Thursday, February 25, 2010

Wii Fit is a Smartass......Just like my kid

The Wii Fit is a smartass.

I got on that thing the other night and here’s what happened:

WiiFit: “WHOA!”
Me: “Excuse me?”
WiiFit: “I said Whoa.”
Me: “That’s not very nice. And..did you…just….ANSWER me?”
WiiFit: “Looks like it’s been 361 days since your last visit.”
Me: “That’s probably about right. My wife has been using you, but I haven’t since about the first week we got you.”
WiiFit: “Don’t worry, I never forget a name. Are you ready….Liz? Hahaha, just kidding.”
Me: “……..”
WiiFit: “Stand still and try to relax your shoulders”
ME: “What? Wait…are we doing a prostate exam or are we going to exercise?”
WiiFit: “Looks like your weight is 206.5 lbs.”
Me: “Holy Sh….”
WiiFit: “This is an increase of 10 lbs since your last visit.”
Me: “No Sh….”
WiiFit: “Way back then, you set a goal to LOSE 15 lbs.”
Me: “I had completely forgotten abo…”
WiiFit: “You have clearly failed to reach your goal.”
Me: “……..”
WiiFit: “This time, try setting more achievable goals.”
Me: “Thanks for the tip, assh…..”
WiiFit: “Like gaining 15 lbs. Hahahahaha”
Me: “Listen smartass, I still have your receipt. Don’t make me tak…..”
WiiFit: “Now, we’ll look at your BMI.”
Me: “Didn’t Nintendo teach you it’s not polite to interrupt peo……”
WiiFit: “Last time your BMI was 32.18, which was obese.”
Me: “………”
WiiFit: “This time it’s…….it’s…’s….I’m sorry, my BMI chart doesn’t go that high.”
Me: “What the F…..”
WiiFit: “Basically, it’s the same as Crisco.”
Me: “…….”
WiiFit: “Select a new goal now, Tubby.”
Me: “What did you just call me? That’s IT! I’ll show you!”

*frantically pushing buttons until goal maker maxes out*

WiiFit: “Great. You have selected your goal as losing 22 lbs in 30 days. Fat chance.”
Me: “………”
WiiFit: “Even if miracles happened and you reached that impossible goal, your BMI would still be Obese.”
Me: *GASP*
WiiFit: “The good news is, at least then you would register on my BMI chart.”
Me: “…….”
WiiFit: “Maybe you should consult your doctor before beginning an exercise program.”
Me: “What the F…..”
WiiFit: “AND your mental health provider before setting goals for yourself.”
Me: “I hate you.”

I blame Nintendo.
Everybody knows the Japanese hate fat people.
Unless they are wearing diapers and pushing each other around a circle.

So it is day four of the new me, and my pants already fit better.
I love being a dude.
Not only because of the standing to pee thing, but belly fat is so much easier to lose than hippage.

I cut the boys hair last night.
As I’m running the clipper/trimmer thingy over his head, my five year old said this:

Sam: “Don’t cut off my eyebrows.”
Me: “What? Why would I do that?”
Sam: “Because they look like hair. But they are NOT!”
*10 year old starts laughing hysterically in the background*
Me: “They aren’t hair?”
Sam: “Nope”

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

How did I get so FAT?.....Thankfully, I'm still sexy!

It’s Tuesday already. Holy Shmoly.

You might be asking yourself about me, “Where has he been? And how is he reading my mind? And how is he still doing it? And will he know if I think of something bizarre and off the wall like…..Pink Pickled Pigs Pheet? Or….Unicorn Horn-on-the-Cob? DANG IT! He’s good at this mind reading stuff, but that still doesn’t explain his absence.”

Well, let me answer all your questions with subliminal telepathic morse code.

“Ahem -..--.-.--…-.-.----..-.-…-…--.--.---.----.-.--.--.----.-…--lazy--..-.--…-.-…---.---.-…----..-.-.-.---.TV Olympic Coverage--.---.-.---.-..-…..--.-.-.—diet & exercise--…..-..-.--.----.-.--.-.-.-.--..--…..--.--.-.--.----.-…busy @ work.-.-.------…-.-.---.-….-.---.-.—planning vacation--.-.-.-….---.-.--.---.-.-.-.---.---.---…---….-.-.---.-.-F*#@ the Mayans”

(pretend I said all of that with my mind)

So, I’ve been getting FAT.

I hate that.

