Thursday, October 22, 2009

TMI Thursday: I could fill your pool.....

Lilu has evidently decreed it to be National Talk About Your Poop Day.

Since I hate being told what to do.....

I pee.

I pee long time.

Seriously, I could fill a pool. It's not that I have an enormous.......bladder. Or that I hold it too long. Or that I drink too much.

Okay, those are all probably lies.

But when I pee, it's like an opera with no Travis fat lady.

It's like those drinking fountains in school when the button gets stuck. Remember that?

Or like a urine dispenser that keeps dispensing urine and won't shut off and everybody is thinking "where does it keep coming from" and "why won't it stop" and "who even knew they made urine dispensers but now I totally want one cause I would be the only kid on the block with one and that would be cool."

Huh?

But I digest...

It's not an enlarged prostate machine gun stop and start type of long problem.

More of just a running faucet.

Even Racehorses are like, "Damn dude!"

I have been in a crowded restroom, with lines at the urinals, and when I step up to the plate (plate in this instance being the white urine catcher on the wall), the bathroom will be completely empty before I step away.

Guys will walk up to the urinals next to me, do their thing, and leave. I'm still going. The line behind me empties. Maybe a few, "Jesus, man, how much longer?"

See, I just wait until I have to go. Then I relax and let it flow. Breath deep. The bladder wall is made of smooth muscle which is contracted during respiration. (don't say you never didn't learned nothing on the Funny Pages)......(Look honey, a triple negative! And you said it wasn't possible. Or said it shouldn't be. Same diff.)

I remember a time me and the dude I let bone my sister Brother-n-Law were on a road trip back from Chicago.
We had been drinking most of the day at an outdoor sporting event, and we finally got outside the city far enough that exiting the highway wouldn't require murdering other drivers.
We pulled off at a rest stop.
Entered the restroom.
And commenced the hose down of the wall furniture.
The B.I.L. finished and exited.
Came back in 5 mins later.
Left again.
Came back 5 mins after that to make sure I hadn't shriveled into a raisin.
Left again.
Somewhere around minute 18, he finally told me that if I didn't press stop, he was leaving.

There you have it. I'm like the Energizer Bunny of urine. Instead of beating a drum, I'm squeezing a bladder.

17 comments:

Travis said...

I just keep thinking of the Chumbawamba song.

"Pissin the night awaaaaaaaay..."

I hate you, Ed.

carissajaded said...

my roommate was like you. I bet you're a bitch to share a bathroom with.

Aleta said...

"I hadn't shriveled into a raisin"

"Energizer Bunny of urine"

But the real question is... how is your aim??

Tamara aka Cheapskate Mom said...

10 minutes? Of straight pissing? No way. I call foul. :p

Daffy said...

I'm thinkin' this is like one of those 'fishing' stories. It grows and grows with each retelling. I'd like BIL's version of the story. You sure you didn't pass out in there? I had a friend once that was in the bathroom for like 30 minutes. When we went in to check on her she had fallen asleep on the pot...

Travis said...

Daffy! You just totally reminded me of another TMI post! Woo. Maybe next week. Maybe.

Stacie's Madness said...

right, good to know.

Lily said...

must be all the alcohol in your system...

adrienzgirl said...

I smell a rat! Ed, you lying sack of sewer water!

That ain't humanly possibly!

*GASP!*

I knew you were an alien inhabitant!

Sally-Sal said...

That's some good peein'

Jaime said...

But doesn't peeing feel GOOD? If I could pee that long, I totally would.

Vic said...

You must have a bladder the size of a pony keg!

kys said...

You are a freak of nature. I bet your mom loved taking you on car trips.

Sebastian said...

Jesus, 18 minutes?

It's really painful if my bladder fills up too much -- like when I get one of those buckets of coke at the cinema. Painful I tells you.

(You know there was/is a method of torture that involved making people drink water until their stomach almost explodes... and then repeating it over and over...)

Tom Goette said...

Dude,

I don't know if there is a Guinness World Record for pissing, but if there is, it sounds like you are a definite contender!

Moooooog35 said...

That skill will come in handy when you need to peel wallpaper off.

Not The Rockefellers said...

maybe in another life you were a statue on a fountain..or maybe your body is just super keen on filtering impurities..like you are a human Brita or something...or maybe you just drink a lot of Mountain Dew or something with a lot of caffeine...

Or maybe you are a river to your people :)

Peace~Rene

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