Ed's Funny Pages

FACEBOOK Fun: Here's What You've Missed.

2012-01-23T11:20:00.001-05:00

Although I haven't done much blogging lately, I still check in on Facebook and occasionally dispense my own brand of funny.

Here's what you might have missed if we aren't FB friends.

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Here's a poster I made for Facebook.

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Back to the posts.

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There's Nothing Funny About Firefighting Training

2012-01-17T12:12:00.000-05:00

As most of you know, I started Firefighter training earlier this month.

Let me just say, there is a LOT more to being a fireman than calendars and parades.

Like Tenderloin frys. AND Pancake Breakfasts.

But seriously, I never thought there would be more to learn than which way to point the hose when spraying water.

Example: The other night we learned there are about 50 different types of electrical meters. You have to know the differences and how to pull each one, unless you want to be electrocuted.

Who knew?

There has been a lot of that kind of stuff.

Basically, we sit in class each night and learn all the potential ways we can die.

And if that's not enough, they show us videos of it happening to reinforce the death factor.

Sure, we learn cool stuff too, like how the leading cause of Arson fires is from friction.

It's generated by the mortgage papers rubbing against the insurance policy.

But seriously, there is a lot of mental stuff to this.

AND there is the physical stuff too.

Which brings me to this past Saturday. Saturday was our first experience working in our "Turnout" or "Bunker" gear (i.e. Fireman suit)
-Pants
-Rubber Boots
-Coat
-Nomex hood
-Helmet
-Gloves
-SCBA (Self Contained Breathing Apparatus) Mask & Air tank

About 25-30 pounds of life-saving fire-resistant layers & gear that make up the Firefighters personal protection equipment.

Our first task was to build confidence in our equipment by completing the SCBA Confidence Course.

Basically, we had to crawl around on all fours following a hose line, while wearing all that shit and breathing a limited air supply, to complete various tasks and overcome obstacles.

Did I mention we were basically blindfolded?

Yeah, they had us put our Nomex hoods on backwards. Couldn't see shit.

It sucked.

Here is a video of the exact course I completed. See for yourself:

Paul Thompson from the video is the same instructor I had. Great guy.

I'm not sure I built much confidence in my gear though. My SCBA malfunctioned, causing me to lose all my air and not be able to breathe. Twice. The first time right in the middle, and they made me fix it and start over. Thankfully, the second malfunction happened after I completed it the second time, because I would not have been able to do it a third time. I was BEAT!

However, I did build confidence in myself for not giving up and for completing the course, which is something several of the more experienced guys in the class were not able to do.

Funny News & FAILS

2012-01-09T10:17:00.000-05:00

My comments in BLUE, as always.

Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop arrested

MADISON, Wis. (AP) — A Madison man with an unusual name is in jail after police said he violated his bail conditions from a previous run-in with the law.

Thirty-year-old Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop is tentatively charged with carrying a concealed knife, possession of drug paraphernalia, possession of marijuana and a probation violation after his arrest Thursday.

He was arrested after residents complained of excessive drinking and drug use near Reynolds Park.

He legally changed his name to Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop in October. Court records show his previous name was Jeffrey Drew Wilschke.

Jeffrey must be a Hanson fan.

Papa John's apologizes for racial slur on receipt

NEW YORK (AP) — Papa John's Pizza is apologizing after an employee typed a racial slur on a receipt to a customer at one of its New York City locations.

Customer Minhee Cho posted a message on Twitter along with an image of the receipt from a Manhattan location describing her as "lady chinky eyes." ßHahahaha

Several hours later after the message had gone viral, the Louisville, Ky.-based company formally apologized on its Facebook and Twitter pages for Cho's experience.

The company says the employee was dismissed.

'If Fred Got Two Beatings Per Day…' Homework Asks

Christopher Braxton told ABC News affiliate WSB-TV in Atlanta that he couldn't believe the assignment his 8-year-old son brought home from of Beaver Ridge Elementary school in Norcross.

"It kind of blew me away," Braxton said. "Do you see what I see? Do you really see what I see? He's not answering this question."

The question read, "Each tree had 56 oranges. If eight slaves pick them equally, then how much would each slave pick?" ---7?

Another math problem read, "If Frederick got two beatings per day, how many beatings did he get in one week?" ---14?

Another question asked how many baskets of cotton Frederick filled. ---What kind of question is that? That story problem is incomplete!
"I was furious at that point," Braxton said. ---Me too! It’s impossible to answer!
"This outrages me because it just lets me know that there's still racists," said Stephanie Jones. Oh…guess I missed that part.
"Something like that shouldn't be imbedded into a kid of the third, fourth, fifth, any grade," parent Terrance Barnett told WSB-TV. "I'm having to explain to my 8-year-old why slavery or slaves or beatings are in a math problem. That hurts." ---As if Math isn’t confusing enough!

"In this one, the teachers were trying to do a cross-curricular activity," Gwinnett County school district spokeswoman Sloan Roach said.

Roach said the teachers were attempting to incorporate social studies into math problems. ---GENIUS!

"We understand that there are concerns about these questions, and we agree that these questions were not appropriate," she said. ---You think?

Utah woman uses fake mustache to rob neighbors

A 31-year-old woman in Salt Lake City has been charged with two counts of burglary after she allegedly used a fake mustache to disguise her appearance as she robbed her neighbors.

The Salt Lake Tribune reports that the unnamed woman's neighbors first noticed that several thousand dollars were missing from a security box inside their home. A later review of the box revealed that an additional $9,000 was missing.

In response, the neighbors then decided to set up a trap for the repeat robber, placing cash out as bait and setting up security cameras to catch it all on tape. That's when a woman, dressed in a "very large men's suit," a beanie hat and fake mustache was caught on tape using a key to enter the house and steal the cash.

Pretty much the only thing she wasn't doing in the video was twirling the fake mustache in sinister fashion while standing next to a set of train tracks. ßHahahahaha

The neighbors instantly recognized the assailant as their neighbor, who had in her possession a spare set of their housekeys to look after their home when they went on vacation. Police searched the woman's home and found the disguise inside.

Now, some funny stuff from the nets.

R.I.P. Mom

2012-01-06T11:27:00.000-05:00

If You Can't Stand The HEAT, Learn To Man The Hose!

2011-12-28T15:18:00.000-05:00

Guess what I agreed to do?

That's RIGHT!

I agreed to join the local Fire Department.

It's only volunteer.

Because I have a real job. (Ouch, BURN.) (Hahaha, I so punny.)

But seriously, it's a small department that only services a community of about 1800, so all the Firemen are volunteers.

I'm friends with some of the guys on the Dept.

Not sure exactly why they asked me to join.

I have a feeling it was to boost their annual calendar sales.

Next year, it's ALL me baby.

Maybe they just needed a bigger hose on the truck.

If you know what I mean. *wink,wink*

Regardless, next year I will be protecting the citizens of Jonesboro, Indiana from the dangers associated with improperly cooked Meth.

Or from trying to start their grills with a can of gasoline.

Or the dreaded burning leaf pile run amuck.

And let's not forget, decorating their walls with my Calendar of AWESOMENESS.

Training starts January 4th and runs until March 28th.

Wish me luck.

Twas The Funnies Before Christmas

2011-12-23T12:22:00.000-05:00

The other night, this happened:

The Girl (3 yrs old): **runs out of her brothers' bedroom with something**

Both Boys in unison: “HEY, GIVE THAT BACK!...MOM! SHE TOOK OUR SOMETHINGSOMETHINGTOYTHINGY!!!”

Wife(to girl): “Take that back in there.”

Me: “And, DON’T throw it, either.”

The Girl: **marching back to boys room**

Oldest Boy: “She THREW it!”

Wife(to girl): “Did you throw it?”

The Girl: “NO! I didn’t throw it. I HANDED it to him………….He just wasn’t there.”

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My mom fractured her pelvis over the weekend.

GETTING OUT OF BED!

She swears she didn’t fall, just “did a funny little dance”.

Most people do that “funny little dance” IN bed.

With a partner.

It’s safer that way.

The Hospice Case Manager showed up to ask mom questions and fill out forms.

That’s when this exchange took place:

Case Manager: “Are you depressed?”

Mom: “No. Not really.”

Case Manager: “Really? Boy, I would be. I would be majorly depressed!”

Hey, Ms. Sunshine, maybe you ought to consider a new line of work. You may not have the steely resolve cut out for the Hospice line of work.

While you’re at it, go ahead and cross these off your list of potential occupations:

1. Life Coach

2. Mental Health Counselor

3. Cheerleader

4. Suicide Prevention Hotline

5. Greeting Card Writer

6. Anything that involves dealing with other people.

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All week, The Wife has been looking forward to going to a “Live Nativity Scene” that some local church was putting on.

She has mentioned it several times, and reminded me frequently that she was looking forward to it.

Last night was the night.

After we ate dinner, she brought our little plastic nativity decoration into the dining room and explain to the kids that we were going to see a REAL LIVE one.

The kids asked if there would be REAL animals, because obviously donkeys and cows are more exciting than Baby Jesus.

The wife said she was sure there probably would be, because, HELLO, it’s a LIVE NATIVITY!

We get the kids dressed (yes, they were still in their pajamas, but screw you it’s Christmas break), and loaded in the truck.

Feeling festive, I crank up some Christmas carols on the radio and off we go.

We arrive at the Church and I can see the flicker of a campfire in the distance.

As we head that direction, I slow down and roll down the windows.

That’s when we see it.

3 hay bales.

A lean-to.

A teenage Joseph

A very over-weight looking Mary.

And a possibly drunken wiseman.

My Oldest Son: “Is THAT it?”

The Wife: “Wait….what?”

My Middle Son: “Where’s the animals?”

The Wife: “I don’t understand. Did we miss it?”

Then the sarcasm starts.

The Oldest: “That’s just AWESOME!”

Me: “Looks like we got here before the Shepherds and other Wisemen.”

Middle Son: “Where are the animals, mom?”

The Wife: “What a bummer. I expected it to be more majestic. I guess the real one was probably more similar to this one anyway. Except it had the whole bright starlight shining down.”

The Oldest: “Yeah, and God in human form.”

Me: “Maybe they are just on break.”

The Oldest: “Like a coffee break?”

Middle Son: “Even the animals?”

The Wife: “I think we missed it. It was supposed to be from 5pm-8pm. That’s the last time I trust the local paper for stuff.”

Me: “Nah, I think we’re early. By the looks of Mary, I think we got here before Baby Jesus even did.”

The Oldest: “This is GREAT! I can’t WAIT to do it again next year.”

The Wife: “Let’s just go look at the Christmas lights at the park instead.”

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I want to wish everyone a Very Merry Christmas.

For everybody else, feel free to have a Happy Kwanza/Chanukah/Ramadan/Festivus/Winter Solstice.

I’m sure the Kwanza people will be doing crazy Kwanza things.

The Jews will, no doubt, be spinning those weird top thingies and eating Chinese.

The Muslims will be avoiding pork and blowing themselves up.

Festivus people will probably spend the holiday watching Seinfeld reruns.

And let’s not forget the Winter Solstice people and their pagan customs with their dark robes and magic.

Meanwhile, we all laugh at the atheist who sits at home, drunk and alone.

My Mom

2011-12-14T15:56:00.000-05:00

Although I have been guilty of over-sharing on here before, I haven’t spoken much about this personal subject.

And I’m not asking for your sympathy, no matter how sincere.

I just had this on my mind and wanted to unload.

Most of you know that my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 esophageal cancer in September of last year.

Because she’s an overachiever, she skipped right past stages 1-3.

That’s like skipping to the last page in a novel and finding out who the killer was without reading the story. Except, in this case, the killer is your own body and the novel is your life story.

Anyway, my mom has been doing really awesome the last year or so. She’s a fighter and had faith that God would heal her.

She has consistently defied the odds.

The cute little female Indian oncologist she has told her in May that she had already lived longer than most patients with this type of cancer. Usually, they succumb to the disease before they finish their first round of chemo. Few make it six months. Her doctor said recently that she had never had a patient make it to the third round of chemo.

My mom has completed 3 rounds.

She has even had 2 doses of a fourth round.

All without the adverse side affects that normally accompany chemotherapy.

She has also had relatively little pain, which we have all been thankful to God for.

She has had approximately 55 blood transfusions during her battle with cancer, which I’m pretty sure legally makes her a vampire.

It says so in the Constitution.

But seriously, please donate blood. Mom would not have survived this long without the precious blood transfusions she’s received.

Over the weekend, my mom was admitted to the hospital. She had been weak and experiencing a lot of pain. They ran some tests and determined that she was bleeding out internally, partially due to the cancer spreading and growing, and partially due to the Coumadin she was taking for a blood clot that had recently developed in her leg. They decided to keep her in the hospital for a few days, and give her some blood. They ran more tests.

Her oncologist came in after her CT scan and said that the cancer is worse and spreading, and at this point, the chemo is doing more harm than good. She told my mom it was time to stop the chemo and focus on quality of life versus quantity. They also stopped the Coumadin when she was admitted and decided they weren’t going to restart that and would take their chances with the blood clot, which is the least of her worries at this point. They were able to get the bleeding under control, and get her blood counts up enough that she was able to be discharged home.

The doctor wants her to start hospice.

My mom is 66.

Never smoked.

Never had a drop of alcohol.

The woman is a SAINT!

She has been a wonderful mom and an even better grandma to my kids.

She is one of the nicest persons I know, and not just because she is my mom.

Now, my teenage self might have disagreed with that last statement, but only because he was kind of a dick.

Most people, who know my mom, love her.

She is a special person.

The kind that would give you the shirt off her own back. Not that you would want her to take her shirt off. You pervert!

Describing my mom to those who don’t know her is no easy task. I think that those who do know her would agree with this list of traits:

Highly intelligent, very quick-witted, humorous, big hearted, great moral compass, very compassionate, outgoing, cheerful, excellent judge of character and yet not judgmental, woman of strong faith, humble, on and on and on.

I really can’t even begin to list all her good traits.

So let me list a few of the bad……..Just kidding.

She’s wonderful.

