Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Wacky Weird News Wednesday: More People & Churches Behaving Badly.

Another human foot washes ashore in B.C.
VANCOUVER, British Columbia (AP) — Police in Vancouver, British Columbia, say a human foot inside a running shoe has washed ashore, the latest in roughly a dozen such cases since 2007.

Someones been watching Dexter.

Juror gets caught adding female defendant to Facebook friend's list

(AP)When Jonathan Hudson of Arlington, Texas sent a Facebook friend request to Courtney Downing, he probably didn’t realize that it would eventually result in four charges of contempt of court.

DUDE! Is court REALLY the best place to "Friend" someone?

Angry passengers watch 7-year-old thrown overboard

SANTA ANA, Calif. (AP) — Newly released 911 tapes show passengers expressing shock and disgust after seeing a California man throw his crying 7-year-old son overboard during a sightseeing cruise around Newport Harbor.
Authorities say Briles was arguing with his girlfriend and son and threatened to throw the boy overboard if he didn't stop crying. The child was rescued by another boater.

This Jackass tried to tell the cops they were just horse-playing and the kid was in on it. How many 7 yr olds you know would say, "Hey dad. Throw me off this cruise ship into the ocean, even though I can barely swim."?

Ark. man in plane spots his home being burglarized

BAY, Ark. (AP) — An Arkansas man who wanted to capture aerial photos of his home during his first plane ride instead helped catch two men burglarizing it.
Steven Lynn said he could see the two taking items from his house.
"I looked down, and sure enough, there was a truck hooked onto a trailer, and guys were loading stuff up," Lynn told The Jonesboro Sun.
Lynn called an uncle who lives nearby and 911.


US: Man hides 7 snakes, 3 tortoises in pants

MIAMI (AP) — U.S. officials say a man tried to board a flight from Miami to Brazil with bags of exotic snakes and tortoises stuffed in his pants.

That's taking the definition of "Trouser Snake" too literally.

Hoax sign warns Arizona drivers of panda rampage

PHOENIX (Reuters) - A wave of "panda-monium" has swept through a northern Arizona city thanks to a mischievous street sign hacker who warned motorists of a "ROGUE PANDA ON RAMPAGE."
State transportation officials said Tuesday that a person was able to post the hoax warning by hacking into an electronic message board in Flagstaff, Arizona, over the weekend.
Rest easy, though. Authorities said the city is safe from pandas, if not from jokesters.
Kirby joked that there had been no sightings of any rogue pandas in the community, but she has been sent several photoshopped images via email of the cuddly creatures tooled up for trouble.
In one picture, a panda is holding a machete. In another, it is toting a rifle.
"We're all getting a laugh out of this to be sure," she said.

"Awesome! I love life-hacks. And the fact that ordinary citizens joined in on the fun is even better."

German city introduces "tax meters" for prostitutes

BERLIN (Reuters) - Prostitutes in the German city of Bonn must carry a ticket purchased from a new parking metre-like machine while working the streets or face hefty fines from tax authorities in a scheme launched Monday night.
In Germany, ladies of the night pay income tax -- the level of which varies from region to region -- but compliance is difficult to enforce with women seeking business on the street.
Germany's first "sex tax meters," from which prostitutes can purchase a ticket for 6 euros (5.31 pounds) per night, will ensure the tax system is fairly implemented, a city spokeswoman said.
"Inspectors will monitor compliance -- not every evening but frequently," the spokeswoman told Reuters.

Would you call that a "Porking Meter"? Hahahahahaha
::drum rimshot::

Atheists say they get kudos for church billboard

MANSFIELD, Ohio (AP) — An Ohio atheist group says it has been commended by some people for a billboard put up by a church's pastor.
The road sign in Mansfield features the statement "There is no God" in capital letters. Below that, it says, "Don't believe everything you hear."
Pastor Frank Moore of McElroy Road Church of Christ tells the Mansfield News Journal he wanted to honor God with an ad that would get people thinking. He says he remembered how his parents always advised him not to believe everything people told him.
The Mansfield-based Mid Ohio Atheists says it has been contacted and congratulated by people incorrectly thinking it put up the billboard. The group says it wants to thank the church for, as the atheists say, "advertising our thoughts."

Just because YOU know what YOU meant, doesn't mean anyone else will.

