw them out.

I wasn't at the procedure. I don't know how your wife did it. I can't even watch fake blood on TV.

Merry Christmas. I chuckled at the comment Thanking Jewish people for ignoring Jesus so the rest of us could get in. True.

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