Wednesday, October 7, 2009

TMI Thursday: Amy G's First Time....

It's that time again for TMI, according to LiLu.

Today, I present to you my first ever guest poster, Amy G.

Amy and I went to high school together. (yes I went.......occasionally)
Anyway, she follows my funny pages and loves TMI Thursdays. Since she begged & pleaded asked nicely if she could guest post sometime, and I have hit a TMI wall, that sometime is NOW.


So, without further ado......

(Disclaimer:
Everything below this point is solely Amy G. I take no blame for views, opinions, language, spelling, weather, or other offensive things. I will, however, take credit for any laughing it generates.)

My first TMI Thursday post:

*****

Okay, we'll start with a back-story. I am recently divorced (finalized in April) and my ex husband and I were together for 11 years. In that 11 year time period he gave me some wonderful memories such as:

~He once depantsed me in front of an open picture window (that faces the street) at night, while my hands were wet doing the dishes, making the process of getting my pants back up slower.

~The time I was enjoying a hot shower and he went into the utility room and shut off the hot water from the source.

~His favorite game of farting in the vehicle, and as soon as the smell started to emerge, he would suddenly hit the power windows and roll down MY window, so that it furiously sucked the offending odor towards me. (I have to admit, that was pretty good.)

What you have to understand, is that I have LITTLE TOLERANCE for this kind of crap. I have an insanely bad temper-I am an Irish-Scottish redhead who is also a Scorpio. If you don't know what that combination means...well, just ask any of my exes.

Anyhow, one day about 5 years ago, I was living up north near Fort Wayne, in the cute 3 bedroom ranch that we had there. I was enjoying some alone time, sitting in the tub with some Bath & Body Works and relaxing, and then IN WALKS THE EX. He decides that since I am naked, wet, and basically CORNERED-that it would be an opportune time to do something to me...and I don't mean in a GOOD way!

So I am sitting in the tub, and I see him coming. I start yelling at him to get out, and he is laughing maniacally like he only does when he is tormenting someone. I am helpless. He comes close to the bathtub, stands over me, and suddenly turns around, and passes gas in my direction. I am yelling and punching his legs with my fists, and getting really ticked off. Instead of leaving, however, he decides to take things up a notch. He undoes his pants, and proceeds to MOON ME at close proximity. (For a quick second here, think about the placement of all individuals involved...and where his arse would be in relation to my face.) He is mooning, laughing, and farting with wild abandon, and then it happens.

YES...you guessed correctly.

He must have squeezed out one fart too many, because suddenly a small piece of feces plopped out of him, landing onto the edge of the tub, missing me and my bathwater by about one inch.

We were both in hysterics-he was laughing so hard he had tears in his eyes and sounded like a hyena as he ran out the door. I took on the persona of Yosemite Sam, complete with gibberish replacing swear words and the red color rising from my feet until smoke blew from my ears. I can't tell you everything that I said and did to him after this event, because the trauma caused me to block much of it out. ;)

(Did I mention that we are now divorced?)

Thanks Amy!

Let's give Amy a hand. And some disinfectant.

16 comments:

Travis said...

Wow. I've heard of shitting the bed before... But shitting the bath? Congrats Amy, on a great TMI!

adrienzgirl said...

Do the words "Dead Man Walking" mean anything to you?

Daffy said...

It would've been REALLY hard to NOT shove the B&BW bottle in his ass and watch his head explode from the back-pressure!

moooooog35 said...

If plopping a dingleberry piece of shit on the side of the tub while my wife is in it is wrong, I don't wanna be right.

Alison said...

I too am a red-headed irish gal and that man would have need some surgical intervention.....with hi arse that close his "boys" were in reach as well and would have been flushed like his terd should have been

Carissajaded said...

OhmygodohmyGOD! haha that is disgusting! I just had to dry heave a little bit. At first I thought he was going to pee on you, then this story took a major turn for the worse!!! EWWWW!

CK Lunchbox said...

Uh, yeah... this qualifies as TMI. Who were you married too, someone off the show Jackass?

GingerMandy said...

i have the irish redhead temper, too. that being said, he would have had some sort of soap/shampoo/conditioner bottle lodged in his rectum.

Hillbilly Duhn said...

Yeah, I'm afraid he would have found something or other, whatever was in reach, shoved up his bottom! LOL!

My comment is so not original due to the previous commentors stealing my comment. lol

Amy Gabbard said...

Thanks for the support everyone-I am glad that you enjoyed.

CK Lunchbox-yes, my ex does resemble Johnny Noxville in many a way...he could have easily fit in with the cast of Jackass.

LiLu said...

Oh, CLASSIC TMIT! Well done, Amy! :-)

Jeney Peney said...

I am pretty sure if that was me... and he had is balls that close to my fist... he would have thought twice about putting his ass in my face.

Great TMIT!

Jay Ferris said...

If that's not love then I don't know what is.

linda said...

omg.

Tamara aka Cheapskate Mom said...

If you had candles in your tub you could have lit his ball hairs afire!

What a nasty man.

I would have figured out a way to pick up his feces and laid it on his pillow before bed.

Congrats on your divorce!

Secretia said...

I see why he's your X now!

I like the depantsing part tho!

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