Church closes food bank because it attracts poor people
WINNIPEG(AP) – A busy church food bank, known for offering warm drinks and snacks to its regulars, has announced its closing because it is attracting too many poor people.
“It’s attracting a lot of street people and that made it uncomfortable,” said Candice Prossen, Unity Truth Centre spokeswoman. “It’s creating social unrest in the church.”
“A food bank is a social service and that is not who we are.”
Mrs. Prossen said the program is being cancelled to focus on more church-specific activities. The church’s board of trustees made the decision to cancel the bimonthly food bank after receiving an e-mail from a sister church in Victoria.
“Most clients of food banks have not yet come to a sense of personal responsibility in life. They are still in denial, blame, or seeing the world as owing them,” wrote Rev. David Durksen or Unity Church of Victoria.
Mrs. Prossen praised the work done by food banks, and said the church will still collect food for baskets but focus more on peoples spiritual hunger.

How Christianly of you! I'm sure Christ is very pleased.

Geez, talk about not seeing the forrest for the trees. There is soooo much wrong with this I can't even begin.

Monday, August 22, 2011

I Went To A Book Store And All I Got Was This Lousy Papercut....Or....Books Be Deadly!

I recently went to a place called The Reading Room in Wabash, Indiana.
It’s a USED book store.
I didn’t know they still made those things.
My wife and kids (who LOVE books) drug me along with them and the MIL.
I wasn’t sure what to make of the place at first.
I’m used to well-lit and organized places that sale NEW books, like Barnes & Noble, Borders, or Books-a-Million.
Places where I can grab a cup of the fancy coffee they serve and plop down in a comfy couch while perusing a book I never intend to buy.
Like libraries with coffee. And without shushing librarians.
I had never been to a used book store.
Not sure if I’ve ever even purchased a used book. Unless you count paying for a library book that you never returned.
But used books always struck me as…..germy.
Kind of like buying a used lollipop.
You don’t know where that thing has been!
But this place was different.
It occupies an old store front near the downtown section, and doesn’t seem to have had many updates to the interior of the building since it was built in the 1830’s.
It was dark and dusty/musty/moldy smelling.
And FULL of books.
The place was cluttered with them. Books EVERYWHERE.
The books shelves were PACKED. Books were stacked on the floor in front of shelves, and on top of the shelves and in the shelves and on and on.
There were books on books on books stacked on books riding on books.
It was like Dr. Seuss’s Book Shop.
I began to worry what might happen if a passerby accidently flipped a cigarette butt into the open doorway.
The place would be a raging inferno before you could make your way out.
The guy who runs it was quite the character.
We’ll call him Mr. Sneelock.
He struck my wife and MIL as a retired psychologist or something, as he seemed to read people as if THEY were an open book themselves.
That and he kept asking them to lie down on his couch.
Not really.
I wandered around and tried to make sense of the shelves and haphazard organization, to no avail.
I finally took a shot and asked Mr. Sneelock if he knew whether he had any books on Einstein, Edison, or Tesla.
Mr. Sneelock immediately took me to the appropriate shelf AND even fetched me the 4 books he currently had on them.
Seems Mr. Sneelock’s brain was hiding the dewy decimal system for this Seussian Shop.
Although Ole' Sneelock wasn’t a big smiler, he was very nice.
In fact, he gave the wife and kids almost as many books free as we ended up purchasing.
With the internet nowadays, I had pretty much given up actual space-taking-up books.
But, after my trip to The Reading Room, I may have to reconsider.
What about you? Do you still read actual books? Have you heard of this thing called a “Used” book store?

*Mr. Sneelock/Reading Room did not pay me to write this, nor give me the free books so I would. In fact, he doesn’t even know about it. And I pray, if he should ever find out about it, that he won’t sue me.*
**Mr. Sneelock was not his real name, but was the name of a Dr. Seuss character in “If I Ran The Circus”….I think….Or maybe not………Regardless, it doesn’t matter.**

Friday, August 19, 2011

Anderson Cooper's Gay Laugh Pisses Me Off, But Not As Much As These Things...or...A Lesson In Urinatomy"