Sweet rhyming skills aside, I have been letting myself go.

I don’t know how fat, because I don’t own a scale, but my pants have stopped fitting.


It’s sad.

I still remember my glory days.

5’8”……172 lbs……3% bodyfat……17”biceps…..28” waist……YES, I was 18, but so what.

Now………..5’4 ½”…….200+ lbs…..1,000,000% bodyfat……36+” waist

I’m almost taller lying down.

I can’t take it.
I used to workout a lot.
I played sports in school.
I was in the military.
I have belonged to a gym off and on my entire adult life.

I used to work in a doctors office in Michigan City and I got to be pretty good friends with one of the physicians there. (Dr. A!) We used to workout after work at the local YMCA.

Then I moved.
I quit working out.
I started working at the VA, where I would sit on my butt all day, eating carry-in food and snacking.
I got fat.
Eventually, I joined the local YMCA in Marion.
I started working out at lunchtime. I got lean again.
Then someone complained about my “long lunches” (which was BS).
So I quit going to the YMCA, and started blogging during my lunch hour instead.
I got fat again.

Basically, I’m the poor white Oprah.

Regardless, I have resolved to get my waistline back to at least one zip code.

No more junk food.
No more sitting all day.
No more blogging during lunch (in fact, no blogging from work at ALL---expect more infrequent and erratic blog posts from now on---mostly in the late evenings), but instead I’ll be walking the hallways.
Nightly workouts at home are the new norm.

So last night was my first time working out in 6 or 7 months. Basically, since I started this blog.

I was going to try that P90X series, which I got from a friend.

I quickly realized that I valued my life too much to jump right into that. I need to get into shape BEFORE I get into shape.

Instead, I rode my Schwinn Recumbent Exercise bike for 20 mins, then did a couple sets of push-ups and pull-ups.

Two things I noticed:

1. My plan to start slow was foiled by my over-eager definition of the word “slow”.
2. My belly has decided to conspire against my workout efforts by preventing my decent while in the push-up position. (Imagine a teter-toter….as my chest goes toward the floor, my feet are driven towards the ceiling.)

However, after I finished and showered and got past the feelings of imminent death, I actually felt AWESOME.

I was slightly disappointed that my six-pack abs hadn’t instantly returned. But I quickly forgot about that, thanks to half a gallon of Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey.


UPDATE: I almost forgot. Cheesecake made me a "button". Thanks Cheese. It's over there on the side bar if you want it.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Canada & The Winter Olympics = A Monkey Having Sex With A Football

Canada & The Winter Olympics Is Like A Monkey Having Sex With A Football.

Let me start by saying…I LOVE THE OLYMPICS!


Yes, the Olympic Spirit.

The whole world coming together.

The competition.

The pride in one’s country (USA, USA, USA!)

Even the sappy made for TV backstories.

And since I never get to travel, I also enjoy seeing documentorial footage on the host countries (Canada Has Polar Bears? Who Knew?).

But Seriously, COME ON CANADA!

I mean, I expect you to screw up BACON.

But if anybody was going to eff up the WINTER Olympics, I would have never thought it would have been YOU.

Summer Olympics? YES.

Winter Olympics? Get the eff outta here!

And yet…

First, your cauldron thingy doesn’t work when it’s being lit, so it ends up looking like a three-legged dog.

Then, you kill a luger with your “super fast” track. Nice Canada. Real Classy.

Not to mention all the delays and crap.

Most importantly, WHERE IS ALL YOUR SNOW?!?!?!

The one thing you can be counted on to provide, (besides native Hockey players & funny dressed cops on horses) and you eff that up!


You guys can’t even make that shit right.

You got guys out there filling in the holes on the courses with straw.



Because straw equals snow in retarded Canada.

Then, the snow that you trucked in starts melting. There's just torrents of water running down the hillside.

Now the Snowboardcross racing looks like a surfing contest at Waikiki, minus the hot chicks.

You know who you should ask for help?


They got tons of the white stuff, and I’m not talking Columbian.

The snow thing would be bad enough in and of itself.


The freaking speedskating was delayed because the rink ice had turned into a melty slushy mess.


Hell, even Florida can keep ice frozen indoors.

And they have trouble punching holes in paper down there.

You know who’s fault all this is, don’t you?

You know who Canada should be pissed at?!

Al Gore!

Him and his global warming.

Thanks for screwing up our Olympics, CANADA and Al Gore!