The number of lives my mom has touched in her short time here is innumerable. And really, even she has no idea.

She has been a witness and an inspiration throughout her battle with this disease to those that know her.

She has never whined or complained or gotten angry with God.

And her concern for the well-being of others has never wavered.

For example:

When my mom was admitted, they put her in Peds because all the other beds were full. The place eventually emptied out, and on the last day my mom was there, it was only her and some 16 year old kid. The 16 year old ended up getting the same news my mom got. The old, “I’m sorry, there’s nothing else we can do. You just have to go home and wait to die” talk. My mom was devastated for HIM. Everybody that came to see her after that, she asked them to pray for that 16 year old. Not her.

THAT is the type of woman my mom is.

And although I am not giving up on her yet, and am in no hurry for her life to end, I am cherishing every moment she has left.

I told my sisters, the time for tears will come after she is gone.

Now, we laugh.

Wacky News And Funny Stuff From The Internetz

2011-12-07T10:29:00.000-05:00

First,

There has been some wacky news stories of late. You'll have to look them up for yourself, but let me summarize here:

1. A young blond model was horribly and tragically disfigured when she walked into the turning propellor of an airplane. This story is terrible and I'm ashamed for laughing. But I did.

2. A Southern California couple returning home was nearly beaten to death by a naked body-builder who had camped out on their front porch in a steriod induced rage. Hulk SMASH!

3. A Detroit mother of 6 traded in her $96,000 home for a $6,000 mini-van with 86,000 miles on it. That is one HELL of a used car salesman.

Now,

Here's some stuff from the web that made me laugh over the last week or so.

Demotivational Posters: FAILs Abound

2011-11-17T13:33:00.000-05:00

Virginia Vacation: Part 2 (finally)

2011-11-15T11:57:00.000-05:00

And now, the rest of the story….

Screw You, I’ve been busy….

Also, since it’s been over two weeks now, my events are probably out of order cause my memory sucks.

Example: One story I forgot to mention, at the end of day 2, we went to Walmart and my 3 yr old was accosted by Corky from Life Goes On.

Here’s how it went down.

I’m standing at the end of the toy isle where my daughter is playing. I see the Down’s Syndrome dude coming up the isle. He’s smiling, like they do, and seeming friendly. Then he stops his cart right be my daughter, reaches down and grabs her shoulders/neck area and does what I perceive as tickling while laughing. My daughter looks back at him like “WTF!” Then, he moves on just as quick.

Normally, I’m real protective of my cubs. Especially her. But I didn’t see anything wrong with it, and neither did she. At first. After he left, she started to freak out. She started wimpering and saying, “The yellow man (his shirt color, not skin color) chokeled me.”

I tried to calm her down, and assure her that he was just playing and trying to tickle her cause she is so cute. But she was adamant that he “chokeled” her. I felt terrible. I stood there and watched and didn’t do anything. It happened so quick. Plus, what could I do? I’m pretty sure beating up a Down’s kid is a hate crime, regardless the reason.

AnyCorky…

Day 3

More Rain.

Did I mention the Hotel had kickass continental breakfasts?

I think I gained 50 lbs that trip. Just ask my pants.

We spent the morning driving around Big Stone, visited more relatives, and went to the Museum of Southwest Virginia.

We stopped at a McDonald’s up the mountain for lunch. Cause the fries taste better at altitude.

Then we headed back to the hotel for rest and a swim.

I took the kids swimming while my wife and mom took a nap. Cause I’m an AWESOME husband/father/son. And cause women are lazy.

The 3yr occupies most of my time in the pool, as the boys can swim pretty good. I just have to keep an occasional eye out to make sure they don’t drown one another.

While with the 3 yr old, the following conversation took place:

*3 yr old daughter gets out of pool and proceeds to run around pool*

Me: “Don’t run honey! You’ll f….”

*She falls hard on her butt and side*

Me: “I tried to tell you not to run. Its slick around the pool and you will fall.”

*she looks at me like I’m Mr. Obvious*

Her: “Yeah.”

Me: “Are you okay.”

Her: “Yeah. Ouch.”

*she slowly makes her way back into the pool via the steps*

Her: “I have some owies now.”

Me: “Awww…poor baby.”

*I notice a visible red abrasion on her forearm*

Me: “Do you want me to kiss it and make it feel better?”

Her: “Yes!”

*She holds up her arm & I kiss it*

Her: “And here.”

*she holds up you foot & I kiss it*

Her: “And here.”

*She holds up you palm & I kiss it*

Her: “AND HERE!”

*She points to a big red mark on her butt cheek*

Me: “I’m NOT kissing your booty.”

Her: “COME ON! It’ll be fun!”

Me: “Uhh, no, not for me.”

*she grabs my chin and looks me in the eye like she’s trying some magical toddler hypnosis*

She: “Do you hear me?”

Me: “I’m still not kissing it.”

That evening, my cousins had orchestrated a family get together around an excellent feast.

Did I mention the extra 50 lbs?

It was great to see everyone. Some I hadn’t seen in 20 years, and a few I’d only seen on Facebook. Sad, I know.

Day 4

This was our last official day in Virginia.

We spent it sightseeing.

We went to the Natural Tunnel State Park, which also is where the legendary Lover’s Leap is located.

I tried talking the wife into recreating history (ladies first, of course), but she said no. Obviously, she’s racist against history.

We also drove up to High Knob, which is one of the highest scenic overviews in that part of the state.

About half way up to High Knob, we hit snow. Thankfully, being from Indiana, driving in snow doesn’t bother me.

Driving in snow on a narrow winding-ass mountain road is a bit different. But we made it.

Day 5

We woke up, packed, and headed back.

Our last official stop was at the ORIGINAL Kentucky Fried Chicken place in Corbin, KY.

My 12 yr old is a huge fan of KFC drumsticks, so this stop was for him. But it was pretty cool to see all the historical stuff they have there.

Back on the road, we hit a traffic jam between Lexington and Cincinnati.

And not just any traffic jam. I’m talking, dead stopped, people out of their cars walking around, traffic for miles and miles cause the interstate is closed, traffic jam.

It had evidently been that way for hours. We were only in it for about an hour. Somebody said it was multiple wrecks with an overturned vehicle or something.

Eventually, we made it home.

The end.

Our Virginia Vacation: aka Ed Contemplates Quadruple Murder/Suicide

2011-11-03T12:09:00.000-04:00

DAY 1

We planned to leave our house bright & early last Wednesday.

I even had the car all gassed up and loaded with luggage the night before.

And then morning came. And showers were taken. And 3 kids were dressed. And a cooler was packed.

And make-up was applied (not MINE of course. THIS beauty comes natural.)

Our 7am departure time turned out closer to 10.

Traveling with 3 kids is never easy. Add in 2 women and somebody ALWAYS has to pee.

After stopping 3 or 4 times in what should have been a 6 or 6 ½ hour drive, we got to our hotel around 630pm.

That’s almost NINE hours!

We’re lucky we ever made it down there.

The hotel was a newer Comfort Inn and quite nice.

It had all the things we look for in a vacation hotel: Indoor Pool, Complimentary Breakfast, Cheap, No bedbugs or dead hookers under the mattress.

This one had a Huddle House (like Waffle House) across the parking lot, which we dined in that first evening.

We finished the first night off with a swim.

Followed by 2 hours spent trying to get the free Wifi to work.

DAY 2

Rain.

The mountains are beautiful even in the rain.

We headed out to visit some of my mom’s relatives, but it was a little early so instead we drove up a mountain and got lost.

I was trying to find the tiny coal camp town that my dad was born in.

After several winding switchbacks on a narrow mountain road with speeding coal trucks passing in both directions, we ended up in Kentucky.

Believe it or not, you CAN turn a mini-van around on a narrow mountain road without driving off the cliff edge in front of you or slamming into the jagged cliff face behind you.

When we got back down the mountain, I stopped and asked for direction.

I KNOW, RIGHT?!

Ok, ok, the only reason I stopped was because SOMEBODY HAD TO PEE. Somebody always does.

We eventually found our way to the coal camp of Derby (my father’s birthplace) after going up ANOTHER mountain.

Geez, Virginia! Mountain much?

Seriously, it would be a lot easier to find things if maybe you did away with some of these mountains, or put everything on the same one.

After that, we stopped by a local cemetery to look for the graves or my ancestors.

And another. AND another. AND after stopping to see my mom’s relatives, we hit one more.

The wife and kids asked if we were on another “Big Tree Expedition”.

See, let me explain…

I love history. Like REALLY love it. If it’s old, it’s awesome.

Old towns, old buildings, old books, whatever.

In fact, I wanted to be an Archaeologist when I was a kid.

It was on the list right after Doctor and Actor/Comedian, but before Fighter Pilot and Male Stripper.

I also love trees.

I’m probably the only tree-hugging Republican on the planet.

And the bigger the tree, the better. Why? Because it’s OLD.

This WHOLE country east of the Mississippi used to be forested. Sadly, it was cleared by settlers. The trees you see today are all replants. There are very few virgin timber stands/forests left. Most are single trees or areas that were inaccessible or too hard for the timber companies to reach.

Indiana publishes a Big Tree List every 5 years, telling the biggest trees of each type in Indiana and where they are located.

One year, I took the wife and kids on a trip to southern Indiana for Spring Break, and figured we would stop by the biggest tree in Indiana (Supposedly a 167 ft tall Sycamore tree, 8 ft in diameter!!!**squeals& faints**), which I had gotten the coordinates for from the Big Tree List.

We spent probably 3 hours driving around in circles looking for that f@#King tree!

A tree we SHOULD have been able to see from some distance, given its height and Indiana’s flatness.

Did I mention I’m a relentless finder-er. When I am looking for something, I won’t give up until I find it (or until the wife makes me, as it was in this case). Probably the only time in my life that I am patient is when I am searching for something.

We never did find that f@#king tree!

But we did stop at a virgin forest on the way back in a different part of the state, which the wife and kids greeted with, “Oh great, more big trees.”

Jerks.

Anyway, it’s become a running gag, whenever I am spending a long time looking for stuff the wife & kids could care less about.

ANYSIDETRACK…

Meanwhile, back in Virginia…

We found some of my ancestors graves, then headed back to the hotel to get out of the rain and take it easy.

DAY 3

(To Be Continued)…

DEMOTIVATIONAL POSTERS: SOMETIMES funny stuff just happens.

2011-11-01T13:47:00.000-04:00

I am BACK from Virginia. I plan to do a vacation recap, as soon as I have time to type it all out and post it on here.

Now, some posters I made from stuff I found online awhile back.

Hope everyone had a safe, fun, and Happy Halloween.

I'm Headed For The Hills.

2011-10-25T16:25:00.000-04:00

I almost titled this "Hillbilly Vacation: Too Many Banjos For National Lampoons"

The kiddies are on Fall Break this week, so we are heading South.

Land of my roots, here we come!

We are taking my cancer-riddled mother down to Virginia to visit the place she was born and spend time with some relatives.

Both my parents are from Virginia, and moved to Indiana in the early 60's for the ~~actual civilization~~ manufacturing jobs created during automotive boom.

My dad actually left before that. After a trouble-filled stint in the Marines, and spending 2 weeks in a coal mine, he trekked out west to California for a few years.

He eventually returned to Virginia to claim his bride.

Obviously, he ~~had brain damage from all the second-hand marijuana smoke out there~~ was in love.

Since he was seven years older than my mom, he had to wait for her to ~~become legal~~ turn 18.

This WAS Virginia, afterall, and NOT Kentucky.
It will be great to visit my family again and hopefully get some good southern cooking.

We used to visit all the time when I was a kid, but I haven't been there since 2005, and that was for my grandmothers funeral.

The wife and kids have NEVER been there (and it's because it's an 8+hr car ride and my kids are nuts). And my mom hasn't been for over 10 years.

Soooooo....we are off.

Wish me luck. I might push myself off a mountain while I'm down there.

P.S. I hope to post on Twitter and update my Facebook status while gone with Highlights of the trip. Maybe even a few pics. <--(Assuming there is cell coverage/internet access in the sticks)
Make sure you follow along to track our progress and catch all the hilarity.

More Chatting With AT&T Service Reps: Ms. ANNA Reset.

2011-10-19T12:32:00.000-04:00

Since I have been falsely and racially (what? I'm part Cherokee!) accused of making these chat conversations up, I copy/pasted/posted this one in it's entirety, with only minimal editing (in BLUE) to save space.

It's long. (TWSS)

Enjoy! (TWHS)

Anna: Thank you for contacting Business Data Support. My name is Anna. Before we begin, can I confirm the wireless number that we will be working with is 7655062367?

Edward Adams: yep

Anna: Thank you.

Anna: I understand you are unable to access the Internet?

Edward Adams: yep

Anna: *paraphrasing here* Do this and that and clear a bunch of stuff and tell her what it says

Edward Adams: "No Network Connection: Cannot connect to Internet. Please check your connection settings and try again."

Anna: OK.

Anna: Are you able to clear those settings?

Edward Adams: I did. It took me back to the browser, but still says "Web page not found"

Anna: Thank you.

Anna: Please remove the battery & let me know when it is out.

Edward Adams: its out

Anna: One moment please.

Anna: Thank you for waiting. Please put this in & power it back on

Edward Adams: powering up now

Anna: Thank you.

Edward Adams: okay, now what

Anna: Is this displaying 3G or E by the service bars?

Edward Adams: nope

Anna: Same error when you try to access the Internet?

Edward Adams: yep

Anna: Thank you.

Anna: Go into settings, accounts & sync, do you have a check mark for background data?

Edward Adams: yes

Anna: Thank you.

Anna: Let's go ahead & remove the battery one more time, this time remove the SIM as well please.

Edward Adams: okay

Anna: Thank you. May I get the number on the SIM please? It states with 890.

Edward Adams: 89014103211816049914

Anna: Thank you.

Anna: Please put this back in & power it back on.

Edward Adams: I don't get this. It was working until yesterday afternoon.

Edward Adams: Did I break the internet? hahahaha

Anna: I don't think that you broke it. Haha. Have you been to any other location since this issue began?