There’s been a lot of “Pissing” news lately.
Like the Fat French Actor and the American skier who publicly relieved themselves on planes.
 AND there was Anderson Cooper getting all giggly-schoolgirl while discussing them on live TV.
Well….since we are on the subject (which I brought up), I wanted to address something that most of us know but rarely talk about.
Urine habits.
No, I’m not suggesting you wear a Nun’s outfit.
I’m talking tinkle trials and tribulations.
Most of us know that as men and women get older, their abilities in this department change for various nature related reasons.
Women tend to lose control in that department.
Whether it’s triggered by a sneeze, cough, or laugh (It just Depends. Hahaha), a woman’s bladder becomes her panties worst enemy.
Most women have developed a technique to try and prevent this spontaneous leakage called the Double Hand Grab & Cover.
Feeling a sneeze coming on, she will instinctively use one hand to cover her nose, and the other hand to grab her crotch.
This technique is rarely, if ever, successful.
As men get older, they have the opposite problem.
With age, the prostate gland often becomes swollen and enlarged for various reasons, making urination a long (TWSS) and difficult process.
First, a quick anatomy lesson.
 The urine (pee, piss, ink for snow writing, etc) exits the male bladder (urine bag, last night’s beer keg) through the urethra (pee tube).
As it does, it passes the prostate gland on its way to the penis (Mr. Johnson, One-eyed Willy, Vlad the Impaler, etc).
The male body uses the same tube for both emptying the bladder and ejaculating (spreading the love juice).
After sperm (little swimmers) are produced in the testis (nuts, balls, family jewels, aka ‘The Boys’), they are sent up the Vas Deferens (of Vasectomy fame)to the Urethra, where they are added to seminal  fluid (water for the swimming pool) creating semen (love juice, baby-making cocktail, the pearls for the necklace).
SO, when the prostate becomes swollen later in life, it presses against the Urethra, effectively creating a traffic jam.
I am pretty sure this has something to do with another known fact to guys, but something the ladies might not be familiar with.
That being the difficulties in urinating after ejaculating.
Trying to pee immediately following sex is HARD, yo. (No pun intended)
It takes a while to get it started. And when it does, it burns/hurts/sprays EVERYWHERE.
Am I right fellas?
Sometimes the opening might be partially stuck shut from the recent activity, and no matter how well you aim, that shit is hitting the wall or the floor or the back of the toilet REGARDLESS.
You have to do some majorly quick aim adjustment.
Kind of like when you are playing that fair game where you shoot water into the clowns mouth and have to rapidly adjust your aim after the carnie turns on the water.
Cause once you start, there ain’t no stopping.
You can’t shut that sucker down. It hurts too bad.
The worst is when the center of the opening is stuck shut and you get the double stream going in two different directions.
No amount of “putting up the seat first” can save you then.
And FORGET peeing with an erection.
It AIN’T happening.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Funny Pics: Just 2

Dude! Is that a poster of a keyboard back there?

At least he brushed all the stuffed animals and cuddle buddies off his bed first.


She's got MY vote!

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Wacky Weird News Wednesday: When Crime Pisses You Off, Piss Back.

My comments in Blue, as always.

World's largest stove destroyed — by fire
Detroit (AP) - A fire has destroyed the world's largest stove, a Michigan landmark standing at the Michigan state fairgrounds.
Built by the Michigan Stove Company, it was first displayed at the World's Fair in Chicago in 1893.
The oak stove weighed 15 tons and stood 25 feet high. It was a total loss.

Irony of the Week?

Cop arrested for DUI — while driving to funeral
Denver (AP) - Authorities say two Colorado police officers took a wild, drunken ride through Wyoming on their way to a funeral in South Dakota.
A volunteer firefighter on Wednesday spotted a police car from Aurora, Colo., driving erratically down Highway 85 in Goshen County. The car reportedly was speeding, using emergency lights to pass other vehicles and trash was flying out of its window.
Goshen County Sheriff's Capt. Brian Morehouse said the two men were heading to the funeral of two police officers recently killed in South Dakota.
Morehouse said he had clocked them driving at 57 mph in a 40 mph zone and then smelled alcohol and found beer in a cooler inside the car when he stopped them.

Way to set an example fellas!

They say, in times of tragedy...*hiccup* times of tragedy, you see a person's...*hiccup*...a person's true col...*hiccup*....what was I saying?

Iowa man tries to lure teen and gets mom's fist instead
Des Moines, IOWA (CBS/AP) - Polk County police sources say that Robert C. Harding tried to lure a 13-year-old girl into an alley near where she was playing with friends outside her home. Instead the smart-thinking teenager went to get her mom who confronted Harding.
Police say that when the girl's mother, Holly Pullen, confronted Harding he asked how old the girl was and whether he could marry her or would she be interested in signing the girl away.
"I got down to the alley and I confronted him. I said, 'Why are you staring at the kids?' and he looks at me and says, 'I want to marry the red head.' I came unglued at that point. I was like 'Dude, she's only 13 and that's my daughter,'" Pullen told the station.
Police said Pullen punched Harding in the face (KICK ASS, MOM!). Then the girl's father and one of his friends chased Harding and fought with him.
By the time police arrived at Fremont Street, the fight was over. Police questioned Harding who allegedly told them that he was trying to get the girl into the alley so he could "marry her and sex her." (WTF? Who talks like that nowadays?) 