P.S. Is it just me, or is finding a straight mens figure skater like finding the lost city of Atlantis?

P.S.S. When I said Canada was retarded, I meant no offense, and was just speaking literally.

P.S.S.S. Al Gore sounds like Ass Whore, if you squint while saying it.

P.S.IV. <--roman numerials

P.S.V. Curling is like bowling for lazy people who don't have balls. Hahahahahaha

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Walmart update.


Even though my wife swears that our Walmart has always had that sign up, I was sent the following by a co-worker, which was posted in the local paper:

"A Marion man filed a lawsuit against Wal-Mart after his nose was cut off by a piece of machinery at the city's store. Stanley "Scott" Enochs tried to go through the shopping carts-only area parallel with the food center entrance and he hit a device that took his nose off, said Samuel Jacobs, Enochs' Indianapolis attorney. The Grant Superior Court 2 filing asks for damages to be paid."

Supposedly, this happened at our local store after the remodel, and before the sign was placed above the cart door.

This genius decided to duck under the cart door, and ripped off part of his face in the process.

Since the sign wasn't up yet, he got a big fat settlement from Wally World.

That sounds like the people who sue McDonald's for the coffee being hot or the food making them fat.

"THE UNITED STATES LEGAL SYSTEM---Making Stupid People Millionaires Since 1776"

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Walmart Hates Terrorists, Gangsters, and Little People.

I went to Walmart yesterday after work.

Wife sent me a text, “Get Coke, Diet Coke, Diapers, Your Wife’s Sanity, TP”.

You can tell by that text that we’ve had 2 school snow days this week.

I’m really surprised no one was murdered at my house.

(kidding CPS people)

As I was walking into Walmart, I saw something I hadn’t noticed before.

They added a little sign above the cart door.

Instantly, I thought, “I am taking a picture of that on my way out.”

I figured I could do something with it.

Guess what.

I forgot to take a pic on my way out.

But not completely, because I did remember once I was back in my truck.

So I pulled right up in front of the door, rolled down my passenger side tented window, and held up my new black camera phone.

It was at about that point when I realized, “This doesn’t look so good.”

And judging by the looks on pedestrians and shoppers faces, they felt the same way.

Some were ducking.

A few ran away.

A couple just stared at me in complete shock.

I think they thought I was some Al-Quedaist who was plotting out a new airplane landing spot.

Or maybe I was like the only white Blood/Crip, and fixing to do a drive by.

Regardless…I figured I would skip the photo before the cops were called and just draw it with Paint.

So back to the sign…


I never noticed that sign before.

Who is that there for?

Are dwarves using the cart access door as their own personal party entrance?

I mean, this store is open 24 hours, so it’s not like they are trying to keep people from sneaking in that way.

And I am pretty sure the sign is fairly new, which can only mean that it was put up because someone wouldn’t follow the normal entry/exit procedures.

It was probably that damn Travelocity Gnome. He’s always causing trouble.

Given that the door is barely high enough for the shopping carts to fit under, I’m not sure who else it could be meant for.

Mooooog maybe?


Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Wacky News Wednesday


<-----My Cupid


What you’re missing by reading my site in Google Reader?

Wacky News Wednesday

I just realized that I haven’t done a Wacky News Wednesday in awhile.

Evidently, no one else realized either….Jerks!

Regardless, Wacky News Wednesday is where I point out some of the outrageously crazy stories that I found on Yahoo Odd News.

From Today’s

Looks like Dutch men are getting their ladies something extra special for Valentine’s Day this year.

Turns out, the shipment of Roses from Latin America also contained Cocaine.

Ah yes, nothing says “I Love You!” like a little of the Devil’s Dandruff.

That blows(hahahaha) those Sweettart Hearts out the park.


Some dude was arrested in Detroit for riding around in the same car he had just reported stolen!
Does that seem stupid?......Just wait.

While being arrested, he told the COPS(!) that he was robbed while trying to buy DRUGS!…….(wait for it)….WITH A CREDIT CARD!!!

There is soooo much wrong with this story, it’s hard to know where to start.

I mean, I’m not big on the drug scene nowadays, but when did dealers start accepting VISA?

“Hold on a second while I swipe your card.” And, “Please sign the top copy. The second one is yours to keep.”

Since you’d get a receipt, does that mean you can write it off on your taxes?

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Love Is In The Air.....Or Maybe It's Cows Again.