Edward Adams: Nope. Just home and work

Edward Adams: I use the wifi at home

Anna: Are you at home or work right now?

Edward Adams: work

Edward Adams: ssssshhhh…don’t tell

Anna: Oh, I won't. When you were at home, did you try the browser without Wi-Fi to see if the issue was still occurring?

Edward Adams: yes and it was

Anna: Thank you. How far away is your work from home?

Edward Adams: about 3 miles

Edward Adams: My wifi is not THAT good

Edward Adams: Currently still no network on phone

Anna: I understand, I am just trying to determine if this is a network issue.

Anna: Is this your only AT&T device that you have available right now?

Edward Adams: yes, BUT my wife called and hers is doing the same thing and she has the same phone too.

Edward Adams: her number is 7655061845

Edward Adams: I guess that’s what we get for buying the refurb phones from AT&T…lol

Anna: Okay. It does appear that it may be a network issue, but we do have to complete all troubleshooting to be able to look into filing a network ticket. At this point, I would recommend a factory data reset. This will wipe the device back to factory settings, so you will want to make sure that you have it backed up, either to your Gmail account, SIM, or media on the SD card.

Edward Adams: oh crap

Edward Adams: how do I do all that?

Anna: Your contacts should be automatically synced with Gmail unless you changed that setting when you setup the phone. Are you able to access your Gmail account while at work to verify?

Edward Adams: Look, it’s OBVIOUSLY not just MY phone. Let's just say we did this thing, without doing it, and you put in the ticket.

Anna: I cannot do that, we would need to try this. The settings can be caught in the device where the master reset will resolve the issue.

Edward Adams: Plus, I only see my gmail contacts in gmail, not my phone contacts.

Anna: We can also copy the contacts to your SIM card, it will copy one phone number per name, up to 250 contacts.

Edward Adams: What about the apps I downloaded? AND all my passwords and stuff?

Edward Adams: Do you know how long it took me to setup up this phone so I could use all my stuff?!!!

Edward Adams: PLUS, all the data usage I already used up getting them in the first place....are you guys going to refund that if I have to do it all over again?

Edward Adams: And why is it affecting both phones on our account? I don't see how resetting my phone is going to fix my wife's too

Anna: If it resolves your device, than the same steps will resolve hers. All troubleshooting must be completed to get approval to file a network ticket.

Edward Adams: :(

Edward Adams: ANNA! Come on!

Edward Adams: Seriously?

Anna: It does have to be done, if it is not done & a ticket is filed, it will go nowhere.

Edward Adams: grrrr.....I should just box these up and send them back to AT&T and switch to Verizon.

Edward Adams: We haven't even had these a month and now they BOTH go down at the SAME TIME.

Anna: I do understand if you feel that way, it is not the best process but this is the fastest solution. If you had them less than 30 days, you can also exchange them for buyers remorse.

Edward Adams: okay, since you are unwilling to bend the rules or deviate from your script, how do I move every to my card.

Anna: From Home screen, tap Contacts, amd export to SIM card.

Edward Adams: Seriously, Anna, this network issue is common sense. You are losing serious cool points with me.

Anna: I understand, however, everything does have to be done.

Edward Adams: Luckily, all but one of my contacts were already on my sim card.

Edward Adams: what about the apps?

Anna: Go into settings, applications, manage applications. From here you can select each application & if available you can move it to the SD card. Personally, I think logging in from the computer after the reset & going into your history and resending them to your phone is a bit easier.

Edward Adams: And logging in works?

Anna: That is how I have restored my applications. You just select the application and select download & it automatically starts downloading onto your phone again.

Edward Adams: okay. I'll take your word for it and do it at home over wifi.

Edward Adams: now what

Anna: To do the master reset, go into settings, privacy, factory data reset.

Edward Adams: OMG! You better hope this works. If it doesn't, I am sooooooo sending zombies to your house!

Anna: I understand completely.

Anna: While this is going, may I get your current location address as well please?

Edward Adams: Are you talking my home address or my work, cause I am currently at work.

Anna: Your work address please.

Edward Adams: I work for the Federal Government. I can't tell you that. I could, but I would have to kill you if I did.

Edward Adams: lol

Edward Adams: 1700 E. 38th St., Marion, Indiana

Anna: Thank you.

Anna: How is this going?

Edward Adams: slowly

Edward Adams: Like a spelling bee with a bunch of dyslexic stuttering kids

Anna: Hahahaha…Okay.

Edward Adams: Home screen, FINALLY!

Anna: Is this displaying 3G or E by the service bars?

Edward Adams: OMG! ANNA!!!!

Edward Adams: My phone just exploded in a million pieces. There is shrapnel EVERYWHERE!

Edward Adams: J/k...it’s working

Edward Adams: I'll call off the zombies

Anna: Haha.

Edward Adams: Excellent. Now, come to my house and download all my apps again for me.

Anna: You will want to try the same steps with your wife's phone. I can email you this steps so you have them available.

Edward Adams: That would be great, thanks. She'll love you for deleting her Angry Birds high score, I can tell you already.

Anna: It is possible that the troubleshooting will work before needing to go as far as a master reset.

Edward Adams: I hope so. For your sake anyway, cause she's not nearly as forgiving and nice as me.

Edward Adams: :)

Anna: Haha. Do you have any other questions I can assist you with?

Edward Adams: What's the meaning of life? Why is the sky blue? Where is Jimmy Hoffa? Why can't the Cubs win the World Series? Where is Waldo AND Carmen Sandiago? What should I have for lunch? What are tonights Powerball numbers?

Edward Adams: other than those....nope.

Edward Adams: Thanks again.

Anna: Hahahaha…You are VERY welcome.

Anna: Thank you for your business and have a pleasant day.

Reunion Update & Demotivational Posters: From Funny Stuff I Found Online

2011-10-17T14:49:00.000-04:00

Here's a quick follow-up to the mini-class reunion thing I attended last Friday.

First, the Homecoming Parade.

Our Town ALWAYS does kickass parades. The best is 4th of July, but they will have a parade just to have one, it doesn't matter the reason...."Farmer Jim's cow just gave birth, LET'S HAVE A PARADE!!!"

And they ALWAYS do it up right.

Well, it was super cold and windy, so the people carrying signs were basically parachuting and hang-gliding down Main St.

Then, to top it off.....it rained. Yes, it rained on our parade.

Added with the cold and wind, it made the Queen candidates rethink their strapless dress choices.

The Homecoming game itself sucked just as much.

Final score: Mississinewa 20, Madison-Grant 34.

We headed to the bar, pretty sour after the loss.

Upon arriving, I had that momentary sense that I had been punked by my classmates.

There was hardly anyone there, except a few totally wasted old-timers and regulars.

Then, my classmates started trickling in. Everybody started talking and catching up.

The talking soon turned to shouting, as the DJ cranked up the music.

The waitress had asked what class we were ('93), and the DJ tried playing songs from our era.

Sadly, the poor kid had no idea, as he was probably listening to Barney & Friends in the 90's.

But all was forgiven after he played some of our requests and once enough liquor had been consumed.

Unfortunately, no pictures were taken by Yours Truly. My cell battery was almost dead.

Also, one classmate had warned that if any pics of him at the bar showed up on Facebook, he would lose his job at the local christian college.

Seems some denominations still believe Jesus and HisBoys drank Koolaide at the Last Supper.

I'm Presbyterian, so I had a Holy Heineken. Or 4.

Highlights of the evening: Probably the most complemented thing, besides my Speedo, was my wife Shufflin' on the dance floor to LMFAO's Party Rock Anthem.

I was asked several times if I was still doing Standup comedy, and when I would be doing it again.

FEAR NOT!! I am planning on returning to the stage soon.

Several people said they enjoyed my blog, which I was both flattered by and amazed to learn that many classmates actually read it.

I also learned one classmate doesn't use computers or cellphones. When he told me he was living in Pennsylvania, I asked if he had become Amish, which I thought a legitimate question, even given his lack of chinstrap beard and homely/fat wife.

Overall, about 18 or my 164 classmates turned up. Not bad.

Our FACEBOOK class group has about 110 members, so I thought there might be a few more.

But several have moved out of state, or had work things, or kid things, or some other BS.

A few had the rockhard alibi of being DEAD, but even that only gets you so far.

Regardless, I hope we can all do it again sometime. It was great to see everyone.

Especially the NOT dead ones.

Now, some posters I made...........................

It's Homecoming!!! Let's Party!

2011-10-14T13:33:00.003-04:00

For those of you who don't know, but should, I graduated from Mississinewa High School.

I can't believe it's been 18 years already. It seems like both yesterday and longer.

Although I don't remember much ~~drugs~~, hindsighted nostalgia makes me think it was a great time with friends.

In actuality, it was probably a lot of detention, ditching, hating life, and wishing I were somewhere else.

Awwwww....teenage angst.

I remember having lots of friends, and not really hanging with any one particular group/clique.

I had friends who were nerds, jocks, hoods (punks, headbangers/metal heads, skaters, pre-goth goths), and the popular chosen few.

Who knows what group my classmates put me in. I still don't care about that crap.

Most probably saw me as just a normal kid. Or maybe class clown.

I played sports. Mostly Football, wrestling, and track. I was actually really good at wrestling.

I was decent at football. I might have even of played college football and been an undrafted free-agent in the NFL, if Mr. Mckenzie hadn't kicked me off the team my senior year for ditching practice and getting caught chewing snuff in school.

I guess we'll never know, WILL WE MR. MCKENZIE?!?!

Bitter much?

After that, my recruitment letter from Univeristy College of Puerto Rico A&M State Tech was recinded.

It was a small school. Like NCAA Division 5 or something.

We would have played our games in the the stadium, which was basically the Dean/Athletic Director/Coach/History Professor's backyard.

But he kept the grounds nice.

But it's all for naught now. Thanks McKenzie.

In truth, tonight is Homecoming and a bunch of my classmates who are Facebook friends are getting together at a local club after the game.

It will be nice to see everyone and reminice. Maybe they can tell me what I did in High School.

I hope they introduce themselves. I am terrible with names and barely recognize faces. When they have just their married names listed on Facebook, I have no idea who they are.

Regardless, it should be fun.

I doubt they will recognize me though. I have gotten decidedly more handsomer, which I didn't even know was possible.

How does one improve on perfection? He just does. Thanks nature.

I've been debating on what to wear tonight. Most of my Ole Miss gear is long gone.

After some searching, the obvious and thoroughly appropriate answer is THIS:

Now, I just need to find a red speedo with a white M on it.

AND an extra-large carrying capacity in front.

A Rant By Comic Strip, Facebook Follies, And Some Funny FAIL Pics

2011-10-06T15:29:00.000-04:00

When a guy goes to the restroom in a public place/business, he expects to comfortably do his business and get out quickly, with as little mess as possible.

Since guys can stand to pee, our restrooms aren't as crowded and trips aren't as involved as when women go.

When we go, we expect to assume the normal position, as such:

Or...

Because urinals USUALLY are installed in ONLY two height ranges. USUALLY!

So, imagine my surprise, when I went in expecting the normal/average height urinal like such...

Only to discover that this establishment had invented a NEW installation height...

Now granted, I'm not the dashingly tall Greek Adonis that I once was.

It's true, I have lost about 4 inches in height since High School.

But I'm pretty sure I'm not the only person to use this restroom only to find the bottom lip of the urinal even with my NIPPLES.

Was I confused? Maybe it's not a urinal. Maybe it's some sort of face washing fixture?

I resisted the temptation to try.

It might not have been as bad, IF this hadn't been the ONLY urinal, AND the toilet was currently occupied.

Thankfully, what God took from me in height, He more than blessed me with *eyebrow waggle* in length, so I didn't need to ask for a step ladder.

I just unrolled my junk, slung it up and over, and started my whiz biz.

That's when things got worse.

The normal spray, splash, or blow-back that might hit your thighs or tops of your shoes at a NORMAL size urinal was now hitting me IN.THE.FACE.

It was like riding a jet-ski into the crest of a wave, repeatedly.

I needed I bib & goggles.

Or a Welder's Mask!

SERIOUSLY, if a restaurant is going to be racist against average height people, they should be required to post the following warning on the door.

_________________________________________________________________________________

I rarely get on The Facebook any more.

I can't help it I lead an exciting and envied lifestyle.

But when I do, I enjoy letting people know what I think.

Here's what you are missing by not being my Friend.

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________________________________________________________________________________

And now, just some pictures I saw and wanted you to see.

Wacky Weird News Wednesday: The "I Have Bronchitis Addition".

2011-10-05T12:59:00.000-04:00

Yes, I have Sinusitis/Bronchitis. It is affecting my train of thought, so if these stories and comments make less sense than usual, that is probably why.

Enjoy

Giant Alien Snails Attack Miami, Though They're Not in Much of a Rush

MIAMI—Floridians have grown accustomed to invasions of exotic creatures, like the Burmese pythons slithering throughout the Everglades. But residents here are especially grossed out by the latest arrivals: giant African land snails that grow as long as eight inches, chew through plants, plaster and stucco, and sometimes carry a parasite that can infect humans with a nonlethal strain of meningitis.
The gastropods are among the most dangerous in the world, agriculture officials say. They each have male and female reproductive organs and can lay 1,200 eggs a year, allowing them to proliferate rapidly. Thousands of them have infested at least five separate neighborhoods in the Miami area.
Homeowners who discover the creatures in their yards often find them disgusting. The snails' engorged bodies extend far from their shells, and they eat so ravenously that they leave trails of excrement on walls and the ground.

Just another reason to avoid Miami.

Married Nurse Sends Mash Note to 13-Year-Old in Breakfast Burrito
Meet Amy Blose, a 37-year-old married mother of two who was arrested this week for attempting to contact a 13-year-old boy who she's been accused of sexually assaulting. Her method of contact: Burrito.
If you've been accused of statutory rape, it's probably in your best interests to not try and contact your alleged victim. But Blose apparently wasn't thinking of her best interests when she asked one of her victim's classmates
“to bring him a breakfast burrito she purchased from a restaurant with a note stuck in the wrapper that read, "Hey babe, I love you forever." [...] Police learned last week that Blose had written the note inside the wrapper of a Sonic breakfast burrito—the boy's favorite breakfast—and allegedly asked a 15-year-old girl to give it to him at school. When the boy received the burrito, he notified his parents, who contacted police.”
Yes, the old "burrito method." Sneaky! But it only works if your message's intended recipient doesn't turn you over to his parents.