Everybody knows, "You don't go messin' with a momma bear's cubs".

Robbers Beat Man & Steal His Bible

New York (AP) - Authorities are looking for three muggers who punched and kicked a Bronx man before stealing his Bible.

Wait till they read the part about stealing.

Also, the Gideons are clearly missing a few people.

Motorised beer cooler lands driver in court

Sydney (Reuters) - An Australian man had his driving licence suspended for 10 months and was fined after he was caught driving a scooter made of a motorised beer cooler capable of carrying several dozen drinks -- after knocking back a few.

The unconventional scooter featured a cooler box mounted on a wheeled frame and powered by a 50 cc engine, complete with a steering handlebar. The cooler doubled as a driver's seat and was able to hold up to 48 bottles of beer.
Chris Petrie, 23 and from the northeastern state of Queensland, bought the vehicle over the internet for $A600 (383 pounds) (That's a lot in non-American money.). While assembling it at a friend's house the two sampled a few beers before Petrie decided to drive it home, according to a local television station.
He was caught by the police en route and found to be more than three times over Australia's legal blood alcohol limit, and was charged with drink driving ("Drink" driving? Is that the same as drunk driving?) and driving without a licence (Hey, Buddy! You got a license to drive that cooler?!").
In court, the judge asked if the cooler was fully loaded ("No, Your Honor, but the driver was. Hahaha") and was told it was full of canned rum and Cokes, Network Ten added. The sentence included an A$500 fine.

Scooter - Australian for beer...cooler.

Ore. mother gets probation in home circumcision
Portland (AP) - An Oregon woman who tried to circumcise her 3-month-old son at home after reading the Old Testament and watching YouTube videos has been sentenced to five years of probation. (YouTube? Seriously? Since when does that qualify as Med School, much less a reliable source?) 
Keemonta Peterson pleaded guilty to first-degree criminal mistreatment. The 30-year-old Portland woman must also undergo mental health treatment. (I should HOPE so!)
Peterson called 911 and the boy was rushed to a hospital last October after her botched effort left the infant bleeding uncontrollably and in intense pain. (THERE'S a fun childhood story to tell. That mom can forget ever having a good relationship with her future daughter-in-law.) A prosecutor says he has fully recovered.
The Oregonian reports the boy and his three siblings are in the state's care, although Peterson can see them under supervision.
Multnomah County Circuit Judge Eric Bergstrom told Peterson on Monday that "the reality is you love your children and had absolutely no intent to harm your child." (You just accidently almost made him a her. WTF!)

Parenting FAIL?

The only acceptable answer here is HELL YES.

Man who peed on girl on JetBlue flight tossed off US ski team
Vietze admitted to cops that he had consumed eight alcoholic drinks before boarding JetBlue Flight 166.
Vietze was later issued a citation and has been charged with indecent exposure, a misdemeanor, by the Brooklyn US Attorney's Office. He faces up to one year behind bars.
Soon after takeoff, Vietze stumbled from his seat five rows behind the child and emptied his bladder onto the girl, who was briefly left alone while her dad and sister were in restrooms.
"I was drunk, and I did not realize I was pissing on her leg," the 6-foot-4, 195-pound Vietze later told cops, according to law-enforcement sources.
The girl's father, a Stage 4 cancer patient, caught Vietze midstream and tried to wipe him out.
"F--k that kid. I don't want him near my family!" he yelled.
Vietze slurred that he had suffered "an accident," according to another passenger.
Flight attendants ultimately intervened and had to separate the men.

Clearly a fan of R.Kelly.

Desperate French actor Depardieu urinates on plane
Paris (NEWSCORE) - France's biggest film star Gerard Depardieu was thrown off a plane after urinating in front of fellow passengers when cabin crew refused to let him use the bathroom.
The 62-year-old actor was caught short on a delayed flight from Paris to Dublin on Tuesday evening as the jet taxied, but his demands to be allowed out of his seat fell on deaf ears, according to another traveler speaking to French radio station Europe 1 on Wednesday morning.
"Je veux pisser, je veux pisser," implored Depardieu, according to Daniele, who was among the 127 passengers on board the Air France jet left reeling by the antics of the giant of the French screen.
"The attendant said 'I'm sorry, you'll have to wait fifteen minutes, [when] we'll be in flight. The toilets are locked'," Daniele added. Depardieu said he could not wait, unzipped his pants and proceeded to urinate on the carpet.
"You could tell he'd been drinking," the disgusted passenger claimed.
The jet was forced to return to the gate and was delayed for over an hour as ground crew cleaned up the mess. Depardieu was escorted off the plane along with his two traveling companions and their luggage.