Hey, it’s almost Valentine’s Day.

So, unless you are in a relationship, work for Hallmark, or are a Florist/Chocolateer/Jeweler, it’s probably about as happy an occasion as your Aunt Kate’s funeral.

Unless you hated Aunt Kate, in which case you were happy, and that metaphor makes no sense.

For the record, I love all people.

No, the Niceness Challenge wasn’t continued.

I still have plenty of unlove to go around.

But I just wanted to clarify that I truly hate NO ONE.

Sure, I make fun of lots of people (i.e. Mormons, Mexicans, Gays, Extremely Fat People, Retards, Atheists, Muslims, People Not As Cool As Me, People Not Named Ed, People Not Me, etc..), but that’s all just for laughs.

You might say picking on these groups is too easy.

Well, I’m lazy.

AND I like things that are easy.

That includes your Mom/Sister/Wife.


The reason I am telling you this is because someone commented that they thought I hated Jews, among others.

That is NOT the case.

I love Jews.

I even worship one. (I’m not talking about Jerry Seinfeld or Adam Sandler here.)

I have several bloggie buddy’s who are Jews. (Isn’t that what racists usually say? “I have SEVERAL black friends!” Which everybody knows means that they passed a black person on the street and said “Hi!” without running away.)

Seriously though, without Jews, there would have been no Schindler’s List for Liam Neeson to star in.

So let that be a lesson to you.

Just because they told us in school we shouldn’t make fun of people who are different than us, doesn’t mean we can’t.

They also said that the only reason people make fun of something/someone is because they don’t understand it/them.

Well, I say, the reason we do is because we DO understand it, or it’s TRUE, or maybe that shit is just FUNNY!

Friday, February 5, 2010

Day 5....I WIN!....And why I do what I do...

Day 5…It’s In The BAG!

Seeing how I am the only one even paying attention to this Positivity Challenge anymore, I am therefore declaring myself the WINNER!


You know what that means, Wifey!!! *eyebrow wiggle*


You’re doing the dishes tonight.


I totally made your challenge my bitch.

So In Conclusion:

Dear Readers,

I will try returning to my funny roots.

However, just like that old card says, “Jesus loves you, even if everybody else thinks you’re an asshole.”

And seriously honey, it’s what’s in my heart that matters, not what’s on my blog.

Besides, everything I post on here is just meant to be funny and make people laugh.

Yes, my humor often involves making fun of other people, BUT I make fun of myself too.

I can’t help it. That’s how my humor is. That’s how my brain works.

If people are offended by what I post here, then either the joke sucked, or they didn’t get it, or they are overly sensitive.

I mean, if you can’t laugh at yourself, then you’re taking life too seriously. (I'm back to addressing all my readers, by the way.)

I know not everybody believes like I do,(i.e. Jews, Hindus, Terrorist Muslims) but a writer once commented on the New Testament, “We are shown Jesus’ kindness at the wedding in Canaan, his wrath in the temple with the money changers, his sorrow in the garden at Gethsemane, and his suffering on Calvary. One has to wonder if the reason we are never shown Jesus laughing was because the world couldn’t contain his mirth.” I believe that.


This always makes me think of Monsters, Inc.

Here they spent all that time trying to collect the screams of little kids to convert into power for their Monster world, only to FINALLY realize in the end, that laughter was more powerful.

And also…

I’m reminded of a classic line in a wonderful movie that goes as follows:

“I like to think of Jesus in a tuxedo t-shirt, because it says I'm formal, but I like to party!”

-Cal Naughton, Jr

Talladega Nights: The Ballad Of Ricky Bobby

Maybe that one doesn’t go, but I’ve been trying to work it into a post for awhile now.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Day 4...I'm STILL WINNING!!!!!

Day 4 of the Nice Online Persona Challenge

Despite the best efforts of The Princess of Sarcasm and Surferwife, and even though my wife tries to PRETEND that I’ve failed the challenge, I am still refusing to admit defeat WINNING!

Case in point:

<----------That Lovely Blog character created by my Lovely Wife to compliment this Lovely Niceiousity themed challenge.

Awwwww…..look at the cute kitty, and butterflies, and hearts, and rainbows, and flowereyes, and peace sign.

So even if her comments say FAIL, her creative juices say “You are the most handsomest, nicest, friendliest, wonderfullest, kindest to dwarvesiest, and beautifulliest on the insidest person in the world, regardless of what those bitches say.”