Beware cougars bearing breakfast foods.

Blowjobs Are Actually Causing Cancer
You know that wives' tale about oral sex causing cancer? Turns out it's true, if the genitals in your throat have HPV, the vaccine-preventable virus that also causes cervical cancer.
American researchers say throat cancer caused by HPV (generally transmitted to throats during oral sex) has "increased significantly" over the last 20 years.
“Researchers tested tumor samples from 271 patients with certain types of throat cancer diagnosed from 1984 to 2004. The virus was found in only 16 percent of the samples from the 1980s—but in 72 percent of those collected after 2000.The researchers estimated that over all, throat cancers caused by the virus have increased to 2.6 per 100,000 people in 2004 from 0.8 cases per 100,000 people in 1988. If the trend continues, by 2020 the virus will be causing more throat cancer than cervical cancer, the study concluded.”
Unlike cervical cancer, "oropharyngeal cancers" have no screening equivalent to the pap smear.

I think we can all agree, it's still an acceptable risk for the ladies to take.

Fake Girlfriend Texting Service Sheds Single Status And Gets You Female Attention
They say the best way to get a girlfriend is to already have one. So why not try FakeGirlfriend.co, a new texting service that will let you leave your single status behind you.
With the cunning tagline, "Because you don't want to look lame", your pretend girlfriend will not only text you, she'll also call with a pre-recorded message.
The way it works? According to FakeGirlfriend.co, you need to save the Fake Girlfriend number into your phone under her fictitious name. Then, when you're out with friends or a woman you're trying to make jealous, just text that number. You'll shortly get a text and then a pre-recorded call.
For the moment, the service won't cost you a cent. Founder Ricky Robinett tells the Huffington Post over email: "Right now the service is free. I'm looking into expanding some options that monetize the service, but nothing is in place for that yet."
This probably won't be able to convince your friends for long, as the service doesn't include a real life person. Having said that, it should help you attract more females, if a study published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology is anything to go by. The findings showed a woman's attraction to a man almost doubled when they were told he was taken, as opposed to single.
And if you really want to keep your taken relationship status convincing, you could even subscribe to Cloud Girlfriend. Launched last March, the service allows you to create a fake, but perfect Facebook girlfriend to your liking. She'll write on your wall with the intent to make your friends and potential suitors very jealous.
Or perhaps you could even hire a real-life fake girlfriend for an occasion. China Daily reports there's a surge in these arrangements just before Chinese New Year where single men would rather fake a relationship to family than admit one's embarrassing single status.

They used to say the same thing about wearing a wedding ring.

It's like all women are secretly Mormon.

Donald Gartner Arrested In Jail Parking Lot Hours After Being Released
Donald Gartner has become a familiar face at the Pasco County Jail.
The St. Petersburg Times reports that Gartner was arrested Oct. 2 for criminal mischief, released and then re-arrested for allegedly trying to break into cars in the jail parking lot less than two hours after he was freed.
Sheriff's deputies say they discovered Gartner crawling out from under the bushes at his neighbor's house. A witness complained he was urinating on the bushes, the Times reports.
A witness told authorities they saw him shake a neighbor's porch light until the glass panels fell out, according to the arrest report obtained by the Times.
Land O'Lakes Patch reports that Gartner was then released later that night. At around 10 p.m., Gartner allegedly tried to open the doors of a parked Acura in the jail's lot, according to a separate arrest report.
When the owner started screaming, Gartner said he thought the car was his, the report said.
He allegedly tried the same stunt with a different car. A police officer said he witnessed the incident and notified jail deputies. Gartner was rearrested on two counts of attempted auto burglary, Patch reports. Gartner remained in the Pasco County Jail Tuesday morning, according to the AP.
These two October arrests are not the only times Gartner has found himself behind Pasco County jail bars, The Huffington Post has learned.
Jail arrest records show that Gartner has been booked into the Pasco County pokey seven times since 2008.
In August, Gartner was arrested for assault on an emergency personnel and resisting an officer with violence.

He gets bonus points for his persistance.

Scuba divers left behind in Florida
The US Coast Guard said Tuesday it was investigating a Florida tourism company that left behind two tourists while they were scuba diving.
The tourists -- Paul Kline and Fernando Garcia Puerta -- were rescued by a private yacht which found them clinging to a buoy in shark-infested waters.
"The incident is under investigation," Coast Guard spokeswoman Sabrina Elgammal told AFP.
"We got a call that the two people were picked up in the sea and there was no medical harm and they went back to port," she said.
RJ Diving Ventures of Miami Beach took a group of 30 people, including Kline and Garcia, in a boat to scuba dive in the open ocean, the Miami Herald reported.
When Kline and Garcia surfaced, however, they found that the boat had gone.
"We were in shock," Kline, 44, told the newspaper. "We could easily have died."
RJ Diving Ventures did not respond to requests for comment.
The two said they clung to a fishing buoy and around 6:00 pm as it was getting dark they were spotted by passengers on a yacht.
"We could see two divers with all their equipment and an inflated red tube," the yacht's capitan Elie Trichet told the Herald.
"You could notice a strong feeling of relief" Trichet said. "They had been clinging to that buoy for two hours hoping somebody would rescue them."

Wasn't this a movie?

Talk about "chumming the waters", they were doing that in their wetsuits.

Do animals smile?
This article was too long to post, but suffice it to say, that after spending years and millions of dollars on a worthless research study, Yes, animals do smile. And they even laugh.

OR bus driver accused of berating mom, crying baby
PORTLAND, Ore. (AP) — A driver in Oregon's largest public transit agency berated a woman and her crying baby into getting off a bus in a Portland suburb, saying "I can't drive with that noise," another passenger said Monday.
Over the loudspeaker, the female bus driver told the woman to distract the baby to quiet it down, passenger Jennifer Chapman said. Other passengers muttered that the driver should "just drive the bus, just do your job," she said.
When the mother and the baby got off the bus at a stop in Hillsboro, other passengers also left en masse in protest, she added.
Mary Fetsch, a spokeswoman for the agency that runs mass transit in the Portland metropolitan area, said TriMet's policy is not to remove people such as women with children from a bus. The driver, who was not identified, has been placed on administrative leave while the agency investigates the complaint from the incident Thursday, Fetsch said.
The Portland area prides itself on its environmentally friendly transportation options, such as miles of bike paths for commuters and a booming public transportation system. TriMet said it carries more people than any other transit system of its size in the country.
Chapman said the child was younger than 2 and was fussing around in her mother's lap at the time. The woman spoke only Spanish, she said.
The bus driver pulled over at a scheduled stop, walked to the back of the bus, pointed at the mother and then the baby, Chapman said. The woman then walked off the bus with the child, followed by the other passengers, she said.
In a conversation with a dispatcher immediately after the confrontation, the bus driver described the baby as not "just crying."
"It was screaming all the way from Beaverton, and I just finally stopped the bus," the driver said. "I said we need to get the baby to stop screaming because I just can't drive with it screaming ... that is not safe."
The conversation was recorded by Al Margulies, a fellow bus driver and blogger who monitors scanner traffic. Marguilies played the recording to The Associated Press, and TriMet has confirmed that the accuracy of the recording.
The driver told that dispatcher that when the woman and child had gotten off the bus, four or five passengers insulted her, so "I said you guys can get off too."
The dispatcher told the driver: "In the future, if there is a baby crying on your bus there really isn't a whole lot you do. It's public transit."
Fetsch said drivers can take steps if they believe their safety is in jeopardy, but policy prevents them from removing people "of a "vulnerable population." The driver has been working for TriMet for 10 years, she said.

Everyone knows crying spanish babies are DEADLY!

Demotivational Posters: The SUPREME Edition.

2011-09-30T15:40:00.000-04:00

Kind of gives new meaning to the song, "You've got a friend in me."

I stole this next image from Pat.

The only good Hores are the ones with their legs sticking straight up. Everyone knows that.

And OF COURSE mom will say no.

I love how the kid dreams. When he is 16 or 20, he'll buy his own Hores.

How awesome is that?

Errr...wait, someone says he meant horses. Nevermind.

Wacky News Wednesday...On Thursday.

2011-09-29T12:03:00.000-04:00

That's right, it's a day late. So sue me.

I've had the stomach flu the last couple days.

Onward...

Cops: Burglar frying bacon caught when owner returns

(MSNBC.COM) A woman who returned to her home found a man inside who was frying bacon on her stove and in possession of several personal items, according to police in suburban St. Louis.

Damon Petty, 36, was charged with burglary after his arrest Tuesday at the home of Kenya Ealy in University City.

Ealy and a female friend had returned to the home and at first were unable to enter when Petty tried to keep the door closed. The two eventually got in and detained him until police arrived.

Ealy said, “He was cooking. Making himself some breakfast.”

Mmmmmm....BACON!!!....nom nom nom nom

Ice Cream Cone Mascot Mistaken for a KKK Member

An ice cream shop in Ocala, Florida thought it would be a clever marketing tactic to have an employee dress up as an ice cream cone and stand out in the parking lot with a sign advertising their goods. Little did they know!

Managers and staffers at the two-month-old Ice Cream Family Corner and Sandwiches say that many townsfolk have avoided their shop because of the ice cream cone man, whom they've mistaken for a Ku Klux Klan

Diaz is from Puerto Rico and had never heard about the KKK until a reporter informed her about the group. The shop owners are named Jose Cantres and Jesus Diaz, which seems to disqualify them from KKK membership. Photographs show that the men who wore the foam ice cream cone costume—which features a hole cut out for the wearer's face to show through—had brown skin. Also, KKK robes don't usually come with sprinkles.

The last line is the BEST!

p.s. You should really google this one and read some of the quotes from the local citizens. Silly Floridians.

"Toe Suck Fairy" arrested on new charges

LITTLE ROCK, Ark (Reuters) - A man known in Arkansas as the "Toe Suck Fairy" for a series of 1990s assaults directed at women's feet was arrested after he struck again more than a decade later, police said.

Michael Robert Wyatt, 50, was arrested on Monday after two women identified him from a photo line-up as "the man who approached them in local stores commenting on their feet and asking to suck their toes," said LaTresha Woodruff, spokeswoman for the Conway Police Department.

One of the women described the man as having "really messed up toes."

Earlier in the month an 83-year-old woman told police she was sitting in a chair in front of her apartment when a man approached her. He took off one of her shoes and began sucking her toes, police said.

In the 1990s, Wyatt was convicted and even served time in prison for his obsession.

He had pretended to be a podiatrist in order to fondle and suck a Conway, Arkansas, woman's toes at a clothing store.

And, he was convicted in 1991 of making threats for telling a convenience store clerk that he wanted to cut off her feet and suck her toes while she bled to death. For that, he was sentence to four years in state prison, but served just over a year.

In 1999, Wyatt was arrested again, police said, after asking a woman in a northwest Arkansas Walmart if she wanted him to amputate her feet and showing her pictures of women with no feet.

Wyatt was picked up at his home in Vilonia, about 15 miles from Conway, where three incidents have been reported in the past few weeks. Conway is about 30 miles north of Little Rock.

I bet he could really use a Tic-Tac.

Teacher's Aide Accused Of Taping Child's Mouth Shut

A paraprofessional at Whitehead Road Elementary School in Athens, Ga. was put on leave after putting clear packaging tape over a girl's mouth to prevent her from talking, WXIA-TV reported.

According to reports, the aide put the tape on the student's mouth near the end of the Wednesday school day at around 2:25 p.m. because the child would not quiet down.

Although the little girl pulled the tape off within seconds, the classroom teacher reported the incident to school administrators.

School officials informed the child's parents of what had happened and the disciplinary actions they took.

Come on, who HASN'T wanted to do this?

Police: Iowa Woman Attacks Boyfriend After He Turns Her Down for Sex

Police say the Iowa City woman damaged her home and punched her boyfriend after he turned her down for sex.

Police say an Iowa City woman didn't react well to being told "no" Monday evening.

According to criminal complaints, Melissa Barbara Minarsich, 28, was accused of second-offense domestic abuse assault, an aggravated misdemeanor, for punching her boyfriend with whom she has an 8-month-old child. Minarsich was convicted of domestic abuse in 2009 as well

Police say they arrived at 10:24 p.m. at 131 Taft Speedway for a report of a woman who was out of control. Officers say they met the caller, Minarsich's boyfriend, at the scene, and he told them that she had damaged the outside of the house and hit him several times after he refused to have sex with her. He told police that despite being hit he was not injured.

Officers say then they spoke to Minarsich, who was still at the scene, and that she appeared intoxicated, strongly smelling of alcohol and having slurred speech. Police say Minarsich conceded that she had been in a fight with her boyfriend due to his refusal of sex.

"All I want is a piece of (expletive), is that too much to ask for?" she told police, according to the complaint.

To answer her questions, I think we can all agree, NO, no it's not too much to ask.

And lastly, I am posting this one in it's entirety. It's sad.

I hope they fire those cops.

Demotivational Posters: The Motherload! AND Caption This!

2011-09-23T10:51:00.000-04:00

I'm not completely happy with the captions on some of these posters.

Mainly, I just posted some cause I thought the pictures were funny.

See if you can come up with some better captions in the comments section.

The resemblence is STRIKING! Of course, it also kind of looks like he's cupping a giant testicle.

And since everybody loved my last model poster, here's a few more.

Wacky Weird News Wednesdays: You WILL Read This!

2011-09-21T10:54:00.000-04:00

As always, my comments in BLUE.

Sperm Bank Refusing Redhead Donors

(AP) DENMARK – In a classic case of supply and demand, the world’s largest sperm bank is no longer taking donation from redheads.

Cryos in Denmark has reached its capacity of 70 liters of semen (!!!) and a waiting list of 600 donors (Gingers: Always willing to lend a hand.) – so it can afford to pick and choose.

