Today, I present to you my first ever guest poster, Amy G.
Amy and I went to high school together. (yes I went.......occasionally)
Anyway, she follows my funny pages and loves TMI Thursdays. Since she
So, without further ado......
(Disclaimer: Everything below this point is solely Amy G. I take no blame for views, opinions, language, spelling, weather, or other offensive things. I will, however, take credit for any laughing it generates.)
My first TMI Thursday post:
Okay, we'll start with a back-story. I am recently divorced (finalized in April) and my ex husband and I were together for 11 years. In that 11 year time period he gave me some wonderful memories such as:
~He once depantsed me in front of an open picture window (that faces the street) at night, while my hands were wet doing the dishes, making the process of getting my pants back up slower.
~The time I was enjoying a hot shower and he went into the utility room and shut off the hot water from the source.
~His favorite game of farting in the vehicle, and as soon as the smell started to emerge, he would suddenly hit the power windows and roll down MY window, so that it furiously sucked the offending odor towards me. (I have to admit, that was pretty good.)
What you have to understand, is that I have LITTLE TOLERANCE for this kind of crap. I have an insanely bad temper-I am an Irish-Scottish redhead who is also a Scorpio. If you don't know what that combination means...well, just ask any of my exes.
Anyhow, one day about 5 years ago, I was living up north near Fort Wayne, in the cute 3 bedroom ranch that we had there. I was enjoying some alone time, sitting in the tub with some Bath & Body Works and relaxing, and then IN WALKS THE EX. He decides that since I am naked, wet, and basically CORNERED-that it would be an opportune time to do something to me...and I don't mean in a GOOD way!
So I am sitting in the tub, and I see him coming. I start yelling at him to get out, and he is laughing maniacally like he only does when he is tormenting someone. I am helpless. He comes close to the bathtub, stands over me, and suddenly turns around, and passes gas in my direction. I am yelling and punching his legs with my fists, and getting really ticked off. Instead of leaving, however, he decides to take things up a notch. He undoes his pants, and proceeds to MOON ME at close proximity. (For a quick second here, think about the placement of all individuals involved...and where his arse would be in relation to my face.) He is mooning, laughing, and farting with wild abandon, and then it happens.
YES...you guessed correctly.
He must have squeezed out one fart too many, because suddenly a small piece of feces plopped out of him, landing onto the edge of the tub, missing me and my bathwater by about one inch.
We were both in hysterics-he was laughing so hard he had tears in his eyes and sounded like a hyena as he ran out the door. I took on the persona of Yosemite Sam, complete with gibberish replacing swear words and the red color rising from my feet until smoke blew from my ears. I can't tell you everything that I said and did to him after this event, because the trauma caused me to block much of it out. ;)
(Did I mention that we are now divorced?)
Let's give Amy a hand. And some disinfectant.