WTF! TWO pissing on a plane stories!

Is this some kind of trend? Or a new club? The Mile High Urinal Club?

Woman, 24, beat girl, 12, for eyeing boyfriend, say Conn. cops

New Brandford, Conn. (CBS/AP) - A 24-year-old Connecticut woman is charged with assaulting a 12-year-old girl.
Police say the 24-year-old woman believed the 12-year-old girl was eyeing her 30-year-old boyfriend. (Jealous much?)
The Hartford Courant reports that Candice Kiley, of New Haven, was charged Tuesday in connection with the July 23 attack. According to police, Kiley was attending a family birthday party when she grabbed the 12-year-old by the hair and threw her to the floor. Police said the girl then suffered an asthma attack.
Police said Kiley's boyfriend was in the kitchen cleaning up a spill when the "woman v. girl" confrontation took place.
Kiley was charged with third-degree assault, disorderly conduct and risk of injury to a minor.

Come on! Pick on someone half your age!

Oh wait.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Preschool Diaries: Conversations With My Daughter.

To a preschooler, the color of your shirt identifies you.

“I don’t like the brown boy, but the black boy is nice.”

“The red girl is very mean, but the yellow girl is my friend.”
THAT, Folks, is how racism starts.

Things my 3 yr old daughter has said recently
While pushing her on the swingset:
Her: “I’m going to tell you 4 questions.”
Me: “I think you mean ‘ask’ me 4 questions.”
Her: “No! I mean TELL you 4 questions!”
Me: “I don’t think you get how questions work.”
(For the record, she followed this by telling me some long drawn out story about something to do with her green flipflops.)

Over the lunch table: 
Her: “I’m ugly!”
Me: “WHAT? NO you are not. You are beautiful.”
Her: “No, I’m ugly!”
Me: “Who said that?! Tell me and I’ll beat them up!”
Her:  “I said it!”
Me: “You are NOT ugly!”
Her: “I’m Ugly! And I’m PROUD!”

Leaving McDonalds drive-thru:
Her: “Can you give me my food?  I’m hungry.”
Me: “No honey, we are going to wait until we get home to eat.” (It's not even 2 miles)
Her: “I’m hungry now, so hand me my food.”
Me: “Nope. You can have your food when we get home.”
Her: “No, I can have my food now.”
Me: “No you can’t”
Her: “Yes I can.”
Me: “I’m not giving you your food right now.”
Her: “Just hand it back to me!”
Me:  “No!”
Her: “YES!”
Further on down the road:
Her: “Let’s get ice cream.”
Me: “No. You haven’t had lunch yet."
Her: “We can still stop for some.”
Me: “No we can’t.”
Her: "Yes we can!”
Me: “Do you HAVE to disagree with everything I say?”
Her: “YES!!!”
Me: “You’re just like you mother.”

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Tuesday, August 9, 2011


I still wonder what the hell the were talking about originally!

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Wacky News Wednesday

Just one Wacky News story for you today, but it’s a doozy.
Idaho police tell man to stop wearing bunny suit
SALMON, Idaho (Reuters) - Police in Idaho Falls said on Tuesday they have told a 34-year-old man to stop wearing a bunny suit in public after residents complained that he has been frightening children.
Police warned Idaho Falls resident William Falkingham after a woman said she saw him dressed in the costume, peeking at her young son from behind a tree and pointing his finger like a gun, according to a police report.

An investigation of the sighting led officers to question other neighbors, "who expressed that they were greatly disturbed by Falkingham and his bunny suit," the report said.

Neighbors also reported that Falkingham occasionally wears a tutu with the bunny suit, police said in a statement.

Falkingham told police that while he "enjoys wearing the suit," he understood the concerns, and that he could be cited as a public nuisance for that type of behavior, Idaho Falls Police Department spokeswoman Joelyn Hansen said
Falkingham could not be reached for comment.

Neighbor Deborah Colson defended Falkingham in a telephone interview with Reuters, saying he has an eccentric but otherwise harmless habit of dressing up in costume and making appearances on his own property.
"He's got the bunny outfit, a cowboy suit and a ballerina dress but you don't see him except where he's tripping through his backyard," she said.

Colson said she worried that news of Falkingham's at-home habits might make him a target of fear and scorn.

"He's never done anything wrong but wear his little suits in the background," she said. "He's got a strange lifestyle at home but we all do weird things at home. It makes me so sad: people don't even do anything and they get laughed at."

Is that CLASSIC or what?


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