Director Ole Schou said, “There are too many redheads in relation to demand. I do not think you choose a redhead, unless the partner- for example, the sterile male-has red hair, or because the lone woman has a preference for redheads. And that’s perhaps not so many, especially in the latter case. (Haha) The demand for redheads mainly comes from Ireland, where it sales like hot cakes.”

Nobody wants Ginger seed? Except other Gingers?

SHOCKING!

::sarcastic smirk::

Sorry Travis.

Armed robber asked for his coat back after bungled raid

(Daily Mirror) England - A FASHION-conscious armed robber bungled a shop raid – then returned to the scene of the crime to ask for his coat back.

Dopey gunman Anthony Gorman, 21, fled empty-handed after shopkeeper Michael Singh bravely fought off his robbery attempt.

But a few minutes later he went back to politely ask for his favourite £200 grey jacket, only for Mr Singh, 29, still shaken from having a gun pointed at his neck, to say: “Are you stupid? No, you can’t have it – get out.”

This is why you don't wear your good jacket when commiting a felony.

Triple axe killer Thomas McCulloch is let out of prison to chop down trees

(Daily Mirror) London - A TRIPLE axe murderer has been let loose in public – to chop down trees.

Thomas McCulloch completed a course at a nature reserve, where he helped clear a pathway by cutting trees and shrubs.

McCulloch and his gay lover Robert Mone butchered a nurse, a patient and a policeman at the State Hospital, Carstairs, South Lanarks, in 1976.

A prison source said: “He may be old now but there is evidence he is still a very dangerous man.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea to let a murderer like McCulloch near sharp implements like axes.” (You think?)

McCulloch, 63, on a life sentence, has been locked up for more than 40 years but has recently been allowed trips away from his open prison in Angus.

It is about time the prison system started making good use of a person's skillset.

Couple Accused of Stealing Millions Intended for Preschoolers’ Meals

(NY TIMES) NEW YORK - A Staten Island couple stole at least $2.5 million in federal funds meant for nutritious meals for preschoolers, prosecutors asserted in a criminal complaint unsealed on Friday.

The complaint accused the couple, Joanna Fan and her husband, Ziming Shen, of siphoning money over five years from accounts at the nonprofit Red Apple Child Development Center preschool chain, of which Ms. Fan, also known as Xiao Ping, is the executive director. The complaint accused the couple of using the money to make mortgage payments on several Manhattan condominiums and to benefit their private business interests, which include Preschool of America Inc., a chain of about a dozen for-profit preschools in Manhattan, Brooklyn and Queens.

The charge, theft from programs receiving federal funds, is punishable by up to 10 years in prison and a fine, said Robert Nardoza, a spokesman for the United States attorney for the Eastern District of New York. “As alleged in the complaint, this amounts to one of the largest lunch money thefts in history,” Mr. Nardoza said.

This is what happens to Childhood Bullies when they grow up.

ESPECIALLY if they are named after dropped silverware.

Kindergartener brings crack pipe, meth for show-and-tell

ST. LOUIS (Reuters) - A kindergartener in rural Sweet Springs, Missouri, brought a bag of crystal meth and a crack pipe to school for show-and-tell, but an alert teacher kept the boy from sharing his treasure with others at the school, an official said on Tuesday.

"He was very excited when he got to school," Superintendent Donna Wright said of the September 6 incident. "But I don't think he knew what he had."

A teacher recognized the drugs and pipe and police were called to the elementary school. "It didn't ever get into the classroom," Wright added.

"That was a first for show-and-tell in this town," Police Chief Richard Downing said. He added that the boy's mother, Michelle Cheatham, 32, was arrested later on drug charges and released on bail.

"It was shocking," Wright said. "We're not experienced with dealing with this."

The town, located 66 miles east of Kansas City on the Blackwater River, has 1,500 residents and about 425 students in its school system.

There are two things we can learn from this young man's example:

1.You don't Bogart that shit!

2. If you bring it to class, you better have enough for EVERYONE!

University forgets to tell students that professor died months ago

PHILADELPHIA (AP) — University of Pennsylvania students who were puzzled by a no-show professor later found out why he missed the first day of class: He died months ago.

The students were waiting for Henry Teune (TOO'-nee) to teach a political science class at the Ivy League school in Philadelphia on Sept. 13.

University officials say that about an hour after the class's start time, an administrator notified students by email that Teune had died. The email apologized for not having canceled the class.

Penn junior Mallika Vinekar was among those who waited. She tells the student newspaper The Daily Pennsylvanian that they just figured he was late.

Teune died in April at the age of 75.

Death is NO EXCUSE for being TARDY at UPENN.

The One Where I Give AT&T The Business

2011-09-20T12:33:00.000-04:00

Recently, I had the pleasure of dealing with a Customer Service Rep for AT&T via chat.

It went something like this:

Christine M.: Thank you for choosing AT&T Premier. You are a valued customer! How may I assist you today?

Me: Blah, blah, blah. Well, for starters, you can quit blowing smoke up my ass. It makes it hard for the gerbil to breathe.

Christine M.: Did you have a specific question about devices or plans today?

Me: Well, I don’t know if you’d call it a ‘specific’ question. It more of a ‘WTF ARE ALL THESE ADD ON CHARGES AND CHEESE&RICE I JUST WANT TO UPGRADE MY PHONE NOT EARN A DOCTORATE IN ACCOUNTING’ type situation.

Christine M.: So that I may better assist you, can you verify the FULL NAME and Last Four numbers of the primary account holder’s social security number? Or even your account passcode?

Me: Suuuurrrreee! And why don’t I co-sign for that new car for you while I’m at it?!

Christine M.: Sir, it will allow me to access your account to better assist you.

Me: Whatever you say, ‘Christine M.’ I bet the ‘M’ stands for Madoff. Say ‘Hi’ to your dad Bernie for me.

Christine M.: If you won’t allow me to access you’re account, I’m not sure that I can assist you today.

Me: There’s no reason to get testy, Christine. Geesh! Whatever happened to the customer is always right and handsomely good-looking?

Christine M.: ….

Me: Fine. Here’s my info (xxxxgives infoxxxx). If you steal my identity, I will find you!

Christine M.: Thank you, Sir. Please wait while I pull up your account.

Christine M.: Okay, I see you currently have 3 lines on the (overpricedfamily) plan with (hardlyany) minutes, and (useless) added features. And your current devices are (morecellphonewords). Is that correct?

Me: Sorry, I feel asleep during that last part. Last I heard, you were going to pull something up, and then my mind started to wonder. Never mind about what, you perv. Just get on with the cellphone stuff.

Christine M.: You originally said you wanted to upgrade your current device, right?

Me: That’s why I called you…through chat.

Christine M.: Okay. Go here and do this and this and that and this and look at this and select that and click on this and you’ll see your options.

Me: I’m already there. That’s the page I’ve been on.

Christine M.: Okay. Once you select the device you want, do this and this and that.

Me: I’ve done that. Here’s my issue…

Christine M.: Okay. Well, if you don’t see what you want there, you can click on the more options tab at the top.

Me: Would you hold on a freakin’ second? Damn, speedracer! You might want to switch to Decaf!

Me: As I was saying, I need a new phone, but I don’t want a refurb…

Christine M.: You can click the NEW box to eliminate the refurb phones.

Me: I’ve done that already. I wasn’t finished with my question yet!

Me: I currently have unlimited data/text, but not a smart phone. All the good (NEW) phones are smart phones. I don’t want to add an extra $50 a month to my plan just for a smart phone…

Christine M.: There are non-smartphones available, but most are refurbs. However, if you switch to smart phones, you’ll have a lot more options.

Me: I’m seriously going to crawl through this screen and unplug your keyboard! Quit telling me shit I already know! I’m saying I don’t want to increase my bill another $50 a phone just for a ‘smartphone’ when I already have unlimited data & text.

Christine M.: The smartphone option would only add $15 for each phone to your plan. Plus it replaces your current data plan. So really, it would only change your bill about $10.

Me: Okay, fuzzy math lady, price me out a plan similar to the one I have: 3 lines, 700 minutes shared family plan, with unlimited text, but with smart phones for me and the wife, and a real basic phone for the kiddo.

Christine M.: I am sorry, Sir, but we don’t quote pricing online. If you would like information on pricing, you can call (1-800-ATT-LAME) Mon-Sat between the hours of (Noon and Never).

Ed: L

Ed: CHRISTINE! Seriously! You are NO HELP!

Christine M: I’m sorry Sir. I really wish I could help, but they don’t allow us to give out pricing information online. I can only assist you in navigating the Premier site.

Ed: I’m not some old lady who needs a Boy Scout to cross the damn road! I swear, I am this--->[__] close to going back to using tin cans and a string. If it wasn’t for the increase in string prices and the lawsuits for clothes-lining people, I already would have.

Christine M.: I’m sorry Sir. Is there anything I can help you with today?

Ed: You tell me, because so far it doesn’t seem like it. Any recommendations? Other than calling someone else?

Christine M.: I truly am sorry Sir.

Ed: Don’t be. I was just giving you a hard time. You’ve been great. Thanks for your time and info. You have a great day.

Christine M.: You too, Sir.

See how I brought it home there at the end? A pleasant closing ALWAYS makes up for being a dick. It's the law. Or Science. Something like that.

DEMOTIVATIONAL POSTERS!!! Get Some!

2011-09-16T10:54:00.000-04:00

Wacky Weird News Wednesday: Full Of Wieners

2011-09-14T11:01:00.000-04:00

It's been kind of slow on the Odd News Front.

Woman bites elderly man in "vampire" attack

ST. PETERSBURG, Florida (Reuters) - Milton Ellis, 69, told police in St. Petersburg, Florida, that he and Josephine Smith, 22, met on the street and went to the porch of a vacant restaurant to get out of the rain. He said he fell asleep in his motorized wheelchair and woke up to find Smith on top of him.

Ellis told authorities that she said, "I'm a vampire. I am going to eat you" and then began to bite him.

According to a police affidavit, Ellis was bitten on his arm and lips, leaving him bloody before he was able to escape and call police. He was later treated with stitches at a local hospital and released.

After arriving at the scene, police said they found Smith bloody and half-naked nearby, but that she had no memory of what happened and did not identify herself as a vampire, St. Petersburg Police spokesman Mike Puetz said.

Smith, who was arrested early on Thursday, is currently being held in detention with bail set at $50,000.

First, if she was "on top of him" AND he was in a motorized wheelchair, how exactly did he get away? Wouldn't she have driven off with him?

Second, if she was 22, sitting on top of him AND half naked, WHY did he leave?

Ordinance would cover naked bottoms

OAKLAND (Reuters) - In the San Francisco Bay area where tolerance is king, it is a rare politician willing to clamp down on citizens who let it all hang out.

But San Francisco Supervisor Scott Wiener (OMG! Hahaha...seriously? Dude's name is Wiener?)stepped into that position earlier this week when he introduced an ordinance that would require nudists to cover their seats in public places and wear clothes in restaurants.

Public nudity, he explains, is legal in San Francisco and in recent years a group known informally as Naked Guys have shown unbridled enthusiasm for appearing in the nude.

"I see it pretty regularly (I bet you do, Mr. Wiener!), and unfortunately there are nudists who are not doing what they should," Wiener told Reuters.

The nudists, who expose themselves most often in the city's famous gay neighborhood, the Castro District, have got Wiener and others worrying about public health.

"I'm not a health expert, but I believe sitting nude in a public place is not sanitary," he said. "Would you want to sit on a seat where someone had been sitting naked? I think most people would say, 'No.'"

Wiener, who represents the Castro neighborhood, said he hears from merchants who fear the public displays may drive away customers, hurting the business' bottom lines.

That's particularly true in restaurants. He acknowledged that he has not seen any research establishing a health risk. "But when you have your orifices exposed in an eating establishment, a lot of people don't like it," he said.

California does have legislation against indecent exposure. But the law is lenient enough that it has barely affected San Francisco's current coterie of flaunters.

Weiner's proposed ordinance will next be assigned to a committee, and Wiener expects a public hearing within months. Clothing required. (Love that last line)

Should we expect anything less from San Fran?

Appearance of Hot Dog Man statue mystifies police

COUNCIL BLUFFS, Iowa (AP) — A Hot Dog Man statue that suddenly appeared in one Iowa town has mystified police, who would relish information about it.

The Daily Nonpareil in Council Bluffs reported that a concerned citizen called police there last week to report a man in a hot dog costume near a bus stop where children congregate.

When officers arrived, they found the man was actually a 6-foot tall statue, with spindly legs and a pair of high-top sneakers. Its hands are missing and a U.S. flag is draped across its back.

The statue has been spotted elsewhere in the city, but police Capt. Terry LeMaster says no one knows anything about it or where it came from. It is being stored at the police department until someone claims it.

I love how it "has been spotted elsewhere in the city".

SUDDENLY....Random Hot Dog Statue Man!

That's funny.

Fare of the Day: Los Angeles to Moscow $666 RT including all taxes

Fly from Los Angeles to Moscow for $666 round-trip, including all taxes, on Delta.

Seems about right for flying to and from Hell.

Crazy People Doing Stupid Things Make Me Laugh

2011-09-12T11:34:00.000-04:00

Everybody knows you don't be messin with a crazy Kung Fu person.

From my own state, no less. We grow our crazy HUGE here. Just like our corn.

And finally...

The Day The World Stood Still: 9/11 Remembered

2011-09-10T16:52:00.000-04:00

I normally try to keep things light and funny around here.

There's enough sadness and realness in the world on a regular basis, that I wanted this place to be an escape.

But given it's the 10th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks, it only seems fitting to do a tribute of sorts.

My youngest son wanted to have a 9/11 "party/celebration" or even a "re-enactment" in remembrance. My wife tried to explain that 9/11 was very tragic and many people lost their lives or lost loved ones, and its not something that you celebrate or re-enact.

Being the smart little cookie that he is, he wanted to know why then people re-enact the Civil War or War of 1812, when those were also dark tragic times in America's history.

It makes you think, why is it we chose to have remembrance services for 9/11? What is it that we want our kids to take away from it? Why is it important to teach them about it?