Or something like that.

Yes, she may have felt my pain offered to let me out of the challenge early, BUT I’m sure that this was only for a couple possible reasons:

1. She is secretly admitting her defeat.
2. She is testing me, to see how committed I am to winning.
3. She wanted to see how long it would take before I started adding “est” to the end of words.
4. She loves me, but still doesn’t want sexy time.

Whatever the reasons, I KNOW she wants me to succeed.

This is all part of her plan of positive reinforcement.

Just like when you beat a dog, but do it in a loving way, like with newspapers and stuff, instead of the usual baseball bat, so that in the long run it won’t do that squaty cowery thing every time you raise your hand, but instead will fetch your beer the FIRST time you ask it.

Just like Pavlov.

It’s science, don’t fight it.

But our case, it’s LOVE.

I’m still a dog though.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Day 3 Niceness and a plug for my guest post

Day 3 of the Nice Online Persona Challenge laid* down by my wife

I know a lot of you peeps are disappointed in my new positive disposition.

You come here looking for your daily dose of jackassery, only to have me smack you with fluffy kittens instead.

Well, fear not my pessimistic patrons.

Just like Dexter, my Dark Passenger can be put at bay for only so long.

I shall WIN this happy challenge, which will in turn guarantee me lots of sexy time with the Wife (and her ever elusive respect), and then return to my sarcastic roots.

In the meantime, we should all take this as a learning experience.

May we all become better people with brighter personalities.

Maybe even reach out to those around us.

Even give them a squeeze.

Or a playful smack.

Just don’t leave a mark or HR will get involved.

Or better yet, hug a dwarf…..Or midget……Or little person…..Or vertically challenged human, whatever.

Just DON’T pick them up, cause that pisses them off, and this is about positive experiences.

In the meantime, go over to Travis' and check out my guest post** today.

*At least something is getting laid

**I will try and guest post for anybody, if they ask nicely. THIS INCLUDES YOU HILLBILLY DUHN! Yes, you have to actually ask. These things don’t just appear out of my butt hair. And I am NOT boycotting your blog. I just can’t comment on your blog because of the stupid format of your stupid blog’s comments section.

***Wifey, please don’t count that “stupid” talk against my score.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Happy,happy,happy, happy jazz hands.

Day 2 of my wife's Positivity Challenge.

Oh what a glorious day for smiling and laughing.

I'm so happy I could poop sunshine and fart flowers. (Fart Blossom?)

The world is great.

Crime is fun.

The Evening News is child-safe.

Politicians are very trustworthy, monogamous, upstanding role models.

Now that my hair is growing out (see blog character in upper left hand corner), I could probably be on the second season of Jersey Shore.

That's a Classy show!

Yes, life is just grand.

Even the people in Haiti are happy, especially the still alive ones.

Now that everything has calmed down, they can get back to their practicing VooDoo.

Which makes them very giggly.

LOST starts back up tonight! That's AWESOME!

Well, I think this fills my quota for niceness for today.

Day 2=WIN

Monday, February 1, 2010

Memoir Monday: If only I had owned a black leather jacket

Memoir Mondays with Travis.

It’s kind of like Tuesdays with Morrie, only less die-y.

Oh, before I start. My wife has challenged me to be less negative in my “online persona” for a week.

By this, she means I should stop being hateful, negative, dick-y, and mean (i.e. funny).

I have accepted this glorious challenge for self improvement and enlightenment of my followers as she never ruled out the use of sarcasm.


The year was……….I don’t remember because I was little and now I’m old so my rememory isn’t as good anymore but it was a longtime ago.

Regardless, the following took place when I was a little guy. Maybe 5.

And just like THIS story, it happened at church.

Now, if you saw my guest post over HERE, then you will remember me telling all about my early stage fright.

Well, every year around Christmas time at the Assemblies of God Church I grew up in, they would give each of the children a verse to memorize.

Then, during the evening church service, the children would parade up onstage and recite our memory verses into the microphone, for the enjoyment of our parents and the elderly folk.

Now, I actually have a photographic memory. Or I used to.

However, I don’t remember what my verse was, which is basically what happened that night.

So, when it was my turn, I stepped up to the mike, looked out into the sea of expectant faces, and gave a double thumbs up while I said:

“Heeeeyyyy, I’m the Fonze!”


What can I say? I loved Happy Days.


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