It's an important part of American history, just like the attack on Pearl Harbour. Some might say even more so, because the loss of life was greater, involved mostly innocent civilians, and occurred during peacetime. But without regular remembrances, 9/11 will become like our generations Pearl Harbour, mostly forgotten by those in the next generation who aren't history buffs. Be honest, when was the last year you stopped for a moment of silence for the victims of Pearl Harbor? Most people who aren't of the WWII generation can't even recall the exact date it occurred.

Humans have a way of forgetting the past, especially when it's painful. This opens the possibility of history repeating itself, often because of our complacency. That's partly what left us to be so susceptible to the 9/11 attacks. We thought America was protected by our being surround by oceans and two friendly countries. It's the same attitude people had prior to Pearl Harbour. Although we are now friends and alias with Japan, terrorism is still a very real threat.

It also makes it easier for revisionists to rewrite history in a more pleasant light. There are already those who are trying to say the Holocaust never happened.

Not only is it important to remember so that we never forget, by it is also important so that we acknowledge all the ordinary citizens who stepped up during that terrible time and acted in heroic ways. The passengers of flight 93 are only one of many examples that occurred. Anybody can be a hero by doing what is right, putting others before themselves, and helping where they can.

Here's what I remember from 9/11:

It was a weird time We had just lost or little girl Isabelle on August 21st due to a rare condition, and were still reeling from that. I had left my still emotionally distraught wife at home and went to work at my Medical Assistant job at Muncie Family Practice.

Listening to the radio on the way in, it seemed like a normal day. As I was pulling into the lot, they were begining to report that it appeared a small private plan had crashed into the World Trade Center.

I remember getting out of the car and thinking, "What kind of idiot can't see the GIANT building directly in front of his Cessna?"

Once inside, I started my day of checking in patients, taking vitals, etc. In between, we had a radio on in the nurses station, and more reports were coming in. I could almost sense it. It was clear that it was not an accident. The news people had no clue what the hell was going on. They were reporting EVERYTHING, even rumor and hearsay.

Patients coming in were sharing what they had heard or seen on TV with us. Everyone was just in shock. More like a numb disbelief.

I called my wife to see if she was watching the coverage. She was. She updated me on what she knew.

It was like being in a fog. Everything was hazy. I remember going home and watching all the coverage. Seeing the replays of the planes crashing into the building, shown ad nausea. And of the buildings tumbling down. We spent weeks watching the coverage of the cleanup. Rarely was our TV tuned to anything else.

I remember feeling an overwhelming sense that I HAD TO DO SOMETHING. I tried volunteering to go with a group headed to New York to help with the clean up, but they only wanted actual doctors/nurses/psychologists. I tried to re-enlist in the Navy, but was told that I would have to change job fields, as they weren't currently taking any Hospital Corpsmen re-enlistments. And that was IF I could even get them to give me a waiver for my back condition.

I just felt so helpless. Not a feeling I was familiar with. I wanted to do something. Even if it was just moving debris.

Needless to say, watching the nonstop 9/11 coverage so soon after losing our daughter did not do any favors to our mental well-being. But time does heal wounds.

I remember being so proud of our country at the overwhelming show of patriotism that followed in the weeks and months. All the flags. All the people who did help with the clean up. The fundraisers. All the young people who ran to the nearest recruiting station. The Congress actually working together!

9/11 will have lasting effects on my psyche. Much like my grandfathers felt about the "Japs", I will always have a distrust of Muslims. All that talk about Islam being a peaceful religion is BULLSHIT, and if anyone tells you otherwise, they are either a) a Muslim b) not a student of history or c) never read the Koran.

I come from a long line of grudge-holders, and I WILL NEVER FORGET.

My Wife Is Basically A Drug Dealer

2011-09-08T15:56:00.000-04:00

My wife brought this home the other day:

I said, "Holy crap, Honey! You bought a WHOLE POUND of MARY JANE?!?! Geez, I hope we don't get arrested for this."

That's what happens when you buy "grocery" items from Lil Ta'Shaun down on the corner.

Do you think eating a sandwich will cause me to fail a piss test at work?

P.S. It says "and friends". What's THAT about?

Wacky Weird News Wednesday: Even More Stupider

2011-09-07T11:47:00.000-04:00

Activists catch Yvonne the runaway cow in Germany

BERLIN (Reuters) - German animal rights activists captured a runaway dairy cow named Yvonne on Friday, three months after her escape from the farm where she was to be slaughtered captured nationwide attention.

The bovine had become a media star, with helicopters and infrared used in a search across the southern state of Bavaria after she bolted in front of a police car.

Authorities from Muehldorf, the town near the farm where she broke through an electric fence, had deemed Yvonne a security risk after her encounter with the squad car and had given hunters permission to gun her down.

Activists from the Gut Aiderbichl animal sanctuary had tried to lure Yvonne from a forest where she was holed up with a variety of enticements -- including one of her calves at one point and a breeding bull named Ernst.

Capturing the cow was not easy -- she bucked in the air and required a double dose of tranquilisers when cornered in a field on Friday by a team accompanied by a vet with a blowgun. Now she is in a pen at Gut Aiderbichl.

"In the future she will be out in the fields with the other cows," said farm employee Hans Wintersteller.

Das vill to liff dis strong wiff dis von, yah?

Forgotten mooncakes spark Taiwan station bomb scare

TAIPEI (Reuters) - Police in the southern Taiwan city of Kaohsiung mobilised the bomb squad after a suspicious package was found in a subway station toilet, only to find it contained nothing more dangerous than mooncakes.

A cleaner called police to report the package left on top of a waste bin on Saturday. Part of the station, known for its stained glass ceiling, was cordoned off and explosives experts were called in.

TV pictures showed a police officer in a full protective suit entering the toilet carrying specialist equipment while other officers waited outside with more gear.

The officer then emerged carrying a bright blue cardboard box full of mooncakes, pastries with sweet fillings traditionally eaten at the Mid-Autumn Festival.

"It was x-rayed first to see what it was and whether there was any chemical or electrical reaction," local police station chief Cheng Ming-chung told TV.

"Someone must have put it down to use the toilet and forgotten it when they left," he said, adding that the police would continue to investigate.

5 yen says the evidence "disappears".

Vampire fans to sail off Alaska coast next year

ANCHORAGE, Alaska (Reuters) - Hundreds of vampire enthusiasts will sail Alaska's fabled Inside Passage in a summer 2012 cruise tailored to their interests that combines gazing at glaciers with a late-night costume ball, organizers said on Thursday.

The "Vamps at Sea" cruise is scheduled for late June, which is a time of near-constant daylight in the far north.

"They've got curtains and they can block everything out -- so it can be as dark as we want it," said organizer Linda Wolf, president of Los Angeles-based agency Cruises Cruises Cruises Inc, who is herself a fan of the vampire genre.

The group will sail on a Holland America ship, the Zuiderdam, and will hit the usual ports of call such as Juneau, Glacier Bay and Ketchikan.

But there will be other special features, including a late-night costume ball, a scavenger hunt and a vampire talent show, Wolf said. There is also a literary angle to the cruise, with vampire-genre authors scheduled to speak, including a relative of the late "Dracula" writer Bram Stoker, according to the cruise website.

Of course. Because Vampires LOVE "near-constant daylight".

Do they NOT watch True Blood?!Geesh!

Freaks!

Republican gun raffle in Giffords' county draws criticism

TUCSON, Ariz (Reuters) - The Republican Party in Representative Gabrielle Giffords' home county is raising eyebrows by raffling off a Glock handgun -- the same brand handgun with which Giffords, a Democrat, was shot through the head in January.

"When I first heard about this last week in an email, I said 'That's a joke, a sick joke. Nobody could be doing that,'" said Pima County Democratic Party Chairman Jeff Rogers.

"This is like tearing the scab off a wound. This community is still healing."

The county Republican organization announced the fund-raiser in its online newsletter, Tracks, on August 26.

"Get yourself a new Glock 23 .40 cal handgun for just 10 bucks -- if your name is drawn," the newsletter reads.

A picture of the handgun, being raffled with three 12-round magazines and a case, also appears in the newsletter. The Republicans are selling 125 tickets.

Jared Lee Loughner, 22, who has since been diagnosed with schizophrenia, is charged with shooting Giffords and 18 others with a Glock 19 handgun during a shopping center meet-and-greet January 8.

Six people died in the rampage before bystanders tackled Loughner, preventing him from reloading.

I, for one, like a good sick joke. Hahahaha

Thai Authorities Arrest Man in Apparent Animal Smuggling Case

VOA NEWS- A man was arrested at Thailand's international airport Friday after he was caught trying to smuggle wild animals out of the country.
The man, identified as a citizen of the United Arab Emirates, was trying to board a flight to Dubai when investigators found a baby bear, two leopards, two panthers and at least two monkeys stuffed in his luggage.
The anti-trafficking group FREELAND, whose members were present during the arrest, says the man is believed to be part of a far-reaching animal trafficking network.

Noah? Is that you?

Seriously people, haven't you even heard of a Traveling Zoo?

Logger says cut off toes to free himself

DENVER (Reuters) - A western Colorado logger said on Wednesday that he amputated all the toes on his right foot with a pocket knife to free himself after a 7-ton trailer landed on his foot, trapping him in an isolated forest.

Jon Hutt, 61, of Montrose, Colorado, said he's "on the mend" after the harrowing August 19 incident.

Hutt told Reuters he was gathering a load of firewood for the upcoming winter months in a remote area west of Telluride, Colorado. As he was working on his tractor-trailer, the trailer lurched, became detached and landed on his foot.

"It was like stepping into a bear trap," he said.

Unable to free himself, Hutt said he hollered for help but after 30 minutes realized "no one was coming," and he needed to take drastic action before shock set in.

Utilizing the 3-inch blade on his pocket knife, Hutt cut away his boot and saw that his only option was to cut off all five toes to escape.

"The three smaller toes were easy, but it took some work to cut through the tendons on the two big toes," he said. "Plus, at that point the blade was getting dull."

After the makeshift surgery, Hutt used a shirt as a tourniquet to staunch the bleeding and drove his semi-tractor trailer down a mountain pass until he got into cell phone range.

He then called 911 and an ambulance met him at a reservoir and transported him to an area hospital. Surgeons at Montrose Memorial Hospital could not re-attach the severed digits.

Hospital spokeswoman Leann Tobin said Hutt spent just four days in the facility, and was released on August 22.

DUDE! WTF!

Florida lawmaker hands out belts under saggy pants ban

ORLANDO, Fla (Reuters) - A Florida lawmaker is welcoming students back to school by handing out 200 leather belts to help them comply with a new state law that bans saggy pants on campuses.

Democratic State Senator Gary Siplin of Orlando pushed for six years for the so-called Pull Your Pants Up law, and finally got his wish last spring.

The state legislature voted overwhelmingly to enact the ban at the start of the 2011-12 school year, making Florida and Arkansas the only two states with such a widespread prohibition against saggy pants for students.

"We want our kids to believe they're going to college, and part of that is an attitude, and part of that is being dressed professionally," Siplin told Reuters.

The statewide school dress code bucks a fashion trend with roots in prison attire and the rap and hip-hop music community. Siplin, who admits to sporting an Afro and platform shoes in his youth, grew tired of seeing young men wearing their pants so low their underwear was exposed.

He originally sought to criminalize saggy pants, but the current law instead subjects repeat violators to up to three days of in-school suspension and up to 30 days suspension from extracurricular activities. It also targets low-cut and midriff-exposing shirts on girls.

Siplin fought off objections from the American Civil Liberties Union and the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People, which contend the law violates personal freedom and unfairly targets minority students.

But Siplin, who is black, said he had received accolades from constituents for his efforts.

"The parents, the grandmothers, the professional people, they say, 'How can they walk down the street showing their behinds?' It's not civilized," he said.

Early Monday, Siplin handed out a dozen belts donated by a local church to students who showed up with droopy drawers at Oak Ridge High School in Orlando. He left another 25 belts with school administrators to hand out as needed.

Siplin said he also gave away about 100 belts at two other largely minority high schools as students arrived last week for their first week of school.

"I'm not going to hire anyone, white or black, with saggy pants," he said. "I want to make sure our kids qualify."

ONLY a black man could get away with this.

My favorite part was when he said, "We want our kids to believe they're going to college", like even he wasn't sure there was really any hope to that.

Police: Pole-Wielding Grandma Hit Driver, Threatened Granddaughter

Channel 6 News-INDIANAPOLIS -- An Indianapolis grandmother was arrested earlier this week after she used a wooden pole as a weapon in a public tirade, police said.

Ethel Baker was arrested Monday in the 3200 block of Ashford Drive, near Girls School Road and 10th Street on the city's west side.

Indianapolis police investigators said Baker told them her teenage granddaughter disrespected her and that she was going to beat her with the pole.

Police said Baker chased her granddaughter outside the home and that her dog was hit by a car during the chase.

Investigators said Baker then went after the driver as he tried to apologize, striking him with the pole.

Baker faces a battery charge.

Madea? Is that you?

From my own state, of course. You don't be messin' wit mah-mah.

Man found butchering cow in Utah driveway

OGDEN, Utah (AP) — Authorities are considering charges after a Utah man was found butchering a cow in his driveway.

The Standard-Examiner of Ogden reports that authorities received a call Sunday afternoon from an Ogden resident who reported a neighbor cutting up a cow in his driveway. The caller told authorities they heard what sounded like a gunshot shortly before the butchering began.

Police say when officers arrived, the man was removing the cow's head. He denied shooting the animal, and told the officers it had been delivered dead.

Prosecutors are now reviewing the case for potential charges, including possible health code violations.

I don't blame him.

Feeding five wives gets expensive.

'Brat Pack' actor Anthony Michael Hall arrested

LOS ANGELES (TheWrap.com) - Perhaps Anthony Michael Hall was attempting to re-assert his status as a member of the Brat Pack over Labor Day weekend.

The actor -- perhaps best known for such '80s John Hughes fare as "Sixteen Candles" and "The Breakfast Club" -- was arrested on suspicion of disturbing the peace and taken into custody Monday night, after allegedly engaging in a disturbance at his Playa del Rey, Calif., condominium complex, the Los Angeles Times reports.

The actor, 43, was arrested at approximately 9:50 p.m. after Los Angeles Police Department officers were called to the residence. Hall's neighbor told police that the actor had torn up plants in the common area of the condominium. When confronted, the neighbor claimed, Hall hurled an obscenity and threatened to beat the neighbor "to a pulp."

Hall was transported to the LAPD Pacific Division Jail, where he posted $500 bail and was released.

This could have all been averted if she had just given him her panties.

::shameless 16 candles reference::

It's Like I'm Fabio's Illegitimate English-Speaking Son!

2011-09-01T10:42:00.000-04:00

Most days, I like to ride my bike back to work after lunch.

It gives me some exercise that sitting behind a desk all day doesn’t.

And, with the way gas prices are, it prevents me from having to sell that extra kidney.

There’s this old railroad line that has been converted into a recreational pathway called “The Cardinal Greenway” which runs near my house.

It takes me almost all the way back to work.

See…

Well, through my sunglasses it looks more like this…

It has flowers, trees, wildlife, and no cars. It’s quite lovely and makes for a pleasant ride.

It is also quite close to Indiana Wesleyan University.

Meaning it’s not uncommon to see college girls out jogging.

I appreciate the finer things in life.

One day last week, while returning to work, I encountered a group of hot college girls out jogging.

They, OF COURSE, noticed me and were smitten.

::stating the obvious::

They smiled.

I smiled.

They waved.

I…..

SUDDENLY….

Out of NOWHERE….

Something hits me RIGHT.BETWEEN.THE.EYES!!!!

I’m guessing by the force of impact, it looked something like this…

Some kind of flying wombat/pterodactyl /California condor type thingy.

“Ed”, you might say, “You’re not even anywhere close to Australia OR California!”

EXACTLY my point!

These things are ruthless in their endeavor to make me look a fool.

Just like that bird that hit Fabio in the face on that rollercoaster.

Birds have NO respect for perfection!

“But Ed,” you might add, “pterodactyls went extinct 65 million years ago!”

HA! They said the same thing about the Coelacanth until some Japanese fisherman caught one. Now those things are turning up everywhere.

Granted, they aren’t hitting people in their faces. But that’s because they are fishes, NOT cool dude-hating birds.

“But Ed,” you might ask, “You said you were just ‘guessing’ it was a wombat/pterodactyl/condor thingy. Do you mean you aren’t sure or you didn’t see it?”

Well, the last thing I remember seeing was this…

Which is CLEARLY a wombat/pterodactyl/condor hybrid! Case closed!

Regardless, the moment was ruined.

The girls watched as I was assaulted by nature.

I, however, remained calm and rode on like it was nothing more than a tiny gnat.

Because I’m cool like that.

I won’t lie though. That shit HURT.

P.S. I recounted this story for the wife later. She, after laughing uncontrollably for what I thought was an obscenely and offensively long amount of time, said, “THAT is what you GET for smiling at other women! You didn’t know I had wombadactyldors on my payroll, did you?!”

Touche, wife. Touche.

Wacky Weird News Wednesday: More People & Churches Behaving Badly.

2011-08-31T09:53:00.000-04:00

Another human foot washes ashore in B.C.

VANCOUVER, British Columbia (AP) — Police in Vancouver, British Columbia, say a human foot inside a running shoe has washed ashore, the latest in roughly a dozen such cases since 2007.

Someones been watching Dexter.

Juror gets caught adding female defendant to Facebook friend's list

(AP)When Jonathan Hudson of Arlington, Texas sent a Facebook friend request to Courtney Downing, he probably didn’t realize that it would eventually result in four charges of contempt of court.

DUDE! Is court REALLY the best place to "Friend" someone?

Angry passengers watch 7-year-old thrown overboard

SANTA ANA, Calif. (AP) — Newly released 911 tapes show passengers expressing shock and disgust after seeing a California man throw his crying 7-year-old son overboard during a sightseeing cruise around Newport Harbor.

Authorities say Briles was arguing with his girlfriend and son and threatened to throw the boy overboard if he didn't stop crying. The child was rescued by another boater.

This Jackass tried to tell the cops they were just horse-playing and the kid was in on it. How many 7 yr olds you know would say, "Hey dad. Throw me off this cruise ship into the ocean, even though I can barely swim."?

Ark. man in plane spots his home being burglarized

BAY, Ark. (AP) — An Arkansas man who wanted to capture aerial photos of his home during his first plane ride instead helped catch two men burglarizing it.

Steven Lynn said he could see the two taking items from his house.

"I looked down, and sure enough, there was a truck hooked onto a trailer, and guys were loading stuff up," Lynn told The Jonesboro Sun.

Lynn called an uncle who lives nearby and 911.

"I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!!!.......WAIT!.....WTF!!!"

US: Man hides 7 snakes, 3 tortoises in pants

MIAMI (AP) — U.S. officials say a man tried to board a flight from Miami to Brazil with bags of exotic snakes and tortoises stuffed in his pants.

That's taking the definition of "Trouser Snake" too literally.

Hoax sign warns Arizona drivers of panda rampage

PHOENIX (Reuters) - A wave of "panda-monium" has swept through a northern Arizona city thanks to a mischievous street sign hacker who warned motorists of a "ROGUE PANDA ON RAMPAGE."

State transportation officials said Tuesday that a person was able to post the hoax warning by hacking into an electronic message board in Flagstaff, Arizona, over the weekend.

Rest easy, though. Authorities said the city is safe from pandas, if not from jokesters.

Kirby joked that there had been no sightings of any rogue pandas in the community, but she has been sent several photoshopped images via email of the cuddly creatures tooled up for trouble.

In one picture, a panda is holding a machete. In another, it is toting a rifle.

"We're all getting a laugh out of this to be sure," she said.

"Awesome! I love life-hacks. And the fact that ordinary citizens joined in on the fun is even better."

German city introduces "tax meters" for prostitutes

BERLIN (Reuters) - Prostitutes in the German city of Bonn must carry a ticket purchased from a new parking metre-like machine while working the streets or face hefty fines from tax authorities in a scheme launched Monday night.

In Germany, ladies of the night pay income tax -- the level of which varies from region to region -- but compliance is difficult to enforce with women seeking business on the street.

Germany's first "sex tax meters," from which prostitutes can purchase a ticket for 6 euros (5.31 pounds) per night, will ensure the tax system is fairly implemented, a city spokeswoman said.

"Inspectors will monitor compliance -- not every evening but frequently," the spokeswoman told Reuters.

Would you call that a "Porking Meter"? Hahahahahaha

::drum rimshot::

Atheists say they get kudos for church billboard

MANSFIELD, Ohio (AP) — An Ohio atheist group says it has been commended by some people for a billboard put up by a church's pastor.

The road sign in Mansfield features the statement "There is no God" in capital letters. Below that, it says, "Don't believe everything you hear."

Pastor Frank Moore of McElroy Road Church of Christ tells the Mansfield News Journal he wanted to honor God with an ad that would get people thinking. He says he remembered how his parents always advised him not to believe everything people told him.

The Mansfield-based Mid Ohio Atheists says it has been contacted and congratulated by people incorrectly thinking it put up the billboard. The group says it wants to thank the church for, as the atheists say, "advertising our thoughts."

Just because YOU know what YOU meant, doesn't mean anyone else will.

Church closes food bank because it attracts poor people

WINNIPEG(AP) – A busy church food bank, known for offering warm drinks and snacks to its regulars, has announced its closing because it is attracting too many poor people.

“It’s attracting a lot of street people and that made it uncomfortable,” said Candice Prossen, Unity Truth Centre spokeswoman. “It’s creating social unrest in the church.”

“A food bank is a social service and that is not who we are.”

Mrs. Prossen said the program is being cancelled to focus on more church-specific activities. The church’s board of trustees made the decision to cancel the bimonthly food bank after receiving an e-mail from a sister church in Victoria.

“Most clients of food banks have not yet come to a sense of personal responsibility in life. They are still in denial, blame, or seeing the world as owing them,” wrote Rev. David Durksen or Unity Church of Victoria.

Mrs. Prossen praised the work done by food banks, and said the church will still collect food for baskets but focus more on peoples spiritual hunger.

How Christianly of you! I'm sure Christ is very pleased.

Geez, talk about not seeing the forrest for the trees. There is soooo much wrong with this I can't even begin.

I Went To A Book Store And All I Got Was This Lousy Papercut....Or....Books Be Deadly!

2011-08-22T16:45:00.001-04:00

I recently went to a place called The Reading Room in Wabash, Indiana.

It’s a USED book store.

I didn’t know they still made those things.

My wife and kids (who LOVE books) drug me along with them and the MIL.

I wasn’t sure what to make of the place at first.

I’m used to well-lit and organized places that sale NEW books, like Barnes & Noble, Borders, or Books-a-Million.

Places where I can grab a cup of the fancy coffee they serve and plop down in a comfy couch while perusing a book I never intend to buy.

Like libraries with coffee. And without shushing librarians.

I had never been to a used book store.

Not sure if I’ve ever even purchased a used book. Unless you count paying for a library book that you never returned.

But used books always struck me as…..germy.

Kind of like buying a used lollipop.

You don’t know where that thing has been!

But this place was different.

It occupies an old store front near the downtown section, and doesn’t seem to have had many updates to the interior of the building since it was built in the 1830’s.

It was dark and dusty/musty/moldy smelling.

And FULL of books.

When I say “full”, I mean, OMGIHAVENEVERSEENSOMANYBOOKSINONEPLACEINALLMYLIFEPUTTOGETHER!

The place was cluttered with them. Books EVERYWHERE.

The books shelves were PACKED. Books were stacked on the floor in front of shelves, and on top of the shelves and in the shelves and on and on.

There were books on books on books stacked on books riding on books.

It was like Dr. Seuss’s Book Shop.

I began to worry what might happen if a passerby accidently flipped a cigarette butt into the open doorway.

The place would be a raging inferno before you could make your way out.

The guy who runs it was quite the character.

We’ll call him Mr. Sneelock.

He struck my wife and MIL as a retired psychologist or something, as he seemed to read people as if THEY were an open book themselves.

That and he kept asking them to lie down on his couch.

Not really.

Anybook…

I wandered around and tried to make sense of the shelves and haphazard organization, to no avail.

I finally took a shot and asked Mr. Sneelock if he knew whether he had any books on Einstein, Edison, or Tesla.

Mr. Sneelock immediately took me to the appropriate shelf AND even fetched me the 4 books he currently had on them.

Seems Mr. Sneelock’s brain was hiding the dewy decimal system for this Seussian Shop.

Although Ole' Sneelock wasn’t a big smiler, he was very nice.

In fact, he gave the wife and kids almost as many books free as we ended up purchasing.

With the internet nowadays, I had pretty much given up actual space-taking-up books.

But, after my trip to The Reading Room, I may have to reconsider.

What about you? Do you still read actual books? Have you heard of this thing called a “Used” book store?

*Mr. Sneelock/Reading Room did not pay me to write this, nor give me the free books so I would. In fact, he doesn’t even know about it. And I pray, if he should ever find out about it, that he won’t sue me.*

**Mr. Sneelock was not his real name, but was the name of a Dr. Seuss character in “If I Ran The Circus”….I think….Or maybe not………Regardless, it doesn’t matter.**

Anderson Cooper's Gay Laugh Pisses Me Off, But Not As Much As These Things...or...A Lesson In Urinatomy"

2011-08-19T13:54:00.000-04:00

There’s been a lot of “Pissing” news lately.

Like the Fat French Actor and the American skier who publicly relieved themselves on planes.

AND there was Anderson Cooper getting all giggly-schoolgirl while discussing them on live TV.

Well….since we are on the subject (which I brought up), I wanted to address something that most of us know but rarely talk about.

Urine habits.

No, I’m not suggesting you wear a Nun’s outfit.

I’m talking tinkle trials and tribulations.

Most of us know that as men and women get older, their abilities in this department change for various nature related reasons.

Women tend to lose control in that department.

Whether it’s triggered by a sneeze, cough, or laugh (It just Depends. Hahaha), a woman’s bladder becomes her panties worst enemy.

Most women have developed a technique to try and prevent this spontaneous leakage called the Double Hand Grab & Cover.

Feeling a sneeze coming on, she will instinctively use one hand to cover her nose, and the other hand to grab her crotch.

This technique is rarely, if ever, successful.

As men get older, they have the opposite problem.

With age, the prostate gland often becomes swollen and enlarged for various reasons, making urination a long (TWSS) and difficult process.

First, a quick anatomy lesson.

The urine (pee, piss, ink for snow writing, etc) exits the male bladder (urine bag, last night’s beer keg) through the urethra (pee tube).

As it does, it passes the prostate gland on its way to the penis (Mr. Johnson, One-eyed Willy, Vlad the Impaler, etc).

The male body uses the same tube for both emptying the bladder and ejaculating (spreading the love juice).

After sperm (little swimmers) are produced in the testis (nuts, balls, family jewels, aka ‘The Boys’), they are sent up the Vas Deferens (of Vasectomy fame)to the Urethra, where they are added to seminal fluid (water for the swimming pool) creating semen (love juice, baby-making cocktail, the pearls for the necklace).

SO, when the prostate becomes swollen later in life, it presses against the Urethra, effectively creating a traffic jam.

I am pretty sure this has something to do with another known fact to guys, but something the ladies might not be familiar with.

That being the difficulties in urinating after ejaculating.

Trying to pee immediately following sex is HARD, yo. (No pun intended)

It takes a while to get it started. And when it does, it burns/hurts/sprays EVERYWHERE.

Am I right fellas?

Sometimes the opening might be partially stuck shut from the recent activity, and no matter how well you aim, that shit is hitting the wall or the floor or the back of the toilet REGARDLESS.

You have to do some majorly quick aim adjustment.

Kind of like when you are playing that fair game where you shoot water into the clowns mouth and have to rapidly adjust your aim after the carnie turns on the water.

Cause once you start, there ain’t no stopping.

You can’t shut that sucker down. It hurts too bad.

The worst is when the center of the opening is stuck shut and you get the double stream going in two different directions.

No amount of “putting up the seat first” can save you then.

And FORGET peeing with an erection.

It AIN’T happening.

Funny Pics: Just 2

2011-08-18T16:14:00.000-04:00

Dude! Is that a poster of a keyboard back there?

At least he brushed all the stuffed animals and cuddle buddies off his bed first.

WHOA!

She's got MY vote!

Wacky Weird News Wednesday: When Crime Pisses You Off, Piss Back.

2011-08-17T15:49:00.001-04:00

My comments in Blue, as always.

World's largest stove destroyed — by fire

Detroit (AP) - A fire has destroyed the world's largest stove, a Michigan landmark standing at the Michigan state fairgrounds.

Built by the Michigan Stove Company, it was first displayed at the World's Fair in Chicago in 1893.

The oak stove weighed 15 tons and stood 25 feet high. It was a total loss.

Irony of the Week?

Cop arrested for DUI — while driving to funeral

Denver (AP) - Authorities say two Colorado police officers took a wild, drunken ride through Wyoming on their way to a funeral in South Dakota.

A volunteer firefighter on Wednesday spotted a police car from Aurora, Colo., driving erratically down Highway 85 in Goshen County. The car reportedly was speeding, using emergency lights to pass other vehicles and trash was flying out of its window.

Goshen County Sheriff's Capt. Brian Morehouse said the two men were heading to the funeral of two police officers recently killed in South Dakota.

Morehouse said he had clocked them driving at 57 mph in a 40 mph zone and then smelled alcohol and found beer in a cooler inside the car when he stopped them.

Way to set an example fellas!

They say, in times of tragedy...*hiccup*...in times of tragedy, you see a person's...*hiccup*...a person's true col...*hiccup*....what was I saying?

Iowa man tries to lure teen and gets mom's fist instead

Des Moines, IOWA (CBS/AP) - Polk County police sources say that Robert C. Harding tried to lure a 13-year-old girl into an alley near where she was playing with friends outside her home. Instead the smart-thinking teenager went to get her mom who confronted Harding.

Police say that when the girl's mother, Holly Pullen, confronted Harding he asked how old the girl was and whether he could marry her or would she be interested in signing the girl away.

"I got down to the alley and I confronted him. I said, 'Why are you staring at the kids?' and he looks at me and says, 'I want to marry the red head.' I came unglued at that point. I was like 'Dude, she's only 13 and that's my daughter,'" Pullen told the station.

Police said Pullen punched Harding in the face (KICK ASS, MOM!). Then the girl's father and one of his friends chased Harding and fought with him.

By the time police arrived at Fremont Street, the fight was over. Police questioned Harding who allegedly told them that he was trying to get the girl into the alley so he could "marry her and sex her." (WTF? Who talks like that nowadays?)

Everybody knows, "You don't go messin' with a momma bear's cubs".

Robbers Beat Man & Steal His Bible

New York (AP) - Authorities are looking for three muggers who punched and kicked a Bronx man before stealing his Bible.

Wait till they read the part about stealing.

Also, the Gideons are clearly missing a few people.

Motorised beer cooler lands driver in court

Sydney (Reuters) - An Australian man had his driving licence suspended for 10 months and was fined after he was caught driving a scooter made of a motorised beer cooler capable of carrying several dozen drinks -- after knocking back a few.

The unconventional scooter featured a cooler box mounted on a wheeled frame and powered by a 50 cc engine, complete with a steering handlebar. The cooler doubled as a driver's seat and was able to hold up to 48 bottles of beer.

Chris Petrie, 23 and from the northeastern state of Queensland, bought the vehicle over the internet for $A600 (383 pounds) (That's a lot in non-American money.). While assembling it at a friend's house the two sampled a few beers before Petrie decided to drive it home, according to a local television station.

He was caught by the police en route and found to be more than three times over Australia's legal blood alcohol limit, and was charged with drink driving ("Drink" driving? Is that the same as drunk driving?) and driving without a licence (Hey, Buddy! You got a license to drive that cooler?!").

In court, the judge asked if the cooler was fully loaded ("No, Your Honor, but the driver was. Hahaha") and was told it was full of canned rum and Cokes, Network Ten added. The sentence included an A$500 fine.

Scooter - Australian for beer...cooler.

Ore. mother gets probation in home circumcision

Portland (AP) - An Oregon woman who tried to circumcise her 3-month-old son at home after reading the Old Testament and watching YouTube videos has been sentenced to five years of probation. (YouTube? Seriously? Since when does that qualify as Med School, much less a reliable source?)

Keemonta Peterson pleaded guilty to first-degree criminal mistreatment. The 30-year-old Portland woman must also undergo mental health treatment. (I should HOPE so!)

Peterson called 911 and the boy was rushed to a hospital last October after her botched effort left the infant bleeding uncontrollably and in intense pain. (THERE'S a fun childhood story to tell. That mom can forget ever having a good relationship with her future daughter-in-law.) A prosecutor says he has fully recovered.

The Oregonian reports the boy and his three siblings are in the state's care, although Peterson can see them under supervision.

Multnomah County Circuit Judge Eric Bergstrom told Peterson on Monday that "the reality is you love your children and had absolutely no intent to harm your child." (You just accidently almost made him a her. WTF!)

Parenting FAIL?

The only acceptable answer here is HELL YES.

Man who peed on girl on JetBlue flight tossed off US ski team

NEW YORK (NY POST) - The drunken JetBlue passenger who treated a sleeping 11-year-old girl like his personal toilet was booted from the US Ski Team -- ending his dream of representing the country at the 2014 Winter Olympics, officials announced today.

Robert "Sandy" Vietze was detained by Port Authority cops at Kennedy Airport on Wednesday morning after arriving on a red-eye flight from Portland, Ore.

Vietze admitted to cops that he had consumed eight alcoholic drinks before boarding JetBlue Flight 166.

Vietze was later issued a citation and has been charged with indecent exposure, a misdemeanor, by the Brooklyn US Attorney's Office. He faces up to one year behind bars.

Soon after takeoff, Vietze stumbled from his seat five rows behind the child and emptied his bladder onto the girl, who was briefly left alone while her dad and sister were in restrooms.

"I was drunk, and I did not realize I was pissing on her leg," the 6-foot-4, 195-pound Vietze later told cops, according to law-enforcement sources.

The girl's father, a Stage 4 cancer patient, caught Vietze midstream and tried to wipe him out.

"F--k that kid. I don't want him near my family!" he yelled.

Vietze slurred that he had suffered "an accident," according to another passenger.

Flight attendants ultimately intervened and had to separate the men.

Clearly a fan of R.Kelly.

Desperate French actor Depardieu urinates on plane

Paris (NEWSCORE) - France's biggest film star Gerard Depardieu was thrown off a plane after urinating in front of fellow passengers when cabin crew refused to let him use the bathroom.

The 62-year-old actor was caught short on a delayed flight from Paris to Dublin on Tuesday evening as the jet taxied, but his demands to be allowed out of his seat fell on deaf ears, according to another traveler speaking to French radio station Europe 1 on Wednesday morning.

"Je veux pisser, je veux pisser," implored Depardieu, according to Daniele, who was among the 127 passengers on board the Air France jet left reeling by the antics of the giant of the French screen.

"The attendant said 'I'm sorry, you'll have to wait fifteen minutes, [when] we'll be in flight. The toilets are locked'," Daniele added. Depardieu said he could not wait, unzipped his pants and proceeded to urinate on the carpet.

"You could tell he'd been drinking," the disgusted passenger claimed.

The jet was forced to return to the gate and was delayed for over an hour as ground crew cleaned up the mess. Depardieu was escorted off the plane along with his two traveling companions and their luggage.

WTF! TWO pissing on a plane stories!

Is this some kind of trend? Or a new club? The Mile High Urinal Club?

Woman, 24, beat girl, 12, for eyeing boyfriend, say Conn. cops

New Brandford, Conn. (CBS/AP) - A 24-year-old Connecticut woman is charged with assaulting a 12-year-old girl.

Police say the 24-year-old woman believed the 12-year-old girl was eyeing her 30-year-old boyfriend. (Jealous much?)

The Hartford Courant reports that Candice Kiley, of New Haven, was charged Tuesday in connection with the July 23 attack. According to police, Kiley was attending a family birthday party when she grabbed the 12-year-old by the hair and threw her to the floor. Police said the girl then suffered an asthma attack.

Police said Kiley's boyfriend was in the kitchen cleaning up a spill when the "woman v. girl" confrontation took place.

Kiley was charged with third-degree assault, disorderly conduct and risk of injury to a minor.

Come on! Pick on someone half your age!

Oh wait.

Preschool Diaries: Conversations With My Daughter.

2011-08-16T15:24:00.000-04:00

To a preschooler, the color of your shirt identifies you.

“I don’t like the brown boy, but the black boy is nice.”
Or

“The red girl is very mean, but the yellow girl is my friend.”
THAT, Folks, is how racism starts.

Things my 3 yr old daughter has said recently

While pushing her on the swingset:

Her: “I’m going to tell you 4 questions.”

Me: “I think you mean ‘ask’ me 4 questions.”

Her: “No! I mean TELL you 4 questions!”

Me: “I don’t think you get how questions work.”

(For the record, she followed this by telling me some long drawn out story about something to do with her green flipflops.)

Over the lunch table:

Her: “I’m ugly!”

Me: “WHAT? NO you are not. You are beautiful.”

Her: “No, I’m ugly!”

Me: “Who said that?! Tell me and I’ll beat them up!”

Her: “I said it!”

Me: “You are NOT ugly!”

Her: “I’m Ugly! And I’m PROUD!”

Leaving McDonalds drive-thru:

Her: “Can you give me my food? I’m hungry.”

Me: “No honey, we are going to wait until we get home to eat.” (It's not even 2 miles)

Her: “I’m hungry now, so hand me my food.”

Me: “Nope. You can have your food when we get home.”

Her: “No, I can have my food now.”

Me: “No you can’t”

Her: “Yes I can.”

Me: “I’m not giving you your food right now.”

Her: “Just hand it back to me!”

Me: “No!”

Her: “YES!”

Further on down the road:

Her: “Let’s get ice cream.”

Me: “No. You haven’t had lunch yet."

Her: “We can still stop for some.”

Me: “No we can’t.”

Her: "Yes we can!”

Me: “Do you HAVE to disagree with everything I say?”

Her: “YES!!!”

Me: “You’re just like you mother.”

Demotivational Posters: The Relationship Edition

2011-08-12T01:57:00.000-04:00

DEMOTIVATIONAL POSTERS: The Friendship Edition

2011-08-11T00:03:00.000-04:00

DEMOTIVATIONAL POSTERS: Parental Chat Edition

2011-08-09T17:28:00.000-04:00

I still wonder what the hell the were talking about originally!

Wacky News Wednesday

2011-08-03T10:51:00.000-04:00

Just one Wacky News story for you today, but it’s a doozy.

Enjoy.

Idaho police tell man to stop wearing bunny suit

SALMON, Idaho (Reuters) - Police in Idaho Falls said on Tuesday they have told a 34-year-old man to stop wearing a bunny suit in public after residents complained that he has been frightening children.

Police warned Idaho Falls resident William Falkingham after a woman said she saw him dressed in the costume, peeking at her young son from behind a tree and pointing his finger like a gun, according to a police report.

An investigation of the sighting led officers to question other neighbors, "who expressed that they were greatly disturbed by Falkingham and his bunny suit," the report said.

Neighbors also reported that Falkingham occasionally wears a tutu with the bunny suit, police said in a statement.

Falkingham told police that while he "enjoys wearing the suit," he understood the concerns, and that he could be cited as a public nuisance for that type of behavior, Idaho Falls Police Department spokeswoman Joelyn Hansen said

Falkingham could not be reached for comment.

Neighbor Deborah Colson defended Falkingham in a telephone interview with Reuters, saying he has an eccentric but otherwise harmless habit of dressing up in costume and making appearances on his own property.

"He's got the bunny outfit, a cowboy suit and a ballerina dress but you don't see him except where he's tripping through his backyard," she said.

Colson said she worried that news of Falkingham's at-home habits might make him a target of fear and scorn.

"He's never done anything wrong but wear his little suits in the background," she said. "He's got a strange lifestyle at home but we all do weird things at home. It makes me so sad: people don't even do anything and they get laughed at."

Is that CLASSIC or what?

DEMOTIVATIONAL POSTERS: Suddenly and Then Some.

2011-07-29T10:40:00.000-04:00

Crazy Things My Kids Say: The 3 yr old.

2011-07-27T10:30:00.000-04:00

No weird news today.

Sorry.

I’ve been looking, but nothing caught my eye.

I guess some days/weeks are weirder than others.

Instead, I give you …“Crazy Things My Kids Say”… (Copyright pending).

For this installment, I give you my cherub-face 3 year-old baby girl.

-While “helping” me wash my truck…

Her: “What’s this black thing on here for?”

Me: “That’s called a bra. It protects the paint from bugs.”

Her: “You need to take it off and get a RED one.”

Me: “Why?”

Her: “Because that’s MY favorite color!”

Me: “OH, that’s right. I forgot.”

Her: “You would!”

-While she was talking to my wife in the kitchen… (I posted this on Facebook & Twitter when it happened)

Her: “You know that thing?”

Wife: “What thing?’

Her: “You KNOW! That THING?!”

Me: “What THING?”

Her: “I’m talking to MOMMY! But you can feel free to talk to yourself.”

**10 mins later, after I butted into her conversation again**

Her: “I’m STILL not talking to you! I am talking to MOMMY!”

Me: “You’re right. I’m sorry I interrupted.”

-While riding on the golf cart around town, she became upset with her 7 yr old brother…

Her: “DON’T mess up my hair, you little jerk.”

-Also while “helping” me wash the car…

Her: **jabbering non-stop**

Me: “Mmmmhmmm”

Her: “HEY! Are you even listening to me?!”

Me: “You sound just like your mother.”